FSU Wedding Snarks

[quartz]

We paid for our own wedding. We only invited who we wanted. We never even thought of asking for money or having a registry as that would be like telling people, hey, give us "this".
Our philosophy was that if we were responsible enough to be working, and keeping a roof over our heads and paying our own bills, then if we wanted a wedding, then that was our responsibility as well.

We left it up to our guests to decide about gifts. We got a camp stove, lawn chairs, a cooler, a crock pot, etc. There was some cash, with which we bought an apartment size freezer, and 27 years later, we are still using it!

It seems there are so many faux pas when it comes to weddings, and they vary so much from area to area, and of course the whole cultural thing too. I went to a big lavish catholic wedding once, and just the brides dress cost more than our entire wedding, reception, and honeymoon combined!!

We probably did a lot of things "wrong". We even horrifyingly had a cash bar. (Which in our neck of the woods, and back in 1988, was perfectly normal, but I'm sure many of you are shuddering at our tacky, trailer park mentality ).

But we did exactly what we wanted, with who we wanted, with a budget we were comfortable with.
And we still have people tell us that it was one of the funnest weddings they ever went to.

If I have any advice, it's to stick up for yourself and do what you want. It's your wedding. It's not your parents/grandmas/aunts/cousins/bestfriends wedding. Yours.
Whiners can just get another drink. At the cash bar.

 

[made_in_canada]

Cash bars are pretty normal for our area. I know for many people that seems like the height of tackiness but unless you're very wealthy that's what guests in this area expect.

 

[Kultakissu]

We paid for our own wedding. We only invited who we wanted. We never even thought of asking for money or having a registry as that would be like telling people, hey, give us "this".
Our philosophy was that if we were responsible enough to be working, and keeping a roof over our heads and paying our own bills, then if we wanted a wedding, then that was our responsibility as well.

We left it up to our guests to decide about gifts. We got a camp stove, lawn chairs, a cooler, a crock pot, etc. There was some cash, with which we bought an apartment size freezer, and 27 years later, we are still using it!

It seems there are so many faux pas when it comes to weddings, and they vary so much from area to area, and of course the whole cultural thing too. I went to a big lavish catholic wedding once, and just the brides dress cost more than our entire wedding, reception, and honeymoon combined!!

We probably did a lot of things "wrong". We even horrifyingly had a cash bar. (Which in our neck of the woods, and back in 1988, was perfectly normal, but I'm sure many of you are shuddering at our tacky, trailer park mentality ).

But we did exactly what we wanted, with who we wanted, with a budget we were comfortable with.
And we still have people tell us that it was one of the funnest weddings they ever went to.

If I have any advice, it's to stick up for yourself and do what you want. It's your wedding. It's not your parents/grandmas/aunts/cousins/bestfriends wedding. Yours.
Whiners can just get another drink. At the cash bar.

This is so true! It all depends so much on where you're from and even what part of the country you're from. You can't really say something just is wrong; it can be both wrong and right at the same time. It's 5 pm somewhere in the world!

I didn't think twice about asking for money, because where I live it's the norm. Whereas I never would have even thought about having a cash bar, because that in turn would be something, well, unthinkable. We would never have lived it down.

I believe that you alone can know what's okay and what isn't, within your cultural sphere and family/circle of friends. You will also probably know best how much you can deviate from the usual before that deviation becomes something people will be talking about more than about how much fun they had at your wedding. If you're not sure about something, I'd bring the topic up somehow naturally in conversation and gauge people's reactions to it. "I read in a magazine that roasting a whole alligator is the biggest new trend in wedding entertainment." If they scream and gag, not a good idea. If they sound surprised, even taken aback a little, but can still laugh about it, then it's feasible.

And yikes what an expensive dress! We didn't have a lot to spend and we thought that the most important thing was that people would enjoy the party, so we put 80% of our budget into food and booze. (Which the guests sort of ended up paying for themselves, I guess ). I ordered my dress online for $70 and got it altered for $30!

 

[skatesindreams]

I didn't think twice about asking for money, because where I live it's the norm. Whereas I never would have even thought about having a cash bar, because that in turn would be something, well, unthinkable. We would never have lived it down.

I believe that you alone can know what's okay and what isn't, within your cultural sphere and family/circle of friends.

Absolutely!

I ordered my dress online for $70 and got it altered for $30!

I'd love to see your dress.

 

[Kultakissu]

I'd love to see your dress.

I got it from Unique Vintage. They don't seem to carry that style anymore, but this is close: http://www.unique-vintage.com/unique-vintage-off-white-cotton-eyelet-flirty-halter-swing-dress.html

It's a white sateen tea-length halterneck swing dress. I had a seamstress take it in in places and add tons of tulle to the petticoat to make the skirt extra-wide. She also made a veil to match - all for $30! I brought the materials, but still a pretty sweet deal.

