Coughlin's Former Pairs Partner Alleges He Abused Her

[MsZem]

And lastly, the gofundme specifically stated that the money was not only for the funeral but also for the legal actions the family will take following what happened, and it's not farfetched to assume the legal actions might also include a smear campaign against the accusers since it's the first move in any sexual abuse case (you know, like calling the accuser "Unbalanced"...) so being disappointed that skaters contributed money for that cause is also understandable (once again, without engaging in any form of bullying).

My understanding is that it was originally only for funeral expenses and the legal stuff was added later on.

 

[LeafOnTheWind]

My understanding is that it was originally only for funeral expenses and the legal stuff was added later on.

That was my understanding as well.

 

[angi]

You can say you're not making demands, but that's not my take away from your posts. And, unfortunately you agree with people who are demanding and wishing miserable lives on skaters who just donated to a funeral.

So basically what you are saying is that you decided to interpret my words in a way I repeatedly said I do not mean them using words I did not use and you won't let reality change your mind. OK then.

 

[JamieElena]

"Terrible" and "Rotten" are your words and not mine since I've never used them. "Harmful" I did use and I 100% stand behind it. There's no guide on how to grieve but grieving is not a free pass to behave however you want, consequences be damned. I'm also not saying it's black or white, but it's also not as simple as labeling it as "complex" and moving on. And please don't assume things about past experiences on any of the posters here, I don't think it's right or respectful.

I wasn't assuming, that's why i said, "maybe."

t's not farfetched to assume the legal actions might also include a smear campaign against the accusers since it's the first move in any sexual abuse case (you know, like calling the accuser "Unbalanced"...) so being disappointed that skaters contributed money for that cause is also understandable (once again, without engaging in any form of bullying)..

What was that about assuming again?

 

[JamieElena]

So basically what you are saying is that you decided to interpret my words in a way I repeatedly said I do not mean them using words I did not use and you won't let reality change your mind. OK then.

it's the repetitive, incessant nature.

 

[mag]

Did Adam not come correct? Did he not do it good enough for everyone's liking?

How, exactly, in your estimation should these skaters who posted tribute posts after the suicide of their friend, make amends for the errors of their ways? What would make it all better?

Nothing will make it all better. That shipped sailed years ago. All we can hope is the people (and I mean skaters and those reading this thread) learn. That they take on board the comments in this thread, that they think about their words and actions and ask themselves how they can do better next time.

A few years back there was a thread about coming out. I don’t remember what started it but I remember a post by @BlueRidge. She said something to the effect that when someone come out it is hurtful when people respond with comments like they “don’t care about that.” People who were thinking they were saying something acceptable, but it turned out that they were hurting people. At the time I thought “I would never be that insensitive... you know what? A few months later I said that. I didn’t think and it came out of my mouth. What I meant was that I still loved and cared for the person but I saw the hurt. Thankfully, I remembered that thread, I apologized. I admitted what I had said was insensitive and wrong. I learned something that day.

Maybe, just maybe, you or someone else reading could learn something here. Something that will make the world a kinder place.

Maybe I am just dreaming.

 

[okokok777]

It's chilling to read that this man abused his teenage partner for two years while living in her parents' home with her, then went on to spend the next 12 years at a high professional level within the sport. Bridget was abused over a long period of time, and it sounds like others may have been aware of it. Doesn't that scare anyone? I think it's terrifying, what else did this guy do to the young athletes he had access to? And yet in this thread, we have people psychoanalyzing and attacking Bridget's statements, criticizing her behavior, citing age of consent laws... it's sickening and it's all victim-shaming. We don't know what her life has been like since that time, or why she chose to come forward in this way. If Bridget says she was abused, it's not our place to say "no you weren't!" or "that's not PC!" Support her, believe her, give her the benefit of the doubt.

This. I'm getting the impression that people are ignoring context.

