Aerobicidal
Shut that door.
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Ivana Komova’s exclusive vital news emergency interview with Ilia Averbukh for boycottfrenzy.fsu:
Ivana Komova: I have been ignoring skating and relaxing at my favorite rejuvenation and cosmetic enhancement spa for over a month, but this is the kind of news that requires quality investigative journalism.
Ilia Averbukh: This is indeed a case whose narrative trajectory mirrors but also deconstructs the linearity of postmodern cultural drift. This afternoon, I was Putin on my headphones to hear responses to corrupt tragedy of international globalist conspiracy to prevent justifications for quality physical experiential unity through competition. The contradictory potential of sport reflects discourses associated with actualization, transcendental exculpation, and gestural articulation.
IK: Speaking of the latter, I heard a rumor that you have been in contact with Eteri Tutberidze within the last few hours.
IA: “Rumor has it . . .” If I had a ruble for every time I heard that particular triad of diction, I would be very rich and very deaf. But music is one of my first loves, as my global aesthetic partners in in/appropriation know. Nina Mozer knows.
IK: May I ask about the content of your conversation with Tutberidze?
IA: You can, but first I must explain a central metaphor in the academic field of post-cultural studies. The semiotic framing of comparative discursive modalities applies allegorical critique. It is a form of response I intend to incorporate into future choreographic spectaculars.
IK: And the critique?
IA: Once upon an epoch, there was a man. We call him the man of the candy. But this man was not physically composed of pieces of sweet goodness; instead, he give out many candy to children of small village near Zheleznodorozhny. He arrive one day in white conversion van and throw foil wrapped goodies to all child in village. So, few months later, local music teachers sees that 100 percent of students has perfect pitch, can play hardest Chopin pieces at any speed with perfect realization of phrasing and all other aspects, and have composed modern classical symphony 300 times better than any works of Phillip Gas or even Edvin Marton!
IK: So the village becomes musical capital of Russia?
IA: You know the story! So children of village compose beautiful song called “One Stop Panty Shop Drop” and submit to Eurovision Junior competition. Just before final event, evil panel of European TV officials says that children have broken rules because candy has made them happy and inspired and only horrible angst singing from angry countries like Monaco and San Marino are allowed to be performed by music children in competition.
IK: This would make a fantastic basis for a figure skating program!
IA: Perhaps, but now is not the time for the illiteral. Subtlety and nuance have their place in all normative constructions of artistic narrative, but crisis calls for displacement. This is a case Edward Munch would call “The Face of the Scream.” The scream of the rictus of terror. It is explicitly literal and literally explicit. The synchronicity evokes the sociohistorical symmetry of dialectic material thought.
IK: And this is, I assume, the philosophical justification for a new free program for Medvedeva?
IA: To be exact! I do not want to give away all mystery and surprise, but you will see a story on the ice. Last season, we comment brilliantly on tragedy of United States. This season, current long program—which was, of course, not made by me—still has opportunity to be read as a political commentary: whistle of train is evil governmental conglomerates of the West saying to Putin and to Russia, “Putin, you in danger girl!” Medvedeva heed warning and retreat into historical story of Anna Karenina; comfort of escape through literature of great past Russian author functions as subversion of modernity and removal from hegemonic struggle for contemporary geopolitical significance.
IK: I never thought of it that way.
IA: This interpretation actually first suggested by Nina Mozer for program in which Tarasova skate as train and Morosov skate as conductor. Music would be techno remix of “Last Train to Clarksville” sandwich between “C’Mon N’ Ride It (The Train)” by DJ of the Four Metropolitan Areas.
IK: I know we’re running out of time, but can you give a little preview of Medvedeva’s future program?
IA: All day ideas rush into my mind like injustice coursing through minds of evil members of IOC. I start, naturally, with gestures: dirty money exchanged between hands of wicked officials, athletes from actual doper countries like USA injecting selves with illicitness and moving at extreme speeds before collapsing into rage of the roids, scratch marks and urine sample rearrangements. Voiceovers include screams of enraged figure skating fans: “Janny must defeat all now!” and “I will boycott the Olympics except for the events I want to see!” Interview snips of famous historical cheaters like Arm Lancestrong, Scandal of the Black Sock, and woman who pretend to win Boston marathon when actually spend many miles in subway car. Sounds of scratching, tampering, urine sample collection, splashing, crashing, screeching, slashing, and perhaps crunching.
IK: And the music?
IA: History of Russia, 25 clips to honor founding of modern state on December 25, 1991. Rimsky-Korsakov, t.A.T.u., Alexander Borodin, and of course Buranovskiye Babushki. Many more surprises—you will see the unveiling of a historically vital aesthetic celebration of clean athleticism!
IK: I cannot wait to watch from the bar at my salon, drinking a Stolichnaya and champagne cocktail.
