Baby Question

[Susan1]

Well, she got in bed with him so I think she "liked" something about him. And YOU don't get to decide whether he's doing fine or not. (By that I meant he is not affected by AxelAnnie's or your approval.) Unless you personally are required to babysit or financially support the baby, none of this is your business. How would you like it if your cousin felt that she was entitled to approve or disapprove your life decisions? If you love her, emotionally support her. Period. The baby is here, it's a done deal.

AGAIN, I am just sharing my cousin's complaints here. She had to wake him up to yell at him! Then he pouted and left. She doesn't know what HER DAUGHTER could have possibly seen in this guy either, her first "serious" boyfriend.

And I would certainly expect my cousin to have an opinion and advice and comments if I was in any kind of negative life situation.

 

[taf2002]

My 1st cousin, with whom I was closest growing up, had 17 yr old daughter get pregnant but her situation was much more dire than your cousin's. Her daughter didn't even have a high school diploma or any means of supporting herself. No one in our family made a judgement about it or offered unsolicited advice. If your cousin vents to you, great. Be an outlet for her. Of course she's not entirely happy about the situation but the status will not remain quo forever. Either the father will step up & be a source of support or he will go on being a tool & cousin's daughter will kick him to the curb & make a life for herself & son without him. All this will happen without your outrage.

 

[Xela M]

My 1st cousin, with whom I was closest growing up, had 17 yr old daughter get pregnant but her situation was much more dire than your cousin's. Her daughter didn't even have a high school diploma or any means of supporting herself. No one in our family made a judgement about it or offered unsolicited advice. If your cousin vents to you, great. Be an outlet for her. Of course she's not entirely happy about the situation but the status will not remain quo forever. Either the father will step up & be a source of support or he will go on being a tool & cousin's daughter will kick him to the curb & make a life for herself & son without him. All this will happen without your outrage.

My family is very conservative, traditional and highly academic, so my choice of weed-smoking, unemployed, uneducated (but VERY handsome ) husband from a less than decent family, was a shock to say the least. But even they allowed a bit of time after the baby was born for my husband's father skills to shine through before ripping him to shreds and trying to divorce us.

Have some patience with Peyton's dad. Honestly, there are worse guys out there.

 

[Prancer]

And I would certainly expect my cousin to have an opinion and advice and comments if I was in any kind of negative life situation.

I don't think the problem is that you have an opinion and advice and comments for your cousin; I think it's a mistake to post so much of this personal stuff here for everyone to read and judge--in totally nonjudgmental ways, of course.

But since so many are throwing in their two cents, I will throw in mine--if your cousin's daughter were my daughter, I would be very upset about this situation; I don't think your cousin is being unreasonable. She is supporting her daughter and doing a lot to take care of her grandchild; I think she has every right to expect the baby's father to step up and to be angry that he isn't. If the best you can say about the father is that he could be a lot worse, well, yeah. Yay, Dad. But then I would also be asking myself why my daughter had made the choices she did. He isn't alone in making poor decisions.

That said, I've been through this many times with assorted family members, and what happens is--life goes on. People do what they do, the baby grows up no matter what, and the best thing you can all do is accept that there is nothing you can do about pretty much any of it except cope as best you can. All that anger you feel just makes you angry--it doesn't do anything to motivate anyone else to do better and it just keeps you all wound up and miserable.

 

[PDilemma]

My cousin had a baby when she was 20. The father had a college degree and a moderately well paying job. He came to the hospital and helped her out with caring for the baby early on. He regularly gave her checks or cash or bought things for the baby. We all felt like he was doing the best he could. Everyone was impressed.

Until she found out that all the money he was giving her and spending on their child came from a series of bank robberies he was involved in. She turned him in and he ended up in jail.

Be careful of making quick judgements. You just can't tell.

And, btw, my brother was never married to his son's mother and they broke up shortly before she discovered she was pregnant. He didn't tell us she was pregnant until a few weeks before nephew was born. It was not out of irresponsibility as much as embarrassment and not knowing how things were going to turn out between them in regard to their child. Nephew will be 21 soon. My brother paid child support until he turned 19 (including for 2 years when he actually had custody...don't get me started on how screwed up the system is sometimes) and is paying the full cost of his college now. He, in fact, has a better relationship with nephew than the mother does.

 

[Skittl1321]

If she was on Medicaid (I know states are different), I wonder how the pre-existing thing would affect them. They have been doing ultrasounds on his underdeveloped kidneys all along so that would be pre-existing.

Conditions before birth are not pre-existing. But missing enrollment deadlines, they can become classified as such.

 

[once_upon]

again, each state's rules and eligibility is different according to how that individual state administers it's Medicaid program. But in general, all prenatal care is considered maternal care and insurance or medical bills are not accumulated until the infant is born. As Skittl1321 noted, enrollment deadlines determine what will and will not be covered.