 

[skatesindreams]

That's lovely; and a fantastic deal.
A good seamstress can transform, customize, and personalize a dress into something very special.

 

[Jenny]

re cash gifts, registries etc.

I have often seen in invitations over the years a notation at the bottom "no gifts please," which everyone invited usually understands is "we'd like money please." Can't recall anyone complaining about this at any of those weddings. I've also received invitations that include a small card noting where the couple is registered - again, can't recall complaints on this practice.

Recently we were invited to the wedding of an older couple who were both getting married for the second time and were combining two households of stuff. In the weeks leading up, an email came round from the sister of the bride who was also in the wedding party saying something to the effect of "the couple really just want you to be there to share in their big day, but as many of you have asked about for gift ideas, they are currently planning a kitchen renovation to accommodate their bigger family, and contributions to that project would be welcome." At the wedding, just about everyone put a card in a basket, and I'm assuming most of them included a cheque.

As for registries, I think they are a good thing. When one of my cousins got married, I was happy to have some guidance because while I am fond of her, I haven't been to her home so didn't know what they needed or her tastes. I bought straight from the registry for a shower (as did many who attended), and then for the wedding we gave money (young couple starting out).

Registries are great for people who don't know the couple intimately, and they are also handy for people who live out of town (many stores will ship directly to the couple) and won't attend or don't want to travel with a punch bowl or pair of lamps, and also good for people who would rather spend a couple of minutes online than go shopping in person for the perfect gift. Plus, then you also know that your gift will be exactly what they want, and not something that they might be grateful for but really don't need or want or of which they received duplicates.

 

[skatesindreams]

Some of the newer registry sites allow links to items that couples would like; as well as a place to contribute monetary gifts.

 

[CassAgain]

Whether polite or not, I would much rather know that the couple prefers cash to gifts. It saves time and energy. I think not having a registry (at least in the U.S.) would be an obvious clue that the couple would prefer cash.

 

[Hanna]

One does not ask for money for themselves. It is rude and self-serving.

Well, apparently customs vary between people and countries. In Finland it is absolutely the norm to write on the wedding invites that "instead of gifts, you can donate money for our honeymoon + bank account number". Often it's prefaced with a "We do not expect any gifts, but if you wish...". Seven of my friends have got married within the last year and every single one of them asked for money for the honeymoon. It's not considered impolite at all here (well I can't speak for the whole of Finland but definitely among everyone I know). Why would you ask for stuff out of some custom/polite necessity when you don't want any?

In any case, congrats @oleada, wheeeeee! The venue is gorgeous!

 

[ioana]

Well, apparently customs vary between people and countries. In Finland it is absolutely the norm to write on the wedding invites that "instead of gifts, you can donate money for our honeymoon + bank account number". Often it's prefaced with a "We do not expect any gifts, but if you wish...". Seven of my friends have got married within the last year and every single one of them asked for money for the honeymoon. It's not considered impolite at all here (well I can't speak for the whole of Finland but definitely among everyone I know). Why would you ask for stuff out of some custom/polite necessity when you don't want any?

Oh yes. One of my best friends is from Iran and she married a Scottish-American man last year. Suffice to say there were lots of things that she left out, but even a few of the traditions she did incorporate (i.e. joint honey tasting) left a lot of the American guests wondering what was going on. As long as the couple are on the same page about they want/ do not want, I see nothing wrong with politely asking guests to follow those wishes. I gave this friend a check since they want to eventually buy a bigger house. Another one of my friends who got married and was registered got a nice teapot and she still sends me pics of how they use it a few years later. Different stroked for different folks. I would mention a card/check box at the wedding. Between that and not being registered anywhere, think it should be clear enough money would be the best gift without actually asking for it in so many words.

Congrats & enjoy! Venue is very pretty and June should be a great time for a wedding .

 

[AxelAnnie]

That is true. Customs to vary. This is, however New York. USA. My opinion (which is simply that) stands.

 

[Prancer]

As for registries, I think they are a good thing. When one of my cousins got married, I was happy to have some guidance because while I am fond of her, I haven't been to her home so didn't know what they needed or her tastes. I bought straight from the registry for a shower (as did many who attended), and then for the wedding we gave money (young couple starting out).

Registries are great for people who don't know the couple intimately, and they are also handy for people who live out of town (many stores will ship directly to the couple) and won't attend or don't want to travel with a punch bowl or pair of lamps, and also good for people who would rather spend a couple of minutes online than go shopping in person for the perfect gift. Plus, then you also know that your gift will be exactly what they want, and not something that they might be grateful for but really don't need or want or of which they received duplicates.

