Dad jokes and more

once_upon

Do all the good. All the time.
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I'm struggling with all the bad news, and other stuff lately.

I want to read some bad dad jokes, even if they have been told zillion times before. I wish I could remember the one my granddaughter said 6 mo ago. Even her dad was impressed.

So please let's go
 
I hear that @once_upon . Are you on Instagram? There are tons and tons of accounts that post humorous pictures and memes, and once you follow a few, your feed will fill up with a ton more :)

For me, daily doses of cute cats and funny memes go a long way. I also follow several florists because, pretty, and many painters and photographers as art makes me happy.
 
I hear that @once_upon . Are you on Instagram? There are tons and tons of accounts that post humorous pictures and memes, and once you follow a few, your feed will fill up with a ton more :)

For me, daily doses of cute cats and funny memes go a long way. I also follow several florists because, pretty, and many painters and photographers as art makes me happy.
I've decided no more other social media. I signed up for TikTok, mostly to see other countries than US skating videos and things I couldn't just open. For weeks I've gotten videos from Chinese and Russian sites - NSW. Even though I've done everything I know to refuse them. I've deleted account. Same with Instagram, Next Door, X, linked in etc. Maybe not NSW level but very annoying not what I want to see.

It seems many of posters use Blue sky. I'm just not going to do it anymore

Mods - close this thread or link it or whatever.
 
@once_upon I hear that too. It's frankly exhausting trying to stay ahead of the algorithms - one of the humorists I follow actually said he's waiting for AI to figure out the difference between something he clicked once out of morbid curiosity and something he's genuinely interested in. There are ways to manage the feeds, but it's also relentless. I still have an FB account I rarely visit - I only keep it for the occasional times I want to find out what old schoolmates and coworkers are up to. I found Instagram fun at first, was more involved, but now I'm pretty much down to as I said, funny memes, cute cats, and art.

I hope you find the kind of humour and other distractions you need.
 
This is next level from @Jot the Dot Dot

Rene Descartes walks into a bar, and proceeds to order many drinks. The bartender says to him a while later, seeing that he is completely inebriated, "I think you've had enough". Descartes slurs, "I think not!", then he disappears.
 
The only one I can think of at the moment is so corny that it stinks. Anyway, here goes.

Roy Rogers decided to go fishing one day to try out his new rod and reel. He had taken his shoes off so he wouldn't get them muddy. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a polecat came along and tore up his shoes.

When Roy got home, Dale Evans came out and said, "Pardon me, Roy. Is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"
 
This one is really a groaner:

Larry the lobster and Sam the clam where best friends. They did everything together... they even died together.

Larry went to heaven and Sam went to hell.

Larry was doing well in heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, “Larry, everyone likes you but you seem to be a bit depressed." Larry said, “Don’t get me wrong Pete, I like it up here, but I really miss my good friend Sam." St. Peter came up with a solution. “Tell you what, you can go down to hell tomorrow and visit Sam all day.”

Larry got up bright and early the next morning, grabbed his wings, his harp and halo and got in the elevator to hell. When the doors opened, he and Sam hugged each other and they were off. Sam owned a disco: they spent the day there together and had a great time.

When Larry went back, St. Peter blocked the doorway to heaven, asking “Larry, where is your harp?” Larry gasped and said -- wait for it --

“I Left My Harp in Sam Clam’s Disco.”
 
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Q: How many seconds are in a year?
A: 24. January the second, January the twenty-second, February the second, February the twenty-second..........
 
@TOADS, this one's for you.

A frog goes into a bank and hops over to the loan officer's desk.

He jumps up onto the chair and says to the officer "Hi, what is your name?"

The officer says "You can call me Mr. Padewak. What can I do for you?"

The frog replies "I want a loan"

"OK" says Mr.Padewak, "Let's fill out a loan application.

What is your name?"

"Kermit." He says, "Kermit Jagger"

"Oh, any relation to Mick Jagger?" Padewak asks.

"Yeah, he's my Dad!" answers the frog.

"Wow" says Padewak. "Do you have any collateral?"

"Yes, I do" and the frog reaches into his pocket and pulls out a big,
bright pink, ceramic elephant. He places it on the desk in front of Padewak.

Padewak scratches his head and says "Excuse me for a moment."
He then walks into the bank manager's office with the loan application
and the elephant in hand.

Padewak says, "Uh, Sir, there is this frog out there who wants a loan."

He hands the manager the application. "He brought this, this...uh, well,
I don't know what it is, for collateral!". He puts the shiny pink
elephant on the manager's desk. "What should I do?"

The bank manager stands up and shouts,
"It's a knick-knack, Padewak, give the frog a loan!!
His old man's a Rolling Stone!!!!!!
 
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter; it’s not going to come when you call.
 
You know the story of Mahatma Ghandi, right?

You know that he refused to wear shoes so his feet became hard and tough, right?

You know that he went for long periods fasting and refused to eat meat, even when he
wasn't fasting, right?

And you know that both the fasting and his diet made him have extremely bad breath, right?

And that he was of lean, slight build, especially in his later years?

So he was a super callous fragile mystic plagued with halitosis!
 
What do you call a French remodeler who is really terrible at doing floors?
Linoleum Blownapart

Why did everyone in the room look up and applaud? Because they were ceiling fans.

What happens if you run in front of a car? You get tired.
What happens if you run behind a car? You get exhausted.
 
GOD Made Adam Out of the Dust,
But Thought It Best to Make me First.
So, I Was Made Before the Man,
According To GOD'S Holy Plan.

My Whole Body GOD Made Complete,
Without Arms or Hands or Feet.
My Ways and Acts Did GOD Control,
But In My Body, He Placed No Soul.

A Living Being I Became,
And Adam Gave to Me A Name.
Then From His Presence I Withdrew,
For This Man Adam I Never Knew.

All My Maker's Laws I Do Obey,
And From These Laws I Never Stray.
Thousands Of Me Go in Fear,
But Seldom on the Earth Appear.

Later, for a Purpose GOD Did See,
He Placed a Living Soul in Me.
But That Soul of Mine GOD Had to Claim,
And From Me Took it Back Again.

And When This Soul from Me Had Fled,
I Was the Same as When First Made;
Without Arms, Legs, Feet or Soul,
I Travel on From Pole to Pole.

My Labors are from Day to Night,
And To Men I Once Furnished Light.
Thousands of People Both Young and Old,
Did By My Death Bright Lights Behold.

No Right or Wrong Can I Conceive;
The Bible and It's Teachings I Can't Believe.
The Fear of Death Doesn't Trouble Me;
Pure Happiness I Will Never See.

And Up in Heaven I Can Never Go,
Nor In the Grave or Hell Below.
So Get Your Bible and Read With Care;
You'll Find My Name Recorded There.


WHO AM I ?

The Answer Is One Word, The Word Is Five Letters Long
And Will Only Appear { 4 } Times in The King James Version of The Bible

The answer is:A Whale.
 

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