Losses You Have Successfully Grieved

[PeterG]

I am wondering about ways people have successfully dealt with losses that they have experienced in life. I'm hoping some of you will share your success stories. I found two articles through google which I quite like.

Coping with Grief and Loss: Understanding the Grieving Process

This article lists many types of losses, such as:

• Divorce or relationship breakup
• Loss of health
• Losing a job
• Loss of financial stability
• A miscarriage
• Retirement

• Death of a pet
• Loss of a cherished dream
• A loved one’s serious illness
• Loss of a friendship
• Loss of safety after a trauma
• Selling the family home

There is a "Myths and Facts About Grief" section which is well-written and a mention of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross' “five stages of grief.”

And I'm curious about thoughts you might have about the section, "Can antidepressants help grief?":

As a general rule, normal grief does not warrant the use of antidepressants. While medication may relieve some of the symptoms of grief, it cannot treat the cause, which is the loss itself. Furthermore, by numbing the pain that must be worked through eventually, antidepressants delay the mourning process.

A second article that I really liked is Grief and Loss. The coping with grief section stood out to me. It features a list which "may help you generate ideas about how to manage your feelings of grief":

•Talk to family or friends
•Seek counseling
•Read poetry or books
•Engage in social activities
•Exercise
•Eat healthy, good foods
•Seek spiritual support
•Take time to relax
•Join a support group
•Listen to music
•Be patient with yourself
•Let yourself feel grief

This is followed by another list which mentions ways to be of help to someone you know who is experiencing loss, which I also feel is worth looking at.

I've started this thread because my Mom passed away in May of 2014 and I sometimes have a few weeks where everything seems fine and normal and then I experience a few days of ache and really wanting her back. I'm a firm believer in "having a good cry", so it's not like I am holding in my grief. I guess I'm wondering when those days of the thought, "I want my Mom back!" will leave me and instead there will just be memories of happy times.

So if you have a story of successfully overcoming a loss (of any kind), I would appreciate your story of how you achieved success.

 

[once_upon]

I'm not sure that there is a successful overcoming of a loss. I think of major losses and healing as something like a surgical scar. When you first have surgery, the pain is intense. Deeply intense. Over time the wound heals or at least leaves scars, but sometimes weather or a scrape on the incision - something, causes the pain to return. It is short in length but still can be intense. Eventually, the scar remains - when you look at it, you remember the hurt, the pain but it is easier to let go in that moment.

Grief is like that - the initial event hurts so bad that you don't think you can go on. Deeply intense, Deeply intense. But your physical body needs things - food water sleep activity - you start to move back into a general routine. It still hurts, you still cry, you still remember the intense pain. Eventually a scar forms - but it is still part of you. Something jars it, something happens and it becomes the intense pain once a again. Over the years, it becomes less intense - but things like anniversaries or birthdays or even a sunny day trigger grief storms.

One of the best pieces of advice that I received after the death of a child - allow yourself one solid hour to do nothing but mourn - giving yourself permission to do everything else that needs to be done in the remaining 23 hours a day - knowing that you have one fully dedicated hour to do the intense mourning. That more than anything allowed me to go forward - not feeling like I was forgetting.

Eventually it becomes part of who you are. as one grief counselor said "I will quit griefing when my own heart beat has been stilled"

 

[Alixana]

((((@PeterG))) and ((((@once_upon )))) .. wish I had great wisdom to share that would help. My mom is 80 and once in awhile still talks about the child she lost in 1956 .. the grief shows itself in different ways after all these years but we can tell it's still a part of her. I still miss my granny deeply. She raised me and lived with me and her great grandkids till she died in 2001 at age 103. It left a huge hole in our lives and my kids and I were devastated. Fourteen years later, there are still times that the thought of her brings me to tears and I wish she was around to talk to but more often we talk about the good times and the funny stories (like the time she chased a 'suitor' out of her house with a cast iron frying pan in either hand)!

 

[Vagabond]

I guess I'm wondering when those days of the thought, "I want my Mom back!" will leave me and instead there will just be memories of happy times.

So if you have a story of successfully overcoming a loss (of any kind), I would appreciate your story of how you achieved success.

