Losses You Have Successfully Grieved

[nguyhm]

I apologize for posting on here when I feel like I haven't "successfully grieved" yet. I could really use your prayers/thoughts this week. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my dad passing away and I think I am being more anxious about it then I ever thought I would.

I'm not sure why I feel this way - maybe it's because I feel like I lacked a lot with my relationship with my dad. Too many things to post here right now. Talking to someone at work isn't a good option. I feel like I could really use a hug. Or a cup of coffee. Or a really good glass of wine. Or a chance to talk about pretty much anything else (but then I guess I could use FSU for that ).

Sending you virtual/cyber hugs! I will keep you in my prayers. Best wishes to you.

 

[PDilemma]

I am very sorry to hear this PDilemma. It is very hard to lose a parent. It's such a close relationship! My condolences to you and your family.

Thank you. There are days that it doesn't even seem real yet. I am having a teary day today for no particular reason. It comes and goes.

 

[alj5]

There are days that it doesn't even seem real yet. I am having a teary day today for no particular reason. It comes and goes.

Yes. This will last a while. Some days are good, some days not good. Sometimes it's hour by hour, or minute by minute.


On a separate note, a friend posted this link on FB with a great article about how to be a good friend to someone going through grief.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/megan-devine/death-and-dying_b_4329830.html

 

[Japanfan]

I apologize for posting on here when I feel like I haven't "successfully grieved" yet. I could really use your prayers/thoughts this week. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my dad passing away and I think I am being more anxious about it then I ever thought I would.

I'm not sure why I feel this way - maybe it's because I feel like I lacked a lot with my relationship with my dad. Too many things to post here right now. Talking to someone at work isn't a good option. I feel like I could really use a hug. Or a cup of coffee. Or a really good glass of wine. Or a chance to talk about pretty much anything else (but then I guess I could use FSU for that ).

Sending you another virtual hug! Hope you enjoyed a wonderful cup of coffee or glass of special red wine today.

As mentioned earlier, I too lacked a lot in my relationship with my dad. I had a lot of grief before he died about losses and lost opportunities that were at least in part attributable to his inability to emotionally support me. That grief was stronger than the grief when he died, but he lived a goodly long life and didn't really appreciate any of that after my mom died.

But we all deal with the lost or lack aspect of relationships ended by a person's death differently, I suppose.

Learning to accept my dad for who he had been and to somewhat understand him, if not forgive him, were helpful.

Hope you are able to find a way to achieve closure, ilovepaydays.

 

[puglover]

Has anyone here lost a close relative/friend to murder or as the result of criminal activity? I have no idea how one would ever go on from that. I am not pro capital punishment but when I hear of the atrocities done to little children - I don't know.

 

[alj5]

Has anyone here lost a close relative/friend to murder or as the result of criminal activity? I have no idea how one would ever go on from that. I am not pro capital punishment but when I hear of the atrocities done to little children - I don't know.

A college cohort classmate's mom was killed by her drug dealer boyfriend the spring/summer before our cohort year. I remember her being conflicted when he took a plea deal - sure it was less "time" than was possible if it went to trial, but it also meant she didn't have to go through the drama of a trial.

She found solace in school (or so she said), but it cannot help but completely change you. But perhaps it's somewhat easier when her mom had been on and off drugs her entire life. She said something to the effect of being "surprised it hadn't happened already", so I assume difficult barely begins to describe her childhood.

I am against capital punishment in general. But being the mother of 5yr old twins, I am probably more likely to be outraged to the point of considering capital punishment for child-related offenses.

 

[Vash01]

Has anyone here lost a close relative/friend to murder or as the result of criminal activity? I have no idea how one would ever go on from that. I am not pro capital punishment but when I hear of the atrocities done to little children - I don't know.

I don't have direct experience, but one of my co-workers (RT) had lost his son to murder in the past. My co-worker was around 75 when I learned of this. He had moved past it by that time. I have no idea how long ago the murder took place, but I am guessing several years. His son had gotten into drugs, and he was shot and killed in a convenience store while trying to steal a pack of beer. RT said that he and his wife attended the court case. The killer got a 3-year sentence. I thought it was outrageous to get such a short punishment for murder. RT's son was not a threat to anyone. He was stealing, which was wrong, but the owner could have just called the cops, or simply yelled at him or just showed him the gun without firing it. I am sure the store had cameras so they could have caught him easily. Shooting him to kill was excessive.

