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Ivana Komova's interview with Alexei Mishin for stuffedtoyfanatic.ru:
IK: I respect you too much to waste your time with silly questions, so let’s get right into it: Why do you think your brilliant texts on biomechanics and figure skating jumps aren’t more widely read, especially by skaters outside of Russia?
AM: Current trend in men’s skating is find Asian boys with legs size of olive stems and hurl them into the sky. Yes, they may win medals but when they are 32 with titanium hips and steel kneecaps, that is taking the metal part very literally! Of course, intelligent coach like Orser send skaters to work with me, knowing I have eaten many dogs in the science of quads. This is opposed to U.S. attitude, “It is not sport, it is art, so take dance class and have many transitions.” Listen to me well—U.S. skating has become very fond of transitions at loss of science. Too bad sport do not follow trend of politics, where opposite is true.
IK: You and your former partner, Tamara Moskvina, have both gone on to extremely great careers as coaches. Are you surprised that she’s the one who stayed with pairs?
AM: Never do I try to think inside mind of a woman. Ladies are fragile, delicate beings. Pairs ladies especially are very tiny, although not as limited in stature as my longtime coach Maya Belenkaya. When I competed, men of pairs were twice as manly in order to strike balance, as all will know who are old and lucky enough to have seen Mishin in action. But today, emotional and weak men like Klimov and Smirnov, to say nothing of bearded U.S. man, make pairs even more womanly. But Tamara has for many years held her tail as weapon, even if her skaters cannot always follow example. And they do try! Look at Yuko; she is only skater of Tamara not from Russia but she has so much pride for coach she practically turn into less white, older version of Tamara.
IK: Are there any memorable stories from your competitive days that your fans might not know about?
AM: Funny you ask. You are too young and beautiful to remember 1966 European Championships in Bratislava. That was glory days of iron before Czechoslovakia have worse breakup than Uzova and Zhulin. Now, you may not believe it, but guess who was competing for USSR aside from us? Tatiana Tarasova! Before she spend life pretending to do choreography and including traditional recipe for Solyanka in color commentary, she was pairs skater. Her partner, bless him, let’s just say he is ultimate example of Russian saying, “It is easier for the mare when a woman gets off the cart.”
IK: Your wisdom is legendary for a reason.
AM: So after first day of competition, USSR team goes to Old Town for Bryndzove Halushky and vodka, and Tatiana puts so much behind the collar that she begin argument with local people about which country has best implementation of communism. They think this crazy drunk woman will not grab anyone’s eggs, but she challenges to arm wrestle contest and beats everyone in bar while continuing to consume alcohol. Funniest of all, next day she wins fourth place while Tamara and I have terrible hangover and only get to sixth.
IK: More proof that all comments about Russians conspiring with the judges are ludicrous.
AM: Well, Soviets then, but yes, that is good point. Journalists across West whine like female cow when my skaters out-jump theirs for years, but then when Evan’s ridiculous gold medal happen, Russia news agency obtain thousands of photos to prove Frank Carrol had been warming the sheriff for months! He provide judges with expensive fedoras, fancy perfume very old people wear not to smell so strongly of moth testicles, and blood pressure medication he badly need during entire career of Grace Gold. I may have a lot of grandmothers, but I do not give anything to ensure my skaters have victory. I am a humble, frugal person—you will recall there was one season where I only wear one shirt to competitions!
IK: You have said in the past that having Yagudin and Plushenko at the same time was like having two wives. Hopefully now you can be proud of all their accomplishments without thinking of the competition.
AM: Indeed, I cannot. Yagudin was born in exciting, elegant St. Petersburg, city of culture and basilicas with many onion domes. Plushenko comes from pathetic, small village. They say every sandpiper praises its own swamp, but I feel connection to him because my home city is now capital of nation of Georgia, horrible enemy of Russia. Plushenko, of all students, was my true wife, and you know that husband and wife are one Satan! Just as he called me Professor Higgins after character in famous play, I now refer to him as Davankova because she is youngest and therefore most favorite of all wives of Morosov, my professional colleague.
IK: What do you say to Plushenko fans who still mourn his last two Olympics?
AM: Evgeni has many passionate fans all over the world. Sometimes I see things like the erotic literature and artistic renderings they create for him and I am concerned. There is a saying in France where they say “Ooh lala” is one of these ultra-support fans going to hide in bushes outside of his apartment and try to usurp Yana’s role? But I guess the real point is, I do understand disappointment, but retirement is not always permanent so my message is this: Chicks are counted in autumn, or in this case February 2022 Olympic games.
IK: Although you prefer male pupils, you’ve recently had two very notable female skaters in Tuktamysheva and Kostner. What makes you willing to coach these women?
AM: Elizaveta has best jump technique in history of ladies skating, best artistry, best costumes, and of course best range of program emotion and themes. When I see her performance of first ladies four triple jump short program, I jump out of my pants. Her career may go up and down like the lack of curves on a Chinese pairs lady, but you cannot count her away. And Carolina is pure beauty on the ice. All of the things Elizaveta is best at, Kostner is somewhat close second.
IK: Of all your amazing accomplishments, is there anything that stands out, that you really want to be remembered for?
AM: I hope people can say that Mishin accomplished much. I show hard work, I take young men and make them technicians and also artists. I occasionally do the same with girls but mostly men. I would hope people to say that I am not a penis from a mountain. I am a special person, a coach who cares about the science but also the emotion. Plushenko shows this best—people may say he is robot or cyborg, but his heart pumps color of red that would please even Lenin.