It really does take time to get over the loss of a parent, spouse, sibling, or child. There's no reason to expect getting over your grief within a year and a half, no matter what you do.

I remember well over a year (maybe two) after my father died, I was driving home from work when I heard a piece on All Things Considered by Martha Raddatz about volunteers who attended every funeral at Arlington National Cemetery to make sure that every person buried there had someone present and that if there was only a single friend or family member present, that mourner would have company. Since I grew up, I have very seldom burst into tears, but I did right then and there. I had to pull over and park until I stopped sobbing.

What helped me overcome my grief? Several things, but the most important was simply the passage of time. A friend of mine lost her younger brother (in his twenties at the time) within a couple of weeks after my father died, and just being able to talk with her and listen helped. Thinking about my father and all the things he had done for me and that we had done together helped. Thinking about how he might have enjoyed something I experienced -- a painting at the museum, a pecan roll, the snow on the San Gabriel Mountains after a storm -- all of these helped. It does get better, and there is no set schedule for when that will happen.

I did most of my grieving for my mother before she died. She had a long, progressive illness that slowly stripped most of her faculties away even though her face would brighten up even the very last time I came to see her. When she died, I had an immediate feeling of relief, only to have the sudden realization that I had invested so much of my energy into being a caregiver that I wasn't altogether sure who I was on the inside now that I was no longer a caregiver.

Several things have helped me this time around. One was coming up with an answer to my question about just who I was in terms of personality, interests, strengths I wanted to cultivate, and weaknesses I needed to recognize and try to deal with). Another was following the Jewish practice of going to morning minyan a few times a week and chanting kaddish. The morning service is a healing service, so I'm still going, even though my eleven months of official mourning are long past. The third is to follow some advice given to me by my brother's girlfriend, who is a psychiatric social worker: Do what makes you feel good.

I hope this helps. And feel free to send me a Private Message if you want a sympathetic ear (or eye).

 

[made_in_canada]

I can totally sympathize with how you feel, PeterG. My mom passed away June 2014 and it's been a complete rollercoaster. I started a course that included a lot of journaling and some mindful self-compassion techniques that really helped me. For awhile I was doing everything in my power to avoid my grief. But I've learned to accept where I am in the grieving process. Some days I just need to cry and that's okay. But it's also okay to enjoy events and experiences even if I wish she could share them with me. I miss my mom and certainly getting engaged and planning a wedding without her input is hard. It's hard watching my nieces and nephew grow up and knowing how much she would delight in the people they're becoming. But it is slowly getting easier. It's a process and I don't think it's ever completely finished.

 

[Japanfan]

I confess that I've been lucky for the most part when it comes to grief so far but don't think I know how to do it successfully. Losing my mom and dad did not cause me tremendous grief because I left home two months before turning 17 to attend university (had accelerated in school) and lived in different cities and countries ever since. So there wasn't that daily feeling of absence. I lost mom early - I was 33 - and the grief was subtle but prolonged. I still think of her often, and miss her a lot, and grieve the extra years I never had to spend time with her. As to dad, well he made it to 90 and we never had a warm, fuzzy relationship.

My worst experience of grief by far was the break-up of my first marriage, when I was 26. I did not cope well at all and pretty much fell to pieces. Then I got together with an older man, and he kind of patched me up together again like Humpty Dumpty. It took me about three years to recover from the break-up and the relationship had only been for four years.

I've grieved the loss of dear friends as well, and there is only more of that to come as we get older. And I've grieved the loss of cherished and beloved pets. When they've been older, it's been easier. The sudden loss of my last dog to cancer a few summers ago at eight years old was devastating. We got another puppy right away and though it didn't stop the grief, which went on for a good year, it did keep us busy and in the moment.

Within a year I had a scare of losing that puppy when he got lost for four days. We were out of town and had boarded him, and a freak accident resulted in him getting out of the boarder's house. I did not feel that I had the skills needed to cope with losing my pup and did not think I could bear it - the worst fear was not finding him alive or dead and worrying he might have been taken by an animal abuser. By some miracle or stroke of good fortune, my dog was returned to us unharmed. During those four days I had cause to wonder how parents cope with the death of a child or a child gone missing, and I gained no insight. There are the stories of those girls who have been kidnapped, imprisoned and abused for many years - how do their parents bear it and get on with their lives?