In any case, RT said that his son got on the wrong path and this came to him as the result. RT is a wonderful man. He has clearly made peace with his son's murder, and moved on with his life. He seems to enjoy the work and his life in general. He said he tried retirement but got bored quickly, so he went back to work. He is in his late 70s now and it is inspiring for me to know someone like him.

 

[puglover]

One thing that was really brought home to me this week is how wrong it is to judge the depth of a person's grief by their outward show of emotion. We just recently had a tragic event happen in a town southwest of us. A young father was discovered deceased and his two year old daughter who he had shared custody of was missing. Immediately an Amber Alert was announced and pictures of this adorable cherub posted everywhere. Three cheers for nosy neighbours but someone had seen a white van with a flag speeding away from the father's house. The RCMP quickly found the van and traced it back to a local dry cleaner's son. During the vigil for Hailey they announced they had found her "remains". Now this was a very young couple - mother only now 20 - and living some hours away but by all accounts they had a good relationship and were both doing well by their daughter. Both of them did know the "suspect" from living in a small town. The mother gave an interview - under great duress, and the comments about her were dreadful. "She looks suspicious, she didn't cry enough, she didn't seem mad enough - on and on and on. My daughter thought she should never have spoken and had lawyers speak in her place??? I got rather tired of hearing "I would have..." How do any of us know how we would react in such an extremely terrible situation. I made my daughter watch one of the videos of Susan Smith who cried so hard her tears were splashing on the microphone and all over the interviewer. She was guilty. "In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eyes can't see".

 

[PeterG]

...I remember well over a year (maybe two) after my father died, I was driving home from work when I heard a piece on All Things Considered by Martha Raddatz about volunteers who attended every funeral at Arlington National Cemetery to make sure that every person buried there had someone present and that if there was only a single friend or family member present, that mourner would have company. Since I grew up, I have very seldom burst into tears, but I did right then and there. I had to pull over and park until I stopped sobbing.

What helped me overcome my grief? Several things, but the most important was simply the passage of time...

My guess is that the good cry you had was more beneficial to you than time passing. Letting go of the hurt, like you did, was an active step towards overcoming grief. I like hearing about things which help people release and thereby overcome their hurts. I will look and see if I can find this interview you mentioned. Hope I find it.

 

[Tinami Amori]

I am wondering about ways people have successfully dealt with losses that they have experienced in life.

"Successfully" is subjective, but these work for me......

Dealing with Loss of parent/grand-parents.

- Make sure you’re doing ALL you can for them while they are alive.

- when they close their eyes, arrange a very respectable funeral and take care of all the formalities, follow the will and their final requests

- execute their will promptly and fairly among other family members and intended recipients, give extra if you can, so that your parent/grand-parent is remembered kindly by others.

- while all this is happening and specially after, do NOT stop your work, studies, and all other required tasks. There is already a loss, let’s not have any more.

- make them proud and apply all you learned from them, use their wisdom for the rest of your life, and this way they will stay “alive” throughout your life.

- Take care of the grave always, and follow rituals of the cemetery even if you’re not religious.



Dealing with Loss of a pet.

- Make sure you gave them ALL they needed when they were alive.

- Let them go when they are ready, do not wait until they pass away in pain.

- Try to bring a vet to your house for the final process, or find good vet not far away.

- After they pass on, remove their beds, toys and other items. They don’t need them, and your heart is bleeding looking at them.

- while all this is happening and specially after, do NOT stop your work, studies, and all other required tasks. There is already a loss, let’s not have any more.

- Donate to animal rescue in the name of your pet, take another pet when ready.

- If not ready for another pet, offer to “host” or “foster”, if you can.

- After a while, put up a large foto of your former pet, and kiss his or her nose once in a while.


Loss associated with moving from town/city/country.

- You can miss old place, hate the new place, be depressed, feel hopeless and misplaced, but do NOT stop your work, studies, and all other required tasks. There is already a loss, let’s not have any more losses. It is a poor excuse to say “I failed because I don’t like geography or local culture”.


Loss of material/money/property/job/investment.

