Losses You Have Successfully Grieved

[ballettmaus]

This to me is an example of success. I can see my family getting there. We might even be fairly close to that. My situation is interesting having five sisters...I'm definitely the most emotional one! I think that going through the emotions and letting go of pain so that the joy of having had something or someone positive in your life shines through brighter. But if people around you aren't able to process what they're going through, it's tougher to move forward as a group. Thank you for sharing your success story, @ballettmaus!

If that's what you meant by success then, from what you posted, I think you'll get there. I don't think there's a time frame, for me, it just happened. My family always had a tendency to remember my grandmother with a smile because there were so many things about her to smile about but at first, there was pain with the memories, sadness, tears. (The first Christmas, six months after her death, I cried over the color of my shoes not matching exactly with the outfit or something like that and I have a strong suspicion that it weren't actually the shoes which made me cry ) But it ebbed away and now it's "just" memories.
My grandmother was the first close relative who died, so I had never felt the kind of pain and sense of loss before and if I had a choice, I'd never ever feel it again. So, I understand why you want to reach a point when it doesn't hurt as much anymore. Unfortunately, I don't think there's a way to speed it up, we have to take the time we need. Hang in there, you'll get there.

 

[quartz]

I think I have finally "successfully" grieved for my father.

I was never the daughter he wanted or expected. And he told me so. I knew from the age of nine, that I would never be "daddy's little girl, little sweetheart or little princess".
I never had his support, his encouragement, his mentorship, his adoration, his praise. There were no glowing smiles and proud claims of, "that's my girl!"
I have no clue what is like to feel the unconditional love and care of a father.
Far too many years of tears.

When he died 11 months ago, my overwhelming feeling was one of relief that I would never again be subject to his tirades and prognostications about the fiery pit of hell I am going to spend eternity in, and what a horrible evil sinner I am.

The fact that I can now acknowledge and be proud of his incredible musical talents, and what he achieved and accomplished in his own life, I feel is a mark of, if not forgiveness, then at least acceptance.
My father chose to spend his life "storing up his own riches in heaven", and by doing so, completely missed out on the beautiful blessing of having a fabulous and amazing daughter here on earth.
He only saw my dark, and so I have learned to shine all on my own.

 

[Japanfan]

I think I have finally "successfully" grieved for my father.

I was never the daughter he wanted or expected. And he told me so. I knew from the age of nine, that I would never be "daddy's little girl, little sweetheart or little princess".
I never had his support, his encouragement, his mentorship, his adoration, his praise. There were no glowing smiles and proud claims of, "that's my girl!"
I have no clue what is like to feel the unconditional love and care of a father.
Far too many years of tears.

When he died 11 months ago, my overwhelming feeling was one of relief that I would never again be subject to his tirades and prognostications about the fiery pit of hell I am going to spend eternity in, and what a horrible evil sinner I am.

The fact that I can now acknowledge and be proud of his incredible musical talents, and what he achieved and accomplished in his own life, I feel is a mark of, if not forgiveness, then at least acceptance.
My father chose to spend his life "storing up his own riches in heaven", and by doing so, completely missed out on the beautiful blessing of having a fabulous and amazing daughter here on earth.
He only saw my dark, and so I have learned to shine all on my own.

Beautiful post, Quartz. I especially love the last line. You pretty much described my relationship with my own dad and how I felt when he died, although my dad wasn't religious and was an agnostic, so wasn't expecting anything from heaven.

I too never felt the unconditional love, support and care of a father. Dad was extremely hard on me, and critical and judgmental of me. At times he said some very nasty and cruel things to me. One of the better things about his losing his memory as he aged was that forgot his negative judgments of me.

Dad lived for 14 years after mom passed and during those 14 years I made several trips (to Winnipeg from Vancouver) to see him, out of obligation. For most of those years he just sat around by himself in his condo, slowly dying. Each time I went to say good-bye, and each time had to pretend to have love for him, when in his presence all I felt was mostly was anxiety and the desire to get away from him.