I agree with once_upon that grief leaves scars, and with Vagabond that time heals.

I do fear the loss of my husband. I would not know what to do with myself and would be severely lacking for companionship. When I think about it happening, I automatically conclude that I'd have to take up bridge or join Toastmasters - do things that get me out and around other people.

When one is grieving badly it is important to accept the sadness and let the process go on, but not always good to spend too much alone with oneself and one's thoughts/memories. I have a neighbor in this situation. He lost his partner - my dear friend - several years ago and spends all of his time alone in his apartment. He quit his job and has few friends. He is suicidal and I think it's just his dog that's keeping him alive. When he talks about how awful he is feeling all I can think of to say is get out and do things, get a hobby, be around people. But he doesn't like people or want to be around them, and isn't willing to pretend to like them. If he were to suicide soon, I would not be surprised.

I'll also say that IMO grieving the loss of a loved one is something to cherish because it means you experienced love with that person. If you don't have the grief it means you didn't have the love. And when it's a parent you don't grieve, there is another kind of grief - grief over the parent you never had.

 

[skateboy]

I've started this thread because my Mom passed away in May of 2014 and I sometimes have a few weeks where everything seems fine and normal and then I experience a few days of ache and really wanting her back. I'm a firm believer in "having a good cry", so it's not like I am holding in my grief. I guess I'm wondering when those days of the thought, "I want my Mom back!" will leave me and instead there will just be memories of happy times.

I'm so sorry for your loss, PeterG.

I lost my father when I was quite young (he was a victim of homicide) and it's been almost 14 years since my mother passed, from a terminal illness. There will likely always be times when you feel that ache and "want your Mom back," but I do think that, as time passes, we can train ourselves to think more of the happy times rather than the grief. This will sound cliche, but I also remind myself that neither one of my parents would want me to suffer because of them. It helps me to think of that as well.

Grief is one thing; depression is another. From your description, it doesn't sound as if you are suffering from depression but, if you think you might be and want to talk, I know there are many friends here on this forum who would be happy to be a sounding board for you. And I am one of them.

Sending you strength.

 

[aftershocks]

Here are some books which you might find helpful @PeterG:

Grieving Mindfully, by Sameet M. Kumar, Ph.D.
http://www.amazon.com/Grieving-Mindfully-Compassionate-Spiritual-Coping/dp/1572244011

The Sacred Path Beyond Trauma, by Ellen B. MacFarland, Ph.D.
http://www.amazon.com/Sacred-Path-B...sr=1-1&keywords=The+Sacred+Path+Beyond+Trauma

Also, some suggestions at these websites:
http://www.recover-from-grief.com/grief-and-loss-books.html

http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/emotionalhealth/Pages/Dealingwithloss.aspx


In addition, there's a poignant and inspirational video of VP Biden consoling military families re loss of their loved ones (Biden shares his experience of losing his first wife and baby daughter in a car crash, which nearly also took the lives of his two young sons who ultimately survived). He spoke about the fact of really never getting over losses but of learning how to cope, and of coming to a place where the memory of those you've lost brings you joy rather than sadness. The video was taped and aired I believe a year or so before the recent death of Biden's older son from cancer.

Writing out your feelings and abiding with and accepting how you feel is important. Also finding a way to share with others, and to do something creative in honor of your loved one that may help you transcend their loss, with the knowledge they will always remain with you.

Make your wound your bow. -- Edmund Wilson

 

[PDilemma]

I lost my dad 12 days ago.

That's all I have to say about it right now. I certainly don't know how to cope yet or how long it takes or anything you asked. But I appreciate the thread.

 

[Japanfan]

{{{PDilemma}}}} So sorry and I hope your dad passed on peacefully.

 

[AxelAnnie]

I lost my dad 12 days ago.

That's all I have to say about it right now. I certainly don't know how to cope yet or how long it takes or anything you asked. But I appreciate the thread.

Sending sympathy and prayers.

 

[AxelAnnie]

I find the title to be an oxymoron. I don't there is a "successful" way to grieve. Synonyms are "Victorious" and "Triumphant". Grief is not something you can win at, be successful at, shorten, lighten or anything else. You just have to get through it....one day at a time....and sometimes one second at a time. There is always a place in your heart that is empty and sad. It gets less painful, less acute. The scar analogy is a really good one.