- Hooray! A new adventure all over again, getting it all back! If you can do it once, you can do it again…. Kind of a fun game, if you think about it.


An injury or health issue (that is not terminal or debilitating)

- Hooray! A new adventure, let’s see if you can ski or skate again with a plastic knee cap; or play piano if your dog bit off part of your finger; if there is a scar on your face from a car accident pretend you’re a pirate from Treasure Island or an escapee from a concentration camp or Devil’s Island.. Scars and injuries mean you had an interesting life.

 

[Vagabond]

I will look and see if I can find this interview you mentioned. Hope I find it.

I did look for it back in September, but it wasn't on the NPR website. It's from before NPR even had a website, probably 1993 or 1994, but maybe '92 or '95. I'd suggest you write (or e-mail) NPR and ask if they would consider posting it. Let me know if they do.

ETA: You might also read the section in Anna Karenina about

Spoiler

the death of Nikolai Levin.

 

[Marlowe]

It sounds to me, PeterG, that you are already doing a good job of mourning. Sometimes it takes much longer than we might expect to feel better - to let go. I struggled with the same thing when my mother died, and I think it was about 5 years before things felt right again. Everyone is on his own time table.
Just be patient with yourself. It isn't easy.

 

[topaz]

I agree with what Claire stated. I haven't shared this with the forum but I lost my daughter Raven on Feb. 19, 2012. She had turned 4 on Dec 22, 2011. My daughter was born and diagnosed with Ectodermal Dysplasia. Raven was diagnosed with AEC and her condition was moderate case. She did not have a clip palate but she did have skin erosions. For more info, http://nfed.org/index.php/about_ed/about-ectodermal-dysplasias

I had been giving her treatment for her body wounds for years and within the last year of her life the wounds were almost healed completely, except for a few just on her head. She had been infection free for 2 years and things were going great. But on Friday, Feb 17 she started vomiting and appeared in pain. I thought it was a stomach virus, I contacted her doctor and we nursed her at home. She got better(so I thought) early Saturday morning around 3am. Asked for water and I watched throughout the night. Around 7am she woke up, her complexion was moddled and I decided to take her to the emergency room. In the car she was sleepy and when we got to the hospital they attempted to give her IV fluids. They stated they were going to admit her. She started having breathing problems and the doctor stated they were going to her to allow her body to rest why giving IV meds. Right before they did this, Raven coded on the table. I was in the room with my mom and It seemed so surreal to me. I don't like to think about this time at all but she was on a ventilator for a day and then her organs started to shut down. Her body was septic and died on Feb, 19.

Raven was my only child. I have accepted that I will never get over this. I did blame myself in the beginning but I know that God for some reason chose not to reveal Raven's sickness to me earlier, as he had done previously with other infections. I have learned to live with her lost and I do take some relief knowing that she is with God. I know some on the forum are atheist and agnostic but for me personally, my spiritual faith continues to get me through this process. Some days are better than others and some days are not. I think about her several times a day, everyday. I try not to wallow in sadness for too long because I know other people have suffered worse than me.

Her life and death have changed me forever. I do not take things so seriously as I use to. Day to day life struggles like money issues or job issues don't stress me out really.

I am generally a positive person and I try to let my "light shine" for everyone to see.

 

[crzesk8dad]

...Her life and death have changed me forever. I do not take things so seriously as I use to. Day to day life struggles like money issues or job issues don't stress me out really.

I am generally a positive person and I try to let my "light shine" for everyone to see.

God Bless, you, Topaz. Losing a child is not easy, I am sure, and something I hope that I never have to deal with. Your story tells us all that most things in life really don't matter, what does matter are those people whom you love. We all need to keep that in mind, each and every day.

Thank you for being so brave as to share it.

 

[quartz]

(((Topaz))) I am so very sorry to hear your story. My thoughts are with you.

 

[judiz]

{{{Topaz}}}

 

[once_upon]

Topaz, if you remember the hug I gave you at SKAM - think about it being 100 x's stronger now. You and your mom are incredible people.

 

[agalisgv]

My condolences on your loss, topaz. Sometimes there just are no words. Thank you for sharing your testimony--may you feel God's grace surround and envelope you each and every day.

