Not with the love of your life

[meggonzo]

What else could it be except she was in love with me and didn't know how I deeply I was in love with her?

Or she's not in love with you and you creeped her out.

If you were such good friends, wouldn't she have at least sent you a friend request on Facebook by now?

 

[VGThuy]

Well, she did what she did. She moved on and married someone else right? Since she’s the one who cut you off, let her be the one to initiate contact if that’s what she wants.

 

[ToFarAwayTimes]

We are really getting a crowd in this thread now. That's why therapists are overrated. You overpay for one person's opinion, when instead you can post about your life with strangers on an internet forum, and get MANY different opinions.

And it's free too, except for a little embarrassment.

 

[VGThuy]

Yeah but I bet a therapist would be a lot more qualified and useful to give you advice.

 

[Erin]

The only times I can think of when I "wanted one thing and said another" is when I wanted to get rid of a guy and either was too indirect or tried to do so gently/politely in an attempt to not hurt his feelings. Usually to my detriment. And that's a very commonly told story among the women I know. Reading between the lines, maybe that's her version of what happened here.

Anyway, I liked your persona better when you were wondering about whether we should call Eteri "The Madame" - that seemed like a healthier obsession. Maybe go back to worrying about that instead?

 

[Susan1]

All - I married a man who broke up with me after I had the dress and church and invitations (not sent) and all that junk and then started calling me on our not-wedding day (and sending flowers to my office while I was on vacation) and would not leave me alone. I called his mother, who hated me, to tell her to tell him to stop. She did. He didn't. No scary dangerous stalker thing here............ But I got tired of him bugging me, so we got married at the Miamisburg courthouse. It lasted 2 years of neglect and verbal abuse. He just wanted to "be" married. At least I got my Sadie when we got divorced. He married someone else less than a year later. They got divorced 6 years later. She took everything, literally, out of their house and left. They remarried two years later, according to his daughter who I was still friends with, because neither one could find anyone else.

OP - this is not a Hallmark movie. Move along.

 

[hanca]

She did mean to block me completely out of her life, but as hanca said:

(Quoting me)

That’s again your interpretation of what I said. I will clarify - the fact that she wanted you to kiss her (and possibly at that time wanted to have ‘something’ with you), doesn’t mean that she wasn’t serious when she said she was not willing to split up with him. Which means, she said exactly what she wanted. She wanted you and him. Maybe she wanted to have 2 boyfriends, or maybe you were supposed to be just a bit on the side, just a bit of sex while she was waiting for her boyfriend. I can’t see how she was saying one thing and meaning other thing. To me she was saying exactly what she wanted and you didn’t like it, and that’s why you interpret it your own way.

 

[hanca]

We are really getting a crowd in this thread now. That's why therapists are overrated. You overpay for one person's opinion, when instead you can post about your life with strangers on an internet forum, and get MANY different opinions.

And it's free too, except for a little embarrassment.

Sometimes a few sessions with the therapist is a good investment for the future.
I am all for being frugal at some things, but this is definitely not one of them!

 

[ToFarAwayTimes]

All - I married a man who broke up with me after I had the dress and church and invitations (not sent) and all that junk and then started calling me on our not-wedding day (and sending flowers to my office while I was on vacation) and would not leave me alone. I called his mother, who hated me, to tell her to tell him to stop. She did. He didn't. No scary dangerous stalker thing here............ But I got tired of him bugging me, so we got married at the Miamisburg courthouse. It lasted 2 years of neglect and verbal abuse. He just wanted to "be" married. At least I got my Sadie when we got divorced. He married someone else less than a year later. They got divorced 6 years later. She took everything, literally, out of their house and left. They remarried two years later, according to his daughter who I was still friends with, because neither one could find anyone else.

As with Mrs. Japanfan, thank you for sharing your story.