There are various things that help people...........but not one thing that helps everyone. Wish there was a pill or something.

 

[Wyliefan]

I'm so sorry for your loss, PDilemma.

PeterG, I saw this and thought of you -- hope it helps a little: https://www.washingtonpost.com/life...37ea08-5cc0-11e5-8e9e-dce8a2a2a679_story.html

You're both in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Coco]

This thread is amazing, thanks to everyone who is sharing their stories, and ((((love)))) to everyone who is grieving a loss.

I know what you mean by successful grieving, though. I would define it as finding ways to enjoy life without simultaneously denying your loss. It takes a long time. And it may never feel the same because of the knowledge and wisdom and perspective you gain through grief. You will be a different person.

I think when you lose a family member, or a member of a tight knit group, it is even more complex because everyone in the family / tight knit group who has survived has to get to that place before you can all have those joyful shared experiences together that you once had as a group. So you go through the loss both as an individual and as a family/group.

 

[Jay42]

My uncle passed away at the end of April as a result of dementia and congestive heart failure. He was 61 years old with Down Syndrome. Unfortunately as a result of the dementia he had forgotten my brother, myself and my dad. He remembered my dad for longer but he stopped recognizing my brother and I about 3 years ago. It was hard because he was there but I had started grieving because he didn't know me anymore. It was the only way I could really process what was happening. His passing was more closure for us. It his my grandparents harder but especially my grandpa because he also has dementia and processing any new information like that is getting increasingly harder for him.

 

[PeterG]

I'm not sure that there is a successful overcoming of a loss.

I'm leaning towards the belief that there is. Sometimes when people talk about a pain that never goes away...that has too much of a dramatics thing going on there. But I do feel that pain will never go away if you hold onto it with a vice grip.

Eventually a scar forms - but it is still part of you. Something jars it, something happens and it becomes the intense pain once a again. Over the years, it becomes less intense - but things like anniversaries or birthdays or even a sunny day trigger grief storms.

I don't feel a scar is a part of a person. Scars can disappear entirely. Although as I get older and get banged up (physically), it seems that the physical scars that result of an accident are taking much longer to disappear! As for being triggered, I think one gets triggered when they hold onto grief rather than doing whatever work is necessary to let go of that grief. Time passing might make it seem like the pain is gone, but if you haven't done the work, you'll get triggered because you haven't worked to let go of the grief inside of you.

One of the best pieces of advice that I received after the death of a child - allow yourself one solid hour to do nothing but mourn - giving yourself permission to do everything else that needs to be done in the remaining 23 hours a day - knowing that you have one fully dedicated hour to do the intense mourning. That more than anything allowed me to go forward - not feeling like I was forgetting.

That's a great piece of advice. Giving yourself a good chunk of time...and on a regular basis...to work through things so that you can move on.

Eventually it becomes part of who you are. as one grief counselor said "I will quit griefing when my own heart beat has been stilled"

That sounds to me like someone coming from a place of hopelessness. I'm seeing a lot of things people say as either coming from a place of hope...or from a place of hopefulness. I find words of people who are coming from a place of hope to be very helpful. Things said from a place of hopelessness...not helpful...


Going back to my original post, I wondered if I should have waited to post about the death of my Mom, I probably should have. With that being in the first post, this thread is focussing on death of a family member. That's why I included the list of other types of losses, I'm going to repeat it below because I found it interesting to look over and it helped me realize that there are many different types of losses that we experience. If anyone wishes to comment on any of these things, I'd like to hear about how you've moved in a positive direction after having experienced any of these kinds of losses...

• Divorce or relationship breakup

• Loss of health

• Losing a job

• Loss of financial stability

• A miscarriage

• Retirement

• Death of a pet
• Loss of a cherished dream
• A loved one’s serious illness
• Loss of a friendship
• Loss of safety after a trauma
• Selling the family home

 

[Oreo]

PeterG, I don't know if your mom was in hospice, but where I live they also treat the whole family. They're there to listen. My mom passed away last January, and hospice has always been available for me to call if I needed them. They periodically call me and send recommended titles of books, which basically say what all the posters here say. Everyone is different in how they cope and all feelings are valid. What works for me is to live a life all my parents/close friends/husband who have passed away would wish for me, and I in turn celebrate their lives.

