Aerobicidal
Shut that door.
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Ivana Komova’s interview with Nina Mozer for mulletfancy.ru:
IK: Congratulations on surviving another Olympics. I can’t imagine the mental strength you must have needed these last few months.
NM: I feel like I am in center core of onion. Every layer of protection has been one by one stripped away by evil forces, divine black powers attempting to destroy morale, punish innocent nation of Russia, and force humility onto people closest to me. I have spent many hours asking to God, “Why me? Why? Why me?” I know that He will find answer, that one day it will hit me like a blunt force blow to the leg straight from heaven.
IK: At the last minute, one of your most beloved skaters was barred from competing in PyeongChang. Does anyone know why?
NM: I believe that world is defined by struggle between good and evil. Today we see outrageous acts of liberalism in United States. Homosexuality and transgentrification have destroyed traditional lifestyle as God intended it. Biking superstar with zero to one testicle mastermind doping ring that prevent Russia from glory for decades. Because of cheating, Russia team take years to perfect clean victory strategy outlined in operation Glorious So Fresh Feeling. Results come in Sochi. Then awful Western nations claim all is due to magical injections to blood and urine given by folk witch Baba Yaga in hut next to Olympic training facility in Perm.
IK: But why were Stolbova and Bukin singled out among our skaters?
NM: This answer eluded me for many days. I consult magic billiard ball and it continue to say “the train don’t stop there.” I ask good friend Eteri Tutberidze what that means, but she has no idea although mention of train inspires her to change free program of Medvedeva to Anna Karenina with many train whistle symbolizing great theme of sacrifice. So when Evgenia wins Olympics, remember free skate is all because of me and my magic ball.
IK: But did you ever find out about Stolbova?
NM: I’m not sure. We try many balls, from billiard to Nerd to crystal to oysters of prairie, but nothing is revealed. Finally I ask tea leaves to form shape and I see the word “урок” which means “lesson.” However, I have astrologist originally from Zrenjanin who tell me that in his mother language the word “урок” actually means something like “evil eye.” It is superstition in Eastern Europe. And it remind me that death glare of Stolbova sometimes referred to on internet as “face of the bitch.” And this makes me know that someone in IOC mishear this phrase as “face of the witch” and hunt down Stolbova. It is historical pattern of hunting against magic woman we have seen throughout Christian era. Most memorable in classic U.S. film.
IK: The Crucible?
NM: No. I am referring to 1996 high school classic movie Witchcraft, although in Serbia it has released with title Bucks from Isthmia. Like main character in that film, Stolbova will return to glory in Milano—everyone will see that the bitch is back!
IK: I’m glad she and Fedor will skate again this season. Now, I want to ask you about the pairs events in PyeongChang.
NM: Yes, we must never forget Zabiiako and Enbert, who have most excitement on ice that one is allowed to have with one’s clothes on. And in fact they have flourish of change of clothes in free program to make even more excitement. They will have many successes in future. And of course there is Tarasova and Morosov, who also win team medal but cruel act of fate interfere with technical execution of “Candyman” and remove them from individual podium.
IK: Their “Candyman” program was fairly controversial with fans this season. Were you surprised by the criticism?
NM: Nothing surprises woman of faith like me. Geomancy and power of crystals creates path of artistic program invention for all my teams. My palm reader tell me last summer that I should install French candles in seance room to attract philosophical spirits visiting. In French, word for “candle” is “bougie,” which has meanings about class, dance, and nose refuse, depending on context. So we need second term, masculine term to fit into the feminine candle word and create balanced concept.
IK: Where does a woman like you find masculine inspiration?
NM: Good question, Ivana. As you know, I am most feminine person in competitive skating with possible exception of man from Belgium who skate awful iceberg cruise program in 2016. Man is mystery to me, but luckily I have Klimov as personal keeper of strapping virility. So I call him and ask what he is doing right at time, and he say he watch youtube video of woman in mask of hairy beast from Star Wars movie. This is Chew Tobacco, character who in Russia is interpreted as offensive Western stereotype of East German “women” in former Summer Olympics.
IK: The precursor to contemporary doping scandals, in many ways.
NM: Maybe or maybe not. Only God knows. But this character which is known as “Wookie” is also nickname Stolbova give to Fedor because after summer vacation he returns to rink more hirsute than wawkalak, traditional werewolf of Russia. And Ksenia say to him, “If you do not remove 85 percent of that hair, I will throw you into Siberian tiger cage of zoo where Nadezhda Srivastava was mauled nearly to death” with big laugh on her face.
IK: How exactly does this relate to skating programs?
NM: We now have divine balance! Bougie for woman and wookie for man—and this is clearly indicating need for boogie woogie program to Tarasova and Morosov. So we do google search for fun boogie woogie music and the rest is foretold in the cards. Then when we debut program, next morning I hear computer notifications distracting me as I was reaching for hair brush. Avalanche of comments flood onto Hotmail account and I know that we have done something memorable.
