Will I ever grieve her death?

[Cupid]

My mom passed away after a lengthy illness this past fall and she also was becoming demented towards the end, according to her personal physician.

We had a huge falling out about 9 months before her death for which details I won't get into, but let's say she was trying to have me arrested for larceny and elder abuse (at the prompting of a sibling). The police investigated and thought it was more of a sibling rivalry dispute and closed the case. I had many sleepless nights during that time and had to hire an attorney to clear my name.

So this was my first Christmas without her. I didn't cry or miss her much. It is as if something has numbed me or died inside of me where I don't feel anything.

In a way, maybe it's for the best. I didn't even cry at her funeral or upon hearing about her death. I did visit her bedside at the hospital a few days before she died. She could hear me but wouldn't open her eyes. I told her I just wanted to say goodbye in case I didn't see her again, and that I loved her. Again, no tears. I used to be a very emotional person. Now, nothing.

I hear grieving has stages. After her death this past fall, sometimes I missed picking up the phone to call her, knowing I would never be able to do that again. But that's about it. Nothing.

 

[quartz]

(((Cupid)))

 

[AxelAnnie]

Oh so sorry. . Grieving is different for each of us. Crying of not necessarily a marker good or bad. Sounds like you really lost your mother some time ago. . With my mom... Who was an abusive alcoholic I was lucky. . I learned how to forgive her before she died... And we had some good years. . In the end I believe she did the best she could with the tools she had. Good luck. . Have you tried any grieving groups or a talk therapist? Sometimes another outside perspective is helpful. Good luck.

 

[PeterG]

I started a thread a little while ago called "Losses You Have Successfully Grieved". Here's the link to it, I really enjoyed what people shared with everyone:

Losses You Have Successfully Grieved

 

[skatesindreams]

No wonder your emotions are confused and conflicted.
You are dealing with what happened during the incident before your mother's death, in addition to her passing.

People grieve differently.
There is no "right or wrong" way to do so.
Allow yourself time.

If you feel the need, don't hesitate to find counseling to help you.

 

[Vash01]

(((Cupid))) Sorry for your loss. I hope you don't mind me saying this.

You may still be in a shock. Death of an immediate family member is a very big shock. The lack of tears could be due to that. Take your time and let things develop naturally. At some point you may feel the pain of losing your mother who must have done some good things for you before she became ill. Just accept whatever you are feeling now and in the future. I do believe that forgiving someone who has done you wrong brings peace of mind, but don't push yourself.

My sister's daughter has a lot of anger toward her mother and she has hurt her mother very badly. I am hoping that both of them can forgive each other before it's too late. It's never good to be angry because you are the only one that gets hurt from it.

Have you considered counseling? It has helped me to talk to a licensed counselor when I lost close family members.

Time is a good healer. Allow yourself time for the healing to take place, naturally.

 

[once_upon]

I think when you have a very bad relationship, particularly as difficult as you descrbe, you may not ever "grieve" in what people traditional think one should. We don't all have that hallmark relationship with our mothers.

I suspect that the proliferation of the "like if you miss your mom", "like if you have the best mom" stuff that shows up on Facebook and other social media around this time of year, makes you feel like you should mourn or grieve.

Everyone responds differently to deaths of family members because we have different relationships with the deceased. My recommendations: you don't need to compare where what others think you should do; acknowledge that your mother was not the hallmark moment mom; and forgive yourself for feeling angry it appears to me you are justified in your anger.

 

[Spun Silver]

I never really grieved my mother. She died when I was 23. She was a difficult mother. Alcoholic, angry in a way that got physical too often, suicidal (in my teens, I would have to take razor blades out of her hands while listening to her tell me what rotten kids we were).... We were never close, but I am eternally grateful that we reached, or were given, an evening of real peace right before she died. Something broken healed that night. I can't say like Axel Annie that she did her best under the circumstances, but I do have compassion for the difficult hand she was dealt in life. And she managed to do a lot right as a parent. She got all four of us through high school at least with no major problems, none of us has ever smoked or had a substance abuse problem, only one didn't finish college (and she is the most successful of us all), and only one of us has turned into a kook. Not saying which one. But her Inability to give love made it hard to give love back to her. And her death was slow and painful, the kind that comes as a release. Some deaths come too slowly and the grief and letting go come largely before the end. I mourned more when I first found out she had breast cancer.