 

[ballettmaus]

So sorry about your loss, PeterG and PDilemma!

I'm leaning towards the belief that there is. Sometimes when people talk about a pain that never goes away...that has too much of a dramatics thing going on there. But I do feel that pain will never go away if you hold onto it with a vice grip.

I think the pain goes away but the sense of loss not necessarily. It has been 10 years since my grandmother died and there are still situations when I miss her and wish she'd still be here or those "what would she think of that" moments. At the same time, I don't get gloomy on the day she died or her birthday, and there are a lot of times when my parents and I talk about her and what she would have said in certain situations and remembering her always makes us smile.
I think I will always find myself in situations in which I miss her but I also think that's normal. I loved her, and I think that people we love and who leave our lives, we miss.

 

[made_in_canada]

Going back to my original post, I wondered if I should have waited to post about the death of my Mom, I probably should have. With that being in the first post, this thread is focussing on death of a family member. That's why I included the list of other types of losses, I'm going to repeat it below because I found it interesting to look over and it helped me realize that there are many different types of losses that we experience. If anyone wishes to comment on any of these things, I'd like to hear about how you've moved in a positive direction after having experienced any of these kinds of losses...

For me, my grieving of my failed marriage was much messier. When I got divorced I had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be and so it was a long, painful, often process to recover from that. I really had nothing. No friends, not much support, no money. In many ways it was more complicated than grieving the loss off my mother. It certainly took more time. But it still was a process of self-exploration, learning to accept myself and where I was, and just a whole lot of time.

 

[Japanfan]

I've started this thread because my Mom passed away in May of 2014 and I sometimes have a few weeks where everything seems fine and normal and then I experience a few days of ache and really wanting her back. I'm a firm believer in "having a good cry", so it's not like I am holding in my grief. I guess I'm wondering when those days of the thought, "I want my Mom back!" will leave me and instead there will just be memories of happy times.

I meant to post my condolences above, then got lost in my own thoughts and memories. Sorry for your loss, Peter G.

 

[once_upon]

Peter - I think that we are on the same page, we just define things differently. My descriptions may not be the same but I think the goal is.

In terms of grieving being a part of life, like the gentleman described - he describes mourning as that extremely intense period what I think you are speaking about. He calls grieving as part of life's embroidery (where I referred to as a scar, not as pain, but just a part of you). Missing someone, wanting to talk to them - all the normal things in life.

If one is stuck in the extreme mourning period and can't move from there, the mourning/grief takes over their lives - that is not what I thought you were talking about - I thought you were defining successfully overcoming loss by never remembering or something like that.

I, as well as others, who have worked in grief circles believe that successful grieving means you will feel sad and miss someone/relationship/whatever and on occasion the intense feeling returns, however it is short lived maybe only a minute or two or slightly longer, but does fade

 

[Xela M]

I didn't want to post it because I thought my "loss" sounded pretty insignificant to all the tragedies suffered by people on this thread, but the most unbearable prolonged pain I have ever felt was due the breakup with the only man I have ever truly loved (funnily it was not my husband ).

I was 21 and training to be a solicitor and he was 12 years older and my supervisor in the law firm where I worked. It was no more than a short fling, but I fell absolutely madly (with emphasis on MAD!) in love. He was very handsome, highly intelligent, an absolutely brilliant lawyer and extraordinarily charming, but also a very very difficult person - broody, secretive, uncaring and downright cruel (ideal man, right? ). He did many awful things to me after he had his way and campaigned very hard for me to get fired (which VERY nearly happened). But to this day, I have never felt the same about any man. I literally would have done anything for him, which is so unlike me because I'm usually pretty cold and distant with men.

The pain he caused me was so extreme that it really felt like someone was cutting me with a knife. I couldn't function, and even though I had everything to live for, I simply could not bear living without him and I actually tried to kill myself by taking an overdose of sleeping pills (which no one aside from my best friend knows). The pills didn't kill me but caused temporary blindness, which was pretty scary. Anyway...