Since then I've realized that dad was probably also hard on my brother and sister, although I got the worst of it. I think we were all relieved when he died, at 90.

I too have achieved acceptance, if not forgiveness. And I appreciate my dad's talents also. He had a wicked sense of humor and was extremely intelligent and passionate about political/human rights issues - there were many rousing conversations around the dinner table. And I've come to appreciate what challenges he faced as Jew born in the 1910s who lived through the Depression and went to war because it was the 'right' thing to do. He became a pharmacist because it was one of the fields open to Jews, although it would not have been his choice, and he worked extremely hard in the drug store he bought after the war for 35 years. He saved up to ensure that all three of us to got a university education, which not all dads do.

The harm he did to me emotionally has not been reparable, but I've learned to live with it. And time heals.

I grieve the good times my family had now, like summer Sundays spent at the cottage, with barbecues and all sorts of fun company, and playing word games.

Ultimately, I've learned that resentment needs to be dealt with because of what it does to me. Forgiveness and acceptance are far better paths.

 

[lise]

took me well over a year to grieve the loss of my black lab Bella; she was my best friend, protector, confident, my life line. She went suddenly.
As others, it took me about 2 years to grieve my divorce he had hurt me badly in every sense of the word and got worse after I actually moved out. He finally stopped fighting everything (he had stopped paying support because he didn't think I deserved it). I'm remarried now to a man I should have married in he first place; so loving and caring and there isn't a day where I don't thank God for putting him in my life. However, my divorce led me to pursue a degree in social work, in order to help others in their time of need.
Sending my best as well to all who need it.

 

[smurfy]

My mom passed in 1988 (she was 56, died from lung cancer), when I was 27, and then my dad passed 11 months later (he was 61, heart valve issues - and I think he really missed my mom, had been sick a lot over the years and never imagined my mother going first).
I still miss them, but I think of many good things and memories too. I think of them every day. I can remember so much like it was yesterday. I feel I had a good upbringing, and they did they best they could. No regrets, but I have felt a little cheated loosing them young. I have 7 nephews and 1 niece (niblings), my mom only saw 1 grandson (a baby) , and my dad saw 2 grandsons (toddler and baby). I feel for my niblings that they never met them - knowing my parents would be over the moon with them. One of my nephews, who is just one of the sweetest souls, said when he 18 - that he would just love to meet them for an hour.
I can hear my parents sometimes in my head - advice type of things - one of my friends thought that was cool - as their advice would not change.
My sister died in 2007 at age 53 - she was 7 years older than me. She was an alcoholic. I had looked up to her when I was younger, and in my 20s learned the truth about her. She could be awful, and was not kind to my mother when she was dying. My sister and I had a big fight a few months before she passed suddenly. Strangely I feel no regret - as I was trying to help and she was in such denial. So many of her friends had written her off due to her behavior and expressed regrets to me for walking away. I think I grieved the loss Hope (of things ever getting) - as I had not really had a sister in decades. I think she is finally at peace after being so unhappy.
Her death though was the only time I felt relief that my parents were not here for that - as it would have devastated them.
I do think she is with them now and at peace.

 

[Erin]

I'm not sure I have any good success stories to share, but I did want to say thanks to @PeterG for starting the thread and for the resources in first post. A close friend had to put down a beloved dog and is (understandably) taking it very hard. The links have been helpful in offering suggestions on how to support her because that kind of thing has never been my strength and I feel a bit helpless.

 

[smurfy]

With any loss, whether human or a pet - I think it is very important to acknowledge it.
As I said above, I was in my late 20s when my parents passed. Several friends, around my same age, a few in particular that knew my parents well, never said one word to me. I understand that they had not had a loss yet in their life and did not know what to say, but it did bother me. One friend in particular - my parents helped her out a lot - and not a peep. Both my folks died in the fall and both of the Christmas cards I received from her only had her named signed. Other years she would write notes.
It meant a lot when some folks that I was not that close to went out of their way for me. One older gentleman at work (in his 80s) came up and cupped my face and said he was sorry.
After my sister had passed - I was the administrator of the estate and had a lot of work, plus worked fulltime in a job that required travel. I was so stressed. I remember about 3 months after she passed, my aunt called me up and said 'How you doing kid? I have been thinking of you?' - it meant so much that she was checking in. I had siblings that seemed more interested in when they were getting $$.