I have links, but I am too lazy to find them at the moment. There is a professor who studies gifting and he has consistently found that people vastly prefer to choose their own gifts--meaning that people are happier with gifts from lists like registries AND they think more highly of the gift givers for giving the recipients exactly what they want. His findings were consistent across all social classes and all gift-giving occasions in the US.

 

[Angelskates]

Well I'm pretty sure a good portion came from their parents so they can buy a house.

That still surprises me. But then again, it still surprises me that parents pay for their adult children's weddings.

 

[oleada]

I think the incorporating cultures is a big thing. Wedding in my culture are actually completely nuts (like 300+ people, all night long, way too much money kind of affairs) so mine will actually be quite tame by those standards. I want it to feel like us, and that definitely isn't us. I keep reminding my family/friends that American weddings don't go until 5 am so they know what to expect! My parents are being very generous and the fact that weddings are so insane where we're from has kind of helped Since they're paying for a significant portion, I would like them to be able to invite some friends, the quantity of which is still up for debate

Cash bars are not done here; they weren't even an option in most of the places we visited. They are not done in my culture either. Gifts of money are the most common here, but as I mentioned, we have friends from all over the place. I think I'll definitely put something alone the lines of "we don't expect a gift but if you want to, please give us $$$" on our website and let it spread by word of mouth.

 

[IceAlisa]

Very romantic venue, congratulations and best of luck with the planning. Hope it goes smoothly.

 

[maatTheViking]

Our wedding went to 5 am (in Denmark)...
We didn't want to leave with the 'send off the couple' at midnight, we wanted out party, lol. We were young.

I prefer registries, and people being up front. I think if you want money, the best way to put it is to say: please donate to our fund for a new house (or honeymoon or whatever) I like knowing what if give, even if it is money.
I think the best gifts are the ones that the receiver really wa t, but didn't know they wanted - but those are super hard to come up with, you have to be very careful. So a gift list of wishes is a good thing.

Funny, my very best friend gifted us something unique and different
, but not on our list at our wedding. We never use it, but I can't get rid of it. It was close, but didn't hit the mark.

 

[KCC]

I always preferred giving a personal check to the newlyweds instead of donating to an organized website because I thought those wedding websites take a cut of the gift money. Am I wrong about that? Is it really harder to keep track of the checks, sign and deposit them? I know I would hate to lose even 5% of money gifts if it only meant depositing checks, but that is just me.

What is everyone's cultural practice on "thank you notes"? I never got one from either of my nephew's wedding gifts, and I was kind of hurt. Am I just being old fashioned?

 

[Vagabond]

There is a professor who studies gifting and he has consistently found that people vastly prefer to choose their own gifts--meaning that people are happier with gifts from lists like registries AND they think more highly of the gift givers for giving the recipients exactly what they want. His findings were consistent across all social classes and all gift-giving occasions in the US.

Does he study what the giftgivers think of the recipients?

A bride once told me -- at the wedding banquet -- not only how much she appreciated the gift I had made from her wedding registry list but how astounded she was that people actually gave her things that weren't on her list or even from the same store and certainly weren't to her taste. That snark pretty much destroyed whatever respect I had for her.

 

[Xela M]

I think people get offended too easily. Money is always the best gift. Everyone knows it and people who try to get offended by every slightest detail in a wedding invitation are a bit highly strung (in my personal opinion of course). And why would anyone give gifts which aren't on the registry (or from the same store as the registry)? That's such an odd thing to do

 

[alj5]

That still surprises me. But then again, it still surprises me that parents pay for their adult children's weddings.

My sister in law and her husband paid for their own wedding, so I wonder if the hefty checks were in response to that.

One of my coworkers has a 23 year old daughter getting married (probably) some time this summer. I say probably because the daughter apparently doesn't understand the concept of budget and I fear her parents are going to spend a ridiculously large amount of money on the wedding because she wants it to be uber fancy. We live in Southern California. We don't really have uber fancy weddings here. Guests come in flip flops and shorts if it's in the summer. Granted they're nicer flip flops and shorts, but still.

 

[dramatheater]

Congrats!

all the weddings I know ppl gave cash. & its like a common thing imo & its nothing rude to say so. Maybe somewhere else it is tho.
Ofc if people want to give actual gifts like tea-set or smth its also OK.
If its from a group of coleagues they too usually gather some sum of money to present as a group.
wedding is a very expensive thing & ppl realise this.

 

[allezfred]

I think the incorporating cultures is a big thing. Wedding in my culture are actually completely nuts (like 300+ people, all night long, way too much money kind of affairs) so mine will actually be quite tame by those standards. I want it to feel like us, and that definitely isn't us. I keep reminding my family/friends that American weddings don't go until 5 am so they know what to expect!

Colombian weddings sound like Irish weddings.

