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Ivana Komova’s interview with Anna Tsareva for serenity.ru:
IK: Russian Orthodox New Year isn’t for over a week, but your thirty-eighth birthday was on the first day of 2017.
AT: Are you calling me old? Look, I may be older than you, but I haven’t seen so many accessories from last season Chanel since I visit their shop in Tashkent! Your bag is from resort collection—it’s January and you resort to that?! Ha! Anyway, my birthday every year I wake up and think, I hate the world today. This comes from reality of becoming older, but now cosmetics are powerful weapon in struggle with reality.
IK: How do you celebrate your birthday?
AT: I’d celebrate it now by slapping you, but I don’t want to get scent of world’s oldest profession all over my hand. But really I walk through center of Moscow screaming at idiot children on the street. I say to them, “Shut your speech holes! If I wanted to smell a fart, I would consume 125 milliliters of prune juice.” Then, I instead eat shake of strained yogurt and beets and go to rifle range with Adoniev. This year we shoot the shit out of targets in shape of Boston judges who prefer the aged U.S.A. tank Wagner over Anya.
IK: Although she only finished fourth at Russian nationals, Pogorilaya will almost certainly compete in a rematch with Wagner in Helsinki.
AT: When your mother got pregnant, she say to your father this is worst accident since Chernobyl. And he say to her, your habits put “crack” into Krakatoa! But answer to your question depends on U.S. nationals. Earlier this season judges award UR marks to Sotskova, but suddenly she becomes bronzed in Cheylabinsk. Adoniev thought it was smarter to become bronzed before event, but that is his priority.
IK: In a recent interview, Sotskova said even beating Medvedeva is possible for her. Do you think the same is true for Anna?
AT: The 1980s called and said they want hair back. Also, prostitute shop called and said they want lowest cost worker back! So, on one cheek, I do not believe everything is possible in sport. Medvedeva may seem innocent and sweet, but her grandmother carries shiv and as they say, evil witch child does not fall far from tree of Baba Yaga. Don’t believe me, you find the small gift collecting skaters and ask whether they rather face Evgenia or Yulia in black square at night. But on other cheek, I choose a different solution, or injection.
IK: In the past you’ve said that Pogorilaya is a strong student, very mature, yet sometimes challenging to work with. However, this season she finally lands jumps consistently.
AT: Yes, it is no secret that our verbal attacks upon each other were resemble a cross between a Dostoyevsky novel and U.S.A. TV show Morrie Po Bitch. When she have spectacular fall on jump again and again, I would say to her, “You do know me mother****er, and you also know Ksusha Makarova can still walk after her career of falling more times than total number of characters in Brothers Karamazov! Now get up and jump again or I make you perform to ‘Thump the Tub’ by evil British anarchistic music group!”
IK: Wow!
AT: And then she say to me, “Talk to the hand because the face would rather prefer not to listen to your tirades which are less coherent than dying words of Katerina Ivanovna!” And I say to her, “At least I have a face and not just lump of skin and hair caused by my mouth expelling vomit all up in this place!” Then Adoniev try to interfere and I say to him, “This is A B conversation so C your way out!” This is first five to six percent of usual fight sequence.
IK: But you finally worked things out?
AT: Eventually, yes. But first she would compare me to Gogol character Viy, and I say to her, “If I am such a demon, why do I not turn you into a jar of pickled herring and give to Tarasova to eat during commentating?” Really, I am not demon, but angel undercover.
IK: How is Anna’s relationships with her choreographers this season?
AT: How is your relationship with your pimp? Anna and choreographers are cool. They do what they do but in unusual ways. First, she seek out Misha Ge for short program. Ge is controversial figure in Russia, but his work and music choice embodies sense of class, elegance, and of course timelessness. Also, was news to me but apparently I am a very important figure for Ge. You might even call me a Ge icon!
IK: Did Anna ever fight with him?
AT: Hell to no! After long hours of work, they settle down to drink low-calorie Mors and have slumber party with episodes of Homosexual Eye for Male Breeder. Also Anya is fan of Way to Run the Project and of course all movies of Andrei Tarkovsky. Yet her relationship with Nikolai Morosov, who created equally class free program, is as turbulent as fashion and makeup history of Aljona Leonova.
IK: That’s surprising. He usually he gets along so well with teenage girls.
AT: One of whom you haven’t been for decades, or centuries if we look at seeming age of eye wrinkles. Nikolai demand different things from different skaters, but he uses Russian hands and Roman fingers to demonstrate and Anna does not appreciate. She calls him Humbert Humbert but he thinks that is modern version of lovable arcade game thing Q-bert. I am just glad it is not homosexual character from Open Sesame Street, propaganda for U.S. children.
IK: Along those lines, Pogoliya often performs provocative programs like her "Tango in a Madhouse" and “Rise Like a Phoenix” in exhibitions. Will she someday take such risks in competitive routines?
AT: Even if I knew answer to that, I would never tell you. Instead I will tell you if Karl Lagerfeld met you he would scream, force you to take off his designs, and have you made into small-wasted cagoule Eteri Tutberidze would acquire and wear in Helsinki.
