Ivana Komova's Exclusive Report on the Medvedeva/Tutberidze Split

Aerobicidal

Shut that door.
Messages
11,158
Hello to all fan of Ivana! As you know, last time I announce no more reports coming from me until next season. But I believe you will understand why I take back promise now that most dramatic horror event in recent mind has occurred among Russia skating. This event is more horror than Chernobyl incident, more horror than all movies in USA Ernest Goes to Stupid series, and even more horror than days when woman field in Russia was so weak that Katarina Gerboldt qualify to compete at World Event.

Obvious to say, the amount of tumult at Sambo rink today can only be compare to response from Japanese fan of Johnny Weir when he announce to world that he is homosexual.

Until now, all figure skating news and chat pages on internet have had no access to real infos but instead rumors and lies and deceptions and falsenesses. Now it is time for Ivana to bring real story from real people involved and those around them.

ETERI TUTBERIDZE: Nothing I could imagine is as ugly, as filthy, rife with ***** and bacteria and stains—nothing compares to you, Zhenya. Not even genitals of Nikolai Morosov, not that I am young enough to know such a thing. Look at this, Ivana: the iPhone of Eteri, latest edition with Valentino case crafted from crocodile skins and encrust with diamonds. You see on screen evidence of chat between myself and Zhenya.

You: I will reveal to all of public how you beg me to not allow Zagitova to compete against you at Olympic because she has pure youth, no injury, not fan of Japanese animated garbage skating show against traditional values. I tell world that every time you attempt all jump in bonus you fall in way that makes Pogorilaya look like tsarina of staying on feet.

JannyFromTheBloc: [poop emoji]

You: Do you want all who follow sport to know that after your poor, shaky performance at Olympics, you whisper in my ear calling me bitch and frozen face tyrant with embarrassing denim wardrobe histories? That you say you hope Zagitova have even more falls than Leonova from Vivaldi “jump rope child go insane” program which happen to be wild ripoff of your own SP?

JannyFromTheBloc: [laughing panda emoji]

Ivana, you see these proofs and then she ignore me. Now, as you know Russian technology giant corporation Putinsoft have designed custom emoji base off my own expression. In English the name is, roughly, “the face of the bitch.” Yet I do not give in to urge to respond to Zhenya except to state the truth. Truth is she has been brainwash by leftist garbage culture, wants to experience socialism and homosexual friends and soups that are not borscht. I tell you now, she will realize evil of leftism and come back begging to return to stable of Eteri. But we will have too many horses, all younger, with better jumps and better artistry and better attitude so I say good riddance and, Zhenya, you have become dead to me.

EVGENIA MEDVEDEVA: Why you tell a lie, E?

ILIA AVERBUKH: In our metamodern era, multivalent forms of communication have been supplanted by automation, resulting in a constructed flow of interpersonal messaging exemplified by the simple gesture. As a post-phenomenological social critic whose critiques are encoded via choreographic sequences, I necessarily deconstruct the false dichotomy between minimalism and maximalism. Thus, a raised arm potentially signifies an urge to contribute in a scholastic setting, an opportunity to assess the effectiveness of one’s odor- and dampness-reducing cosmetic regimen, or a starling with a clipped wing struggling to hover over the smoldering remains of classical capitalism.

These possibilities are not discrete; indeed, their simultaneity is the only quality they embody which might be considered “real” from a quasi-Lacanian standpoint. So will Zhenya fly toward freedom, toward scholarship, toward the cosmos? The stars are her destination; my only question is whether next season I will ask her to portray Stormy Daniels in her short or free competitive program.

PASHAKAN SULTANALIEVA: Wow the feeling of joy excitement new possibilities let’s have fun friends happy eat drink night city party experience! Super fabulous joy international friend group ice party dress dance bond selfie stick yes! Smile together for years of sparkly disco high fun joy friend moments together fun friend team! Cricket joy!

ASHLEY WAGNER: I am furious! This year is turning out to be a bigger dumpster fire than the literal one that was burning outside of Skate America the year it was in Detroit. Homeless people were huddled there, cooking roadkill and singing that ****ing song “Redneck Woman.” What a dump! Anyway, first I get skipped over by the ****ing USFSA or whatever it’s called for Mirai, then Adam dumps me as bestie for her, they get to go to the Oscars, and now they’re on Dancing with the Stars. And now, just as I have been finishing post-production on my debut dance single, “Furious & Fierce,” this Russian drama steals my ****ing thunder. Remember that I was the one who coined the term “sonograms”! I was the original victim of ageism, but I was sassy and fierce and worked my diva realness! Now you’re just got some sweet teenager who likes vintage clothes and showing off her damn armpits. I am ****ing furious!!!

