Aerobicidal
Shut that door.
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Today in part two of Ivana’s wonderful three-part recap of the skating season, I ask many important persons from skate community this question:
What is the greatest regret of your entire career in skating?
Because of the nature of this question, I only ask skate people from godless USA to answer!
Alex Shibutani: My sister and I want to sincerely thank each of our sponsors for allowing us to represent their wonderful products in and beyond the skating company. Tumi’s luggage, bags, and other goods are sleek and aerodynamic. Ralph Lauren makes classic American sportswear that looks just as good at an Olympic event as it does for a carefully postured and posed family portrait. Intel is always at the cutting edge—no pun intended—of technology, with its chips powering some of the most important computer systems on the planet. Coca-Cola’s refreshing beverages have brought American families together for decades; that’s why they call it “The Real Thing.” Hershey is not just a city in Pennsylvania, but a brand of sweet treats you can feel comfortable enjoying at any age or stage. And, finally, Smucker’s makes jams and spreads that empower communities on multiple levels. My sister and I have never so much as frowned at each other, let alone started an argument about who was entitled to the last can of Coca-Cola or the last Hershey’s candy or whose turn it was to use the larger Tumi suitcase when traveling internationally. Neither of us would ever start screaming profanity at each other and tearing each other’s hair out or throwing martinis on each other because we never fight or curse or drink alcohol. And unlike a certain other American figure skating Olympic medalist, we certainly wouldn’t say negative things about the Walt Disney Corporation; in fact, the Disney Channel might want to think about creating a reality television program about siblings who never fight and really like listening to Coldplay. Hint hint hint!
Ashley Wagner: I am furious! First those conservative ****ers from the USFSA told me to ditch my La La Land program, and then Dave Lease and a bunch of other people online talked shit about how many seasons I’d been skating to Moulin Rouge for, and then I finally switched my program for Nationals but the USFSA had already bribed the judges to screw me on the components mark! It’s all part of the same conspiracy that was supposed to get the Olympic gold for Papadakis but that one failed because one of Tessa’s kids tampered with Gabby’s costume before the Short Dance in a shocking twist that still has Shawn Eckhardt rolling in his grave. I’m telling you people, I’m ****ing furious and nothing you can say will change that!
Adam Rippon: I’m the fierce bomb flopper and I’m here to say
All the haters didn’t faze me in any way
You called me a loser and a quadless clown
But I wurqed my programs and brought all the houses down
To all the homophobes who have a problem with me
You can eat it when I slay on NBC
Kori Ade: Jonathan Beyer is a ******* ****-******* and can’t sing for shit!!!
Todd Sand: Last night, my wife and I sat down to dinner. We enjoyed a platter of sautéed foie gras with fava beans. To drink, we chose a traditional bottle of Italian wine. The wine comes in a straw bottle called a fiasco. It was a successful pairing. Speaking of successful pairings, I regret only that the judges from Dancing on Ice eliminated me over that talentless harlot Bonnie Langford. I have always been very open about that, though. I have no skeletons in my closet or corpses buried under my floorboards. Thank you for complimenting me on my follicular consistency and immobility, by the way.
Meryl Davis: When you and your partner know you’re the best trained ice dance team in the world, you just go out there and do your job. It feels inspirational. We’ve been lucky to be around so many inspiring people. We’ve heard inspiring words from them, and I smile as I carefully apply makeup with a trowel and wink at the judges. Some day you will be the skater you needed when you were younger, so tell yourself you can make it and do it because it’s a day of inspirational fashion shopping internationally for great causes and happy smiles when success leads you to a relationship with a man who used to be an Abercrombie model and, guess what, he chose me so all you thirsty bitches can find your own man who will be significantly less hot than mine and take your conspiracy theories and gossip and suck a big old donkey . . . inspired. Aspirations. Success.
Rohene Ward: Jojo B, your online persona is so lame, it’s so ****ing lame Third Eye Blind and Counting Crows are like, “Our music doesn’t seem so lame anymore.”
Dick Button: I have had great enjoyment making arch comments about skaters while drinking cosmopolitans behind the scenes for 75 years, but today I do have a lament. It is difficult to cheer when there’s so much ****ery in the judging, the new scoring system that requires one to have a PhD in geothermal engineering, horrible lyrics about women’s undergarments and exploding fruit, and—worst of all—arm movements that resemble “a windmill having a panic attack while trying to hail a New York City taxicab.” I miss you, Lucinda Ruh, and your spins that really flew. Waltz jumps that really waltzed. Shoot the ducks that really ducked. Twizzles that sizzled. Today we have the flawed quad and the flopped flip and the limitations on choreographers to concoct a fluffy parfait of graceful elegance. The absurdity of watching the United States Figure Skating Association (U.S.F.S.A.) chastise Ross Miner but fail to chastise the subjects of this lament. It really pushes Dick’s button.
Kori Ade: Jonny boy, you’re still nothing but a ****-******** **** *******!
Bradie Tennell: I guess I could have waited another year or two for my first haircut, but I don’t care about it that much.
Rohene Ward: [poop emoji]
Kori Ade: U r a ho!
Caroline Zhang: I’ll answer this question once my skating career is over. Talk to you in 2026 or so. Also, shout out to my girl Fumie! You’re like my Japanese soul sister except my hubby’s way hotter than you’ll ever get.
