Aerobicidal
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Ivana Komova’s interview with Elena Radionova for neverletgo.ru:
IK: The end of your competitive career overlapped with the ascendancy of Eteri Tutberidze’s school. You must have had special insight competing against them, as you were once the young Russian girl succeeding in her first senior Grand Prix season.
ER: Oh yeah, like, totally. My second time at Junior Worlds, people were like, OMG Radio shouldn’t be competing there ‘cause she already won and, like, there were all these old-ass ladies raving about Sasha Proklova. Sasha trained with me and she was always kissing up to Inna, saying, Oh Inna, your bangs look hot today. Oh Inna, your fur coats are awesomer than anyone’s. Oh Inna, I wish you’d let Nikolai Morosov choreograph for me. We’d make a totally awesome couple.
IK: Whatever happened to Proklova?
ER: Like, who? LOL, I was just thinking about this killer dark red lipstick I saw at the mall. I have this totally hot dress with a picture of that, like, famous Japanese wave picture on it. I do these Insta photo shoots with my friends. It’s literally awesome.
IK: Moving back to the beginning of your skating experience, you originally started in the sport because your parents thought it would help your club foot.
ER: Cray, right? You know that when you’re like thirteen, skating boots make your feet look so ****in’ big? I remember people calling me, like, Bigfoot and shit like that. Do you know how much it hurts when assholes on the internet totally, like, insult your feet and your posture and . . . God, they even talked trash about JLo. She is, like, the tenth most iconic American model/actress.
IK: Did your coaches tell you to stay away from the online chat sites?
ER: Who has time to read all that shit? And, OMG, the letters are so ****in' small. I heard you can totally try to make them bigger but all that computer shit is just, no. And all the Russian tabloids are always trying to say the skaters have, like, totally wild affairs and got boob jobs and are doing molly in Ibiza during the off season. Like, so ****ing what? We’re people, people!
IK: Many online posters have great love and respect for you. Did you know some of them gave you a nickname, Little Rose, after your Titanic program?
ER: That is literally the greatest movie of all time. I was pissed off at Nikolai for not including more totally killer lines. Like, “Draw me like some French bitches?” Would that not have saved the children or some shit like that? And, like, that scene where the old woman was remembering how Leonardo DiCaprio’s hand was like leaning against a window while they banged but now she’s super old and he’s dead and shit? God, that would have been so awesome-ass.
IK: So you wanted more voiceovers but Morosov didn’t accept the suggestion?
ER: LOL, when I first started working with him I got a text from Jana Khokhlova who was like, Girl you watch out for that weasel. I was like, How exactly are you still relevant? Like, your ass won Euros in literally the weakest-ass field since I was born. Or was it before I was even ****in’ born? It gets so hard with shit about time, right?
IK: I sometimes feel that way. Now that you’re not competing, can you say you’re relieved not to feel pressure to train triple Axels and quads to compete with girls like Trusova and Kostornaia?
ER: Until I turned like eighteen, I could eat whatever I wanted and it would literally have, like, no effect on my body. It was like, chocolate for dinner? Awesome! Fettuccini Alfredo and Thai iced tea for breakfast? Bring that shit on? So, like, I wonder if these girls also have killer metabolisms and they don’t even know what they could eat because they can’t eat it because they’re not allowed to. Like, all the missing yumminess? You don’t literally do that to a child.
IK: I resent that comment, particularly as it is completely lacking any concrete evidence. In hindsight, don’t you wish you had learned to follow a stricter diet?
ER: You know, I was just talking about this with my BFF and we were like, These Canadian skater girls look like actual people but they can still do most of the jumps. Like, their style sucks and they usually have ****in’ ugly-ass hair, but how is that shit possible? It’s like there’s something about the water in Russia.
IK: Maybe it’s better to stay away from the water. Also, I think the way different cultures approach the scientific aspects of athletics might play a role in what you’re analyzing.
ER: Girl, I literally have no ****in’ idea what you just said. Like, it’s totally confusing having to talk to adults who use these big-ass words. When I was getting home schooled my tutor would have me, like, count to five and play a lullaby on the kazoo and my homework was literally to go to skating practice.
IK: Well, practice must have worked because your style and passion won you many fans.
ER: OMG, I totally have so many followers on Insta. It’s cray. I like, post a picture showing off my awesome new lipstick and everyone is like, OMG Lil Rose you look so bangable right now I totally can’t believe it. It is pretty awesome, and even Tuktamysheva follows me and we totally hated each other’s guts when we were competitors. Now she’s like the sexy old woman of skating and I live for that shit! Tell us about your hottie and what you get up to in the bedroom, Empress! Spill that tea and slay your programs! Fill up one third of the rink with your slammin’ body!
IK: These compliments toward your former competitor are definitive proof that, no matter what other ladies skaters may have had that you didn't, no one ever skated with more heart than you did.
ER: Yeah, totes. I always had hearts on, like, my skates and my jewelry and my lucky thong. I totally don’t trust anyone who isn’t into hearts. It’s like, OMG, have you not seen the video for that old-ass song? Turn around, whatever heart something. It’s literally iconic.
IK: As Rose herself said in Titanic, "A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets."