It's not your grief that's important, IMO, it's your compassion for her. And that may take time, understandably.

 

[Tinami Amori]

Cupid, you have nothing to feel guilty about, if you behaved decently towards your mother, and it looks like you did. There is NO formula for how one must feel in such circumstances. There is really NO FORMULA…..


There is one danger, in your situation, however (based on what I observed with my friends, and few occasions in my life when people important to my life have passed away). You may feel deprived of an opportunity to ask your mother a very critical question: Why? But Why?? did she “turn on you”…… and why did she acted “against you”….


And now you will never receive that answer, and will never be able to have a heart to heart talk with her, and worst yet, now she will never acknowledge how much she hurt you and will never apologize. You have to live with it. And your current mental state, as you described it, is a very healthy one.


It is so discomforting to have important questions in life go unanswered, but the whole trick in life is to live smartly and to make decisions with minimal data and unpredictable variables in your formula….. Put this “on the shelf”.. and be sure that you acted decently.


I have very close friend, her mother last year passed away, and I knew her mother for 50 years, at every stage of this family’s life, all the way from Moscow to California, and that mother was “a fruit for a special taste”. She fulfilled all her responsibilities towards her daughter, food, shelter, education, material support. But as a single mother, she constantly made her daughter feel guilty about “being there” and imposing on her “path to greater heights”…. This woman should NOT have married or have children… She resented responsibility of having a child, yet I must give it to her, she overcame herself, and took care of her daughter…… while resenting her role. On one hand, she supported her daughter practically, and at the same time destroyed her emotionally. When her daughter, my friend, had problems with other people, the Mother took the “side” of Other People…. When Daughter had illness or problems, with “chicken soup” and practical help came the accusations “you’ve done wrong, now you’re paying for it”.


Once, back in Moscow, when we were 10 years old, I almost punched this woman in the face.... My friend had an argument with neighbor’s boy. The Boy was nasty, and my friend was right. Boy’s parents came to Mother to complain. Mother heard 2 minutes of neighbors’ complains, called the Daughter and started yelling at her “why did you do this (xxxx)…… “. I yelled back at the Mother “You are “svolotch!” (rabble of a mother)…..Why don’t you ask your daughter what happened FIRST? Before yelling! Maybe she has ANOTHER STORY? Maybe the Boy is the one who is wrong? I was there, the neighbors are lying…. “. And then the bitchy mother came to my parents and told them that I insulted her......


This darn mother always took a stand against her daughter…. and assumed the daughter is the guilty one…… In Russia, in Italy, in Israel, in USA…… from 5 years to 57 years……


And now my friend will forever live with “unanswered question”, why but why her OWN mother was always against her…… That’s worst than feeling “nothing” over her mother’s death.

 

[StitchMonkey]

I think it is likely that you grieved for the relationship 9 months ago. I also think that there is not a damn thing unhealthy or unnatural about that.

 

[ballettmaus]

I can only agree with what has already been said - there may come a time when you feel like crying or there may not. Whatever happens, do what is best for you and what you can live with and don't bother with what society thinks is appropriate for the occasion.
My grandmother died unexpectedly on Nov 27th, her funeral wasn't until the 18th, and we still celebrated Christmas (albeit not as elaborately). Even my grandpa had a Christmas tree and I'm sure there are people who would have been shocked if they knew because they would say "you don't do that so shortly after a loved one's death". But we did what we needed to do, we did what we know she would have wanted us to do.

So, whatever you feel you feel and as long as you're okay with it and are at peace with what you feel it's the right thing to feel.

 

[Simone411]

(((( @Cupid )))) You shouldn't worry yourself over this. I was at a nursing facility when my dad passed away in February of 2012. My brother came and got me the day before he passed away, and was able to talk to him. I had to go back to the Nursing facility that day. My stepmom called the next morning to let me know that he passed away earlier that morning. My brother came and got me again so I could be there at the visitation and at the funeral.

I had to go back to the nursing facility when the funeral was over with. None of my friends there would let me be by myself. They didn't want me to be alone. Reality about my dad passing didn't hit me until I finally got to come home in April of 2012. It felt like a dream, but it hit me when I got to my home that I would never see him again.