I have never had a pet, but I see how much their loss has hurt some people close to me. I have always expressed condolence for pets - and have been thanked very nicely.

I think it does not matter what you say or write, just say or write something.

 

[once_upon]

I've never had a furry child, but to me loosing a pet is as much of a loss as a child is. Again if I might use what people who work in grief counseling have said... grief it is not a competition where you measure how important your loss is compared to others, a loss is a loss. Yes, unlike child who you expect will outlive you, pets will most likely die before we do, but that does not mean that they are in any way less missed or grieved for

A marriage, a long term or short term relationship that is intense, a job loss, a loss of health are all things we mourn and then grieve. All represent a death of what was and what will not be returned to us fully.

The stories shared here emphasize how deeply and intense varying losses have affected people. And even how family can experience the same death, yet are rarely in the same place on the grieving continuum at the same time.

My dad and his sisters experienced the death of their parents, dad and 2 of my aunts coped fairly well, remaining in close contact with each other. One aunt did not cope well, refused to talk to her siblings because of a perception that her grief was not allowed to be talked about. Tomorrow, after 15 years of not speaking they will be spending time together because after the death of her husband she realizes that people move through the stages, not in a prescribed order and at the same time, and that's ok.

 

[katmari]

In my own experience, grief comes in different forms depending on the circumstances. If the death was sudden and unexpected, the shock factor and not being able to say goodbye made it harder for me to make peace with the loss. If the death came at the end of a prolonged illness, my sorrow mingled with a twinge of relief that the person's suffering had ended.

I had a brother and sister with Cystic Fibrosis. My sister's symptoms were worse from the beginning and she died at 2 after spending most of her life in the hospital. My brother lived to be 24 in a time when the average life span for some one with CF was 20. (He died in 1983.) He had been in and out of hospitals all his life for a variety of issues and had come close to death many times. In his final year, he went into a coma in March and died in December.

After he passed my parents split up his belongs and one of items I received was a necklace he had been given as a child. It was a baseball glove on a chain. Several years later one of my sisters got married. I brought the necklace with me and lent it to her for the ceremony so that he would be a part of the celebration. Now when I look at the necklace not only do I remember my brother, I also remember how moved my sister was when I gave it to her and how it made her day a little more special.

 

[attyfan]

katmari ... that is beautiful.

I lost my mother about five years ago, and my father about ten. It is only recently that I find myself giving away a few things that once belonged to one of them or some thing that they gave me that are no longer needed. But, on special family occasions, somehow, there will be something worn by each of us (my sister, my brother and I) representing not only mom and dad, but also their parents.

 

[clairecloutier]

I don't feel a scar is a part of a person. Scars can disappear entirely. Although as I get older and get banged up (physically), it seems that the physical scars that result of an accident are taking much longer to disappear! As for being triggered, I think one gets triggered when they hold onto grief rather than doing whatever work is necessary to let go of that grief. Time passing might make it seem like the pain is gone, but if you haven't done the work, you'll get triggered because you haven't worked to let go of the grief inside of you.

This, I disagree with. Some losses DO leave deep and lasting scars, even when you try your very best to get over it. I think it depends on the situation.

The end of my first marriage was something I've completely come to terms with. I no longer feel any sadness--only relief that it ended. It's been over 15 years since we split, and TBH, sometimes I almost forget I was married to that person! Getting over the divorce was made much easier, though, by the fact that I no longer really loved, trusted, or even liked him by the time we divorced. So, I recovered from that loss.

But the pain of losing my first daughter in a late miscarriage is totally different. The grief of that is ever-fresh, ever-devastating. I thought about it so much after it happened, read books about it, tried to talk with other parents who had lost children, even briefly saw a therapist. Nothing helped. The only solution, I find, is to not think about it. It's the same for my husband. Both of us avoid talking about it, even mentioning it, to each other.