 

[Spun Silver]

I think it might be a good idea to think about not who, but what you really really want in life. If you're forty now, sixty will come faster than you think. Where do you want to live and grow old? Do you want kids and grandkids? Do you want to retire young? What qualities in a mate matter most to you? If you're 65 or 75 with serious health problems, are you OK with government health care workers taking care of you or do you hope a committed wife will be there for you because you've been there for her? Do you think you will have regrets in old age if none of your real desires come to pass because you pined after someone unavailable instead of looking for a wonderful woman who's available now?

Then think about how likely you are to find all or any of these things with Mrs True Love. From the outside, it seems unlikely from what you've said. For example, you said you want children with her. But what about the four she already has? If you imagine she'll walk away from them, think again.

I understand your situation, sort of, having wasted too many years longing for unavailable people and treating available ones badly. I was incredibly stubborn too. I'm not sure anyone could have gotten through to me with words like the ones being addressed to you now, but for your sake, I hope they will get through to you before it's too late.

 

[moebius]

The night she wanted me to kiss her and I wouldn't because she was staying in a weird long distance relationship with someone else.

So, maybe she thought you rejected her and feels awkward.

 

[syzygy]

I beg you to get a therapist. And I'm not saying that to be mean; I'm in therapy myself. I'm just as much, if not more, of a mess than you, just in different ways.

You're letting something that happened 17 years ago dictate your life. These are the types of memories that most 40 year olds I know joke about. They don't fantasize about what could of been with some person they barely knew.

No one on an internet forum about figure skating is giving you professional advice. Therapists are trained for things like this.

 

[ToFarAwayTimes]

Spun Silver, thanks for your thoughtful post. The good news is that I'm more than capable of withstanding an all-out assault by the FSU user base, however my intention with this thread was for other people to share their experiences, if they had any, good or bad, like Mrs. Japanfan and Susan1 did. My personal story was just a good thread starter.

I've had a lot of time to think about my situation very clearly, and my thoughts are:

1) we were close friends for a couple years and there was a great love (both ways) that was never acted upon
2) something happened that caused her to disappear on me
3) at first I panicked, then I was depressed, then I was mad at her for a couple years, but maybe I was the one to blame and she felt the same way towards me. miscommunication can happen especially at that age
4) i don't think she knew i loved her and still love her as profoundly as i do
5) if we met again today, her perspective as a 30-something woman in a 12+ year marriage with four young children, I'm sure would be quite different than mine

So maybe I'm just a guy from her past and she's perfectly content with her life now and would have no interest in seeing me again. Maybe she always felt some pain or hole in her heart about us, the way I feel, and would be happy for some kind of closure and reconciliation, but would not change anything else because she's happy with her life and family. Maybe there would be a rekindling of intense romantic desire, but she would only want an affair, and I would tell her no, she can either be with me or not be with me, I won't share her with any other man. Maybe she would want to, but feel like she couldn't because of her children. And of course there's a very small chance that it would happen between us somehow and work out.

I can't know which of those outcomes will happen, unless I contact her one day. Today is not that day, but I don't want to wait too long either. I would only approach her if I could tip the scales dramatically in my favor, already knowing all the reasons why she wouldn't want to change anything beforehand.

 

[ToFarAwayTimes]

I think it might be a good idea to think about not who, but what you really really want in life. If you're forty now, sixty will come faster than you think. Where do you want to live and grow old? Do you want kids and grandkids? Do you want to retire young? What qualities in a mate matter most to you? If you're 65 or 75 with serious health problems, are you OK with government health care workers taking care of you or do you hope a committed wife will be there for you because you've been there for her?

Here's the thing. The love I'm talking about was so profound, I cannot just settle for any random woman who happens to be merely acceptable and maybe likes the same food as me. I'm not that kind of man. I'm past that stage of my life. I tried that with my ex-girlfriend, who I love and is a very sweet girl, but my memories with her occupy that place in my heart, and there's not any room left in there.

At my age, I know full well what kind of man I am by now, and I know there never will be.

Do you think you will have regrets in old age

I have regrets now. I'm terrified of not reconciling with her. It's her choice but I will try as hard as I can until the end of my life. I have to focus on myself right now, not so I can heal and move on, which isn't going to happen, but because I'm competing against her marriage (not her children). Men have ways of winning women over, through action and deed, romantic gestures, money, power, success, prestige, offering them things and opportunities they (and their children) don't already have.

