Ivana Komova's Report on the GPF and JGPF


Shut that door.
Hello to all fan of Ivana!!! Tonight I am drinking Stolichnaya and Dom Perignon cocktails to prepare for late night karaoke drunk party with Dudakov and Velikova, who will perform duet to “Whole New World” dressed in magic carpets. But meantime, here is collection of quotes Ivana has recorded during GPF:

Valentina Marchei: All the skaters love to come to Italy, the land of passion and amazing food and amazing art and amazing sexual facial expressions. When I was skating with Hotarek, every performance turned both of us on so much that, after we left the ice, we had to have sex within twelve minutes. Not with each other, of course, but with our forever partners. But the facials I made during our competitive skates were good practice for the bedroom. Sadly, the senior pairs event here lacks the raw orgasmic facial ecstasy that I would have provided. Sui and Han are wonderful, but they can do hoedown better than ho down. I propose all these teams spend the time between now and Worlds working with tantric sex mentors and consuming nothing but oysters Milanese with extra saffron and just a hint of MSG—from San Marzano, of course.

Eteri Tutberidze: People say I am the madame of politics, but I am just a skating coach. I wake up each morning like anyone else, spread La Mer on my toast like anyone else, have my live-in facial enhancement specialist rejuvenate my fillers like anyone else. You see, my daughter wasn’t given any advantages in her rhythm dance score. I could send her to Nikolai Morosov, but I do not want him as an in-law. He can remain as an outlaw. Also, I told Trusova not to attempt the 3A in the short program. I never push my skaters to do anything they and their families do not want to do. I am almost powerless. I have power to the extent that my face can move. Misconceptions are hurtful. Daniil lets me cry into his blazer backstage, and if it gets stained he takes it off so you see his hoodie better. That is all we are doing this weekend.

Yuna Kim: Why you desert Yuzu, B? Why you leave him alone when he most needs you, B? Where you go, B? On an unrelated note, hello to all fans of Yuna! My mother’s internationally respected production company will be releasing my memoir, Triple Lutz Triple Toe Single Tear, in early 2020. It will available at all locations of Amazon and Barnes and Noble. All proceeds go to the Eunsoo Lim Anti-Bullying Foundation.

Marilyn Monroe: Dad dee, my heart never really belonged to Joe DiMaggio. He was, dad dee, just some athlete I hooked up with, the same way I hooked up with JFK, and the same way Hubbell and Donohue are still doing it but pretending like it’s just platonic. I’m not dumb, dad dee; I read Ulysees as my summer beach book last year. Another thing, dad dee, is that I really don’t think you should assume that U.S. Americans in 2019 have heard of Joe. Or me, for that matter. They know Tik Tok and Instagram and Thrasher and Supreme but not our kind of stuff. When people interrogate me about the references in Ulysses I’m not sure about, I get defensive, dad dee.

Prince Matchabelli: Newly available for the holiday time, wherever fine fragrances are sold, is my new scent—The Perfume, The Story of a Murderer. When you use this scent, you will lift your leg over your head for 1.3 seconds. When you deploy this aroma, you will appliqué your hooha. When you embrace this odor, you will pre-rotate a quad Lutz. When you experience this experience, you will have flashbacks to someone drawing circles on the floor. As said on TV, and sold in fine stores like Russian Wal*Mart—The Perfume, The Story of A Murdered.

Instagram user YuzuGOAT_4eva: I can’t even he is the only reason people still go to skating events and the ISU just shits all over him he gives back so much to the sport but unless he does a 5Z and 4A he has no chance against the “arteeeeeeest” N*te I am seething with rage Yuzu happy birthday angel boy I post pictures of his ass on datalounge but the sport is over #justiceforyuzu #isumustissueformalapologytoyuzu #yuzugoatass no matter how much you are violently ****ed over by the judges and the isu and the technical panel you are my forever prince and poohple rain falls from the sky

Love_Skate2011: In the works of Mishina, a predominant concept is the concept of precultural art. Therefore, the use of dialectic neocultural theory will deconstruct the potential of any other team being Russia #1. Galliamov uses the term “Tarasovan obscurity” to denote the archaism of the Candyman paradigm of semanticist consciousness. “Moskvina teams are part of the absurdity of atavism,” says Velikova. In a sense, several appropriations concerning not Shulepov’s formerly award-nominated costume as such, but symbolic aesthetics in general, exist. If one examines argument Mishina is not Russia #1 ,one is faced with a choice: either reject TES power relations or conclude that PCS is capable of deconstruction.

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