As for my initial visceral reaction/judgement of what you reported your cousin's concerns and judgements, yes I had a deep reaction to the opening statements. For 33 years I worked with kids and many of those had congenital issues. I saw a great change in the treatment and outcomes when a potential problem is identified as soon as possible, even in utero. In days of pre-authorizations, repeated ultrasounds would need approval by insurance companies. Physicians, diagnostic centers and hospitals are very aware of this and do not want any non-covered procedures to be ordered. I did pre-auths in the last 18 months of my professional life, we did not do ANYTHING without pre-auth.

I had a huge gut punch, when you talked about soap opera, not that kind of family, nice home middle class neighborhood, these things only happen in lower socioeconomic families because I know you don't have to been in a low income, inner city, whatever to have an unplanned, accidental pregnancy. A father who you do not approve of, etc. Because I have a grandson as a result of a poorly thought out relationship, my son was unemployed at the time - a little angry about the situation he found himself in - and we are a "good family, middle class, nice neighborhood, never been in this situation before". Your cousin and your judgement of your cousin's daughter and baby daddy was very close to home. Unlike the baby daddy in your cousin's situation - we, the baby daddy parents, provide housing, food, etc for the mommy and daddy. Mommy rarely got up before 1 pm, expected me to do everything while i was working 50-55 hours a week. It happens to every socioeconomic level. And grandparents don't always approve of their adult children's relationships because we don't get to pick out their partners.

I reacted strongly to the working until you went into labor issue that you had, because I had a father in law who berated me for working through out the pregnancy up to labor. He did not realize that I had to for a variety of reasons. Would I have liked to stay at home until baby arrived? yeah, I was exhausted and ready to be done. But I had to for reasons I won't go into.

"dead-beat" daddy is probably experiencing some level of depression about the situation, that's normal in any post-birth situation for both parents. He's probably beating himself up and hearing everything from all sides. Should he feel bad, should he go out and meet everyone's expectations, probably. I'm not defending him, I am just stating what my son went through. But guess what - I thought my grandson's mommy should have done more too. We financially support her, even when she had moved out and separated from my son. She spent money on things that I thought she shouldn't have. It wasn't until the judge told she had to get a job that she did.

It is a heartbreaking process to fill out WIC, Medicaid, Title XX forms for assistance. I know - I sat with families, who were middle class good incomes, fill them out. They never expected to fill them out. It is not a failure. Again, I don't know Ohio but there could be day care assistance while your cousin's daughter is in school or working.

The reference to a "homemade gift" also hit hard - my sister gives homemade blankets, car seat covers, sweaters, jackets. To her it's better than store bought because she puts love in them.

And finally - the reason you started this thread was to ask about excessive ultrasounds and potential genetic defects. It appears from the comments and need for medication for kidney issues, that there was a reason for concern. I imagine many of us would have appreciated an update.

I would like to say that Baby Peyton will have parents that do exactly as your cousin wants. But it won't happen. I know, I wish a lot of things for my grandson that won't happen.

 

[Susan1]

My 1st cousin, with whom I was closest growing up, had 17 yr old daughter get pregnant but her situation was much more dire than your cousin's. Her daughter didn't even have a high school diploma or any means of supporting herself. No one in our family made a judgement about it or offered unsolicited advice. If your cousin vents to you, great. Be an outlet for her. Of course she's not entirely happy about the situation but the status will not remain quo forever. Either the father will step up & be a source of support or he will go on being a tool & cousin's daughter will kick him to the curb & make a life for herself & son without him. All this will happen without your outrage.

Does anyone think it is ironic that I am arguing with a stranger about my family being none of MY business?

 

[Susan1]

Geez. My finger slipped on the enter key and I lost the reply and did another one and the old one came back. I'm going now..................

 

[Japanfan]

Does anyone think it is ironic that I am arguing with a stranger about my family being none of MY business?

No. You started this thread, appearing to want advice and inviting people to throw in their two cents about YOUR business.

ITA that you need to get over it and get on with it. Be supportive, enjoy the baby. Dad will do what he's going to do in any case and nobody is going to change him.

 

[meggonzo]

I think despite them being your family, the decisions they make aren't your business. You don't need to get sucked up in the baby-daddy drama. If your cousin wants to vent, let her, but instead of being judgmental, just be supportive and ask what you can do for her? Of course you don't have to give money if you don't want to, but doing something like preparing a meal, or baby-sitting could be helpful.

 

[Susan1]

I had a huge gut punch, when you talked about soap opera, not that kind of family, nice home middle class neighborhood,

It is a heartbreaking process to fill out WIC, Medicaid,

The reference to a "homemade gift" also hit hard - my sister gives homemade blankets, car seat covers, sweaters, jackets. To her it's better than store bought because she puts love in them.