Then think about how likely you are to find all or any of these things with Mrs True Love. From the outside, it seems unlikely from what you've said. For example, you said you want children with her. But what about the four she already has? If you imagine she'll walk away from them, think again.

No I don't imagine that would happen at all, and I wouldn't want that to happen either. What kind of man would that make me? Competing against her marriage is a different thing. I would treat her children as if they were my own.

The alternatives are not good options either. Use women for short-term relationships. Use some woman I don't really love for a long-term relationship because I'm afraid of being alone. Use strangers on the internet until they get tired of listening to my crazy posting. Aren't you all tired of me already?

 

[Japanfan]

I agree, which is why I'm not ready to contact her right now. If I do it will be when I'm ready and from a point of overwhelming strategic advantage.

This isn't a game or a competition.

I too think you could benefit from seeing a therapist too. You are really overthinking something that happened so long ago (your user name being particularly apt). If you let it go, you can focus on moving forward with your life now, and maybe deciding to pursue a satisfying relationship for yourself.

 

[ToFarAwayTimes]

This isn't a game or a competition.

But it is. A not very desirable single woman has few, if any, suitors. She will take pretty much whatever she can get. A desirable single woman, as Miss Buxom BB was when she was 18, has many suitors, but at least you know she's looking for at least one. A married woman with no children in an unhappy marriage will be a lot easier to court than a woman who is happily married with kids.

So the challenge in front of me is the hardest of all, but compete I will.

 

[Japanfan]

But it is. A not very desirable single woman has few, if any, suitors. She will take pretty much whatever she can get. A desirable single woman, as Miss Buxom BB was when she was 18, has many suitors, but at least you know she's looking for at least one.

To echo what someone said above, you've got some serious anti-woman stuff going on.

And what you say here is simply horrible. From your point of view, probably most women are undesirable - though from another point of view, all women are desirable. That would be my POV. After all, the majority of women do end up partnered.

I am sure I would never fit into your category of desirable. I was never popular in high school and to be sure, not seen as a great beauty (though my partners thought otherwise). Yet someone I managed to have two marriages, one of them to a man who was seen to be gorgeous. And two other serious relationships as well.

I would suggest you consider your own desirability to women - that is something you can do about.

Also, if a woman doesn't let you know she wants you to be her suitor, consider that maybe she doesn't.

So the challenge in front of me is the hardest of all, but compete I will.

Be aware that your competition may not be welcomed.

Here's the thing. The love I'm talking about was so profound, I cannot just settle for any random woman who happens to be merely acceptable and maybe likes the same food as me.

Um - the early romance and passion of a relationship often withers. Day-to-day life and hardships/challenges do that to people. It's other things that endure, such as companionship, and compatibility - often absent from passionate relationships - is essential. That's the basis of arranged marriages - I don't advocate for them, but it is true that many such do endure.

I'm not that kind of man. I'm past that stage of my life. I tried that with my ex-girlfriend, who I love and is a very sweet girl, but my memories with her occupy that place in my heart, and there's not any room left in there.

Alas, unrequited love and the exsquisite pain of it!

Men have ways of winning women over, through action and deed, romantic gestures, money, power, success, prestige, offering them things and opportunities they (and their children) don't already have.

Wow. Some women just like men for who they are, as opposed to what they have.

FYI, the ago of courtship is long past. Many women has choices as to who they partner with these days, or whether they partner at all. Give those choices, winning as such isn't required or desirable.

I have never been 'won', and think many women here would say the same. Nor would I never want to be.

Re your competition: really, you do need professional help.

 

[ToFarAwayTimes]

To echo what someone said above, you've got some serious anti-woman stuff going on.

Like what?

And what you say here is simply horrible. From your point of view, probably most women are undesirable

I never said that at all. If you're asking, I would say the average woman has average desirability. Some more, some less.

Same goes for men.

After all, the majority of women do end up partnered.