We all grieve in different ways, and I've never been able to remove or delete my dad's cell phone number from my cell phone. I may never be able to, but that's okay.

You shouldn't have any guilt feelings or anything like it. We all grieve in different ways. Just because you didn't cry doesn't mean a thing. Like I said, reality didn't hit me until I came home. Don't kick yourself over it. It's okay. <3

 

[Aussie Willy]

I suspect that the proliferation of the "like if you miss your mom", "like if you have the best mom" stuff that shows up on Facebook and other social media around this time of year, makes you feel like you should mourn or grieve.

I think is very true. There are so many people who wear their hearts on their sleeves on social media that you must wonder if there is something wrong with you if you don't react the same way they do. When my grandmother died last year I didn't post anything even though my sisters did. I am just not that kind of person.

But it is understandable that you think when it is your mother that surely you must feel something. However not everyone does. Just as some people have terrible relationships with their closest relatives. You cannot do anything about it. I think you are doing a good thing here being so honest about it because when it comes to situations like this many of this forum are the most unjudgemental and understanding group you could come across.

It would probably be worth having some counselling just to get your feelings in order. It may not be anything but you may come to some peace about your situation and work out what is appropriate for you in terms of grieving and whether that is how things are meant to be.

 

[aliceanne]

Deleted

 

[aliceanne]

Deleted

 

[Scrufflet]

((((Cupid))))
Some very wise people in this thread.
Do consider that dementia may have started sooner than any of you knew. It happened with my mother. Rational response was just impossible and she became a much more difficult person to deal with. Be kind to yourself! Counselling would be good, help you come to terms with a lot of this.

 

[overedge]

((@Cupid))
I've seen in my own family (not my immediate family, but my close relatives) that it's really difficult when society expects us to interact with our parents in a certain way, but that way doesn't reflect the actual dynamics of how families work. I agree with others here that this time of year is especially tough, when we are surrounded by images and messages about ideal families celebrating the holidays. And we can feel that there is something wrong with us if our family doesn't look like that, or act like that.

The stages of grieving don't work the same way or in the same order for everybody, depending on the circumstances. As others have said, whatever works for you, works for you - it doesn't mean that you are reacting wrongly or missing something if you aren't grieving the way you are "supposed" to. @Scrufflet has a really good idea about seeking some counselling if you need some reassurance or support in helping you get through this.

 

[Japanfan]

Your falling out with your mom probably impacted your experience of losing her, Cupid. And if there were other issues and problems throughout her life, those too would also impact you.

There are no rules for whether and how a person should grieve. Not everyone has easy, loving relationships with their parents, and in some cases people are simply relieved with a parent passes, especially when an illness or conditions has compromised their quality of life.

Sometimes grief comes later, and in some cases anger may be stronger than grief, or the two may exist in equal measure. Or, the grief can be about the parent one never had, and the losses associated with that - which are different than the loss of a parent. About conversations never had, or just about the loss of time that death represents.

 

[Spareoom]

((((Cupid))))
Some very wise people in this thread.
Do consider that dementia may have started sooner than any of you knew. It happened with my mother. Rational response was just impossible and she became a much more difficult person to deal with. Be kind to yourself! Counselling would be good, help you come to terms with a lot of this.

I just wanted to affirm this. In the last few years, my grandma has gone on the nutty train; just super unreasonable and causing so much family drama. It's been really difficult on my mom especially. But, my grandma has dementia and it's been setting slowly for years but it was such a gradual thing that nobody really noticed it until things were starting to be noticeably bad. I'm not even sure my grandma acknowledges just how much it's impacted her rationality and stuff. So it's hard; remembering that she has this condition but she doesn't really acknowledge it.

Like everyone has said, there's no one way to grieve. Definitely find people you can talk it out with; I think that's what you're doing here but it's good to do it in "real life" too.

 

[Vagabond]

@Cupid -- If your mother was under hospice care covered by Social Security, you may be eligible for free grief counseling until the first anniversary of her death. Your own health insurance may also cover some sort of grief counseling. I would encourage you to look into this as soon as possible.

As someone who is currently in an adversarial relationship with a close relative who may be suffering from cognitive and psychiatric problems, I extend to you my deepest sympathies. Ditto @Spun Silver.