The way I got over it was to get married to the first good-looking "bad boy" I met and we had a daughter who thankfully inherited her dad's beautiful genes. Getting over *him* and making *him* jealous were my two main reasons for getting married (great start to any marriage ). I also changed companies and stopped all contact with him, which was much harder.

It worked to an extent because I got over my mad behaviour but I still think of him from time to time and subconsciously compare other men to him. He got in touch with me a few months ago after we hadn't spoken for over 7 years and my heart still skipped a beat.

It definitely gets MUCH easier with time, but I can't say I've been completely "cured".

As a side note, the only thing I felt after my marriage ended was relief.

 

[TheGirlCanSkate]

It took about 4 years to lose the daily pain after my mom died. Someone told me you can't ever wish for your old life back because it is gone. You now have a new normal. So the next three years have been in the new normal. I still cannot think of my mom without intense grief. I just have a really busy life and limit when I have time to reflect on that grief. I have warm memories of a nice coworker who passed away. I think of her occasionally and with fondness. I can't do that with my mom. Mother-daughter relationships, I think, are more complicated than that.

 

[AliasJohnDoe]

I know a pet doesn't compare to a human, but I still haven't gotten over the loss of my beagle after 2 and a half years. A day doesn't go by that I don't think of her. She was with me and there for me every day for 13 years. She was a friend and my only child. I still reach beside my computer chair to pet her, but she's not there. I get up early to let her out, but she's not there. But she's still in my dreams, which I'm grateful for.

It's strange to say I've successfully grieved the humans in my life, but not my dear beagle. I still miss her.

 

[personwhoishere]

I experienced a breakup a few weeks ago with a relationship that I thought was my forever. Some days I feel almost normal, some days I can't do anything without crying. I try to keep busy and productive. The day after it happened, I took the day off of work and by 11am I found myself wishing I hadn't because being alone with my thoughts was awful. I'm fortunate enough to have a select few people I can talk to about things, but it's difficult because my ex and I share most of our friends and I don't want any of them to have to take "sides". It's also not like I can just avoid him if I want to maintain these other friendships, so I'm not sure how that's going to work. I saw him over the weekend with that group and ended up sobbing on the sidewalk in NYC at 3am, so I'm definitely not "over it" yet. I'm just trying to get through each day as best as I can. I appreciate reading everyone else's stories in this thread, reminds me that things do get better

 

[PeterG]

I think the pain goes away but the sense of loss not necessarily. It has been 10 years since my grandmother died and there are still situations when I miss her and wish she'd still be here or those "what would she think of that" moments. At the same time, I don't get gloomy on the day she died or her birthday, and there are a lot of times when my parents and I talk about her and what she would have said in certain situations and remembering her always makes us smile.

I think I will always find myself in situations in which I miss her but I also think that's normal. I loved her, and I think that people we love and who leave our lives, we miss.

This to me is an example of success. I can see my family getting there. We might even be fairly close to that. My situation is interesting having five sisters...I'm definitely the most emotional one! I think that going through the emotions and letting go of pain so that the joy of having had something or someone positive in your life shines through brighter. But if people around you aren't able to process what they're going through, it's tougher to move forward as a group. Thank you for sharing your success story, @ballettmaus!

 

[Karina1974]

I had an experience very similar to yours, Xela, except that I didn't try to commit suicide, although I can remember standing in my kitchen with a knife in one hand so I did come pretty close to doing it - I ran off two days later to a folk festival, contra danced until 2:00 AM and slept in the back of my car in a farm field where the festival was being held, and I stayed single and now ID as an Ace. But I got involved with a man who is on the sociopath/narcissist spectrum. There were good things about that relationship as well as some bad (and a few downright ugly) things about it. It took me 9 years to put the pieces together, put my foot down (finally) and walk away from it two years ago this month.

It's the "good things" - and there were actually several good things, but it was the using me to cheat on his asexual girlfriend and not telling me, plus other stellar examples of compulsive lying, that I just couldn't seem to get past - that I still mentally wrestle with, that make me want to approach him and patch things up. And then I remind myself that it's impossible to have a congenial relationship with someone who is afraid of dealing with strong, outspoken women who don't kow tow to weak men who are threatened by women with a strong sense of self (even if he was the one who encouraged me to develop that side of myself I just wasn't "allowed" to use it on him). It would have been fine as a non-physically intimate, platonic friendship...