Sure. Some live happily ever after. Some are more or less happy and take the good with the bad. Some are miserable, but they rationalize away their situation. Others hate their life and they know it, but they are afraid to be alone.

Some cheat on their partners because they are unhappy. Some cheat on their partners despite being happy, because they are bored.

There's all sorts of people in this world, and I'm simply stating the obvious that when a woman sizes up a romantic partner, she's going to consider what she already has and what she could stand to gain and what she could stand to lose.

I am sure I would never fit into your category of desirable. I was never popular in high school and to be sure, not seen as a great beauty (though my partners thought otherwise). Yet someone I managed to have two marriages, one of them to a man who was seen to be gorgeous. And two other serious relationships as well.

It's unfortunate that most of the replies have been projection. I never made any comment about your desirability or your beauty, how would I know? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Inside and out.

Also, if a woman doesn't let you know she wants you to be her suitor, consider that maybe she doesn't.

Be aware that your competition may not be welcomed.

How will I know if I don't try? Sitting around whining about something that happened long ago will not accomplish anything. Using other women who I don't really love would accomplish something, but nothing good.

When you know the one you love, go after them. You only have one life.

Um - the early romance and passion of a relationship often withers. Day-to-day life and hardships/challenges do that to people. It's other things that endure, such as companionship, and compatibility - often absent from passionate relationships - is essential. That's the basis of arranged marriages - I don't advocate for them, but it is true that many such do endure.

Yes you're right about that. But there are also people who reconnect later in life with their one true love, and find it to be the most satisfying relationship they've ever had. Both in terms of passion and the day-to-day.

Alas, unrequited love and the exsquisite pain of it!

What unrequited love are you talking about?

The woman I'm in love with was not unrequited love ... it was love not acted upon. There is a huge difference.

The love with my ex-girlfriend was a mutual love where the timing didn't work out. She wanted to get back together with me and I pushed her away for her sake. A few months later when the situation changed, she was still in love with me, but already dating someone else.

Wow. Some women just like men for who they are, as opposed to what they have.

This is definitely not true. I have been broke before, and regardless of whatever positive attributes I might have had going for me at the time, the number of women interested in a serious relationship with me that I would have considered dating was exactly zero.

Who you are, what you are doing with your life, money, power, success, prestige, physical attractiveness, sexual virility, intelligence, confidence, kindness and charity, a good heart, ability to make one laugh, dominance, submission, handyman, computer man, good with children, doesn't want children either, talks a lot, doesn't talk enough ...

People weigh all sorts of variables into their brain when they size up potential romantic partners. I know what I have and what I'm up against. All's fair in love and war.

 

[Japanfan]

Like what?

Like your view that some/many women are not to be trusted - what they say is not what they mean.

Like your idea that women need to be 'won', like a trophy.

How will I know if I don't try? Sitting around whining about something that happened long ago will not accomplish anything. Using other women who I don't really love would accomplish something, but nothing good.

When you know the one you love, go after them. You only have one life.

Then you should just try. Because you appear to be whining about something that something happened long ago, for quite some time.

But there are also people who reconnect later in life with their one true love, and find it to be the most satisfying relationship they've ever had. Both in terms of passion and the day-to-day.

Source, please. I think the situation is most common when a couple who love each other are prevented from being together and forced to marry someone else.

And 'one true love' is such a limiting way to look at love, with both 'true' and 'love' being open to interpretation.

What unrequited love are you talking about?

The woman I'm in love with was not unrequited love ... it was love not acted upon. There is a huge difference.

Unrequited was the wrong word. What I meant was that if she had been pining for you all these years, perhaps she would have contacted you.

This is definitely not true. I have been broke before, and regardless of whatever positive attributes I might have had going for me at the time, the number of women interested in a serious relationship with me that I would have considered dating was exactly zero.

I was poor for most of my life, and am still on the lower end of the income spectrum.

I didn't go for broke men precisely, but did not have any interest in wealthy men. Because I think it would have created a power imbalance. At one point in time Mr. Japanfan was planning to become a Counseling Psychologist (stuff happened to make that not an option) and I fear that the income/status imbalance it would create between us could threaten our marriage (people already put him on a pedestal).