ER: OMG, whatever.
IK: The end of your competitive career overlapped with the ascendancy of Eteri Tutberidze’s school. You must have had special insight competing against them, as you were once the young Russian girl succeeding in her first senior Grand Prix season.
ER: Oh yeah, like, totally. My second time at Junior Worlds, people were like, OMG Radio shouldn’t be competing there ‘cause she already won and, like, there were all these old-ass ladies raving about Sasha Proklova. Sasha trained with me and she was always kissing up to Inna, saying, Oh Inna, your bangs look hot today. Oh Inna, your fur coats are awesomer than anyone’s. Oh Inna, I wish you’d let Nikolai Morosov choreograph for me. We’d make a totally awesome couple.
IK: Whatever happened to Proklova?
ER: Like, who? LOL, I was just thinking about this killer dark red lipstick I saw at the mall. I have this totally hot dress with a picture of that, like, famous Japanese wave picture on it. I do these Insta photo shoots with my friends. It’s literally awesome.
IK: Moving back to the beginning of your skating experience, you originally started in the sport because your parents thought it would help your club foot.
ER: Cray, right? You know that when you’re like thirteen, skating boots make your feet look so ****in’ big? I remember people calling me, like, Bigfoot and shit like that. Do you know how much it hurts when assholes on the internet totally, like, insult your feet and your posture and . . . God, they even talked trash about JLo. She is, like, the tenth most iconic American model/actress.
IK: Did your coaches tell you to stay away from the online chat sites?
ER: Who has time to read all that shit? And, OMG, the letters are so ****in' small. I heard you can totally try to make them bigger but all that computer shit is just, no. And all the Russian tabloids are always trying to say the skaters have, like, totally wild affairs and got boob jobs and are doing molly in Ibiza during the off season. Like, so ****ing what? We’re people, people!
IK: Many online posters have great love and respect for you. Did you know some of them gave you a nickname, Little Rose, after your Titanic program?
ER: That is literally the greatest movie of all time. I was pissed off at Nikolai for not including more totally killer lines. Like, “Draw me like some French bitches?” Would that not have saved the children or some shit like that? And, like, that scene where the old woman was remembering how Leonardo DiCaprio’s hand was like leaning against a window while they banged but now she’s super old and he’s dead and shit? God, that would have been so awesome-ass.
IK: So you wanted more voiceovers but Morosov didn’t accept the suggestion?
ER: LOL, when I first started working with him I got a text from Jana Khokhlova who was like, Girl you watch out for that weasel. I was like, How exactly are you still relevant? Like, your ass won Euros in literally the weakest-ass field since I was born. Or was it before I was even ****in’ born? It gets so hard with shit about time, right?
IK: I sometimes feel that way. Now that you’re not competing, can you say you’re relieved not to feel pressure to train triple Axels and quads to compete with girls like Trusova and Kostornaia?
ER: Until I turned like eighteen, I could eat whatever I wanted and it would literally have, like, no effect on my body. It was like, chocolate for dinner? Awesome! Fettuccini Alfredo and Thai iced tea for breakfast? Bring that shit on? So, like, I wonder if these girls also have killer metabolisms and they don’t even know what they could eat because they can’t eat it because they’re not allowed to. Like, all the missing yumminess? You don’t literally do that to a child.
IK: I resent that comment, particularly as it is completely lacking any concrete evidence. In hindsight, don’t you wish you had learned to follow a stricter diet?
ER: You know, I was just talking about this with my BFF and we were like, These Canadian skater girls look like actual people but they can still do most of the jumps. Like, their style sucks and they usually have ****in’ ugly-ass hair, but how is that shit possible? It’s like there’s something about the water in Russia.
IK: Maybe it’s better to stay away from the water. Also, I think the way different cultures approach the scientific aspects of athletics might play a role in what you’re analyzing.
ER: Girl, I literally have no ****in’ idea what you just said. Like, it’s totally confusing having to talk to adults who use these big-ass words. When I was getting home schooled my tutor would have me, like, count to five and play a lullaby on the kazoo and my homework was literally to go to skating practice.
IK: Well, practice must have worked because your style and passion won you many fans.
ER: OMG, I totally have so many followers on Insta. It’s cray. I like, post a picture showing off my awesome new lipstick and everyone is like, OMG Lil Rose you look so bangable right now I totally can’t believe it. It is pretty awesome, and even Tuktamysheva follows me and we totally hated each other’s guts when we were competitors. Now she’s like the sexy old woman of skating and I live for that shit! Tell us about your hottie and what you get up to in the bedroom, Empress! Spill that tea and slay your programs! Fill up one third of the rink with your slammin’ body!
IK: These compliments toward your former competitor are definitive proof that, no matter what other ladies skaters may have had that you didn't, no one ever skated with more heart than you did.
ER: Yeah, totes. I always had hearts on, like, my skates and my jewelry and my lucky thong. I totally don’t trust anyone who isn’t into hearts. It’s like, OMG, have you not seen the video for that old-ass song? Turn around, whatever heart something. It’s literally iconic.
IK: As Rose herself said in Titanic, "A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets."
ER: OMG, whatever.
