Helping husband overly sensitive to sound?

[Hedwig]

I am diagnosed with ADD - it is very common for people with ADD to be very sensitive to noise because they cannot block out distractions.

I love loud constant noises like a hair dryer or a vacuum cleaner. It drives my husband mad but if I really want to relax, I sit in the kitchen with a coffee and the blasting kitchen hood. Heaven for me since it drowns out the other (for me) annoying noise. I do that to destress.

the noise mostly bothers me when I am already stressed. Is that the same for your husband?

Btw - it is also hereditary for me. My father was/is the same way. He has three daughters and children have seldom been an issue for him as well.

 

[Angelskates]

Hedwig, if you like to vacuum you're always welcome here I hate vacuuming, and the noise annoys me (and my cats also always try and bash the vacuum cleaner up!)

 

[Anita18]

Does he want to cover his ears or leave the situation, or does he just get mad?

He covers his ears when it's very temporary, like sirens. He leaves the situation if it's prolonged. He doesn't lose his cool in public. If he can escape, he will. It's usually when he's stuck at home (landscapers) or can't go anywhere (3am in the morning, trying to sleep) that he gets mad.

I don't think testing for ASD would be useful - it doesn't change the symptoms or reaction, and it's not as if a diagnosis would help him get services as his age (or would it??). I do think it's worth thinking more about his reaction to his discomfort, and possibly looking into therapy, especially if you want children but also because it's just not a nice thing to lash out at people/things/situations for something like this, but no diagnosis should be needed for that. How has your husband reacted when you've spoken to him about this? He obviously understand he has an issue, which is great, but what does he think should/can be done about it? Is he willing to go to therapy? Would you consider saying he needs to go if you want to have children?

I agree an official diagnosis isn't going to help that much. He's going to be 34 soon and it's never really affected his life up until now. (I mean, it would if he wanted to do something more public-facing, but he doesn't, so....)

He is willing to go to therapy, but he doesn't want to go to something branded "anger management therapy" since he's afraid it'll show up on his record somewhere. I know he'd refuse to take meds. He's one of those men (IMO, your typical man) who only gets help when he can no longer help himself, so he's going to try meditation and trying harder first. As I mentioned, he also gets overwhelmed easily, so today was just planting the seed. Need to wait a few days to set the stake, so to say. He's already better than a lot of men about self-improvement. My mom was pleasantly surprised he agreed to a pre-marital communication workshop, cause my dad would have refused.

Generally, I'm more "aware" of things than he is. He explained today that he gets mad at Mickey because Mickey yowls even when he has food, water, litter box, and I'm like, "...you realize babies can cry and kids can tantrum for no rhyme or reason either?" It seemed to finally dawn on him why I was concerned. He expects things/people to make sense and act rationally, and gets overwhelmed and upset when they don't. That's why he can't stand office politics, although he's going to try working in-house for the sake of a steady paycheck, so we can expand our family. I'm a MUCH more empathetic person than he is (I've been told I'm a highly empathetic person in general), so that stuff doesn't bother me at all. Which would normally assign me the role of working parent and him as the SAHP, aside from this issue. Again, it's not that I'm afraid he'll physically hurt the child. It's me worrying about him handling the stress and not wanting to make life miserable for him, and for me by extension. I can already picture him grumping around 24/7 if he hasn't had a solid block of time to work and/or sleep. I can handle it when he needs to cool off for a few hours once every few weeks, but if every single day is going to be him stressing out or trying to cool off, I don't think I could. We can't be a good team that way, in marriage or parenting.

Heck, I should probably encourage him to get therapy for the work stuff in general. The last in-house job he had, he quit after a week because the code was so awful he had a panic attack looking at it. Definitely not a normal reaction, but he's been very lucky to have a highly in-demand skill and works extremely well remotely. He's never been forced to face it before, but the prospect of not having enough money to raise a family here might do it. The cost of childcare here in LA is astronomical. He talks about moving, but we're getting quickly priced out of everywhere else he deems acceptable. Plus my current job is in the local government and I might try to be more influential here, so moving might not be an option with that. And if we moved, it would be better to move closer to our relatives, and all of our immediate relatives are in the Bay Area, which isn't any better about cost of living.

I am diagnosed with ADD - it is very common for people with ADD to be very sensitive to noise because they cannot block out distractions.

I love loud constant noises like a hair dryer or a vacuum cleaner. It drives my husband mad but if I really want to relax, I sit in the kitchen with a coffee and the blasting kitchen hood. Heaven for me since it drowns out the other (for me) annoying noise. I do that to destress.

the noise mostly bothers me when I am already stressed. Is that the same for your husband?

Btw - it is also hereditary for me. My father was/is the same way. He has three daughters and children have seldom been an issue for him as well.