And finally - the reason you started this thread was to ask about excessive ultrasounds and potential genetic defects. It appears from the comments and need for medication for kidney issues, that there was a reason for concern. I imagine many of us would have appreciated an update.

1. I was worried about people on here judging the situation as "it figures". I guess I watch too many local news stories about things that happen in the-not-so-nice neighborhoods in Dayton. (And thinking about how my ex-husband's daughter got pregnant at 16, and no one was surprised. She's had three kids by three different men, only one of whom was one of her three husbands she has had <you need a spreadsheet for that one!!!)

2. Considering I spent months trying to get MY extended Medicaid straightened out (lost online app, starting over, sitting on hold for hours, being told conflicting things every time, getting a wrong card and having to wait another month, having to go to a crappy dentist <fortunately, my lifelong doctor's office takes Medicaid>, heartbreaking is not a strong enough word. I sat here and cried plenty of times.

3. That the stepmother made all these things (in like the two weeks she knew about the baby coming) was a good thing. Where did you get the impression it wasn't.

4. Cousin didn't make a big deal out of it. Here's comes TMI - he's going to have a tube put you-know-where tomorrow to check things out. Fortunately he will be too young to remember!!!! (So, here's a question for moms of baby boys. Cousin said that he was circumsized. Why does that look spelled wrong? I know WAY less about that than I do about any other baby thing. And I didn't ask. Why do they do it? Or not? Will that help the kidney problem? (I haven't seen enough "men" to even know what the difference is and I'm not going to look it up online and get a bunch of porn invitations!!!!

 

[once_upon]

Circumcision is a very common procedure in the US, and most likely had nothing to do with the kidney issues. Not without it's controversy at the current environment. It probably has more to do with the traditions of Jewish and Christianity religions (reference A'bram and the promise God.

According to Genesis, God told Abraham to circumcise himself, his household and his slaves as an everlasting covenant in their flesh. Those who were not circumcised were to be 'cut off' from their people (Genesis 17:10-14).​

If the baby boy is not circumcised, parents are taught to pull the foreskin back and clean around the head of the penis usually once a day.

I hope that all goes well with the procedure tomorrow and they discover that any issues are easily treated.

 

[skategal]

You don't have to do anything for uncircumcised boys.

The foreskin will loosen on its own usually by age 5.

Please don't push anything back, it can be damaging to the child.

 

[Japanfan]

I am under the impression that circumcision without parental consent is no longer a standard procedure in Canadian hospitals, and assumed the same was true of the US? There has been considerable outrage about mandatory circumcision in recent years.

 

[Skittl1321]

Cousin said that he was circumsized. Why does that look spelled wrong? I know WAY less about that than I do about any other baby thing. And I didn't ask. Why do they do it? Or not? Will that help the kidney problem?

Are you sure they just didn't circumcise the baby by the mothers wishes? Although becoming less common it's still the vast majority of baby boys who have this done, without any real medical reason. (Well, that's argue able which is why it is so controversial)

She may have just been relaying that it happened.

 

[Susan1]

Circumcision is a very common procedure in the US, and most likely had nothing to do with the kidney issues. Not without it's controversy at the current environment. It probably has more to do with the traditions of Jewish and Christianity religions (reference A'bram and the promise God.

According to Genesis, God told Abraham to circumcise himself, his household and his slaves as an everlasting covenant in their flesh. Those who were not circumcised were to be 'cut off' from their people (Genesis 17:10-14).​

If the baby boy is not circumcised, parents are taught to pull the foreskin back and clean around the head of the penis usually once a day.

I hope that all goes well with the procedure tomorrow and they discover that any issues are easily treated.

O.k. - I just figured since they were both in the area of urination, and she had the circumcision sentence after the inflamed kidney sentence, so I connected them in my head. So no health reasons pro or con?

(With all the other stuff in the second email too, I had to ask her the weight and length!)

Neither of them have any experience with boy babies. I would guess the OB brought it up.

It's squicky to even think about. And I'm a girl.

And thanks for the spelling lesson. I couldn't figure out why it looked wrong!

 

[skategal]

You have to request it and pay for it out of pocket in Canada.

The norm is not to circumcise.

 

[TheGirlCanSkate]

It is not just done, you give permission and pay extra for it. If not done it will retract usually on it's own.

I think homemade baby things are the best. My friend made me a cradle for my daughter, it will become a family heirloom.

I hope his family stays in the picture, a child can not ever have too much love!

 

[taf2002]

Are you sure they just didn't circumcise the baby by the mothers wishes? Although becoming less common it's still the vast majority of baby boys who have this done, without any real medical reason. (Well, that's argue able which is why it is so controversial)

She may have just been relaying that it happened.

I read years ago that cervical cancer was very rare in Jewish women & it was surmised that Jewish men being circumsised was the probable reason. I don't know if that has since been disproved.

