Aerobicidal
Shut that door.
- Messages
- 11,147
Elvis Stojko: There’s something deliciously manly about the number of quadruple jumps being attempted, and completed, in men’s figure skating today. There’s nothing effeminate about the quad, just like there’s nothing effeminate about taking in the gorgeous sight of a pair of beefy, toned thighs on a wholesome Asian or Asian-American teenager. The tight pants that show off every curve, every concavity, every ripple of their haunches, the fruits of hours and hours of thrust and squats in a sweaty health club, and after working out they’ll strip down to a jockstrap and an Egyptian cotton towelette and head to the sauna for a Turkish steam bath . . . God, I wish I were still competing in this manly, heterosexual sport from which effeminate and homosexual skaters should not be totally obliterated. Just partially.
Judge Judith Sheindlin: Don’t try to tell me that some small Japanese kid has a chance at convincing these eminently qualified judges he should win! You think Shoma Uno isn’t guilty of pre-rotating and under-rotating his quads worse than Joe Brown padded his resume to try to compete with me? Bullshit! Don’t do three and a half rotations right in front of my eyes and tell me it’s a quad! I’ve had it with these pathetic “artistic” programs that are really just flailing and noodling! If I wanted noodles, I’d go to my corner deli and ask for the best piece of kugel they had. I’ve been on this earth far too long to believe that a schmuck like Fernandez can pretend to be Elvis Presley and get away with it—petty larceny, my lusciously-robed heinie! Judgment is for the tragically underestimated Max Aaron and his triumphant tukhus. Anyone who doesn’t want a piece of that is farkakte!
Tatiana Tarasova: In 2014, Russian choreography bring new combination of old and new to figure skating. It remind me of famous proverb I learn as schoolgirl: If old bear do not want to learn new trick, put them on the figure skates and attach liter of vodka to stick held in front of head. This is what bring successes to Sotnikova, and now Kovtun learn that best path to medal is not using social media to compare the male skaters of Japan to homosexuals but instead become keeper of the hitchhiker flame in modern avant-garde dance explosion beauty program. Hips of Joubert make me have dairy flood down below but now I wish for all European skater success with Kovtun most likely to medal.
Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles): Figure skating is radical! Grab a slice of your most bodacious ‘za and get ready for some totally tubular jumps from the dudes. We’ve got American dude Nathan Chen, who’s totally into skateboarding and shreds on the ice as tubularly as he does on the concrete. Awesome! And then there are two dudes from Japan with totally awesome anime style that even Shuki Levy couldn’t replicate! They’re all like totally awesome Italian artists only with gnarly ice styles, and since the Italian dude kind of sucks pepperoni balls, I’m betting all my Dominos money that the podium is gonna be awesomely Asian because they’ve got the brains and they just say no to drugs! Turtle power, dudes!
Pasha Grishuk: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to all Asian skaters when you turn legal age to view pictures of landing strip of Pasha available on trucker hat and other wonderful merchandises on my internet web link site, happy birthday to you! I am have more successes, more fames than Marilyn Monroe and much more than evil criminal Oksana. She is nothing, soaped up pathetic piece of past history but Pasha will return and present “Memorial Requiem 2018” to all person of Korea Olympics. For men champion I will say Jason Brown of U.S.A. because he have long hair as classic Russia skater and also similar to them I imagine he appreciate elegant soft nude photo of Pasha. Silver I select Misha Ge, because also remind of male lover from past of Pasha. Please log onto website download Pasha merchandise--special low prices cannot be defeated just as Evgeni and I for four years of competition.
Caitlin Upton (Miss South Carolina Teen USA 2007): I personally believe that U.S. American skaters have been unable to defeat the Japan because, uh, some judges in our nation don’t have eyesight and, uh, choose artists like the Abbott and the Ribbon to represent U.S. Americans at world events. I believe that our Chen, like such as the Hanyu and, uh, the Japan, everywhere like such as, or, the Spain and the Borat country are like, uk, the quads. Our skating should help the U.S. and not the China, or, should help the Korea and the Finland, and the Australian countries, so we will be able to get the three spots for the U.S. America in the Korea, for our children. Is there, like, a skater from the Iraq?
