Aerobicidal
Shut that door.
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Hello to all fan of IVANA!!! I have been busy with shopping and rejuvenation events in five star spa of Oceania, too busy to follow skating but catch up over last weekend. Today I interview ten important stars to recap their reactions to the six regular events of the Grand Prix season! You will be stunned and horrored by what they say!!!
Tamara Moskvina: I am 77 years from June, but never in life have I felt such energy and that is not only because I on occasion exchange liter of blood with Yuko Kawaguti I agree to so she morph into me in attempt to become full Russian. Just as Yuko have shoulder lose location and pop back in like real man, I feel brittle bone crack and use tape of the duct to repair and get back to one hand push up routine every morning while listen to “Eye of Tiger.” I demonstrate both man and woman place in lift so teams can learn classic position to never be mistaken for USA pair woman who look like broken back victim in lift and dog leaking onto hydrant in death spiral. I design and make outfit with giant red scarf to keep youth trendy for teams, Russia program is moving forward. I do not need candy or falling panty to achieve victory. To me success come from classic attitude and consume fourteen egg yolk and three pint of Baltika #9 Extra before sleep.
Max Aaron: This was utter and complete bullshit. I don’t know how many hand-, blow-, and other jobs Jason Brown and his peeps are giving to officials but that dude has panel after panel vigorously masturbating over that Simon and Garfunkel POS free skate. He doesn’t even like the ****ing music! He probably didn’t pick it himself! And let’s analyze what else he doesn’t have, and I’m not talking about that nasty ass ponytail he finally got rid of. There are no quads! I gave you quads on my legs, quads in my programs, dope ass Lion King techno funk and you treated me like chopped liver. And not even the bomb ass chopped liver from my great uncle Mort’s deli in central Phoenix. I skated my fantastic ass off for years and Sports ****ing Illustrated didn’t ask me to bare it. They asked Adam, that ****ing fame whore, and what is he doing now? Is he in a top business school on the trajectory to make bank on his own or is he trying to milk his so-called sass into fifteen more minutes of reality trash “fame”? I’m asking you, bitches!
Maxim Trankov: I do not choose to coach. I choose yellow pants, verbose comments on media stream, facial patch. Coach I do not know, do not want. They say take team who abuse candy and are laughed at for wet hot bother and make better. I do not understand. I want to raise child and take selfies for vampire hipster chic web fetish group. Why am I taken to events to coach, to sit, to pretend? Fate is beyond our comprehension. I suffer to create feeling in others.
Nathan Chen’s hair: Being at Yale is a total chiller, bro. I got my longboard and my tie dye poncho and when I tell dudes I’m a competitive athlete they think that means I rock at ultimate. Girls want to come smoke some bowls and check out my hacky sack and shit and I’m totally down for that, but my professors know I can rock a final exam harder than I rock these HUF weed socks. And if cat lady skating fans are clutching their nacre chokers because I like my doobie and I cop drug rugs and fitted vests in equal doses, that isn’t going to harsh my mellow.
Alexei Mishin: Two ladies in Grand Prix final make me so happy I consider getting new shirt to wear for it. Yes, this is face I make when happy. Do not understand why you have doubting it still.
Ashley Wagner: I am furious! First, Mishin has two ladies with the least believable sass I’ve seen since Rachael Flatt skated to Slaughter on Tenth Avenue getting insane PCS scores. I mean, I did more transitions in the emptiest version of my Moulin Rouge! Program than either of them can do but did I get that kind of appreciation from the judges? Could I have mimicked posing for paparazzi and putting on lipstick and talking a selfie with a selfie stick and putting lipstick on my lipstick and blowing kisses to Adam Rippon even though he was ignoring me, his BFF, to “network” in the bathrooms of clubs all over West Hollywood? You bet your ass I could have, and I did, but nobody appreciate it. And now we have sonograms in size like Satoko and in age like the emaciated brunette children of the corn coming out of Russian factories. Sonograms will be replaced by oocytes and it’s all some Benjamin Button bullshit and I am not having it! I am furious!
