Aerobicidal
Shut that door.
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Ivana Komova’s interview with Marie-France Dubreuil for mfuniverse,net:
IK: Last week, the official count of ice dance teams you coach finally reached a higher number than ponchos in Nina Mozer’s collection. How do you do it?
MFD: An anecdote is necessary to sufficiently address such a query. Our beloved sport was, not so long ago, mired in the crude and derivative forms favored by fifth-rate “choreographers.” It sickened me to watch this abortive speed skating and lady-flinging. The nadir of this era, doubtlessly, was Davis and White accepting an Olympic gold from Putin himself. What Putin is to politics, Zoueva and Shpilband were—and are—to ice dance. And, Ivana, I don’t care if you or your compatriots are PROUD Putin voters. Just because we both sport elegant fur fashions doesn’t mean we have other ideological commonalities.
IK: Your fur is probably faux or at least sustainable, anyway. But what specifically sparked you to initiate the Dubreuil Lauzon Method?
MFD: Excuse me, but the correct title is the Academy™ at Dubreuil Lauzon Method, or you may call it ✾ (which symbolizes the Academy Formerly Known as Gadbois). We are currently installing the Cafe, Salon, and Shoppes at the Academy™ so it will be one of the more popular North American attractions for global tourism. Linguistic tangents aside, my true catalyst was the discovery of a brilliant young French couple—although the lady had a Greek-sounding surname—coached by a gorgeously vampiric whisper of a man. I knew that Patch and I could take these three stunning entities and turn them into a force of nature more powerful than the smell of vomit emanating from Nikolai Morosov after a three-day bender.
IK: Say what you want about Morosov, but he’s the only skating coach who has slept with more beautiful women than Ellen Degeneres has.
MFD: That’s very similar to what Kaitlyn Weaver told me when she made desperate supplications to train here. I was tempted to accept, but between the stain of Morosov and Scott Moir’s threats to drink beer on camera and utter profanities in the kiss and cry if we took on “one more mother****ing team,” I opted against it. I wish them the best on Battle of the Blades, although I will qualify my admiration for that program by revealing the scandalous fact that Jamie Salé has a slightly higher career average score than I do.
IK: Like Zoueva and Shpilband, whom you trashed earlier, you once trained both of the world’s top two teams. Was that difficult.
MFD: Mais oui! Training one skater who behaves like—and I apologize in advance for the incongruity and impossibility of this comparison—a testosterone-addled toddler was far more than enough trouble for my team. Leashes were discussed, but we anticipated Guillaume would appropriate them for use in the boudoir. In a civilized country like Canada, you’d think a top ice dancer would have the etiquette or at least common sense not to constantly rip off his shirt and demand a Greco-Roman grudge match replete with scented oils. Luckily the other member—and I use that word advisedly—in this dyad is a staunch pacifist.
IK: However, Papadakis and Cizeron have been criticized for expressing disappointment over the Pyeongchang results, as well as comments denigrating other teams’ Latin dancing.
MFD: Yes, well, it is undeniable that both Virtue/Moir and the French have fans that are, pardon my French, fou comme Merde de Chauve-souris. When this first became evident, I approached Brian Orser and asked how he responded to the similar phenomenon surrounding Hanyu. His answer: Keep Pooh and carry on. With heavily armed bodyguards. I follow most of that. Honestly, Ivana, I need most of my free time to shop and groom myself. If I spent a mere nanosecond worrying about conspiracy theorists claiming North Korea sabotaged Papadakis’ nipple or evil skating website monitors plotting to destroy Virtue and Moir . . . Oh no! I’d have to repeat outfits in the kiss and cry.
IK: Still, do you think Papadakis and Cizeron should have held back with some of their statements?
MFD: I don’t understand the question, and I refuse to answer it.
IK: After being criticized for a lot of similar lyric free dances, your team has really shown variety over the past two seasons: disco, Spandex overalls, Meatloaf, and now slam poetry.
MFD: Indeed, my dear friend Alain compared our artistic surge with the Beatles’ days of psychedelic drugs and Indian mysticism. Speaking for myself, I only smoked oregano once in 1982 which was, not coincidentally, the same evening I discovered the Doors music that was in Fournier Beaudry and Sorensen’s flamenco program. Ah, such heady memories! Anyway, of course as our academy has expanded we have hired brilliant music and textual consultants from all over the world. Unlike your Sambo club, the Academy™ must be creative and well-rounded. We believe in stability and longevity. We are the most fashionable but also the most tantric ice dance coaches.
IK: And do you think the judges are ready for something like the slam poetry in Papadakis and Cizeron’s free dance?
MFD: To paraphrase Forrest Black himself:
Swipe left
They come out on the ice like a car coming out of a driveway
Swipe right
My lyrics are whiter than a white sheet that just got washed
Swipe left
And maybe it also got bleached which is like the love I used to have for you, baby
Swipe right
We broke up and I’m super emo about it which is the subject of this poem, kinda
Swipe left
Is what the judges do and give +5 to everything and also 10.0
Swipe right
We’ll beat everyone else and then say some “yo mama” jokes to rub it in
IK: Thank you. May your teams be defeated by Russian ones.