The noise does bother him most when he's working or sleeping. I've learned not to take it personally when he ignores my affections while he's working. He HATES the vacuum. Wears the giant noise-cancelling earmuffs even when he's the one vacuuming. He reacts to it like the landscapers. I don't think he's the one with ADD - I would be the one with ADD, if anything. (Easily distracted by fun internet things, energy off the walls sometimes, don't need much sleep. But I can focus enough to get work done, and I can get sleep.) He focuses very well, but I suppose it can't be easy if he has to force out the noise and stimulation to do so. But he's not nearly as distractible with other fun internet things while working, as I am. He's the perfect remote worker.

 

[Angelskates]

You have a husband who vacuums and is willing to go to therapy. Good find!

I would not go to something called anger management therapy either, it should be "therapy" - the issues (anger or whatever) are worked out in therapy. You don't see "anxiety management therapy" or "bipolar management therapy" - I totally get where he's coming from there...anger (and everything) comes from somewhere and it's that and root cause - and the reaction to that - you work on in therapy (hence the "management"). It does sound like he has a few things to work on before you consider children, and I think it's great that you're talking about it now, and that's he's willing to be proactive.

 

[Andrushka]

Thanks, well aware of this, as I've been working with kids with autism for more than a decade and been around them my whole life. I said nothing contrary to this. I was saying that I can handle the noises my students with autism may make, even though I have sound sensitivity. I said nothing about what my students can and can not deal with, though I have many with sound sensitivity (who also make noises themselves); I also have some who don't. Also, there is no such diagnosis as HF autism. Asperger Syndrome is not under HF autism, Asperger Syndrome is now under ASD, as is PDD-NOS, but HF autism has never been a specific diagnosis, or an official diagnosis, it's only been used informally and it's quite controversial. HFA has never been recognised by the DSM or ICD as a diagnosis on its own; it has either fallen under ASD, Asperger Syndrome, or PDD-NOS, which is the reason they are now all combined as ASD.

I don't think testing for ASD would be useful - it doesn't change the symptoms or reaction, and it's not as if a diagnosis would help him get services as his age (or would it??). I do think it's worth thinking more about his reaction to his discomfort, and possibly looking into therapy, especially if you want children but also because it's just not a nice thing to lash out at people/things/situations for something like this, but no diagnosis should be needed for that. How has your husband reacted when you've spoken to him about this? He obviously understand he has an issue, which is great, but what does he think should/can be done about it? Is he willing to go to therapy? Would you consider saying he needs to go if you want to have children?

Wasn't knocking you or your experience. As for HF autism and Aspergers,those are still diagnoses that are given and used. My son was diagnosed by one of the leading pediatric neurologist in this part of the country,just had an appointment last week and that is the diagnoses on his chart. There is such a thing,whether they change the wording or not. It is all autism, just variance on the spectrum.

 

[skatesindreams]

Anita, I'm glad that you can communicate your concerns to Alf; and that he responds.
That means there is hope for finding a solution which works toward your long-term goals!

 

[Angelskates]

Wasn't knocking you or your experience. As for HF autism and Aspergers,those are still diagnoses that are given and used. My son was diagnosed by one of the leading pediatric neurologist in this part of the country,just had an appointment last week and that is the diagnoses on his chart. There is such a thing,whether they change the wording or not. It is all autism, just variance on the spectrum.

Asperger syndrome was a recognised diagnosis in the previous DSM, HFA has never been a recognised diagnosis, not by the DSM or the ICD. If your son's paediatric neurologist is giving it out, I wonder why, as it is not formally recognised, and never has been. It is an informal "diagnosis" - there is no code for it (for insurance, funding, etc.). I question why a leading doctor (or any doctor or assessor) would go against the DSM's guidelines. You can google search that HFA is not in the DSM. There are legitimate reasons for the ICD and DSM, and legitimate reasons HFA has never been included in either of them. Doctors, psychologists and therapists should only be giving diagnoses recognised by the DSM or ICD, otherwise it's undermines their professions, and the diagnosis, and the manuals; they could be making up any diagnosis they want. They can add points (there are subcategories etc. for most diagnoses, and of course in the assessment report, they can say that the person is high functioning) but they shouldn't be adding to, or modifying, any of the actual diagnoses. Asperger syndrome is no longer a diagnosis either, anyone who was diagnosed with it previously keeps it, but you can't be given that diagnosis now - the guidelines for the new DSM make that clear.

 

[Angelskates]

Anita another unrelated question: how did you find the pre-marriage counselling? Useful? I've only ever heard of it with churches; did yours have a religious basis?

 

[Anita18]

Anita another unrelated question: how did you find the pre-marriage counselling? Useful? I've only ever heard of it with churches; did yours have a religious basis?