I'm not being obtuse or missing the point, I'm just wondering in what book does it spell out what's reasonable and what's not when it comes to grieving? What you want to label "terrible, rotten, harmful tribute posts", I call part of someone's grieving process. Maybe I've been to more funerals and since I'm closer to my reckoning, it's not so black and white for me.

Unfortunately, repeated calls - no, DEMANDS (because that's these are, make no mistake) for apologies and posts of support for the victims from mid-level skaters who donated to a gofundme to pay for a funeral for a father who cut his son down, DO constitute harassment and bullying in my estimation.

Yes, the skaters/coaches that posted tributes to JC were struggling with a tremendous amount of grief. A man they loved had died suddenly by suicide. Now I, personally, don't have any problems with people who posted something along the lines of "R.I.P." or "such a tragedy" or a black screen on their Instagram story. And of course, there were people like Mervin Tran whose reactions were exceptionally sensitive and nuanced. There are also people like Tara and Dalilah, whose response and behavior has been exceptionally atrocious.

However, for people who wrote extensive tributes on the amazing qualities of JC without so much as mentioning the allegations (i.e. Adam, Johnny, Grant, etc.), their actions contributed to a culture of silence. Issuing an apology, such as Adam and Gabriella Papadakis (another skater who gave an exceptional response) did, goes a long way in addressing this.

Here's another thing: I can confirm that several of the people who posted those tributes knew the identity of AT LEAST one of the survivors and the identity of the third-party reporter. I would bet that they all knew that John was being investigated by SafeSport and that he was given an interim restriction in December. If they have even a basic understanding of SafeSport, they would have also known that the chances that JC was being investigated for anything other than sexual misconduct were very slim. They should have posted responsibly. They didn't. They now have the opportunity to apologize and to do better in the future. They should take it.

In regards to Bridget's comments, I'm MUCH more forgiving. Based on her FB post, I'm assuming that she has knowledge of, or has even been in communication with, many of the other survivors. Once you dig deeper into all of their cases, it becomes harder to believe that the people who publicly expressed support for JC (in the form of tribute posts, post-legal fees GoFundMe donations, red hats, etc.) really had no idea what was going on.

 

[angi]

it's the repetitive, incessant nature.

Sure, let's go with that and not with the fact that you went down that road once you had no more rebuttals.

 

[JamieElena]

Just a thought here, but if anyone feels strongly about wanting their favorite skater to make an apology and a statement of support for survivors, that a better avenue might be sending a well worded, well thought out letter to the skater/their skate club/agent/however and expressing your feelings succinctly to them directly. In the time people have argued with me over this, the letter could've been sent. Which is kind of the point in playing devil's advocate with y'all.

 

[okokok777]

Just a thought here, but if anyone feels strongly about wanting their favorite skater to make an apology and a statement of support for survivors, that a better avenue might be sending a well worded, well thought out letter to the skater/their skate club/agent/however and expressing your feelings succinctly to them directly. In the time people have argued with me over this, the letter could've been sent. Which is kind of the point in playing devil's advocate with y'all.

This tactic was utilized frequently in the weeks after JC's death. Gabriella Papadakis's apology was actually in response to a fan's direct message on Instagram. Most other skaters either didn't respond or used the opportunity to explain their actions while still failing to even acknowledge the allegations.

Maybe now that one of the survivors has come forward, more skaters will be willing to speak up, apologize and make a statement of support. So far, the only skater that I know of who has taken a public stand since Bridget's posts is Tim Koleto (who has "liked" several Twitter posts in support of Bridget and addressing abuse culture in the sport). He also showed a lot of respect to survivors in the wake of JC's death and was very critical of the KC hats at Nationals.

 

[canbelto]

You know if this was "somebody" in the sport like Aljona Savchenko or Tessa Virtue I bet the outpouring of support would be overwhelming. It's like how in gymnastics several big names had to apologize for their support of Larry Nassar ... but that was because big names were coming out alleging abuse. But since this is a skater whose career never became bigger than John Coughlin somehow it's like her allegations don't matter. It's sickening.