The second hardest loss, which also left scars, was something like what @Xela M went through. (But not nearly as bad! (((@Xela M))) )

 

[peibeck]

@PeterG Thank you for starting this thread. To be quite honest, it has been all I can do to read many of the posts here, and I have burst into tears multiple times just reading everyone's beautiful posts.

I experienced different kinds of grief when my parents died. My father died slowly, so I was able to grieve during the process and be able to "accept" the loss which was coming. I feel like that made it much easier. Conversely, one Friday morning I was a work and the hospital called and said, "They just brought your mother into the ER, you need to come now." Within 36 hours she was gone. The grief was so very different, because there was so little chance to say goodbye.

Also, my mother was "the glue" of the family. I only ever saw my siblings if they were visiting my parents or holidays, where my mom would insist we gather as a family. When she died, I definitely felt "orphaned." I have had almost no contact with my siblings since they have died.

For me, especially being single, holidays are the worst. I am usually invited by friends for Thanksgiving, but Christmases I have spent alone. And I always miss my parents most at the holidays. My dad was great at baking and would always make the best home-made pies. I still have Christmas decorations that I had as a child that I cherish and still put on my holiday tree. Small things like that bring back such a flood of memories for me.

At the current time, I am grieving a four year relationship that ended very suddenly. It has been almost 7 months now that it has ended, and at long last some days are easier than others, but there were some of the darkest days I have ever had in my life in the immediate months following our split. Again, the fact that it happened suddenly, I think, has made it much harder to get over my grief, and it is coupled with the fact that it has severely devastated my self-esteem. That mixture of grief and depression (and even some anger that I can't seem to release) is just terrible; I would not wish it on anyone.

 

[Japanfan]

@PeterG For me, especially being single, holidays are the worst. I am usually invited by friends for Thanksgiving, but Christmases I have spent alone.

I almost always spend Christmas alone. I don't have much family to speak of, just a brother (with kids/a grandkid) and sister who live elsewhere. Mr. Japanfan usually works Christmas day and his family - only biological and spouses/one child (rest in England) - is atypical in that family get-togethers at Christmas are not mandatory. The general consensus is that mom-in-law should avoid such get-togethers, as she's twice gotten looped and made an absolute idiot of herself. I had her all to myself one Christmas, and it wasn't fun.

The Christmases I have celebrated with others have largely been disappointing, and I'm fine with spending the day alone - just me and my dog. New Years is special to me, but Christmas is just another day.

However, I am Jewish so didn't grow up with tradition of Christmas, and it's not an emotional trigger for me. Neither is Hanukkah, as there were few Jewish families in the small town I grew up in. My parents weren't religious (though they didn't really celebrate Chrisman) and Hanukkah only mattered when we were little, so I don't have that tradition instilled in me either.

Again, the fact that it happened suddenly, I think, has made it much harder to get over my grief, and it is coupled with the fact that it has severely devastated my self-esteem. That mixture of grief and depression (and even some anger that I can't seem to release) is just terrible; I would not wish it on anyone.

I've been through a similar experience, and the good thing about it was that I resolved to never never give myself up to man like that again and let a man do with me what he would. I would do almost anything for this man and the relationship finally had to end when he crossed the line of 'almost'.

 

[Xela M]

Some of the posts on here gave me chills.

My dad is like a best friend to me - we are soooo alike we could be the same person and we speak for hours everyday on the phone about everything (but football mostly ). The thought that one day I might no longer have him is very scary.

 

[pat c]

Time.

Losing someone you love and the relationship you've had, is never easy. When my dad died after a lengthy illness, I felt relief. I miss him, but he was not living the life he had enjoyed previously. My mom missed him terribly, but it was hard to watch him struggle. Losing my mother very suddenly blindsided me. It took me a good 2 years before I felt semi normal. I still miss her, think about her often. Both of my kids were devastated, and still miss her. My daughter just got engaged and the one person she would have really liked to have told was her grandmother.

