Nina Mozer: "Without mayonnaise a salad is worth less than an unmarried woman who has broken her sexual dam."


Shut that door.
Ivana Komova’s interview with Nina Mozer for

IK: So much has happened since the last time we talked. You retired, then returned to skating events but avoided the kiss and cry, then returned again, and now you’re launching a line of ponchos and oversized eyeglass frames in collaboration with famed Russian designer Oksana 2020.

NM: Yes, well as you know big boned Russian sturdy woman like Nina lack speed fibers of Asians. It is God’s way of telling me, may not be able to become athlete but can coach and use my special fibers of the fashion to create easy to wear beauty products for others.

IK: Last year, Ksenia Stolbova left her partnership with Fedor and has two new partners, one romantic and one on ice. Why the switch and what will it be like having your skaters compete against Stolbova?

NM: I remember standing by the boards at the Korean games, watching same group of evil North Koreans whom Canada pay thousands of dollars to ensure victory of Virtue and Moir. When cameras rolled they pretend to cheer for North Korea pair, but behind scenes they call Evgenia Tarasova “white demoness” and say they hope panties and all other things drop during “Man of the Candy” program. Tarasova was so upset she began huffing powerful chemicals and jar of Korean fermented cabbage but cabbage was tainted with dog meat and communist fibers. This made me consult the grounds of coffee at bottom of my Evening Shade coffee mug and this confirm it was all one conspiracy from IOC to harm Stolbova, harm Tarasova, and cause Papadakis nipple flash preventing chances of her prevail over coach mates. But the latter okay with me as I believe all men of France born with homosexual fibers and do not want on top of Olympic podium. Not that word “top” applies here anyway, according to my crystals.

IK: Why did the IOC also target Ivan Bukin?

NM: Only God knows. This morning I sit with Quantum Leap mug of hot tea and ask magic eight ball why of all people Meghan Duhamel is not targeted. She insult culture of Korea by saving dogs and insult all sense of fashion even though it is not her fault as ladies of Canada are of course born with bad hair fibers. She try different looks, but it this case I think it may be better to consult wig shop than tarot cards or low quality prairie province salon. Perhaps Bukin consider threat to crowd on moral ground due to transparent costumes and face and hair similarity to character of my third favorite video game of all time, Street Fighter 2.

IK: I still find it fascinating that you’re a longtime gamer. What are some of the titles you’ve been enjoying recently?

NM: Yes, like people of the Orient Ivana has been born with Nintendo fibers. I finish all content of Super Meat Boy in six hours, sometimes only with one hand while using other to take sip of chai from Small Wonder mug. This sound impossible for most but my hands and eyes given magical power by a guru I meet with in secret Russian religious facility. After last tune up from guru, I also become able to beat final boss in Mike Tyson Punch Out first try every time. Recently I have switched from Fortnite, now I have become obsession with Rhythm Heaven Fever, hot techno music and move busting ability combined in one perfect package. You know though that all time favorite game is definitely original NES Ice Hockey.

IK: If you could make a video game based on the life of Nina Mozer, super coach and style icon, what would it be like?

NM: Super Nina have cape made of poncho that allow flight, blocking attack, and style point generation. I partner with Emo Goth Trankov, who have ability to drink blood and use gel slicked hair to whip at enemies. We attack different international skating academies, overwhelm enemies with fashion and brutality. Soundtrack versions of all Tarasova and Morosov programs but performed by Muse with vocals by Julia Samoylova. Will it happen? Only God knows. But I predict become hottest seller for all platforms of 2022—Switch, Steam, Station of the Play.

IK: Will the final level be conquering Nikolai Morosov’s ice rink?

NM: I am so sick of the West and hypocrisy of views on Morosov. Like many Russian male he has been born with Lolita fibers and lady magnet fibers. Ksenia unlike his previous three wives is adult woman who can fend for self. She has same bitch fibers running through body as Tutberidze only Ksenia has not had enhancements on them yet. I have no wish of any negative for Ksenia, just that she never defeat Evgenia and Vladimir in competition. If that happens, I channel the ghost of Monserrat Caballé and my diva fibers turn on high volumes.

IK: Tell me about how preparations are going for the current season. Will your teams’ programs create as much of a stir this year?

NM: Only God knows. This year we see what has already been announced, put names on slips of paper into cauldron designed as part of Halloween witch costume to hold candy, set on fire and have seance so musical muses appear. In the pot we see many Lists of Schindler, more exposure of Western hypocrisy. It is okay for Jason Brown to perform this music just because he is born like all Jews with miserly fibers, but U.S. audience still say Domnina Australian savage program not “PC” because team not have fibers of darkness. I say do not give into this agenda of West, instead woman remain keeper of homestead flame and serve borscht in traditional tin. Am I wrong? A more intimate role of same sexes will lead to demise of universe. Just like with pairs skating. But only God knows.

IK: My final question—the one so many of Ivana’s readers are dying to know—is what are your favorite comfort foods (yum)?

NM: One must be olivier salad, as without mayonnaise a salad is worth less than an unmarried woman who has broken her sexual dam. Pasta as well but must have fat, perhaps creamy stroganoff with three preparations of white potatoes. Also can of minced ham with shredded beets heated served on toasted borodino bread, yummy yummy yummy put it in my tummy! Even better than herring under fur coat. Finally I must add anything is made better with a hint of horseradish.

IK: Thank you, Nina, and I wish your teams success and glory this season.

NM: Only God will decide.


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