 

[Spun Silver]

@Vagabond, my struggles with my mother are ancient history, but thank you for your sympathy. Sorry to hear about your present struggles. I hope things turn out as well as possible.

 

[Scrufflet]

I could not stop thinking about this thread when I went to bed last night. I didn't want to post at length because it seemed to me to be too profound to jump in quickly. But I do have some thoughts!

When my parents died (father in 1977, mother in 2000) I was confused by my grief. Relations had not been good with either one of them. A very wise person (counsellor!) told me that it is common to grieve for the parent you didn't have as well as the one you did! That made total sense to me and I was able to move on. My last conversation with my mother was horrible: she was screaming at me to get out of the hospital and do something for her. That was the dementia speaking. Luckily, my brother stepped in and took care of her when I could no longer do so.

Oddly, I had a different experience with my aunt, a rare and special lady who lived to 102. She was the central strong family fixture when all the other adults around her were thoroughly bonky and dysfunctional. When she died, I didn't feel much grief. Instead, it really was a celebration because I knew she'd had a good run and I had experienced so much of it with her. She kept a lot of my generation sane! I'm surrounded by some of her things and feel pleasant memories when I think of her. This has only happened with her, never anyone else.

A major grief that has defined my life has been getting diabetes when I was 21. I was in denial for many years and chose to ignore it. I thought of it as a slow death. My motto was: This disease is not going to ruin my life! Of course, it took a long time to see that it actually was doing just that. After about 40 years of that, complications were setting in and I had an epiphany. Either I take charge of it or it would take charge of me for good. I entered a hospital program, got on an insulin pump and improved my blood sugar control. I still have poor balance, mobility impairment, etc. and there are many things I can't do, like dance, walk a dog or skate but there are many things I can do and it's up to me to go find them. My motto now is: This disease is not going to ruin my life! I hope I do not make this sound ridiculously easy because it's not. When I see someone struggling with a health issue, I can't judge, only feel compassion and respect for their struggle.

 

[Scrufflet]

I think is very true. There are so many people who wear their hearts on their sleeves on social media that you must wonder if there is something wrong with you if you don't react the same way they do. When my grandmother died last year I didn't post anything even though my sisters did. I am just not that kind of person.

But it is understandable that you think when it is your mother that surely you must feel something. However not everyone does. Just as some people have terrible relationships with their closest relatives. You cannot do anything about it. I think you are doing a good thing here being so honest about it because when it comes to situations like this many of this forum are the most unjudgemental and understanding group you could come across.

It would probably be worth having some counselling just to get your feelings in order. It may not be anything but you may come to some peace about your situation and work out what is appropriate for you in terms of grieving and whether that is how things are meant to be.

Interesting point about the posting on Facebook. I would not post anything on it that personal but I am aware that I'm from a different generation. I don't want to know a lot of things that people post there. There seems to be a confused set of boundaries or perhaps I'm not getting the reset boundaries. Last week, a woman I did not know died of cancer and I got dozens of messages grieving her. Although one person I knew was a friend, I had no clue as to the others. I would much rather have not seen any of it.

I must say I agree with you wholeheartedly on the unwavering support of people on FSU. Some very wise, good people here, willing to help when asked!

 

[Cupid]

I have very close friend, her mother last year passed away, and I knew her mother for 50 years, at every stage of this family’s life, all the way from Moscow to California, and that mother was “a fruit for a special taste”. She fulfilled all her responsibilities towards her daughter, food, shelter, education, material support. But as a single mother, she constantly made her daughter feel guilty about “being there” and imposing on her “path to greater heights”…. This woman should NOT have married or have children… She resented responsibility of having a child, yet I must give it to her, she overcame herself, and took care of her daughter…… while resenting her role. On one hand, she supported her daughter practically, and at the same time destroyed her emotionally. When her daughter, my friend, had problems with other people, the Mother took the “side” of Other People…. When Daughter had illness or problems, with “chicken soup” and practical help came the accusations “you’ve done wrong, now you’re paying for it”.