You do reach a point where the pain is not gone, but it isn't as intense. Grief takes time, and we all go periods of depression and longing. The feelings do pass, but you always miss the people you care for that you've lost. There is no *getting over* loss. There is acceptance that you are not the same as you were before, that your life is different. There will be times that you can forget for periods of time, enjoy things about your life now. You do move on, but you always remember.

 

[Nan]

Time.

You do reach a point where the pain is not gone, but it isn't as intense. Grief takes time, and we all go periods of depression and longing. The feelings do pass, but you always miss the people you care for that you've lost. There is no *getting over* loss. There is acceptance that you are not the same as you were before, that your life is different. There will be times that you can forget for periods of time, enjoy things about your life now. You do move on, but you always remember.

Truth. Time is the best healer. My parents have been gone for over thirty years and I still miss them, but I can often think of them with a joyful heart and smile.

 

[puglover]

One thing that I feel causes grief to be more unbearable is regret. Life is so busy and we all think we have lots of time to say and do the things we want to our loved ones. My MIL died about 8 years ago. My husband and I lived in the same city as her and so were her primary care givers for years. We saw first hand the good days and the bad. Her youngest son visited often, helped her move, spoke very often on the phone with her and kept her a part of his life. We thought he would take her death the hardest but he has not. Both sisters visited often (although they all live hundreds of miles away), sent her little gifts, spoke often. The oldest of the living brothers has taken it by far the hardest. He also lives in the US and was always going to come and see her but just never quite did. He really wasn't much a part of her life at the end. He has been inconsolable.

Our son got married Friday to a lovely girl. Her younger brother died in a car accident when he was 17. It was obviously very painful that he was not there to share his sister's special day. All of my children were there and had a lot of fun together although I know they often make little effort outside of 'Mom and Dad" organized things to get together. It would be my sincere hope that they realized that you never know when the last time is that you will spend with a loved one. Grief is a tremendously painful thing but made worse if you are filled with a lot of "if only I had".

 

[Vash01]

I have lost both my parents, and each time it was painful but I was able to accept it as a part of life. It didn't mean that it didn't hurt. I still shed an occasional tear for them, but now it's mostly memories of the good times. I have created a shrine for them (a small table with their pics) in my home and I buy them flowers on their birthdays and days of passing. I thank them for being good parents. I also make donations on those days. It brings me comfort.

However, my most recent loss- that of my brother this year- has been much harder to deal with. It is a fresh wound, and I am still grieving. He and I were very close. We had the same profession, similar interests (but not FS ), we called each other almost every weekend, and I visited him often. This void in my life may never be filled. He was younger than me, and at the peak of his life - in apparent good health, with a happy family life, successful career and friends. I always thought that I would die before him, when both of us would be old, and on my death bed I would tell him that he had been a very good brother. He died of an unexpected heart attack earlier this year, and it has been very hard to deal with. I do the same things for him as I do for my parents. I have a separate shrine for him, with his picture in another room, and I buy him flowers frequently, and send donations in his memory. I tell him often how grateful I am that he was such a good brother. It's hard to talk to him without tears.

I know that time heals but I can't put a time limit on it. I allow myself to grieve whenever the grief comes up, and let it pass. I am able to take time off from work if I need to but that doesn't happen often.

I do have other activities- my job, my hobbies (too many, actually) and I enjoy whenever I participate in those, but I limit myself to only those I really want to participate in, and not get sucked into numerous activities, so I still have the time to grieve by myself. It's impossible to grieve 24x7, as my counselor said, so I am thankful that I have those other interests. I don't like my work, otherwise that would have been a very good and productive way to spend my time. I do have my meditation and it is always helpful.

I still keep asking occasionally - "why?" I may never find the answer but I know that with time there will be acceptance of the reality without resisting it. The healing process can take all forms but I think healing is always taking place, regardless of whether I am in tears or laughing in a group of friends. I do have a few very good friends and that helps too. When I need to talk, they are there. Also my sister, although away, is available by phone. She and I share the grief. Right now it is too intense though, so we usually end up talking about what else we are doing.