I Googled/Yelped it. http://www.marriageprep101.com/ was the one we did, and I highly recommend doing something like it, to learn how to communicate through tough stuff with an intimate partner. We had to travel upstate, but it was an excuse to visit relatives too. It was the only communication skills-based non-religious one I found that wasn't exactly counseling. (In our class, we actually had a couple from Australia fly out for it!) Alf and I had never had a full-blown argument (still haven't), so I didn't think we needed counseling to work out existing conflicts. But I wanted to be more prepared for more heavy stuff, and he thought it was a good idea too. Exactly like how this current situation is panning out, haha.


Speaking of which, Alf seems to have taken my concerns to heart and did some research himself. He's going to see a therapist Friday morning. It's good timing too, since he at the job interview he was worried about, and he surmised was going to be a crunchtime position with long hours. Normally he doesn't react to such situations well, but he's realizing that he can't be as picky as he has been with working situations. If the project is interesting, the people are jerks, and if the people are nice, the project is awful, and he can't stand either situation. I've been telling him that as long as the people are nice, he can still make an impact, so I think he's going to kill two birds with one stone here. I really am lucky to have a self-motivating, self-aware spouse who takes my concerns seriously.

 

[skatesindreams]

^^^
Anita, that's real progress.
I hope that the therapist is a good "fit" for him.

 

[VGThuy]

Anita18, if I may ask a personal question. What inspired you and Alf to seek out pre-marriage counseling?

 

[Angelskates]

I Googled/Yelped it. http://www.marriageprep101.com/ was the one we did, and I highly recommend doing something like it, to learn how to communicate through tough stuff with an intimate partner. We had to travel upstate, but it was an excuse to visit relatives too. It was the only communication skills-based non-religious one I found that wasn't exactly counseling. (In our class, we actually had a couple from Australia fly out for it!) Alf and I had never had a full-blown argument (still haven't), so I didn't think we needed counseling to work out existing conflicts. But I wanted to be more prepared for more heavy stuff, and he thought it was a good idea too. Exactly like how this current situation is panning out, haha.

Speaking of which, Alf seems to have taken my concerns to heart and did some research himself. He's going to see a therapist Friday morning. It's good timing too, since he at the job interview he was worried about, and he surmised was going to be a crunchtime position with long hours. Normally he doesn't react to such situations well, but he's realizing that he can't be as picky as he has been with working situations. If the project is interesting, the people are jerks, and if the people are nice, the project is awful, and he can't stand either situation. I've been telling him that as long as the people are nice, he can still make an impact, so I think he's going to kill two birds with one stone here. I really am lucky to have a self-motivating, self-aware spouse who takes my concerns seriously.

That's great! I really don't like any of the pre-marriage counselling I've seen through churches (I am a Christian; I don't go to church), but I think it's great when people seek out help for themselves and their relationships, especially relating to communication. I think it's great you were proactive, and recommend it for everyone (I also recommend general counselling, help for parents, etc) at least once, especially in groups (so everyone can see there is no normal and we all have our sh!t).

 

[Anita18]

Anita18, if I may ask a personal question. What inspired you and Alf to seek out pre-marriage counseling?

I still refuse to call it counseling, because we didn't have to work out any existing conflicts.

It came from an awareness that the biggest reason why we hadn't had any arguments at the time was because of how chill and independent we were. We didn't agree 100% on things, but we supported each other, even when it meant that Alf went upstate to work for almost a year, or when he quit his job(s ). As long as both of us were contributing to the bills, it didn't really matter. But we were aware that all of that would change when we become legally entwined, and ESPECIALLY if we were to become parents. We would have to have serious considerations about work/living situations. And knowing that we didn't naturally agree 100% on things and that we wanted to have an equal partnership, that we would need the skills to talk things out productively, and in a manner that would maintain respect for one another.

Or at least I wanted to be more prepared for those kinds of serious talks, and I convinced Alf it was a good idea too. He was game, although he wasn't totally on board until after the first day and he saw how useful it was. His parents got divorced when he was young, and although his mom remarried, he doesn't want their marriage either. (They snipe at each other all the time, that's what they like but he HATES being around it. ) He's always made a concerted effort to not have the relationship his parents did, and that meant being good at talking things out respectfully.

 

[AxelAnnie]

Oh heaven's. Don't have kids.

 

[Angelskates]

Oh heaven's. Don't have kids.

What an awful thing to say. Actually, I think just based on the fact they recognised they could have some potential issues and sought to work on things before they became potential issues means they'd make great parents and partners. Not enough people ask for help when they need it, let alone before they (may) need it.

 

[AxelAnnie]

What an awful thing to say. Actually, I think just based on the fact they recognised they could have some potential issues and sought to work on things before they became potential issues means they'd make great parents and partners. Not enough people ask for help when they need it, let alone before they (may) need it.

I did not mean to be awful.