Nina Mozer: People ask to me, what is best part of being retired. I say when Montserrat Caballé was my age she claim to retire but perform for twenty more years. She have role of keeper of homestead flame to family but go to stage to scream beautiful and engage in acts that result in nation of Azerbaijan banning her. Stolbova have same situation after making face of bitch during meet’n’greet event in Baku. Azerbaijan is terrible country where they call woman who prefer short hair and poncho “Dutch sea wall.” I am not like women of China who never age even though must be under twenty to be hurled in air by Hao Zhang. I am not like homosexual man who cannot have romantic connection on ice with lady. I will retire to Andorra, commit fraud of taxes and discover new ponchos and hairdos. But for now, I retire by coach and attend competition still.
Ross Miner: Man, I wish I could be on the podiums at these events. Or even near the podiums. I just want to dust off my Macklemore pleather and get very whitely funky one more time. For the people! The adoring fans. Did you know someone even started an Instagram account to try to get me sent to the Olympics? It had like three to five followers. I don’t do the social media but I heard about it and I appreciate the shit out of that. Nathan and Vincent and Shoma and Yuzuru—these are some good quality dudes skating their hearts out like I did and, if I can’t be there with them in person, I am there in spirit. I am rooting for all of you. I just want a fair sport where people don't get treated like I did ever again. My dreams were crushed like a kitten rolled over by an enormous bulldozer but that’s competitive sports for you. Now excuse me as I have tickets to see Owl City live tonight.
Deniss Vasiljevs’ yellow pants: We are young (but legal)! Heartache to heartache we stand (brightly and yellowly)! No promises, no demands (actually, a few of both, especially the latter)! Love is a daddy field!
Eteri Tutberidze: Hello Ivana, love you but I am busy to say much as must add regimental system of laser beam and video cam that take hi-tech foto in so to ensure security of jump and no twelve years old girl again try to escape Sambo. I give you hippy hoppy only:
If person cannot take Eteri heat
They do not have chance to compete
Rigor of Eteri is true uncanny
If you don’t follow, suffer like Janny
I give you quad, help you win race
You move so fast, opposite of my face
Tamara Moskvina: I am 77 years from June, but never in life have I felt such energy and that is not only because I on occasion exchange liter of blood with Yuko Kawaguti I agree to so she morph into me in attempt to become full Russian. Just as Yuko have shoulder lose location and pop back in like real man, I feel brittle bone crack and use tape of the duct to repair and get back to one hand push up routine every morning while listen to “Eye of Tiger.” I demonstrate both man and woman place in lift so teams can learn classic position to never be mistaken for USA pair woman who look like broken back victim in lift and dog leaking onto hydrant in death spiral. I design and make outfit with giant red scarf to keep youth trendy for teams, Russia program is moving forward. I do not need candy or falling panty to achieve victory. To me success come from classic attitude and consume fourteen egg yolk and three pint of Baltika #9 Extra before sleep.
Max Aaron: This was utter and complete bullshit. I don’t know how many hand-, blow-, and other jobs Jason Brown and his peeps are giving to officials but that dude has panel after panel vigorously masturbating over that Simon and Garfunkel POS free skate. He doesn’t even like the ****ing music! He probably didn’t pick it himself! And let’s analyze what else he doesn’t have, and I’m not talking about that nasty ass ponytail he finally got rid of. There are no quads! I gave you quads on my legs, quads in my programs, dope ass Lion King techno funk and you treated me like chopped liver. And not even the bomb ass chopped liver from my great uncle Mort’s deli in central Phoenix. I skated my fantastic ass off for years and Sports ****ing Illustrated didn’t ask me to bare it. They asked Adam, that ****ing fame whore, and what is he doing now? Is he in a top business school on the trajectory to make bank on his own or is he trying to milk his so-called sass into fifteen more minutes of reality trash “fame”? I’m asking you, bitches!