IK: Despite the critiques, Tarasova and Morosov had a strong season and could have won individual gold with a performance like the one they did at the Europeans in Moscow.
NM: It is divine plan. But I want to say to God, why do you keep go breaking my heart? World story of PyeongChang skating is ultimate satan. Homosexuals from USA offend Vice President of nation. More homosexuals come out of woodwork. One of them wins bronze in outrageous injustice. Then we hear many compliment of black woman from France who is not actually from France. Tiny Chinese people who have unfair aerodynamic advantage. And then of course there is Old Aljona, finally achieve gold medal after bribing German authorities to make oaf of partner citizen.
IK: The last time I interviewed you, Aljona and many of her fans wrote negative responses to you on Facebook.
NM: They did, but it washes over me like unholy water. Look, I’m still standing. I am not candle easily blown out by wind. In fact, it is only because that interview that Aljona has this gold. She realized how old she had become, years of suffering ruined her bones, her joints, her body. She suffered as child in weak, feminine nation of Ukraine. She made partner suffer when, years after Out of Africa program, she enacted title by leaving him. She suffered when her good friend Tatiana Volosozhar annihilated her in Sochi. After my words, she realize there no reason to attempt quad. Instead they steal program concept from godless homosexual ice dance team of France and hire spiritual team of faith healers, same ones who work with Hao Zhang and Benjamin Button, to advocate gods of youthfulness.
IK: So, Aljona should be thanking you?
NM: I do not expect thanks. Circle of life will return goodness to me someday.
IK: In the two remaining Olympic events, how do you think the OAR skaters will do?
NM: Look to stars. Look to tarot. Time has told me all answers. So it shall be written: three medals, one of each color. Tiny dancers, blue eyes, and rocket man Soloviev—we will watch future unfold.
IK: And what about your future? There have been rumors you’d retire after these Olympics, that you would have even been happy retiring after Sochi.
NM: This has always been my aura. Mysteries, gossips, and lies swirl about around and upon. Chosen people like me are part of bigger plan. I have fought against devilish forces intent upon crushing our nation, our masculinity, our flag, and “Candyman” program. Skating journalism has been one stop shop for misinformation—it will take act of quad to stop these rakers of muck to steal, borrow, and lease my words, twist them three or four times and drop them like . . . whatever object is dropped in God’s divine plan. All will be revealed in time.
IK: Congratulations on surviving another Olympics. I can’t imagine the mental strength you must have needed these last few months.
NM: I feel like I am in center core of onion. Every layer of protection has been one by one stripped away by evil forces, divine black powers attempting to destroy morale, punish innocent nation of Russia, and force humility onto people closest to me. I have spent many hours asking to God, “Why me? Why? Why me?” I know that He will find answer, that one day it will hit me like a blunt force blow to the leg straight from heaven.
IK: At the last minute, one of your most beloved skaters was barred from competing in PyeongChang. Does anyone know why?
NM: I believe that world is defined by struggle between good and evil. Today we see outrageous acts of liberalism in United States. Homosexuality and transgentrification have destroyed traditional lifestyle as God intended it. Biking superstar with zero to one testicle mastermind doping ring that prevent Russia from glory for decades. Because of cheating, Russia team take years to perfect clean victory strategy outlined in operation Glorious So Fresh Feeling. Results come in Sochi. Then awful Western nations claim all is due to magical injections to blood and urine given by folk witch Baba Yaga in hut next to Olympic training facility in Perm.
IK: But why were Stolbova and Bukin singled out among our skaters?
NM: This answer eluded me for many days. I consult magic billiard ball and it continue to say “the train don’t stop there.” I ask good friend Eteri Tutberidze what that means, but she has no idea although mention of train inspires her to change free program of Medvedeva to Anna Karenina with many train whistle symbolizing great theme of sacrifice. So when Evgenia wins Olympics, remember free skate is all because of me and my magic ball.
IK: But did you ever find out about Stolbova?
NM: I’m not sure. We try many balls, from billiard to Nerd to crystal to oysters of prairie, but nothing is revealed. Finally I ask tea leaves to form shape and I see the word “урок” which means “lesson.” However, I have astrologist originally from Zrenjanin who tell me that in his mother language the word “урок” actually means something like “evil eye.” It is superstition in Eastern Europe. And it remind me that death glare of Stolbova sometimes referred to on internet as “face of the bitch.” And this makes me know that someone in IOC mishear this phrase as “face of the witch” and hunt down Stolbova. It is historical pattern of hunting against magic woman we have seen throughout Christian era. Most memorable in classic U.S. film.
IK: The Crucible?
NM: No. I am referring to 1996 high school classic movie Witchcraft, although in Serbia it has released with title Bucks from Isthmia. Like main character in that film, Stolbova will return to glory in Milano—everyone will see that the bitch is back!
IK: I’m glad she and Fedor will skate again this season. Now, I want to ask you about the pairs events in PyeongChang.