 

[VALuvsMKwan]

My mother died 38 years ago today after nearly dying and then being an invalid for just about a year.

From time to time, if I work on anything, Peter, it is to make sure I remember her voice (as well as those of my father and my grandmother). As long as I have the memories of those, I'll be fine - with sadness often, and frustration that she didn't have a longer life with my father after both I finished college and my young brother finished high school (the same year).

The worst times for me are not so much the anniversaries, but the Thanksgiving/Christmas holidays - because those were such big family occasions with food and fun and companionship). I really dread those each year.

 

[puglover]

I was an only child and exceedingly close to my mother. She was my comfort, my rock, my best friend, first enemy - I could go on and on. In her later years life with my mom became "difficult". She became very needy and demanding and I sometimes felt resentful - like the sandwich generation they speak of as my children were young and also needed my attention. My mom actually kind of preferred my husband - probably not even just kind of - she did prefer my husband! He could deal with her much better then I could. Fortunately, she had a peaceful death and I had time before she passed to share all my love and feelings for her.

It did take me a long time though - maybe even a few years - before I could remember the wonderful years with my mom and the true person she was before she was diminished by age and illness. I find now I miss her more then ever as I have been able to put the more recent issues in their place and cherish the memories of the truly great person she was.

 

[puglover]

I still grieve my little pug "Teka" every day though. She was always here with me. I still find myself talking to her.

 

[ilovepaydays]

I apologize for posting on here when I feel like I haven't "successfully grieved" yet. I could really use your prayers/thoughts this week. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my dad passing away and I think I am being more anxious about it then I ever thought I would.

I'm not sure why I feel this way - maybe it's because I feel like I lacked a lot with my relationship with my dad. Too many things to post here right now. Talking to someone at work isn't a good option. I feel like I could really use a hug. Or a cup of coffee. Or a really good glass of wine. Or a chance to talk about pretty much anything else (but then I guess I could use FSU for that ).

 

[Japanfan]

I have created a shrine for them (a small table with their pics) in my home and I buy them flowers on their birthdays and days of passing. I thank them for being good parents. I also make donations on those days. It brings me comfort.

However, my most recent loss- that of my brother this year- has been much harder to deal with.

He died of an unexpected heart attack earlier this year, and it has been very hard to deal with. I do the same things for him as I do for my parents. I have a separate shrine for him, with his picture in another room, and I buy him flowers frequently, and send donations in his memory. I tell him often how grateful I am that he was such a good brother. It's hard to talk to him without tears.

I'm so sorry about your brother, Vash01.

I love the idea of building a memorial shrine. We did that with the dog we lost unexpectedly a few years ago. I devoted one counter to her, and put a big candle on it and the urn with her ashes, and put her collar and therapy dog name tag on the urn. The wrapping paper with paw prints on it that came with the urn was also put down on the counter, and the few (very beautifully worded) sympathy cards we had received. On the wall behind the counter I put up a multiple-picture frame with some of my favourite pictures of her in it.

I lit the candle every night at first and would sometimes talk to Luna. It gave me a lot of comfort.

After a year the time felt right to dissemble the shrine, but the urn still sits on the counter. We'll scatter the ashes when the time feels right.

 

[smurfy]

I always think of my parents on their birthdays, wedding anniversary and the day they died and the holidays.
Two years ago I was in Ireland on my mothers death anniversary - so I had a lovely cup of tea in her honor. She loved tea w milk n sugar, and that is how I had it.
I will post pictures of them on face book on these days and it nice when relatives and friends share comments with me and tell me they miss them too.
I have never done it for my sister, and her birthday is Sat so I think I will share a picture on Facebook.
My sisters grave is 80 miles away, so when I am near there, I bring some flowers.
My parents are buried too far away, but my mothers best friend puts flowers on their graves for our family (my brothers and I send her money)

 

[Vash01]

Smurphy,

Sorry about your losses. Each loss is difficult but life goes on. Initially that's hard to accept.