Who you are, what you are doing with your life, money, power, success, prestige, physical attractiveness, sexual virility, intelligence, confidence, kindness and charity, a good heart, ability to make one laugh, dominance, submission, handyman, computer man, good with children, doesn't want children either, talks a lot, doesn't talk enough ...

What you are doing in your life is lamenting on an internet forum about someone you should make contact with.

All's fair in love and war.

A fantasy war, and what appears to be one-sided love.

Though I can't say for sure. So, best you get on with your plan.

I won't reply to any more posts from you.

 

[misskarne]

I agree, which is why I'm not ready to contact her right now. If I do it will be when I'm ready and from a point of overwhelming strategic advantage.

As a woman, this post made all my danger flags pop up, the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, every alarm bell I have clanging.

Because all I can see here is that you will make sure she cannot escape when you try to coerce her into having a relationship with you. You will wait until she is vulnerable before you launch your emotional attack.

Men have ways of winning women over, through action and deed, romantic gestures, money, power, success, prestige, offering them things and opportunities they (and their children) don't already have.

Women are not objects to be bought or sold as men decree.

But it is. A not very desirable single woman has few, if any, suitors. She will take pretty much whatever she can get. A desirable single woman, as Miss Buxom BB was when she was 18, has many suitors, but at least you know she's looking for at least one. A married woman with no children in an unhappy marriage will be a lot easier to court than a woman who is happily married with kids.

So the challenge in front of me is the hardest of all, but compete I will.

This is so gross, all the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.

Man, I wish I could contact this woman and let her know she needs a restraining order against you.

 

[Spun Silver]

I'm a little puzzled that in all these posts you haven't mentioned the (im)morality of trying to break up a marriage. The fact is your one true love is not available. If your conquest is successful, you risk wrecking a lot of lives, including young children who really don't deserve that, not that her husband does either. Do their lives not matter? You must have found some way of justifying your desire no matter the cost to others, but I wonder if you've considered those others as real, vulnerable human beings.

 

[ToFarAwayTimes]

Like your view that some/many women are not to be trusted - what they say is not what they mean.

Like your idea that women need to be 'won', like a trophy.

Men need to be 'won' too.

Source, please. I think the situation is most common when a couple who love each other are prevented from being together and forced to marry someone else.

There are all kinds of stories. Here's one I read in the news recently:

This Veteran Found His Long-Lost Love After 75 Years

Grab a tissue. This romance between a World War II veteran and his long-lost love spans decades and proves that time can’t erase true love.

www.rd.com

This doctor had done research on thousands of long lost love couples over the years.

Lost & Found Lovers |

www.lostlovers.com

There are all different kinds of cases, people who dated and broke up, people who dated and were ripped apart from each other, people like my situation where we were madly in love with each other and very close but didn't actually date. Most of the reconciliations don't actually lead to lasting romances, because one or both of the people are happy with their marriage. The ones that do often describe it as the most rewarding love experience of their entire life.

I have no intention of barging into this woman's life with a delusional fantasy and asking her to run away with me, don't worry. But if I do I better have a lot of persuasive reasons why it would be a good idea for her, on top of rekindling any long lost romantic flames. If she weren't married, I have no doubt whatsoever at this age we would finally get to be together. Since she's married and has kids that makes it extremely more unlikely. I could accept that, but I'm not going to, it's simply a matter of will and whether I' succeed or not.

And 'one true love' is such a limiting way to look at love, with both 'true' and 'love' being open to interpretation.

Everyone has different definitions of love. Some people believe in one true love, others don't. If you don't, then that's fine, but why are you barking at me for feeling that way about someone?

Unrequited was the wrong word. What I meant was that if she had been pining for you all these years, perhaps she would have contacted you.

It's not a matter of whether she has been pining for me all these years. I'm sure she has not. She may feel about me like you do the Greek. But what matters is what I bring to the equation if I ever contact her sometime. Just a guy showing up and trying to whisk her away from her happy marriage is almost certainly not going to work. A force of nature who can offer her considerably more than what she already has changes the equation.