NM: Yes, we must never forget Zabiiako and Enbert, who have most excitement on ice that one is allowed to have with one’s clothes on. And in fact they have flourish of change of clothes in free program to make even more excitement. They will have many successes in future. And of course there is Tarasova and Morosov, who also win team medal but cruel act of fate interfere with technical execution of “Candyman” and remove them from individual podium.
IK: Their “Candyman” program was fairly controversial with fans this season. Were you surprised by the criticism?
NM: Nothing surprises woman of faith like me. Geomancy and power of crystals creates path of artistic program invention for all my teams. My palm reader tell me last summer that I should install French candles in seance room to attract philosophical spirits visiting. In French, word for “candle” is “bougie,” which has meanings about class, dance, and nose refuse, depending on context. So we need second term, masculine term to fit into the feminine candle word and create balanced concept.
IK: Where does a woman like you find masculine inspiration?
NM: Good question, Ivana. As you know, I am most feminine person in competitive skating with possible exception of man from Belgium who skate awful iceberg cruise program in 2016. Man is mystery to me, but luckily I have Klimov as personal keeper of strapping virility. So I call him and ask what he is doing right at time, and he say he watch youtube video of woman in mask of hairy beast from Star Wars movie. This is Chew Tobacco, character who in Russia is interpreted as offensive Western stereotype of East German “women” in former Summer Olympics.
IK: The precursor to contemporary doping scandals, in many ways.
NM: Maybe or maybe not. Only God knows. But this character which is known as “Wookie” is also nickname Stolbova give to Fedor because after summer vacation he returns to rink more hirsute than wawkalak, traditional werewolf of Russia. And Ksenia say to him, “If you do not remove 85 percent of that hair, I will throw you into Siberian tiger cage of zoo where Nadezhda Srivastava was mauled nearly to death” with big laugh on her face.
IK: How exactly does this relate to skating programs?
NM: We now have divine balance! Bougie for woman and wookie for man—and this is clearly indicating need for boogie woogie program to Tarasova and Morosov. So we do google search for fun boogie woogie music and the rest is foretold in the cards. Then when we debut program, next morning I hear computer notifications distracting me as I was reaching for hair brush. Avalanche of comments flood onto Hotmail account and I know that we have done something memorable.
IK: Despite the critiques, Tarasova and Morosov had a strong season and could have won individual gold with a performance like the one they did at the Europeans in Moscow.
NM: It is divine plan. But I want to say to God, why do you keep go breaking my heart? World story of PyeongChang skating is ultimate satan. Homosexuals from USA offend Vice President of nation. More homosexuals come out of woodwork. One of them wins bronze in outrageous injustice. Then we hear many compliment of black woman from France who is not actually from France. Tiny Chinese people who have unfair aerodynamic advantage. And then of course there is Old Aljona, finally achieve gold medal after bribing German authorities to make oaf of partner citizen.
IK: The last time I interviewed you, Aljona and many of her fans wrote negative responses to you on Facebook.
NM: They did, but it washes over me like unholy water. Look, I’m still standing. I am not candle easily blown out by wind. In fact, it is only because that interview that Aljona has this gold. She realized how old she had become, years of suffering ruined her bones, her joints, her body. She suffered as child in weak, feminine nation of Ukraine. She made partner suffer when, years after Out of Africa program, she enacted title by leaving him. She suffered when her good friend Tatiana Volosozhar annihilated her in Sochi. After my words, she realize there no reason to attempt quad. Instead they steal program concept from godless homosexual ice dance team of France and hire spiritual team of faith healers, same ones who work with Hao Zhang and Benjamin Button, to advocate gods of youthfulness.
IK: So, Aljona should be thanking you?
NM: I do not expect thanks. Circle of life will return goodness to me someday.
IK: In the two remaining Olympic events, how do you think the OAR skaters will do?
NM: Look to stars. Look to tarot. Time has told me all answers. So it shall be written: three medals, one of each color. Tiny dancers, blue eyes, and rocket man Soloviev—we will watch future unfold.
IK: And what about your future? There have been rumors you’d retire after these Olympics, that you would have even been happy retiring after Sochi.
NM: This has always been my aura. Mysteries, gossips, and lies swirl about around and upon. Chosen people like me are part of bigger plan. I have fought against devilish forces intent upon crushing our nation, our masculinity, our flag, and “Candyman” program. Skating journalism has been one stop shop for misinformation—it will take act of quad to stop these rakers of muck to steal, borrow, and lease my words, twist them three or four times and drop them like . . . whatever object is dropped in God’s divine plan. All will be revealed in time.
Maybe Mozer should take a break and go on tour with her lookalike Elton....
By choosing those devilish Aguilera lyrics, you wuz tempting the Skate Gods. I mean seriously, that's NOT an Olympic-worthy program. You guys stubbornly trotted it out there once too often. Now we know why bland Z/E were chosen to skate their WTF costume-changing fp in the team event. 
Peter must have worked only on their classical programs, but gave up trying to get these two to show some sex, like he always did with every move he made. 
Ivana!