 

[Vash01]

Just to add to my post, on my brother's birthday I added to the shrine a 49rs mug, a mug from his company, a fantasy football magazine, and I bought a DVD of The Social Network (he liked that movie) and watched it that night. I wore a 49rs t shirt to my Toastmasters meeting, raising some eyebrows LOL because the Cardinals and niners are on opposite sides.

My sister and I are both traveling (separately) more than usual. My Alaska trip this year was in planning since last year but the time away helped. She visited her friend in Switzerland. I find that planning future trips is helping.

 

[alj5]

About 15 years ago, my first husband died. We had been married for just over 3 months, and we were dealing with major life issues. I honestly don't know if we would have stayed together.

Since then I have lost two close friends (one to cancer and the other to a car accident), my remaining two grandmothers (though they were both quite old - 92 and 104), and my closest aunt (suspected MI).

I don't think the missing and the sorrow ever fully goes away, but it gets better. You get a new normal. There's more ability to think about the good times and the funny stories. The overt sorrow/tears/depression will become less frequent and less intense, but that takes time. Everyone is different, and your grief time frame is yours. It can be 6 months, it can be 6 years, it can be forever.
I did about 2 years of counseling after Chris' death which was very helpful in not just that, but also with the subsequent deaths.

I am now very happily married again with two kids. We had such a chance meeting (literally on a 12-hour flight home from Japan that I took about six months after my husband died). His sister was finishing her second year of medical school at one where I had been accepted. We exchanged email addresses so I could chat with his sister about school as I was deciding between two very different parts of the country. We didn't meet again until his sister graduated two years later, and didn't start dating until she had a "Residency Completion" party two years after that.

Of course I have other complications - most notably a former mother-in-law who has not taken the death of her only son well. She has become an alcoholic, and spent the first 5 years alternating showering me with love/affection and her drunken anger/blame. She has been generally out of my life since about half way through counseling. She did not take my second marriage well, and is now borderline estranged from her other child who remains in my life (and is one of my two best girl friends) and is an active aunt to my twins.


So I guess my advice is:
1. Let yourself feel whatever you are feeling.

2. Try to put into words/descriptions what you are feeling (I spent a long time in a numb zone), and writing it down may be helpful.

3. Make a list of good memories/stories both with the person you lost as well as generally other good memories/stories (sometimes the weight of grief and sadness weigh made me feel I would never be able to be happy or smile ever again, and looking at a physical list made it easier to remember)

4. Seek professional help if YOU feel that your grief is lasting "too long" or is making living your life difficult (consider the opinions of loved ones on this topic as something to think about, but it has to be your decision to seek help or it's not really going to help)

 

[Vash01]

I lost my dad 12 days ago.

That's all I have to say about it right now. I certainly don't know how to cope yet or how long it takes or anything you asked. But I appreciate the thread.

I am very sorry to hear this PDilemma. It is very hard to lose a parent. It's such a close relationship! My condolences to you and your family.

 

[PeterG]

I apologize for posting on here when I feel like I haven't "successfully grieved" yet. I could really use your prayers/thoughts this week. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my dad passing away and I think I am being more anxious about it then I ever thought I would.

I'm not sure why I feel this way - maybe it's because I feel like I lacked a lot with my relationship with my dad. Too many things to post here right now. Talking to someone at work isn't a good option. I feel like I could really use a hug. Or a cup of coffee. Or a really good glass of wine. Or a chance to talk about pretty much anything else (but then I guess I could use FSU for that ).

I am hoping that you are able to see each post in this thread as one hug after another hug...after another hug... And then take a seat while one of us gets you a cup of coffee or a glass of wine, we have both ready here for you.

 

[ilovepaydays]

I am hoping that you are able to see each post in this thread as one hug after another hug...after another hug... And then take a seat while one of us gets you a cup of coffee or a glass of wine, we have both ready here for you.

Aw...thanks!

Today was much better than I thought it was going to be. I actually didn't think about it too much except for when I called my mom - and she was doing well today. She treated herself to a massage and dinner with a friend.

I think about I was using the one year hump as a this HUGE milestone and that was affecting me a lot.