I was poor for most of my life, and am still on the lower end of the income spectrum.

I didn't go for broke men precisely, but did not have any interest in wealthy men. Because I think it would have created a power imbalance. At one point in time Mr. Japanfan was planning to become a Counseling Psychologist (stuff happened to make that not an option) and I fear that the income/status imbalance it would create between us could threaten our marriage (people already put him on a pedestal).

That's fine, I respect that. I personally spent some years valuing my freedom more than my financial future. When you're young you can do that, when you have a partner from the same background in life, you can do that. When you're a bachelor at my age you need to bring a lot more to the table.

I won't reply to any more posts from you.

That's fine, I won't need to read any more posts from you then, either.

 

[ToFarAwayTimes]

I'm a little puzzled that in all these posts you haven't mentioned the (im)morality of trying to break up a marriage. The fact is your one true love is not available. If your conquest is successful, you risk wrecking a lot of lives, including young children who really don't deserve that, not that her husband does either. Do their lives not matter? You must have found some way of justifying your desire no matter the cost to others, but I wonder if you've considered those others as real, vulnerable human beings.

See this is another good, critical post, not projection. I haven't mentioned the morality because, surprisingly, nobody asked about it or brought it up. Really I think it's the only debatable point.

I made excuses all these years for not contacting her.

She blocked me and disappeared. Even if it was a misunderstanding, there's nothing I can do about it now.

I'm in my early 20s, I have a lot going for me. I'll meet someone else.

I looked hard for her everywhere but I couldn't find her.

She'll turn up on social media one day. I'll just wait and message her then.

She's married now.

She has kids now.

There was always an excuse why it couldn't happen. The kids part in the last few years felt the most final of all. I moved across the country to get as far away from that area as possible, try and start a new life. Meet someone new. The longing just intensified. I always wanted to reconcile with her somehow, someway, at least have closure, but last week was the first time I started to think about a romantic relationship. I just realized that I will always love her and I can either be miserable and unhappy without her the rest of my life, and potentially for all eternity, or I can spend the rest of my life trying to get her back.

I don't care about her marriage, I'm competing against it. Her kids are a different story. It makes the situation a lot more complicated if not impossible, but like I said, that means if I ever approach her it would have to be with overwhelming strategic advantages. The morality is absolutely debatable, and I would not have considered it until recently, but we only have one life to live, and I really do love her that much.

 

[misskarne]

I don't care about her marriage, I'm competing against it. Her kids are a different story. It makes the situation a lot more complicated if not impossible, but like I said, that means if I ever approach her it would have to be with overwhelming strategic advantages. The morality is absolutely debatable, and I would not have considered it until recently, but we only have one life to live, and I really do love her that much.

You claim to love her, but you don't respect her at all. You view her marriage as something to compete against and destroy. You plan to trap this woman and emotionally coerce her (don't play coy, I would wager nearly everyone in this thread has alarm bells ringing at "overwhelming strategic advantages").

You see her as a prize to be won, a trophy, an acheivement. You don't respect her, you don't care about anything that's important to her. She married the other guy. NOT YOU. She had kids with the other guy. NOT YOU. She hasn't contacted you in 17 years but she is married to, lives with, talks to, confides in, and loves the other guy. NOT YOU.

 

[Susan1]

I hope this is all a joke. But 1 - the fantasy of this woman is probably quite different than reality. 2 - I haven't read the long details of everything, but you make me think of detective mysteries I have read where the psycho locks a woman in a basement.

And 3 -

50+ Celebrities Who Have Been Stalked

This list of celebrities who have been stalked is loosely ranked by fame and popularity. Several famous actors, musicians, and athletes have had their safety jeopardized by scary stalkers. Some of these celebs were harassed online, while others found their stalkers camping out on their...

www.ranker.com

Get professional help.

 

[meggonzo]

How will I know if I don't try?

You asked her if she'd break up with her boyfriend for you. She said no. She ended up cutting you out of her life and has made no effort to contact you.

You have your answer.