 

[pingu]

I don't know about "successfully" grieving, as I think anyone has a different way to cope with difficulties in life. What I have learned in these past five months without my mom is to allowing me to do anything I feel like doing. If I feel like going out, I will. If I feel like staying alone or just go for a long walk instead of going for out with my friends, that's what I am going to do. I am not trying to force myself to do anything I don't feel like doing (yeah well, except for going to work, of course! ).
Mom always used to say that it's ok to be sad and to cry, but that after a good cry you have to move on with our life an live the rest of your day normally Also, whenever I am happy or laugh I think of how much she loved to see her kids being happy! People said we had the same loud laugh, and also very similar characters, so since she has passed away I see herself in how I behave. I also often think of what she would have said or done...including scolding us for not doing something or doing it wrong, lol.
Another thing I have learned is to be more selfish, take more care of myself and talk with my friends about my mom whenever I feel like doing it.
I think I am doing pretty well so far, I think of this moment of my life as a chance to take better care of myself and to become a more mature person
A cool thing I have learned is that losing your mom is probably one of the worst things that can happen in your life, so I became more brave in many aspects of my life. I often think "yeah well I chose my mom's grave, this is going to be a walk in the park!!" in situations that one year ago would make me think "omg I cannot do this".

 

[topaz]

Mom always used to say that it's ok to be sad and to cry, but that after a good cry you have to move on with our life an live the rest of your day normally
I think I am doing pretty well so far, I think of this moment of my life as a chance to take better care of myself and to become a more mature person
A cool thing I have learned is that losing your mom is probably one of the worst things that can happen in your life, so I became more brave in many aspects of my life. I often think "yeah well I chose my mom's grave, this is going to be a walk in the park!!" in situations that one year ago would make me think "omg I cannot do this".

I wholeheartedly agree. I started a new job recently and I am really starting to hate it. I do my best but if I get fired.. I get fired. I can collect unemployment. I can always pull from my 401k or take a loan out from my 401k if my savings get really slim. I feel fortunate to have these options but I'm not stressing about the job. I feel I've gone through just about the hardest thing I can go through in this life and I'm still here

Thanks to everyone for their warm and heartfelt condolences and hugs.

 

[clairecloutier]

I'm so very sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter, @topaz. I can't imagine what you have gone through. My thoughts are with you, and her.

 

[Vash01]

(((Topaz))) I don't know what to say. I can't imagine the pain you must feel, but I send you my hugs. Thank you for sharing.

 

[Japanfan]

I'm so sorry Topaz. You put up a good fight for your daughter and did everything you could. Even if you never get over your loss, hopefully time will at the least make it easier to bear. I hope your job goes well - you really deserve a break.

 

[lise]

I am so sorry for your loss Topaz. I can't imagine the grief you are/must have gone through. Hugs.

 

[overedge]

((topaz)) Thank you for sharing your story.

 

[Twilight1]

I am a huge advocate for Acceptance & Commitment Therapy to aid with grief and loss. I also support anti depressants/ anxiety meds if it helps for the short term. No one's journey to grief/loss is the same.

I lost my dad about 4.5 years ago. He was in ICU and I held his hand when he passed. Literally the worst day of my life. The key thing for me was having support around me, my aunt and my husband were pivotal in helping me heal. I still cry watching dad and daughter segments on shows but I feel grateful that I had such an amazing father. I learned so much from him and I carry his values forward.

 

[aftershocks]

Helpful article about the physical stresses of grieving:

http://connect.legacy.com/inspire/page/show?id=1984035:Page:2521

 

[AndyWarhol]

I lost my father when I was 13, and a brother when I was 23.

My dad had been mostly absent from my life (divorced, remarried with new family etc) and it shocked me how much it hurt when he died (he was killed in a place crash). I don't remember grieving at all, I tried to just get on with life, skating, school etc, which of course call backfired later in my later teens and early 20s when I had to deal with it. My brother died of HIV/AIDS, so in a way his death was a relief, he was no longer in pain. The last couple of years really were a struggle for him. I allowed myself more time to grieve than with my fathers death. I remember I sat on a couch for a week, just staring into space, listening to the same song on repeat.

It's been 19 and 9 years, and of the two I mostly think about my brother, how our family has changed since he has gone, our siblings have partners and children, he would have been a great uncle or perhaps father.