What is the greatest regret of your entire career in skating?
Because of the nature of this question, I only ask skate people from godless USA to answer!
Alex Shibutani: My sister and I want to sincerely thank each of our sponsors for allowing us to represent their wonderful products in and beyond the skating company. Tumi’s luggage, bags, and other goods are sleek and aerodynamic. Ralph Lauren makes classic American sportswear that looks just as good at an Olympic event as it does for a carefully postured and posed family portrait. Intel is always at the cutting edge—no pun intended—of technology, with its chips powering some of the most important computer systems on the planet. Coca-Cola’s refreshing beverages have brought American families together for decades; that’s why they call it “The Real Thing.” Hershey is not just a city in Pennsylvania, but a brand of sweet treats you can feel comfortable enjoying at any age or stage. And, finally, Smucker’s makes jams and spreads that empower communities on multiple levels. My sister and I have never so much as frowned at each other, let alone started an argument about who was entitled to the last can of Coca-Cola or the last Hershey’s candy or whose turn it was to use the larger Tumi suitcase when traveling internationally. Neither of us would ever start screaming profanity at each other and tearing each other’s hair out or throwing martinis on each other because we never fight or curse or drink alcohol. And unlike a certain other American figure skating Olympic medalist, we certainly wouldn’t say negative things about the Walt Disney Corporation; in fact, the Disney Channel might want to think about creating a reality television program about siblings who never fight and really like listening to Coldplay. Hint hint hint!
Ashley Wagner: I am furious! First those conservative ****ers from the USFSA told me to ditch my La La Land program, and then Dave Lease and a bunch of other people online talked shit about how many seasons I’d been skating to Moulin Rouge for, and then I finally switched my program for Nationals but the USFSA had already bribed the judges to screw me on the components mark! It’s all part of the same conspiracy that was supposed to get the Olympic gold for Papadakis but that one failed because one of Tessa’s kids tampered with Gabby’s costume before the Short Dance in a shocking twist that still has Shawn Eckhardt rolling in his grave. I’m telling you people, I’m ****ing furious and nothing you can say will change that!
Adam Rippon: I’m the fierce bomb flopper and I’m here to say
All the haters didn’t faze me in any way
You called me a loser and a quadless clown
But I wurqed my programs and brought all the houses down
To all the homophobes who have a problem with me
You can eat it when I slay on NBC
Kori Ade: Jonathan Beyer is a ******* ****-******* and can’t sing for shit!!!
Todd Sand: Last night, my wife and I sat down to dinner. We enjoyed a platter of sautéed foie gras with fava beans. To drink, we chose a traditional bottle of Italian wine. The wine comes in a straw bottle called a fiasco. It was a successful pairing. Speaking of successful pairings, I regret only that the judges from Dancing on Ice eliminated me over that talentless harlot Bonnie Langford. I have always been very open about that, though. I have no skeletons in my closet or corpses buried under my floorboards. Thank you for complimenting me on my follicular consistency and immobility, by the way.
Meryl Davis: When you and your partner know you’re the best trained ice dance team in the world, you just go out there and do your job. It feels inspirational. We’ve been lucky to be around so many inspiring people. We’ve heard inspiring words from them, and I smile as I carefully apply makeup with a trowel and wink at the judges. Some day you will be the skater you needed when you were younger, so tell yourself you can make it and do it because it’s a day of inspirational fashion shopping internationally for great causes and happy smiles when success leads you to a relationship with a man who used to be an Abercrombie model and, guess what, he chose me so all you thirsty bitches can find your own man who will be significantly less hot than mine and take your conspiracy theories and gossip and suck a big old donkey . . . inspired. Aspirations. Success.
Rohene Ward: Jojo B, your online persona is so lame, it’s so ****ing lame Third Eye Blind and Counting Crows are like, “Our music doesn’t seem so lame anymore.”
Dick Button: I have had great enjoyment making arch comments about skaters while drinking cosmopolitans behind the scenes for 75 years, but today I do have a lament. It is difficult to cheer when there’s so much ****ery in the judging, the new scoring system that requires one to have a PhD in geothermal engineering, horrible lyrics about women’s undergarments and exploding fruit, and—worst of all—arm movements that resemble “a windmill having a panic attack while trying to hail a New York City taxicab.” I miss you, Lucinda Ruh, and your spins that really flew. Waltz jumps that really waltzed. Shoot the ducks that really ducked. Twizzles that sizzled. Today we have the flawed quad and the flopped flip and the limitations on choreographers to concoct a fluffy parfait of graceful elegance. The absurdity of watching the United States Figure Skating Association (U.S.F.S.A.) chastise Ross Miner but fail to chastise the subjects of this lament. It really pushes Dick’s button.
Kori Ade: Jonny boy, you’re still nothing but a ****-******** **** *******!
Bradie Tennell: I guess I could have waited another year or two for my first haircut, but I don’t care about it that much.
Rohene Ward: [poop emoji]
Kori Ade: U r a ho!
Caroline Zhang: I’ll answer this question once my skating career is over. Talk to you in 2026 or so. Also, shout out to my girl Fumie! You’re like my Japanese soul sister except my hubby’s way hotter than you’ll ever get.
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