Once, back in Moscow, when we were 10 years old, I almost punched this woman in the face.... My friend had an argument with neighbor’s boy. The Boy was nasty, and my friend was right. Boy’s parents came to Mother to complain. Mother heard 2 minutes of neighbors’ complains, called the Daughter and started yelling at her “why did you do this (xxxx)…… “. I yelled back at the Mother “You are “svolotch!” (rabble of a mother)…..Why don’t you ask your daughter what happened FIRST? Before yelling! Maybe she has ANOTHER STORY? Maybe the Boy is the one who is wrong? I was there, the neighbors are lying…. “. And then the bitchy mother came to my parents and told them that I insulted her......


This darn mother always took a stand against her daughter…. and assumed the daughter is the guilty one…… In Russia, in Italy, in Israel, in USA…… from 5 years to 57 years……


And now my friend will forever live with “unanswered question”, why but why her OWN mother was always against her…… That’s worst than feeling “nothing” over her mother’s death.

Yes, my sister and I can relate to this. She was never a supportive mother, always compared us to her friends' daughters how they were prettier and smarter, how we were too skinny or ugly, she was a very hands off type of mom. She did have a few good qualities, but I really feel she never bonded with the girls. She always favored the son simply because he was a son and resembled her.

One of the things she said to me towards the end was no wonder my husband "kicked me out". What type of mother says that? He didn't kick me out and she knew all the problems we were having, but once again, she ALWAYS ALWAYS took the other person's side, no matter what. I was to blame for anything and everything wrong with my life, no moral support ever.

 

[Cupid]

Thanks you for all who posted, reading your comments really comforted me and I can see that others go through the same feelings sometimes. My sister never made peace with Mom all the while she was in the hospital, didn't attend her funeral or come into town so we could support each other. I think she regrets it somewhat but never would acknowledge. She posted on her Facebook recently that someone she loved dearly was celebrating Christmas up in heaven. I can only surmise she meant our mother. She had many opportunities to speak with her on the phone when she was in the hospital and I was there, but she always refused. I am happy I went to see my mom a few days before her death and told her I loved her. I have two friends who know the circumstances: One is a friend of many years who suggested I go to the hospital and tell her I loved her just so that I wouldn't regret NOT doing so sometime in the future; the other friend, a psychologist, said she would suggest that I did NOT go to her considering how bad she treated me and my sister over the years.

I'm glad of my decision.

 

[Spun Silver]

Yes, my sister and I can relate to this. She was never a supportive mother, always compared us to her friends' daughters how they were prettier and smarter, how we were too skinny or ugly, she was a very hands off type of mom. She did have a few good qualities, but I really feel she never bonded with the girls. She always favored the son simply because he was a son and resembled her.

One of the things she said to me towards the end was no wonder my husband "kicked me out". What type of mother says that? He didn't kick me out and she knew all the problems we were having, but once again, she ALWAYS ALWAYS took the other person's side, no matter what. I was to blame for anything and everything wrong with my life, no moral support ever.

She must have known a lot of unhappiness and cruelty in her youth, as my mother did, but that is not an excuse, just a partial explanation. I am very glad you have your sister. My sibs are my rocks. (Except for the one who is my cross.) I can't imagine what it would be like to have gone through such a childhood and lived with its aftereffects without anyone who really understood.

 

[Rock2]

I haven't read all the replies, but scanned a bunch and they all felt like great perspective. In case this hasn't been said I'll add the point that your suspicion of not having grieved should only be a problem if you feel you aren't moving on at all. In other words, if your current reaction/state of mind/emotions are interfering with your daily life that might be a flag and something for you to talk to a professional about.

Just my uncredentialled opinion. Good luck!

 

[Tinami Amori]

Yes, my sister and I can relate to this. She was never a supportive mother, always compared us to her friends' daughters how they were prettier and smarter, how we were too skinny or ugly, she was a very hands off type of mom. She did have a few good qualities, but I really feel she never bonded with the girls. She always favored the son simply because he was a son and resembled her.

One of the things she said to me towards the end was no wonder my husband "kicked me out". What type of mother says that? He didn't kick me out and she knew all the problems we were having, but once again, she ALWAYS ALWAYS took the other person's side, no matter what. I was to blame for anything and everything wrong with my life, no moral support ever.

I don’t know if you want to continue on this subject, given the hurtful nature, but I’ve been noticing during last decade that half of my immigrant-friends’ mothers are either “overbearing tiger moms” or “incapacitating elements”.