Meagan Duhamel: My body is a temple, but it’s also a garden. I believe in the power of cruciferous vegetables, of those leafy treasures that pop up in the soil and then we pop into our mouths to nourish ourselves in a holistic manner. Just last weekend, I was having vegan brunch with the dog I rescued from the Korean dog meat industry and the cat I rescued from the Vietnamese cat meat industry and the lobster I rescued from the American seafood industry and the goat I rescued from the Pakistani goat meat industry and I had the most delectable tempeh reuben with cashew sour cream on sprouted legume loaf and it was almost as great as when Eric and I won Worlds twice in a row just to prove that all you haters are ****ed-up carnivore hosers who will die of gout and cholesterol poisoning. [next 3000 words edited for brevity]
Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel: After witnessing the dialectical movement of powerful forces in the turbulent history of politics, it is clear that the angst produced by the East/West binary has transformed into, first, a thesis reflecting a new universal which is a people, a group of quadruple-capable skaters in general, an existent whole, the universal force. This quad force synthesizes insurmountable strength against the individual male skater, but is also his necessity and the power oppressing him. The strength that Nathan Chen has in his being-recognized is that of a people. This, however, is effective only insofar as it is united into a unity, only as champion. The universal will is the will as that of all and each, but as will it is simply this Chen alone. The activity of the Chen is a unity. The universal will has to gather Chen into this unity. It has first to constitute Chen as a universal will, out of the will of individuals, so that Chen appears as the principle and element. Yet on the other hand the universal Chen is primary and the essence – and individuals have to make Chen into the universal Chen through the negation of their own Chen, in externalization and cultivation. The universal Chen is prior to them, it is absolutely there for Chen – they are in no way immediately the product of exterior shocks.
Ivana's Predictions:
Gold: Nathan Chen
Silver: Yuzuru Hanyu
Bronze: Maxim Kovtun
Fourth: Mikhail Kolyada
Fifth: Moris Kvitelashvili
Sixth: Larry Loupolover
Judge Judith Sheindlin: Don’t try to tell me that some small Japanese kid has a chance at convincing these eminently qualified judges he should win! You think Shoma Uno isn’t guilty of pre-rotating and under-rotating his quads worse than Joe Brown padded his resume to try to compete with me? Bullshit! Don’t do three and a half rotations right in front of my eyes and tell me it’s a quad! I’ve had it with these pathetic “artistic” programs that are really just flailing and noodling! If I wanted noodles, I’d go to my corner deli and ask for the best piece of kugel they had. I’ve been on this earth far too long to believe that a schmuck like Fernandez can pretend to be Elvis Presley and get away with it—petty larceny, my lusciously-robed heinie! Judgment is for the tragically underestimated Max Aaron and his triumphant tukhus. Anyone who doesn’t want a piece of that is farkakte!
Tatiana Tarasova: In 2014, Russian choreography bring new combination of old and new to figure skating. It remind me of famous proverb I learn as schoolgirl: If old bear do not want to learn new trick, put them on the figure skates and attach liter of vodka to stick held in front of head. This is what bring successes to Sotnikova, and now Kovtun learn that best path to medal is not using social media to compare the male skaters of Japan to homosexuals but instead become keeper of the hitchhiker flame in modern avant-garde dance explosion beauty program. Hips of Joubert make me have dairy flood down below but now I wish for all European skater success with Kovtun most likely to medal.
Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles): Figure skating is radical! Grab a slice of your most bodacious ‘za and get ready for some totally tubular jumps from the dudes. We’ve got American dude Nathan Chen, who’s totally into skateboarding and shreds on the ice as tubularly as he does on the concrete. Awesome! And then there are two dudes from Japan with totally awesome anime style that even Shuki Levy couldn’t replicate! They’re all like totally awesome Italian artists only with gnarly ice styles, and since the Italian dude kind of sucks pepperoni balls, I’m betting all my Dominos money that the podium is gonna be awesomely Asian because they’ve got the brains and they just say no to drugs! Turtle power, dudes!