Ivana Komova: I have been ignoring skating and relaxing at my favorite rejuvenation and cosmetic enhancement spa for over a month, but this is the kind of news that requires quality investigative journalism.
Ilia Averbukh: This is indeed a case whose narrative trajectory mirrors but also deconstructs the linearity of postmodern cultural drift. This afternoon, I was Putin on my headphones to hear responses to corrupt tragedy of international globalist conspiracy to prevent justifications for quality physical experiential unity through competition. The contradictory potential of sport reflects discourses associated with actualization, transcendental exculpation, and gestural articulation.
IK: Speaking of the latter, I heard a rumor that you have been in contact with Eteri Tutberidze within the last few hours.
IA: “Rumor has it . . .” If I had a ruble for every time I heard that particular triad of diction, I would be very rich and very deaf. But music is one of my first loves, as my global aesthetic partners in in/appropriation know. Nina Mozer knows.
IK: May I ask about the content of your conversation with Tutberidze?
IA: You can, but first I must explain a central metaphor in the academic field of post-cultural studies. The semiotic framing of comparative discursive modalities applies allegorical critique. It is a form of response I intend to incorporate into future choreographic spectaculars.
IK: And the critique?
IA: Once upon an epoch, there was a man. We call him the man of the candy. But this man was not physically composed of pieces of sweet goodness; instead, he give out many candy to children of small village near Zheleznodorozhny. He arrive one day in white conversion van and throw foil wrapped goodies to all child in village. So, few months later, local music teachers sees that 100 percent of students has perfect pitch, can play hardest Chopin pieces at any speed with perfect realization of phrasing and all other aspects, and have composed modern classical symphony 300 times better than any works of Phillip Gas or even Edvin Marton!
IK: So the village becomes musical capital of Russia?
IA: You know the story! So children of village compose beautiful song called “One Stop Panty Shop Drop” and submit to Eurovision Junior competition. Just before final event, evil panel of European TV officials says that children have broken rules because candy has made them happy and inspired and only horrible angst singing from angry countries like Monaco and San Marino are allowed to be performed by music children in competition.
IK: This would make a fantastic basis for a figure skating program!
IA: Perhaps, but now is not the time for the illiteral. Subtlety and nuance have their place in all normative constructions of artistic narrative, but crisis calls for displacement. This is a case Edward Munch would call “The Face of the Scream.” The scream of the rictus of terror. It is explicitly literal and literally explicit. The synchronicity evokes the sociohistorical symmetry of dialectic material thought.
IK: And this is, I assume, the philosophical justification for a new free program for Medvedeva?
IA: To be exact! I do not want to give away all mystery and surprise, but you will see a story on the ice. Last season, we comment brilliantly on tragedy of United States. This season, current long program—which was, of course, not made by me—still has opportunity to be read as a political commentary: whistle of train is evil governmental conglomerates of the West saying to Putin and to Russia, “Putin, you in danger girl!” Medvedeva heed warning and retreat into historical story of Anna Karenina; comfort of escape through literature of great past Russian author functions as subversion of modernity and removal from hegemonic struggle for contemporary geopolitical significance.
IK: I never thought of it that way.
IA: This interpretation actually first suggested by Nina Mozer for program in which Tarasova skate as train and Morosov skate as conductor. Music would be techno remix of “Last Train to Clarksville” sandwich between “C’Mon N’ Ride It (The Train)” by DJ of the Four Metropolitan Areas.
IK: I know we’re running out of time, but can you give a little preview of Medvedeva’s future program?
IA: All day ideas rush into my mind like injustice coursing through minds of evil members of IOC. I start, naturally, with gestures: dirty money exchanged between hands of wicked officials, athletes from actual doper countries like USA injecting selves with illicitness and moving at extreme speeds before collapsing into rage of the roids, scratch marks and urine sample rearrangements. Voiceovers include screams of enraged figure skating fans: “Janny must defeat all now!” and “I will boycott the Olympics except for the events I want to see!” Interview snips of famous historical cheaters like Arm Lancestrong, Scandal of the Black Sock, and woman who pretend to win Boston marathon when actually spend many miles in subway car. Sounds of scratching, tampering, urine sample collection, splashing, crashing, screeching, slashing, and perhaps crunching.
IK: And the music?
IA: History of Russia, 25 clips to honor founding of modern state on December 25, 1991. Rimsky-Korsakov, t.A.T.u., Alexander Borodin, and of course Buranovskiye Babushki. Many more surprises—you will see the unveiling of a historically vital aesthetic celebration of clean athleticism!
IK: I cannot wait to watch from the bar at my salon, drinking a Stolichnaya and champagne cocktail.
Ivana.
I particularly loved the “I will boycott the Olympics except for the events I want to see!”.