I have a male friend who rides bikes and changed old models for new ones very often, to try new models. For some odd reason his father believes that Son buys new bikes because he crashes the old ones. Nothing convinces him otherwise, not sales receipts, not friends’ testimonies, not any other facts. Each time Father sees new bike, he says “crushed again? I always knew you live like an idiot except when you’re asleep”. Once I collected many DMV docs, showing “title transfers” for my friend’s bikes and brought it to the Father. Father looked at title transfers and said to me “you’re an idiot too, for spending so much time creating these fakes”.


Same Father refuses to acknowledge that his Son graduated from Stanford University, even when shows a copy of the diploma. This situation is beyond weird. Son did go to Junior College first 2 years, and then was accepted to Stanford with excellent GPA from a JCC. But Father only remembers “how his son had awful grades and dropped out of high-school, and HAD to go to JCC, since no decent college will take him”. He is convinced that universities like Stanford do not take high-school drop outs, and thinks the diploma from Stanford is also “Tinami’s another fake documents, because she is Russian and works with Russia, and all Russian business is fake”.


Same Father keeps remembering that his Son’s first wife “dumped him and was right to do so”. In fact my friend and his wife divorced amicably, because my friend finally recognized that he is interested in same-sex relationships, and his wife did not take it personally. They are now friends, and visit each others’ families. Once on an occasion she told Father “I did not leave your son, he asked for divorce”. Father said “why do you all lie to me? It does not change reality”.


This father is a mystery to me. He is educated, successful professional, his wife is alive and healthy, they travel, go the museums, theatre, both very intelligent people otherwise.


Another “mother” is a mystery to me. My own friend, and yet I despise how she treats her daughter sometimes. Every time her daughter wins something at school or in sports and comes home proud, the Mother never congratulates her, but rather says something like “I don’t expect any less, given all the money and time I spent on your training”, or “Well, you should have won the Math Challenge, all your nannies (the 4 grand-parents) are PhDs”.


When her daughter started making very beautiful and creative art-collages out of dry leaves, and Mother’s friends and relatives wanted to buy them, Mother would discourage them right in front of her daughter, saying “You don’t want this junk in your house, and you don’t need to buy it just to be polite”. When I wanted to buy two pictures, my friend (mother) told me “my daughter does not need charity and pretence that this child’s work worth money, she needs to study art seriously if she wants to be a commercial artist”.


Another female friend of mine, a concert pianist, has a Mother who tries to “keep her honest” when they are together at gatherings, parties and concerts. Not only Mother embarrasses her adult daughter, she sometimes interferes with her business, because she comes to most of her concerts and mingles with the crowd.


Once at a reception, after my friend’s concert, Mother overheard how her daughter is telling a group of people that Chopin is a big part of her piano repertoire. These people wanted to hire my friend to play at a corporate event. Mother came right over and said “The only Chopin you ever play is Noctrune #2”. Another time Mother overheard her daughter saying that she’s been playing piano since she was 6 years old. Mother immediately corrects her “that’s not true. I bought you your first piano when you were 9”. When my friend told a guy she just met and liked that she was 36 years old, Mother came over and corrected her “you’re 39 now to be exact, soon to be 40, in 5 weeks”.


Why the heck these parents do that? That defiles logic…… and INSTINCT. I stopped reading and seeking materials on the subject, because I have not found any reasonable explanations.

 

[Scrufflet]

I don’t know if you want to continue on this subject, given the hurtful nature, but I’ve been noticing during last decade that half of my immigrant-friends’ mothers are either “overbearing tiger moms” or “incapacitating elements”.


I have a male friend who rides bikes and changed old models for new ones very often, to try new models. For some odd reason his father believes that Son buys new bikes because he crashes the old ones. Nothing convinces him otherwise, not sales receipts, not friends’ testimonies, not any other facts. Each time Father sees new bike, he says “crushed again? I always knew you live like an idiot except when you’re asleep”. Once I collected many DMV docs, showing “title transfers” for my friend’s bikes and brought it to the Father. Father looked at title transfers and said to me “you’re an idiot too, for spending so much time creating these fakes”.