IK: I respect you too much to waste your time with silly questions, so let’s get right into it: Why do you think your brilliant texts on biomechanics and figure skating jumps aren’t more widely read, especially by skaters outside of Russia?
AM: Current trend in men’s skating is find Asian boys with legs size of olive stems and hurl them into the sky. Yes, they may win medals but when they are 32 with titanium hips and steel kneecaps, that is taking the metal part very literally! Of course, intelligent coach like Orser send skaters to work with me, knowing I have eaten many dogs in the science of quads. This is opposed to U.S. attitude, “It is not sport, it is art, so take dance class and have many transitions.” Listen to me well—U.S. skating has become very fond of transitions at loss of science. Too bad sport do not follow trend of politics, where opposite is true.
IK: You and your former partner, Tamara Moskvina, have both gone on to extremely great careers as coaches. Are you surprised that she’s the one who stayed with pairs?
AM: Never do I try to think inside mind of a woman. Ladies are fragile, delicate beings. Pairs ladies especially are very tiny, although not as limited in stature as my longtime coach Maya Belenkaya. When I competed, men of pairs were twice as manly in order to strike balance, as all will know who are old and lucky enough to have seen Mishin in action. But today, emotional and weak men like Klimov and Smirnov, to say nothing of bearded U.S. man, make pairs even more womanly. But Tamara has for many years held her tail as weapon, even if her skaters cannot always follow example. And they do try! Look at Yuko; she is only skater of Tamara not from Russia but she has so much pride for coach she practically turn into less white, older version of Tamara.
IK: Are there any memorable stories from your competitive days that your fans might not know about?
AM: Funny you ask. You are too young and beautiful to remember 1966 European Championships in Bratislava. That was glory days of iron before Czechoslovakia have worse breakup than Uzova and Zhulin. Now, you may not believe it, but guess who was competing for USSR aside from us? Tatiana Tarasova! Before she spend life pretending to do choreography and including traditional recipe for Solyanka in color commentary, she was pairs skater. Her partner, bless him, let’s just say he is ultimate example of Russian saying, “It is easier for the mare when a woman gets off the cart.”
IK: Your wisdom is legendary for a reason.
AM: So after first day of competition, USSR team goes to Old Town for Bryndzove Halushky and vodka, and Tatiana puts so much behind the collar that she begin argument with local people about which country has best implementation of communism. They think this crazy drunk woman will not grab anyone’s eggs, but she challenges to arm wrestle contest and beats everyone in bar while continuing to consume alcohol. Funniest of all, next day she wins fourth place while Tamara and I have terrible hangover and only get to sixth.
IK: More proof that all comments about Russians conspiring with the judges are ludicrous.
AM: Well, Soviets then, but yes, that is good point. Journalists across West whine like female cow when my skaters out-jump theirs for years, but then when Evan’s ridiculous gold medal happen, Russia news agency obtain thousands of photos to prove Frank Carrol had been warming the sheriff for months! He provide judges with expensive fedoras, fancy perfume very old people wear not to smell so strongly of moth testicles, and blood pressure medication he badly need during entire career of Grace Gold. I may have a lot of grandmothers, but I do not give anything to ensure my skaters have victory. I am a humble, frugal person—you will recall there was one season where I only wear one shirt to competitions!
IK: You have said in the past that having Yagudin and Plushenko at the same time was like having two wives. Hopefully now you can be proud of all their accomplishments without thinking of the competition.
AM: Indeed, I cannot. Yagudin was born in exciting, elegant St. Petersburg, city of culture and basilicas with many onion domes. Plushenko comes from pathetic, small village. They say every sandpiper praises its own swamp, but I feel connection to him because my home city is now capital of nation of Georgia, horrible enemy of Russia. Plushenko, of all students, was my true wife, and you know that husband and wife are one Satan! Just as he called me Professor Higgins after character in famous play, I now refer to him as Davankova because she is youngest and therefore most favorite of all wives of Morosov, my professional colleague.
IK: What do you say to Plushenko fans who still mourn his last two Olympics?
AM: Evgeni has many passionate fans all over the world. Sometimes I see things like the erotic literature and artistic renderings they create for him and I am concerned. There is a saying in France where they say “Ooh lala” is one of these ultra-support fans going to hide in bushes outside of his apartment and try to usurp Yana’s role? But I guess the real point is, I do understand disappointment, but retirement is not always permanent so my message is this: Chicks are counted in autumn, or in this case February 2022 Olympic games.
IK: Although you prefer male pupils, you’ve recently had two very notable female skaters in Tuktamysheva and Kostner. What makes you willing to coach these women?
AM: Elizaveta has best jump technique in history of ladies skating, best artistry, best costumes, and of course best range of program emotion and themes. When I see her performance of first ladies four triple jump short program, I jump out of my pants. Her career may go up and down like the lack of curves on a Chinese pairs lady, but you cannot count her away. And Carolina is pure beauty on the ice. All of the things Elizaveta is best at, Kostner is somewhat close second.
IK: Of all your amazing accomplishments, is there anything that stands out, that you really want to be remembered for?
AM: I hope people can say that Mishin accomplished much. I show hard work, I take young men and make them technicians and also artists. I occasionally do the same with girls but mostly men. I would hope people to say that I am not a penis from a mountain. I am a special person, a coach who cares about the science but also the emotion. Plushenko shows this best—people may say he is robot or cyborg, but his heart pumps color of red that would please even Lenin.
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