 

[platniumangel]

Did Adam not come correct? Did he not do it good enough for everyone's liking?

How, exactly, in your estimation should these skaters who posted tribute posts after the suicide of their friend, make amends for the errors of their ways? What would make it all better?

I think its wrong to judge the skaters that posted a tribute after John’s death. They have a right to grieve and a right to remember the John they knew. Yes, there was an ongoing investigation involving John, but there was no final conclusion. Therefore, he wasn’t found guilty of anything when he committed suicide/and when the skaters posted their tributes. Had there been some final determination on the matter, I’m sure the skaters would have posted differently with that knowledge in mind.

 

[overedge]

Just a thought here, but if anyone feels strongly about wanting their favorite skater to make an apology and a statement of support for survivors, that a better avenue might be sending a well worded, well thought out letter to the skater/their skate club/agent/however and expressing your feelings succinctly to them directly. In the time people have argued with me over this, the letter could've been sent. Which is kind of the point in playing devil's advocate with y'all.

I haven't argued with you at all. I stated what I thought could be done. Skaters can read the Washington Post article as well as I can, and it's not hard for them to find the news of what's happened since Coughlin's death. I'd like to think they would be clued in enough to realize the potential misinterpretations of what they posted, and to proactively address that. It shouldn't take prods from fans.

 

[PairSkater12345]

Imo his family those skaters and Delilah and his agent all deserve bullying and harassment. They all enabled an abuser and defend the undefensible.

NO ONE DESERVES BULLYING AND HARASSMENT. You solve nothing with this attitude.

 

[canbelto]

NO ONE DESERVES BULLYING AND HARASSMENT. You solve nothing with this attitude.

People who bully and harass others (which Delilah is guilty of) deserve a taste of their own medicine. And no I'm not saying stalk them or whatever. But as Delilah repeatedly harassed and tried to out accusers during nationals why should she be given a free pass?

 

[coppertop1]

Countdown until this thread gets shut down or admin pops up with a warning.

 

[ballettmaus]

People who bully and harass others (which Delilah is guilty of) deserve a taste of their own medicine.

According to that logic:
Person A bullies Person B, so Person A deserves to be bullied. So, Person B starts to bully Person A, but since everyone who bullies someone deserves a taste of their own medicine, according to you, that means Person B now also deserves to be bullied. So, Person C decides to take that upon themselves and starts to bully Person B. But now, Person C also deserves to be bullied and Person D starts to bully Person C. Now, Person D deserves to be bullied and Person E thinks hey, let me do that... I think you can see where this is going.

Bullying and harrassment are wrong, no doubt about it. But "an eye for an eye" is not and has never been the answer and will lead nowhere except to an extrajudicial society.

 

[judiz]

As for why she stayed... sadly most victims of abuse stay. Often they are afraid that they can't make it on their own and in the case of a female pair skater that would be a very valid fear. She might know that there aren't many other options so it's "put up with it" or "give up my dream". I can see a young lady not making what we might think from this view making decisions that we now go "why?". Abuse victims often stay for reasons that to the outside world seem unbelievable so why would a young skater be expected to be more knowledgeable than others who have stayed?

It is quite possible that she stayed because she did not realize it was abuse. How many gymnasts said they thought Nasser’s treatments were normal because it was done to everyone else? Perhaps Bridget did come to realize what had happened once she was away from the situation and in therapy.

 

[misskarne]

My understanding is that it was originally only for funeral expenses and the legal stuff was added later on.

That was my understanding as well.

That's right. The original GoFundMe was just for funeral expenses, which was when most skaters who donated did. Then, several days afterwards, it was changed to add for legal expenses, and my understanding is that the donations immediately started drying up. The skaters who gave gave when they thought they were just helping a family out with their son's funeral. Not when they thought they were contributing to a legal fund for an accused abuser.