I didn't want to post it because I thought my "loss" sounded pretty insignificant to all the tragedies suffered by people on this thread, but the most unbearable prolonged pain I have ever felt was due the breakup with the only man I have ever truly loved (funnily it was not my husband ).

I was 21 and training to be a solicitor and he was 12 years older and my supervisor in the law firm where I worked. It was no more than a short fling, but I fell absolutely madly (with emphasis on MAD!) in love. He was very handsome, highly intelligent, an absolutely brilliant lawyer and extraordinarily charming, but also a very very difficult person - broody, secretive, uncaring and downright cruel (ideal man, right? ). He did many awful things to me after he had his way and campaigned very hard for me to get fired (which VERY nearly happened). But to this day, I have never felt the same about any man. I literally would have done anything for him, which is so unlike me because I'm usually pretty cold and distant with men.

The pain he caused me was so extreme that it really felt like someone was cutting me with a knife. I couldn't function, and even though I had everything to live for, I simply could not bear living without him and I actually tried to kill myself by taking an overdose of sleeping pills (which no one aside from my best friend knows). The pills didn't kill me but caused temporary blindness, which was pretty scary. Anyway...

The way I got over it was to get married to the first good-looking "bad boy" I met and we had a daughter who thankfully inherited her dad's beautiful genes. Getting over *him* and making *him* jealous were my two main reasons for getting married (great start to any marriage ). I also changed companies and stopped all contact with him, which was much harder.

It worked to an extent because I got over my mad behaviour but I still think of him from time to time and subconsciously compare other men to him. He got in touch with me a few months ago after we hadn't spoken for over 7 years and my heart still skipped a beat.

It definitely gets MUCH easier with time, but I can't say I've been completely "cured".

As a side note, the only thing I felt after my marriage ended was relief.

 

[Xela M]

I experienced a breakup a few weeks ago with a relationship that I thought was my forever. Some days I feel almost normal, some days I can't do anything without crying. I try to keep busy and productive. The day after it happened, I took the day off of work and by 11am I found myself wishing I hadn't because being alone with my thoughts was awful. I'm fortunate enough to have a select few people I can talk to about things, but it's difficult because my ex and I share most of our friends and I don't want any of them to have to take "sides". It's also not like I can just avoid him if I want to maintain these other friendships, so I'm not sure how that's going to work. I saw him over the weekend with that group and ended up sobbing on the sidewalk in NYC at 3am, so I'm definitely not "over it" yet. I'm just trying to get through each day as best as I can. I appreciate reading everyone else's stories in this thread, reminds me that things do get better

Ugh, I feel for you! I had to work with *him* for 4 years after he broke it off and I am even embarrassed to recall the levels of humiliation and madness I went to (at work of all places!) and the number of very public scenes we had, which absolutely everyone at the company (over two offices) was aware of and got involved in. My colleagues all strongly disliked him because he managed to do something awful to every one of them at one point or another (no one saw what I saw in him... heh) and sided with me mostly out of pity, which is as embarrassing as it can get.

Unfortunately, the only way to get over someone is to get under someone new (it's a cliché, but it's really true!)

I had an experience very similar to yours, Xela, except that I didn't try to commit suicide, although I can remember standing in my kitchen with a knife in one hand so I did come pretty close to doing it - I ran off two days later to a folk festival, contra danced until 2:00 AM and slept in the back of my car in a farm field where the festival was being held, and I stayed single and now ID as an Ace. But I got involved with a man who is on the sociopath/narcissist spectrum. There were good things about that relationship as well as some bad (and a few downright ugly) things about it. It took me 9 years to put the pieces together, put my foot down (finally) and walk away from it two years ago this month.

It's the "good things" - and there were actually several good things, but it was the using me to cheat on his asexual girlfriend and not telling me, plus other stellar examples of compulsive lying, that I just couldn't seem to get past - that I still mentally wrestle with, that make me want to approach him and patch things up. And then I remind myself that it's impossible to have a congenial relationship with someone who is afraid of dealing with strong, outspoken women who don't kow tow to weak men who are threatened by women with a strong sense of self (even if he was the one who encouraged me to develop that side of myself I just wasn't "allowed" to use it on him). It would have been fine as a non-physically intimate, platonic friendship...