What an awful thing to say. Actually, I think just based on the fact they recognised they could have some potential issues and sought to work on things before they became potential issues means they'd make great parents and partners. Not enough people ask for help when they need it, let alone before they (may) need it.

That is far from an awful thing to say. It is a realistic thing to say. If you have a person who cannot tolerate loud noises, why would you introduce a baby into the mix? Sounds like they have enough to deal with. If he can get to a point where he can, for a few years, deal with the sensitivity, then re-visit the matter.

As to premarital counseling, it should be really useful. There are so many things that couples don't talk about, and hope (usually the woman hopes) that the man will change.

Some of the topics that should be talked bout and ironed through:
1. Children.....everybody want them? How many,
2. Money.....how are we going to handle finances.
3. Religion.......which, what and how.

People so often don't get these things agreed upon and then it leads to horrible strife between the couple.

 

[VGThuy]

FYI, it’s been over a year and a half from the last post to when this thread was revived yesterday.

 

[Anita18]

FYI, it’s been over a year and a half from the last post to when this thread was revived yesterday.

And HILARIOUSLY in the interim, Alf has gotten a lot better with loud noises. He still prefers quiet, but has ways of handling it that doesn't involve anger. We even rode the BART a few times! (Still prefers driving, but the fact that he had a placid expression on his face the whole time instead of "OMG shoot me now" is a big win.)

I think a lot of it was stress from the uncertainty of job searching. He's been at an in-house position for over a year now and still enjoys the work. He hasn't had a reaction like I described originally for a long time.

We did have to say goodbye to Mickey late last year though. He went downhill really quickly and couldn't yowl anymore and Alf actually got sad he physically couldn't yowl anymore. It was the first time I'd ever seen Alf cry.

Even more hilariously, we did have a more serious kid talk recently too. I think that given our abilities to figure things out and our general calm manner, we'll be ok.

 

[skatesindreams]

Thank you, for this encouraging update!

 

[Meredith]

Thanks for the update, Anita. (I miss your posts!)
Wonderful news of Alf's progress!

 

[madm]

Thanks for the update, Anita. (I miss your posts!)
Wonderful news of Alf's progress!

I have had a few annoying sounds to cope with around our house too. My hubby likes to blare the stereo at night when I'm trying to watch a TV program in another room, so I asked for Bose noise-cancelling headphones for Xmas, and voila, they have totally solved that problem. Now I can put them on and drown out whatever sound he's listening to. We have a Bluetooth transmitter attached to the TV to send the signal to my headphones.

And at night, we have two cats who I lock out of the bedroom but they used to rattle the door for attention or food. I used cans of compressed air (SSSCAT) placed outside the door or down the hallway to train them to stay away from my door and it worked flawlessly. I also got automatic feeders so they now get dry food dispensed at 5AM, and thus they don't bother me for food anymore. One of the cats also likes to play-hunt with a stuffed animal bird usually around midnight, and he trills loudly for a minute or two while he's parading around with his catch. Every night I turn on a large fan in the bedroom to create white noise, and thus I barely ever hear the cat's trilling.

I guess my point is that there are ways to block out noises and to train animals to stop bothering you. It won't address a person's reaction to noises, but it can make living with noise more bearable.

 

[Japanfan]

Glad the problem appears to be resolving, Anita 18.

 

[Vash01]

I have a confession to make. I am overly sensitive to some sounds, like people locking the car with a really loud sound (my car has a softer sound), or someone using a blower to clean a yard, or people talking/laughing too loudly, or someone vacuuming around me (in a store or a gym) real close to me. Those are some examples. At work I use music/headphones to block out the sound of people talking. Actually most of us use headphones. If I am very focused on something, the noise doesn't bother me. I have no control over some of the noises, like the leaf blower or a motorcyclist, etc. I feel irritated when that happens, and I have no control over it.

I am probably not saying anything helpful here, but may be it is not that unusual for people to be hypersensitive to sound/noise.

 

[Japanfan]

I have a confession to make. I am overly sensitive to some sounds, like people locking the car with a really loud sound (my car has a softer sound), or someone using a blower to clean a yard, or people talking/laughing too loudly, or someone vacuuming around me (in a store or a gym) real close to me.
I am probably not saying anything helpful here, but may be it is not that unusual for people to be hypersensitive to sound/noise.

I think it is quite usual.

I am very bothered by the loud sounds of children playing, perhaps because I don't have any kids myself and am unaccustomed to it.

I am bothered by loud music in some pubs and restaurants, which is so loud that you have to scream to have a conversation. For some reason I don't understand, a lot of people don't seem to mind it.

I am bothered by the din in some large big box stores, which echoes.

And I am bothered by the constant barking of the dog in the basement apartment here (left alone for days, long story).

Lastly, car alarms these days shriek, and I find the sound awful.