(But those skaters got put on the "trash list" anyway.)

This tactic was utilized frequently in the weeks after JC's death. Gabriella Papadakis's apology was actually in response to a fan's direct message on Instagram. Most other skaters either didn't respond or used the opportunity to explain their actions while still failing to even acknowledge the allegations.

I'm guessing this was likely because I doubt many of the messages were thoughtful, well-worded and gentle at all, but rather, aggressive attacks on the skater's character and integrity. Most people generally don't respond well to being harassed and attacked and put on a "trash list" simply because they dared to post a black screen.

 

[muffinplus]

Countdown until this thread gets shut down or admin pops up with a warning.

I don't understand the point of having this topic here anymore...

 

[hoptoad]

I agree that more bullying and harassment is not the answer, but what should be be done about what I'm calling to myself "the Delilah problem?"

Her actions, for a coach responsible for protecting skaters and for reporting abuse, are completely unacceptable.

Someone earlier suggested she should be reprimanded by USFS or the coaching association. I think that's a bare minimum.

Delilah needs to make a clear statement that she understands her professional responsibilities regarding protecting skaters, that she will in fact follow and insist others follow all the applicable rules, and that she will listen respectfully to any allegations about abuse and make sure they are investigated by the appropriate body.

She needs to clearly state that she does not know whether the allegations about John are true. (I can understand her emotional facebook postings immediately after his suicide, but she has an obligation to assure the skating community that she takes her coaching role seriously.)

I still won't completely trust her after she makes such statements, but it's a start. I think the USFS should revoke her coaching privileges until she does something to start to repair trust.

I'm not sure what exact steps USFS has available to them, but they've got to do something.

 

[VGThuy]

I think people are thinking there are better ways to get "justice" than "bullying" and "harassment" which are not just strong responses and reprimands but something much more beyond and meant to attack and hurt.

 

[okokok777]

That's right. The original GoFundMe was just for funeral expenses, which was when most skaters who donated did. Then, several days afterwards, it was changed to add for legal expenses, and my understanding is that the donations immediately started drying up. The skaters who gave gave when they thought they were just helping a family out with their son's funeral. Not when they thought they were contributing to a legal fund for an accused abuser.

(But those skaters got put on the "trash list" anyway.)

The title of the GoFundMe page was actually changed to "Funeral expenses and legal fees" between 3PM and 11PM (EST) on January 19 according to time stamped screenshots, social media posts and web page archives. Dalilah created the page on the same day. I'm not sure where you got the "several days" from?

I do agree that the name of the list was unnecessary and frankly, counterproductive. I also see no problem with people donating if they believed that their money would just go to funeral expenses.

 

[overedge]

I think the USFS should revoke her coaching privileges until she does something to start to repair trust.

I'm not sure what exact steps USFS has available to them, but they've got to do something.

And then there's the Professional Skaters Association. According to her online bio she is a Level 4 PSA-ranked coach. From the PSA code of ethics: https://skatepsa.com/bylaws-ethics#code-of-ethics

Members of the Professional Skaters Association (hereafter referred to as "Members"), shall at all times exercise the greatest care and discretion in their relationships with other members, athletes, and act in a manner which avoids verbal, mental, emotional, physical, or sexual misconduct of any athlete, coach, parent, or official as defined in the current U.S. Figure Skating SafeSport Handbook.

Forcing "her" skaters to wear red hats at Nationals would fall under this language IMHO.

 

[coppertop1]

I agree that more bullying and harassment is not the answer, but what should be be done about what I'm calling to myself "the Delilah problem?"

Her actions, for a coach responsible for protecting skaters and for reporting abuse, are completely unacceptable.

Someone earlier suggested she should be reprimanded by USFS or the coaching association. I think that's a bare minimum.

Delilah needs to make a clear statement that she understands her professional responsibilities regarding protecting skaters, that she will in fact follow and insist others follow all the applicable rules, and that she will listen respectfully to any allegations about abuse and make sure they are investigated by the appropriate body.