I understand! *He* definitely had others too and he openly and very obviously arranged dates with secretaries, paralegals and female clients in front of me just for the fun of seeing me unhappy, whilst also taking complete advantage of my total devotion to him by making me work throughout the night and throughout the weekends for free (whilst he was out of the office). At the same time he was telling the senior partner how terrible I was to get me sacked.

One particular highlight was when *he* called a staff meeting on my day off with the senior partner of the firm present and produced a print out of all our text conversations during the time we were dating, during which we were discussing how negligently the firm was being run by the incompetent senior partner and what morons he mostly hired. (That went down very well with everyone as you can imagine). It was one crazy office

The rumour in our circle of friends was that *he*, in fact, preferred the company of men and lived with his boyfriend of many years (but to this day, I don't know whether that's true or not, all I know is that he shared a house with a gay man who he said was just a house mate).

He respected me a lot more after I got married and even started to be flirtatious again telling me to dump my husband for him. However, being platonic friends with someone you love doesn't work very well, so I had to completely cut him out of my life and turn over a new leaf.

I have heard he moved abroad, but if we met up again today I'm ashamed to say that I still would...

 

[aftershocks]

I don't think the pain ever really goes away, but the passage of time helps (sharing with and caring from others also helps). I lost my Dad unexpectedly when I was 18 and it was life-changing. There is no way to get over such a deep loss, but just to try and find your way through it. IOW, learn to live with the loss and try to grow from the experience. Easier said than done, of course.

I've lost wonderful pets, irreplaceable friends, a special brother-in-law, all very difficult experiences to get through. Thinking of all the good memories and unforgettable moments, what they gave me and how they remain a part of me is ultimately what matters. There are all kinds of losses too, as has already been mentioned and discussed (job loss, relationship break-ups, etc). We can all help each other through sharing.

Joan Didion wrote The Year of Magical Thinking, to help cope with, share, and overcome her grief after the simultaneous death of her husband and severe illness of her daughter:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Year_of_Magical_Thinking


After her mother's death, poet Elizabeth Bishop wrote about loss in this unique way:

One Art
Elizabeth Bishop, 1911 - 1979
The art of losing isn’t hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother’s watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.

—Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan’t have lied. It’s evident
the art of losing’s not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

 

[nguyhm]

My condolences to all your losses, especially to PDilemma whose loss was so recent. My heart goes out to all of you.
I lost my brother to the war several years ago, he was 21 and 7 years older than me. He was my protector and my favorite. At the time of his death I was devastated but being so young I accepted it as a "normal" process, we lived in a war torn country and the death of a soldier was part of life. I pictured him as strong and invincible, even to death... "He could handle it" - how naïve and ignorant of me. The year I turned 21 I then realized that I was at my brother's age when he passed away and that I was a scary young helpless girl, not a strong brave person that I pictured of him at 21, that he was probably also scared and helpless and the thought of him "not able to handle it" hit me really hard. IIRC the grieving steps that someone mentioned in one of the above posts list guilt as one of the steps and that's what I lived through my grieving process of his death. The pain subsides but I do mourn his loss and all the things that he missed out and I felt guilty that I have them and he didn't.
I don't think there are success stories for a grieving process, we move on and overcome the pain but it's not like reaching an ultimate goal because there's not one.
I also think that the level of pain that we feel is in relative with the amount of love/feelings that we have for the "subjects" that we lost. After my divorce I felt lost but there was also a sense of relief that from then on I could keep my kids in a better/safer environment. I think the amount of love that I had for my ex at that time has substantially diminished (and I'm sorry for sounding so heartless) from all the "bad" time leading to the divorce that there was not much pain to deal with. I felt more pain when I lost my job (soon after the divorce) thus my financial stability and it took me a lot longer to recover from those situations.
This is a great thread and I feel privileged to have been able to share and hear your stories.
I'm also a good listener and I'd be glad to lean an ear when needed.
Sending my best to all of you!