IK: Last week, the official count of ice dance teams you coach finally reached a higher number than ponchos in Nina Mozer’s collection. How do you do it?
MFD: An anecdote is necessary to sufficiently address such a query. Our beloved sport was, not so long ago, mired in the crude and derivative forms favored by fifth-rate “choreographers.” It sickened me to watch this abortive speed skating and lady-flinging. The nadir of this era, doubtlessly, was Davis and White accepting an Olympic gold from Putin himself. What Putin is to politics, Zoueva and Shpilband were—and are—to ice dance. And, Ivana, I don’t care if you or your compatriots are PROUD Putin voters. Just because we both sport elegant fur fashions doesn’t mean we have other ideological commonalities.
IK: Your fur is probably faux or at least sustainable, anyway. But what specifically sparked you to initiate the Dubreuil Lauzon Method?
MFD: Excuse me, but the correct title is the Academy™ at Dubreuil Lauzon Method, or you may call it ✾ (which symbolizes the Academy Formerly Known as Gadbois). We are currently installing the Cafe, Salon, and Shoppes at the Academy™ so it will be one of the more popular North American attractions for global tourism. Linguistic tangents aside, my true catalyst was the discovery of a brilliant young French couple—although the lady had a Greek-sounding surname—coached by a gorgeously vampiric whisper of a man. I knew that Patch and I could take these three stunning entities and turn them into a force of nature more powerful than the smell of vomit emanating from Nikolai Morosov after a three-day bender.
IK: Say what you want about Morosov, but he’s the only skating coach who has slept with more beautiful women than Ellen Degeneres has.
MFD: That’s very similar to what Kaitlyn Weaver told me when she made desperate supplications to train here. I was tempted to accept, but between the stain of Morosov and Scott Moir’s threats to drink beer on camera and utter profanities in the kiss and cry if we took on “one more mother****ing team,” I opted against it. I wish them the best on Battle of the Blades, although I will qualify my admiration for that program by revealing the scandalous fact that Jamie Salé has a slightly higher career average score than I do.
IK: Like Zoueva and Shpilband, whom you trashed earlier, you once trained both of the world’s top two teams. Was that difficult.
MFD: Mais oui! Training one skater who behaves like—and I apologize in advance for the incongruity and impossibility of this comparison—a testosterone-addled toddler was far more than enough trouble for my team. Leashes were discussed, but we anticipated Guillaume would appropriate them for use in the boudoir. In a civilized country like Canada, you’d think a top ice dancer would have the etiquette or at least common sense not to constantly rip off his shirt and demand a Greco-Roman grudge match replete with scented oils. Luckily the other member—and I use that word advisedly—in this dyad is a staunch pacifist.
IK: However, Papadakis and Cizeron have been criticized for expressing disappointment over the Pyeongchang results, as well as comments denigrating other teams’ Latin dancing.
MFD: Yes, well, it is undeniable that both Virtue/Moir and the French have fans that are, pardon my French, fou comme Merde de Chauve-souris. When this first became evident, I approached Brian Orser and asked how he responded to the similar phenomenon surrounding Hanyu. His answer: Keep Pooh and carry on. With heavily armed bodyguards. I follow most of that. Honestly, Ivana, I need most of my free time to shop and groom myself. If I spent a mere nanosecond worrying about conspiracy theorists claiming North Korea sabotaged Papadakis’ nipple or evil skating website monitors plotting to destroy Virtue and Moir . . . Oh no! I’d have to repeat outfits in the kiss and cry.
IK: Still, do you think Papadakis and Cizeron should have held back with some of their statements?
MFD: I don’t understand the question, and I refuse to answer it.
IK: After being criticized for a lot of similar lyric free dances, your team has really shown variety over the past two seasons: disco, Spandex overalls, Meatloaf, and now slam poetry.
MFD: Indeed, my dear friend Alain compared our artistic surge with the Beatles’ days of psychedelic drugs and Indian mysticism. Speaking for myself, I only smoked oregano once in 1982 which was, not coincidentally, the same evening I discovered the Doors music that was in Fournier Beaudry and Sorensen’s flamenco program. Ah, such heady memories! Anyway, of course as our academy has expanded we have hired brilliant music and textual consultants from all over the world. Unlike your Sambo club, the Academy™ must be creative and well-rounded. We believe in stability and longevity. We are the most fashionable but also the most tantric ice dance coaches.
IK: And do you think the judges are ready for something like the slam poetry in Papadakis and Cizeron’s free dance?
MFD: To paraphrase Forrest Black himself:
Swipe left
They come out on the ice like a car coming out of a driveway
Swipe right
My lyrics are whiter than a white sheet that just got washed
Swipe left
And maybe it also got bleached which is like the love I used to have for you, baby
Swipe right
We broke up and I’m super emo about it which is the subject of this poem, kinda
Swipe left
Is what the judges do and give +5 to everything and also 10.0
Swipe right
We’ll beat everyone else and then say some “yo mama” jokes to rub it in
IK: Thank you. May your teams be defeated by Russian ones.