She needs to clearly state that she does not know whether the allegations about John are true. (I can understand her emotional facebook postings immediately after his suicide, but she has an obligation to assure the skating community that she takes her coaching role seriously.)

I still won't completely trust her after she makes such statements, but it's a start. I think the USFS should revoke her coaching privileges until she does something to start to repair trust.

I'm not sure what exact steps USFS has available to them, but they've got to do something.

Give this post a reward

 

[nlloyd]

However, for people who wrote extensive tributes on the amazing qualities of JC without so much as mentioning the allegations (i.e. Adam, Johnny, Grant, etc.), their actions contributed to a culture of silence. Issuing an apology, such as Adam and Gabriella Papadakis (another skater who gave an exceptional response) did, goes a long way in addressing this.

Here's another thing: I can confirm that several of the people who posted those tributes knew the identity of AT LEAST one of the survivors and the identity of the third-party reporter. I would bet that they all knew that John was being investigated by SafeSport and that he was given an interim restriction in December. If they have even a basic understanding of SafeSport, they would have also known that the chances that JC was being investigated for anything other than sexual misconduct were very slim. They should have posted responsibly. They didn't. They now have the opportunity to apologize and to do better in the future. They should take it.

I had the same sense when reading some of the tributes to Coughlin. It seemed clear to me that many skaters were aware of the allegations. Some wrote of "the John they knew." Others seemed not only to be grieving his loss, but also protesting the allegations. It is possible that some of the "explanations" that later circulated in the media (the accusers were jealous, unstable etc.) had earlier been disseminated in the skating community and that many skaters actually believed them i.e. believed that someone had a vendetta against Coughlin and had set him up.

 

[Rob]

When these kinds of things are made public, it is quite difficult to reconcile the nice, friendly, supportive person you know with a person who can do something like this. I don’t fault people who knew him for finding it hard to believe. And I don’t fault his family for believing him. But One can point out the good in a flawed human being without trashing the victims.

 

[Prancer]

People who bully and harass others (which Delilah is guilty of) deserve a taste of their own medicine. And no I'm not saying stalk them or whatever. But as Delilah repeatedly harassed and tried to out accusers during nationals why should she be given a free pass?

Because revenge is not justice.

Countdown until this thread gets shut down or admin pops up with a warning.

Yeah, the thread is starting to unravel, just like all the others. I am not sure that there is really anything else to say, but sometimes the train gets back on the track.

I foresee this topic coming up again and again as news is just going to keep trickling out. I am beginning to think that there should be some sort of FAQ included with every initial post about this situation so that we don't keep having to cover the same ground all the time. Maybe we should just try this--if you think your head is about to explode from something you read, go do something else for a while instead of hitting that Post Reply button.

 

[coppertop1]

Because revenge is not justice.



Yeah, the thread is starting to unravel, just like all the others. I am not sure that there is really anything else to say, but sometimes the train gets back on the track.

I foresee this topic coming up again and again as news is just going to keep trickling out. I am beginning to think that there should be some sort of FAQ included with every initial post about this situation so that we don't keep having to cover the same ground all the time. Maybe we should just try this--if you think your head is about to explode from something you read, go do something else for a while instead of hitting that Post Reply button.

It was going pretty well but now it's regressed into criticizing the victim (again).

Yeah, stepping back from thread is a good idea when it gets heated

 

[just tuned in]

The situation reminds me of Meryl Streep’s reaction to the Harvey Weinstein allegations. Weinstein had never assaulted Streep and she was unaware of his behavior. She defended him and spoke warmly about their friendship. I think that as victims came forward, she apologized, but initially, she had only glowing things to say.

There seems to be some parallels with the five stages of grief. Denial (“no, impossible”), anger (“how could the system allow this!”), bargaining (looking for ameliorating circumstances). I imagine that eventually, folks will come to accept the facts that emerge.