IK: Russian Orthodox New Year isn’t for over a week, but your thirty-eighth birthday was on the first day of 2017.
AT: Are you calling me old? Look, I may be older than you, but I haven’t seen so many accessories from last season Chanel since I visit their shop in Tashkent! Your bag is from resort collection—it’s January and you resort to that?! Ha! Anyway, my birthday every year I wake up and think, I hate the world today. This comes from reality of becoming older, but now cosmetics are powerful weapon in struggle with reality.
IK: How do you celebrate your birthday?
AT: I’d celebrate it now by slapping you, but I don’t want to get scent of world’s oldest profession all over my hand. But really I walk through center of Moscow screaming at idiot children on the street. I say to them, “Shut your speech holes! If I wanted to smell a fart, I would consume 125 milliliters of prune juice.” Then, I instead eat shake of strained yogurt and beets and go to rifle range with Adoniev. This year we shoot the shit out of targets in shape of Boston judges who prefer the aged U.S.A. tank Wagner over Anya.
IK: Although she only finished fourth at Russian nationals, Pogorilaya will almost certainly compete in a rematch with Wagner in Helsinki.
AT: When your mother got pregnant, she say to your father this is worst accident since Chernobyl. And he say to her, your habits put “crack” into Krakatoa! But answer to your question depends on U.S. nationals. Earlier this season judges award UR marks to Sotskova, but suddenly she becomes bronzed in Cheylabinsk. Adoniev thought it was smarter to become bronzed before event, but that is his priority.
IK: In a recent interview, Sotskova said even beating Medvedeva is possible for her. Do you think the same is true for Anna?
AT: The 1980s called and said they want hair back. Also, prostitute shop called and said they want lowest cost worker back! So, on one cheek, I do not believe everything is possible in sport. Medvedeva may seem innocent and sweet, but her grandmother carries shiv and as they say, evil witch child does not fall far from tree of Baba Yaga. Don’t believe me, you find the small gift collecting skaters and ask whether they rather face Evgenia or Yulia in black square at night. But on other cheek, I choose a different solution, or injection.
IK: In the past you’ve said that Pogorilaya is a strong student, very mature, yet sometimes challenging to work with. However, this season she finally lands jumps consistently.
AT: Yes, it is no secret that our verbal attacks upon each other were resemble a cross between a Dostoyevsky novel and U.S.A. TV show Morrie Po Bitch. When she have spectacular fall on jump again and again, I would say to her, “You do know me mother****er, and you also know Ksusha Makarova can still walk after her career of falling more times than total number of characters in Brothers Karamazov! Now get up and jump again or I make you perform to ‘Thump the Tub’ by evil British anarchistic music group!”
IK: Wow!
AT: And then she say to me, “Talk to the hand because the face would rather prefer not to listen to your tirades which are less coherent than dying words of Katerina Ivanovna!” And I say to her, “At least I have a face and not just lump of skin and hair caused by my mouth expelling vomit all up in this place!” Then Adoniev try to interfere and I say to him, “This is A B conversation so C your way out!” This is first five to six percent of usual fight sequence.
IK: But you finally worked things out?
AT: Eventually, yes. But first she would compare me to Gogol character Viy, and I say to her, “If I am such a demon, why do I not turn you into a jar of pickled herring and give to Tarasova to eat during commentating?” Really, I am not demon, but angel undercover.
IK: How is Anna’s relationships with her choreographers this season?
AT: How is your relationship with your pimp? Anna and choreographers are cool. They do what they do but in unusual ways. First, she seek out Misha Ge for short program. Ge is controversial figure in Russia, but his work and music choice embodies sense of class, elegance, and of course timelessness. Also, was news to me but apparently I am a very important figure for Ge. You might even call me a Ge icon!
IK: Did Anna ever fight with him?
AT: Hell to no! After long hours of work, they settle down to drink low-calorie Mors and have slumber party with episodes of Homosexual Eye for Male Breeder. Also Anya is fan of Way to Run the Project and of course all movies of Andrei Tarkovsky. Yet her relationship with Nikolai Morosov, who created equally class free program, is as turbulent as fashion and makeup history of Aljona Leonova.
IK: That’s surprising. He usually he gets along so well with teenage girls.
AT: One of whom you haven’t been for decades, or centuries if we look at seeming age of eye wrinkles. Nikolai demand different things from different skaters, but he uses Russian hands and Roman fingers to demonstrate and Anna does not appreciate. She calls him Humbert Humbert but he thinks that is modern version of lovable arcade game thing Q-bert. I am just glad it is not homosexual character from Open Sesame Street, propaganda for U.S. children.
IK: Along those lines, Pogoliya often performs provocative programs like her "Tango in a Madhouse" and “Rise Like a Phoenix” in exhibitions. Will she someday take such risks in competitive routines?
AT: Even if I knew answer to that, I would never tell you. Instead I will tell you if Karl Lagerfeld met you he would scream, force you to take off his designs, and have you made into small-wasted cagoule Eteri Tutberidze would acquire and wear in Helsinki.
as usual.
"as they say, evil witch child does not fall far from tree of Baba Yaga."