Same Father refuses to acknowledge that his Son graduated from Stanford University, even when shows a copy of the diploma. This situation is beyond weird. Son did go to Junior College first 2 years, and then was accepted to Stanford with excellent GPA from a JCC. But Father only remembers “how his son had awful grades and dropped out of high-school, and HAD to go to JCC, since no decent college will take him”. He is convinced that universities like Stanford do not take high-school drop outs, and thinks the diploma from Stanford is also “Tinami’s another fake documents, because she is Russian and works with Russia, and all Russian business is fake”.


Same Father keeps remembering that his Son’s first wife “dumped him and was right to do so”. In fact my friend and his wife divorced amicably, because my friend finally recognized that he is interested in same-sex relationships, and his wife did not take it personally. They are now friends, and visit each others’ families. Once on an occasion she told Father “I did not leave your son, he asked for divorce”. Father said “why do you all lie to me? It does not change reality”.


This father is a mystery to me. He is educated, successful professional, his wife is alive and healthy, they travel, go the museums, theatre, both very intelligent people otherwise.


Another “mother” is a mystery to me. My own friend, and yet I despise how she treats her daughter sometimes. Every time her daughter wins something at school or in sports and comes home proud, the Mother never congratulates her, but rather says something like “I don’t expect any less, given all the money and time I spent on your training”, or “Well, you should have won the Math Challenge, all your nannies (the 4 grand-parents) are PhDs”.


When her daughter started making very beautiful and creative art-collages out of dry leaves, and Mother’s friends and relatives wanted to buy them, Mother would discourage them right in front of her daughter, saying “You don’t want this junk in your house, and you don’t need to buy it just to be polite”. When I wanted to buy two pictures, my friend (mother) told me “my daughter does not need charity and pretence that this child’s work worth money, she needs to study art seriously if she wants to be a commercial artist”.


Another female friend of mine, a concert pianist, has a Mother who tries to “keep her honest” when they are together at gatherings, parties and concerts. Not only Mother embarrasses her adult daughter, she sometimes interferes with her business, because she comes to most of her concerts and mingles with the crowd.


Once at a reception, after my friend’s concert, Mother overheard how her daughter is telling a group of people that Chopin is a big part of her piano repertoire. These people wanted to hire my friend to play at a corporate event. Mother came right over and said “The only Chopin you ever play is Noctrune #2”. Another time Mother overheard her daughter saying that she’s been playing piano since she was 6 years old. Mother immediately corrects her “that’s not true. I bought you your first piano when you were 9”. When my friend told a guy she just met and liked that she was 36 years old, Mother came over and corrected her “you’re 39 now to be exact, soon to be 40, in 5 weeks”.


Why the heck these parents do that? That defiles logic…… and INSTINCT. I stopped reading and seeking materials on the subject, because I have not found any reasonable explanations.

Very perplexing. It feels like the answer is somewhere in their cultural upbringing and them responding from fear of , to them, new ways of being. But that's probably a generalization. I do know that if I were any of these people, I would minimize contact in situations where serious damage could be done(such as ruining business opportunities, destroying relationships, etc.) and find ways to neutralize their impact. Families sure can push each others buttons like nobody else!

 

[Rob]

Thanks you for all who posted, reading your comments really comforted me and I can see that others go through the same feelings sometimes. My sister never made peace with Mom all the while she was in the hospital, didn't attend her funeral or come into town so we could support each other. I think she regrets it somewhat but never would acknowledge. She posted on her Facebook recently that someone she loved dearly was celebrating Christmas up in heaven. I can only surmise she meant our mother. She had many opportunities to speak with her on the phone when she was in the hospital and I was there, but she always refused. I am happy I went to see my mom a few days before her death and told her I loved her. I have two friends who know the circumstances: One is a friend of many years who suggested I go to the hospital and tell her I loved her just so that I wouldn't regret NOT doing so sometime in the future; the other friend, a psychologist, said she would suggest that I did NOT go to her considering how bad she treated me and my sister over the years.

I'm glad of my decision.

Perhaps you grieved the mother you didn't have during her life -- so now on her passing, maybe grief has been replaced by relief that she isn't suffering longer? I think it sounds like you are in a good place.

My mother was always a good mother, but at 92, she is suffering from a large number of minor ailments and isn't having a particularly good time. I am not sure whether I will grieve or be relieved when she goes.