TONYA HARDING: First of all, I have never heard of this Jenny Mediterranean skater. I mean I care but I don’t care. My skating was great but my life was in shambles. Nobody wanted to ever believe me. The media had me convicted of doing something wrong before I had even done anything at all. I’m always the bad person. Is it a challenge from the Lord to see how far I can be pushed until I break and become nothing? You can’t push me that far anymore because I’ve been nothing, and I’ve been nothing several times, but it’s my faith in myself and in my father that comes back to me and makes me get back up off my butt and be something worth being proud of. I always wanted my daddy to be proud and now I want my son to be proud. I deserve this opportunity after all the ones I have been robbed of in the past. Please vote for me tomorrow night. You know I’m gonna kick butt on DWTS.

ANNA TSAREVA: Why me? Why do no more top Russian ladies come to me for coaching? They have seen so many warm smiles, joyful words, warm hugs between myself and Pogorilaya. Not only does this move mean I lose another opportunity for future star pupil to love and respect, but if Zhenya changes to Armenia she will bear responsibility for making skate fans suffer through programs of Anastasia Galustyan on world stage by qualifying two lady spots for Armenia which is even worse than all other implication of this news.
 

el henry

#WeAllWeGot #WeAllWeNeed
Messages
1,470
Loving those words of wisdom from Eteri, as transcribed by Ivana:

" Nothing I could imagine is as ugly, as filthy, rife with ***** and bacteria and stains—nothing compares to you, Zhenya. Not even genitals of Nikolai Morosov, not that I am young enough to know such a thing."

Sounds like some internet posters:lol:
 

kwanatic

Well-Known Member
Messages
2,740
EVGENIA MEDVEDEVA: Why you tell a lie, E?

LMAO!! I swear, I've been waiting for the Yuna/Brian split to show up in here somewhere. This was perfect!

You: Do you want all who follow sport to know that after your poor, shaky performance at Olympics, you whisper in my ear calling me bitch and frozen face tyrant with embarrassing denim wardrobe histories? That you say you hope Zagitova have even more falls than Leonova from Vivaldi “jump rope child go insane” program which happen to be wild ripoff of your own SP?

I. DIED. :lol::lol::lol:
 

aftershocks

Banned Member
Messages
17,335
EVGENIA MEDVEDEVA: Why you tell a lie, E?

:drama::rofl:

Very classily, Evgenia has said she's learned enuf from Eteri to last a lifetime (paraphrasing the Russian to English translation). :D

PASHAKAN SULTANALIEVA: Wow the feeling of joy excitement new possibilities let’s have fun friends happy eat drink night city party experience! Super fabulous joy international friend group ice party dress dance bond selfie stick yes! Smile together for years of sparkly disco high fun joy friend moments together fun friend team! Cricket joy!

:40beers::rockstar::cheer2::rollin:
 
Last edited:

Erin

Well-Known Member
Messages
10,380
if Zhenya changes to Armenia she will bear responsibility for making skate fans suffer through programs of Anastasia Galustyan on world stage by qualifying two lady spots for Armenia which is even worse than all other implication of this news.

If Janny were to skate for Armenia and finish in the top 2 at Worlds or Euros, Armenia could qualify 3 spots for the following year. Luckily the TES minimums would save us from whatever other woman Armenia could cook up who is worse than Galustyan. (There isn't even anyone else on the junior or senior list, so I can't figure out who would be the Armenian equivalent of Mambekova)
 

Vagabond

Well-Known Member
Messages
18,648
If Janny were to skate for Armenia and finish in the top 2 at Worlds or Euros, Armenia could qualify 3 spots for the following year. Luckily the TES minimums would save us from whatever other woman Armenia could cook up who is worse than Galustyan.
If you don't read the #TeamTrainwreck threads, you are doomed always to be out of the loop. :gallopin1
rumor is - Mikhailova is switching to Armenia ;)
If Medvedeva Babasyan followed suit (as appears not to be the case), Russia might find itself scrambling to retain three spots at Worlds.

:watch:
 

Aerobicidal

Shut that door.
Messages
11,158
That would make a great free skate.:lol:
Another idea for Janny next season! She can portray looking up synonyms for words like "salty," "unprofessional," "immature," "denim," and "Botox." I'm imagining her in a costume based on Eteri's original denim fantasy coat with bootcut jeans (™The Limited 1995) and makeup imitating frozen Botox face.
 
Last edited:

Users who are viewing this thread

Top
Do Not Sell My Personal Information