 

[Habs]

Blocking someone and disappearing from them for almost 20 years is not a misunderstanding. She wanted to get away from you and I don't blame her.

If she wanted to be in contact with you, she would be.

 

[VGThuy]

See this is another good, critical post, not projection. I haven't mentioned the morality because, surprisingly, nobody asked about it or brought it up. Really I think it's the only debatable point.

I made excuses all these years for not contacting her.

She blocked me and disappeared. Even if it was a misunderstanding, there's nothing I can do about it now.

I'm in my early 20s, I have a lot going for me. I'll meet someone else.

I looked hard for her everywhere but I couldn't find her.

She'll turn up on social media one day. I'll just wait and message her then.

She's married now.

She has kids now.

There was always an excuse why it couldn't happen. The kids part in the last few years felt the most final of all. I moved across the country to get as far away from that area as possible, try and start a new life. Meet someone new. The longing just intensified. I always wanted to reconcile with her somehow, someway, at least have closure, but last week was the first time I started to think about a romantic relationship. I just realized that I will always love her and I can either be miserable and unhappy without her the rest of my life, and potentially for all eternity, or I can spend the rest of my life trying to get her back.

I don't care about her marriage, I'm competing against it. Her kids are a different story. It makes the situation a lot more complicated if not impossible, but like I said, that means if I ever approach her it would have to be with overwhelming strategic advantages. The morality is absolutely debatable, and I would not have considered it until recently, but we only have one life to live, and I really do love her that much.

I think most didn't talk about the marriage and morality of your story because many of us are still stuck on your lack of respect for her autonomy and your overall view on women.

Maybe one day I will march into her life and make up for my mistake many years ago, and court her relentlessly,
until she succumbs to my seduction.

I mean don't you see how this reads? Read it out loud. Imagine someone saying it to someone else. Imagine a woman obsessing about you who you have NO interest in harboring the same ideas to you and acts upon it and doesn't respect your rejection of her because she thinks it's romantic to pursue you relentlessly until you succumb to her seduction.

Anyway, now that we're here...what do you imagine your relationship will be with her four children? Are you ready to be a stepfather to them in every sense of the word? How do you imagine they'll react to you?

I maybe missing something, but did you find her social media or something? How do you know so much about her life after she cut you off? I think I skipped over that part.

 

[Susan1]

Blocking someone and disappearing from them for almost 20 years is not a misunderstanding. She wanted to get away from you and I don't blame her.

If she wanted to be in contact with you, she would be.

When I moved out, I got an unlisted number (before social media). He could have followed me from work, but as far as I know, he didn't. The day we got divorced, we both left the courthouse and he turned down the sidewalk one way and I turned the opposite. (And then the girls at work took me out for a divorce party.) His daughter sent me a Christmas card at my parents' house that year. I didn't send her one back. By the time I ran into her when I was getting my Notary renewed (I only went to downtown Dayton during the day every five years to do that, so weird), he was already getting divorced from his third wife. I told her not to let him know she saw me. We exchanged email addresses and she caught me up on everything. She did tell him, but he didn't bother me again. I think he got the hint.

 

[ToFarAwayTimes]

but you make me think of detective mysteries I have read where the psycho locks a woman in a basement.

And 3 -

50+ Celebrities Who Have Been Stalked

This list of celebrities who have been stalked is loosely ranked by fame and popularity. Several famous actors, musicians, and athletes have had their safety jeopardized by scary stalkers. Some of these celebs were harassed online, while others found their stalkers camping out on their...

www.ranker.com

Get professional help.

Yes, I belong on that list because I haven't contacted or attempted to see someone in over 17 years. Good one!

You have been projecting your experience as though it applies to every single other person out there. That's been 90% of the replies in this thread. Projection. Even Mrs. Japanfan did it when I made no comments about her "below average income" and "below average beauty" that she just got so irate and mad about it.

That's why Spun Silver's critical posts are good, quality posts. There's rational thought, nuance, and attempt at understanding. If you would just like to share what happened to you personally, please do, I liked your post, but it doesn't apply to every situation out there.