Maxim Trankov: I do not choose to coach. I choose yellow pants, verbose comments on media stream, facial patch. Coach I do not know, do not want. They say take team who abuse candy and are laughed at for wet hot bother and make better. I do not understand. I want to raise child and take selfies for vampire hipster chic web fetish group. Why am I taken to events to coach, to sit, to pretend? Fate is beyond our comprehension. I suffer to create feeling in others.
Nathan Chen’s hair: Being at Yale is a total chiller, bro. I got my longboard and my tie dye poncho and when I tell dudes I’m a competitive athlete they think that means I rock at ultimate. Girls want to come smoke some bowls and check out my hacky sack and shit and I’m totally down for that, but my professors know I can rock a final exam harder than I rock these HUF weed socks. And if cat lady skating fans are clutching their nacre chokers because I like my doobie and I cop drug rugs and fitted vests in equal doses, that isn’t going to harsh my mellow.
Alexei Mishin: Two ladies in Grand Prix final make me so happy I consider getting new shirt to wear for it. Yes, this is face I make when happy. Do not understand why you have doubting it still.
Ashley Wagner: I am furious! First, Mishin has two ladies with the least believable sass I’ve seen since Rachael Flatt skated to Slaughter on Tenth Avenue getting insane PCS scores. I mean, I did more transitions in the emptiest version of my Moulin Rouge! Program than either of them can do but did I get that kind of appreciation from the judges? Could I have mimicked posing for paparazzi and putting on lipstick and talking a selfie with a selfie stick and putting lipstick on my lipstick and blowing kisses to Adam Rippon even though he was ignoring me, his BFF, to “network” in the bathrooms of clubs all over West Hollywood? You bet your ass I could have, and I did, but nobody appreciate it. And now we have sonograms in size like Satoko and in age like the emaciated brunette children of the corn coming out of Russian factories. Sonograms will be replaced by oocytes and it’s all some Benjamin Button bullshit and I am not having it! I am furious!
Nina Mozer: People ask to me, what is best part of being retired. I say when Montserrat Caballé was my age she claim to retire but perform for twenty more years. She have role of keeper of homestead flame to family but go to stage to scream beautiful and engage in acts that result in nation of Azerbaijan banning her. Stolbova have same situation after making face of bitch during meet’n’greet event in Baku. Azerbaijan is terrible country where they call woman who prefer short hair and poncho “Dutch sea wall.” I am not like women of China who never age even though must be under twenty to be hurled in air by Hao Zhang. I am not like homosexual man who cannot have romantic connection on ice with lady. I will retire to Andorra, commit fraud of taxes and discover new ponchos and hairdos. But for now, I retire by coach and attend competition still.
Ross Miner: Man, I wish I could be on the podiums at these events. Or even near the podiums. I just want to dust off my Macklemore pleather and get very whitely funky one more time. For the people! The adoring fans. Did you know someone even started an Instagram account to try to get me sent to the Olympics? It had like three to five followers. I don’t do the social media but I heard about it and I appreciate the shit out of that. Nathan and Vincent and Shoma and Yuzuru—these are some good quality dudes skating their hearts out like I did and, if I can’t be there with them in person, I am there in spirit. I am rooting for all of you. I just want a fair sport where people don't get treated like I did ever again. My dreams were crushed like a kitten rolled over by an enormous bulldozer but that’s competitive sports for you. Now excuse me as I have tickets to see Owl City live tonight.
Deniss Vasiljevs’ yellow pants: We are young (but legal)! Heartache to heartache we stand (brightly and yellowly)! No promises, no demands (actually, a few of both, especially the latter)! Love is a daddy field!
Eteri Tutberidze: Hello Ivana, love you but I am busy to say much as must add regimental system of laser beam and video cam that take hi-tech foto in so to ensure security of jump and no twelve years old girl again try to escape Sambo. I give you hippy hoppy only:
If person cannot take Eteri heat
They do not have chance to compete
Rigor of Eteri is true uncanny
If you don’t follow, suffer like Janny
I give you quad, help you win race
You move so fast, opposite of my face
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