 

[Skittl1321]

I read years ago that cervical cancer was very rare in Jewish women & it was surmised that Jewish men being circumsised was the probable reason. I don't know if that has since been disproved.

There is also some evidence of lower HIV transmission. But that's debatable.

We were supposed to have a boy and were so torn what to do. The OB told us most people default to it but more people were choosing not to. I was having a hard time deciding be use all the information she gave me seemed like it was done only because of tradition and that seemed like a bad reason. (I'm in the US)

 

[maatTheViking]

In Denmark it is not common to circumcise. We did not do it, in the US it is starting to be regional. I the Seattle area it is 50/50. We worried about reduced sensitivity as an adult, and the fact that my husband isn't circumcised (in Denmark, typically only Jewish and Muslim boys get cut), so for us the natural choice was to not circumcise.

And yes, our pediatrician tells us to leave it alone to get loose itself. No need to clean under it until they are old enough to do so them selves (at which point you should pull back and clean every time you bathe, adults should do so every day in the shower)

 

[alchemy void]

In my vast experience with penis , I don't have a preference (I'm circumcised myself). Initially I don't even really notice.

I have heard that uncircumcised guys can *feel* more sensations. Naturally I find that possibility intriguing. But perhaps that's a penis myth.

I don't know that the health benefits are worth the procedure. If it were my boy, I wouldn't circumcise. Although I don't think it's too big of a deal...there's definitely a vocal anti-circumcision group, though.

 

[oleada]

I've been with both. and I kind of prefer cut guys. Mostly because the uncut ones got um, funkier, more easily. I don't know if more sensitivity is necessarily a good thing, from the female perspective.

I don't really care what people choose to do. My fiance is Jewish (I'm not) and I also don't have a penis, so if we ever have a son, I'll let him make the call.

 

[TheGirlCanSkate]

Let your son decide or his father? I figured my son could decide when he was an adult. I also decided to let my daughter decide about ear piercings when she was an adult. Neither has decided to be altered. I am glad they can choose, it's their bodies, their choice.

 

[oleada]

Let your son decide or his father? I figured my son could decide when he was an adult. I also decided to let my daughter decide about ear piercings when she was an adult. Neither has decided to be altered. I am glad they can choose, it's their bodies, their choice.

His father. I don't feel strongly either way. He may, given his background. I don't actually know, LOL.

I'm Hispanic. Any future baby girl will have her ears pierced and wear the same gold studs I did as a baby. This is the one issue I can't believe is a thing in the mommy boards. I don't feel scarred, altered or hurt by having my ears pierced as a newborn. My sister and I wore the same earrings and I think that it's sweet if any future girl does as well. If they don't like it, they can take always take it out.

 

[maatTheViking]

And if you stop wearing anything in your ears, the piercing will go away for most people. If I don't wear anything in my ears for a couple of months, I have to poke a bit to get anything in.

If I had a girl I don't think I would have pierced her ears as a baby, but I don't see anything wrong in doing it. I can't belive it is a thing either, @oleada

 

[skategal]

You just have to watch your baby girls ears closely if they are pierced.

There is a risk that the stud will a bit long and can scratch the side of the babies head while they sleep.

I wouldn't personally do it myself. If I had a daughter I'd rather she waited so that she could care for her ears herself but I don't think it is a huge deal either.

 

[Jimena]

I've never understood why circumcision and ear piercing are considered parallel in some places. Seriously, cutting the penis is not at all the same as piercing an ear.

I struggled mightily with the decision to pierce my daughter's ears. But I'm Latina, so my entire family kept asking about when I was going to get it done. I finally decided to do so when my daughter was 8 months old. I can tell you that I never had any issues with it once it was over. What I've read is that it's a lot easier and safer to have it done when the child is an infant as there's less risk of infection, etc. I don't know why.

If I'd had a boy, I wouldn't have circumcised him. That said, my oldest nephew wasn't circumcised and the tip hardened. They had to circumcise him when he was 8. It was awful for him. Both his sons were circumcised as newborns.

 

[TheGirlCanSkate]

His father. I don't feel strongly either way. He may, given his background. I don't actually know, LOL.

I'm Hispanic. Any future baby girl will have her ears pierced and wear the same gold studs I did as a baby. This is the one issue I can't believe is a thing in the mommy boards. I don't feel scarred, altered or hurt by having my ears pierced as a newborn. My sister and I wore the same earrings and I think that it's sweet if any future girl does as well. If they don't like it, they can take always take it out.

I'm hispanic too. I think it interesting that even with diamond studs, costume stuff that fits her intetests, that she has still not chosen to get it done. All but one of her friends had it done, some as infants others in elementary, and for others middle school. I have offered on many occasions as well. So im glad it was her choice and I respect her no thank you.