Pasha Grishuk: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to all Asian skaters when you turn legal age to view pictures of landing strip of Pasha available on trucker hat and other wonderful merchandises on my internet web link site, happy birthday to you! I am have more successes, more fames than Marilyn Monroe and much more than evil criminal Oksana. She is nothing, soaped up pathetic piece of past history but Pasha will return and present “Memorial Requiem 2018” to all person of Korea Olympics. For men champion I will say Jason Brown of U.S.A. because he have long hair as classic Russia skater and also similar to them I imagine he appreciate elegant soft nude photo of Pasha. Silver I select Misha Ge, because also remind of male lover from past of Pasha. Please log onto website download Pasha merchandise--special low prices cannot be defeated just as Evgeni and I for four years of competition.
Caitlin Upton (Miss South Carolina Teen USA 2007): I personally believe that U.S. American skaters have been unable to defeat the Japan because, uh, some judges in our nation don’t have eyesight and, uh, choose artists like the Abbott and the Ribbon to represent U.S. Americans at world events. I believe that our Chen, like such as the Hanyu and, uh, the Japan, everywhere like such as, or, the Spain and the Borat country are like, uk, the quads. Our skating should help the U.S. and not the China, or, should help the Korea and the Finland, and the Australian countries, so we will be able to get the three spots for the U.S. America in the Korea, for our children. Is there, like, a skater from the Iraq?
Meagan Duhamel: My body is a temple, but it’s also a garden. I believe in the power of cruciferous vegetables, of those leafy treasures that pop up in the soil and then we pop into our mouths to nourish ourselves in a holistic manner. Just last weekend, I was having vegan brunch with the dog I rescued from the Korean dog meat industry and the cat I rescued from the Vietnamese cat meat industry and the lobster I rescued from the American seafood industry and the goat I rescued from the Pakistani goat meat industry and I had the most delectable tempeh reuben with cashew sour cream on sprouted legume loaf and it was almost as great as when Eric and I won Worlds twice in a row just to prove that all you haters are ****ed-up carnivore hosers who will die of gout and cholesterol poisoning. [next 3000 words edited for brevity]
Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel: After witnessing the dialectical movement of powerful forces in the turbulent history of politics, it is clear that the angst produced by the East/West binary has transformed into, first, a thesis reflecting a new universal which is a people, a group of quadruple-capable skaters in general, an existent whole, the universal force. This quad force synthesizes insurmountable strength against the individual male skater, but is also his necessity and the power oppressing him. The strength that Nathan Chen has in his being-recognized is that of a people. This, however, is effective only insofar as it is united into a unity, only as champion. The universal will is the will as that of all and each, but as will it is simply this Chen alone. The activity of the Chen is a unity. The universal will has to gather Chen into this unity. It has first to constitute Chen as a universal will, out of the will of individuals, so that Chen appears as the principle and element. Yet on the other hand the universal Chen is primary and the essence – and individuals have to make Chen into the universal Chen through the negation of their own Chen, in externalization and cultivation. The universal Chen is prior to them, it is absolutely there for Chen – they are in no way immediately the product of exterior shocks.
Ivana's Predictions:
Gold: Nathan Chen
Silver: Yuzuru Hanyu
Bronze: Maxim Kovtun
Fourth: Mikhail Kolyada
Fifth: Moris Kvitelashvili
Sixth: Larry Loupolover
a Larry Loupolover shout out from Ivana!
ing. 
Had me in stitches! Ivanna read more predictions like this!
So right! But when will the judges wake-up from Uno's mesmerizingly flowy, dream-like hypnosis and open their eyes?! 
Mostly in figure skating no one always get what dey want anyways, eh.