 

[taf2002]

I believe that you alone can know what's okay and what isn't, within your cultural sphere and family/circle of friends.

Um no. You might but judging from some of the weddings I've been invited to, some people are so entitled & spoiled that any good sense goes out the window. For example, telling someone that they shouldn't have bought something not on the registry is probably crass in any culture. Or telling people their gift didn't equal the cost of the plate. I understand that asking for money instead of gifts might be acceptable in some cultures but there are some things that are rude in most if not all cultures. It's getting more & more common here for weddings to start hours after the stated time which I think is beyond rude. It's as though the guests have nothing better to do than sit in an hard pew or on an uncomfortable chair outside waiting for the wedding to start.

BTW, I liked your dress.

What is everyone's cultural practice on "thank you notes"? I never got one from either of my nephew's wedding gifts, and I was kind of hurt. Am I just being old fashioned?

No. I can't understand the couple's rationale for NOT thanking people for their gifts.

 

[Spareoom]

I think you should always thank, no exceptions, no way, no how. HOW you thank, I think, is more open to preference. I know some people think that it's unbelievably tacky to do anything other than a handwritten card, but I think shy of stuffing an envelope with a copy-machined "thanks for the gift" without ANY sort of attempt to make it genuine, do whatever works for you. The important thing is that your gratitude is genuine and expressed to the people it belongs to.

 

[skatesindreams]

I understand that asking for money instead of gifts might be acceptable in some cultures but there are some things that are rude in most if not all cultures

Indeed.

However, asking for monetary gifts apparently isn't one of them.
There are always alternatives if doing that makes someone feel uncomfortable, though.

 

[Kultakissu]

Um no. You might but judging from some of the weddings I've been invited to, some people are so entitled & spoiled that any good sense goes out the window. For example, telling someone that they shouldn't have bought something not on the registry is probably crass in any culture. Or telling people their gift didn't equal the cost of the plate. I understand that asking for money instead of gifts might be acceptable in some cultures but there are some things that are rude in most if not all cultures. It's getting more & more common here for weddings to start hours after the stated time which I think is beyond rude. It's as though the guests have nothing better to do than sit in an hard pew or on an uncomfortable chair outside waiting for the wedding to start.

Yeah, I don't think you quite understood my point, but no matter

As for the behaviour in your examples...Those people just sound kind of socially inept / people who just dgaf. I doubt any of those people would write a nice post on a figure skating forum, asking for some advice

They sound like people who (think they) know everything, so no need to ask, or they know that saying those things is rude but they just don't care. I blame reality television - some people watch those shows and get the idea that it's somehow cool to create drama and act in a rude manner. "Just keeping it real" "Just telling it like it is" etc. The couple making you wait in that hard pew? They're just playing the reality queens of their own lives

 

[MacMadame]

Right after this thread popped up, I read about a new trend in wedding registries. There are companies that manages your registries and lets you include all sorts of unusual items. And cash. So you get to do what you want and still say you are registered. (At least that's my interpretation.)

One of them is zola.com. This is what they say on their website:

Choose the only wedding registry that lets you combine the brands you love, curated experiences, and cash funds on a single page. Simple for you, simple for your guests.

Also, I read an article the next day on this very subject that said that it's okay to have a registry for something like your honeymoon, a downpayment on a house, equipment to go rock climbing, gift cards or whatever but you must absolutely, positively NOT mention gifts in the invite. You pass the information about the registry by word of mouth. Or your wedding website or Facebook page, if you choose to have one. [I so would have been all over a wedding website if such a thing existed in 1989.]

As a gift giver, I have to say that (a) I do want to know what the receiver wants, but (b) I always have a bad reaction to invites that include mention of the registry or other items about the gift. It does make them seem like a gift grab to me even when I know the couple well enough to know they aren't like that.

I figure I'm a grown-up and perfectly capable of contacting someone in the wedding party or one of the parents to ask where the couple is registered. I don't really need that information shoved in my face like that.

 

[PDilemma]

I think you should always thank, no exceptions, no way, no how. HOW you thank, I think, is more open to preference. I know some people think that it's unbelievably tacky to do anything other than a handwritten card, but I think shy of stuffing an envelope with a copy-machined "thanks for the gift" without ANY sort of attempt to make it genuine, do whatever works for you. The important thing is that your gratitude is genuine and expressed to the people it belongs to.

We went to my cousin's wedding in May. We got her a very nice gift. We never got any thank you at all until December when a photo card with wedding photos on it and a generic "Thank you to everyone who came to our wedding or gave us gifts or sent us good wishes" message on it arrived with their Christmas card.

Frankly, I thought it was downright tacky.

 

[Lanie]

@oleada, I'm so excited for you, my friend! The venue is beautiful.