FSU Wedding Snarks

[oleada]

I know I'm not the only FSU-er planning a wedding right now

We got engaged in November. Now that I have a date (June 3rd, 2017) and a venue, I feel a both more relaxed and more stressed. More relaxed because we have a date and a place and it fit our budget (have I mentioned how insane the NYC wedding scene is?) and stressed because I gotta find a dress, DJ, officiant, etc, and this shit is real now

A lot of our guests are form out of town/state/country, so I am both terrified no one will come and that everyone will. My parents want to invite EVERYONE, and since they live abroad they say "So and so won't come, but we have to invite them" and feel that sending the invitation is the polite thing to do, but I think it feels gift grabby. I think I'll use that the venue only fits 100 comfortably with dancing...

On another note - what's the polite way to say to people to please give us money rather than stuff? Is there one? We have a tiny one bedroom apartment that cannot fit anything else. I'm 28, he's 33 - we have all the stuff we need. Just not register and let that spread through word of mouth?

 

[Buzz]

Congratulations and good luck.

 

[PrincessLeppard]

My friends requested donations to their favorite charities rather than gifts. Maybe you could do that?

 

[skatesindreams]

Are gifts of money common among your family/circle of friends?
Perhaps, one of them might "spread the word".

 

[oleada]

Are gifts of money common among your family/circle of friends?
Perhaps, one of them might "spread the word".

Yes, gifts of money are most common in our area. But as mentioned, we have a lot of out of town friends.

 

[screech]

I know of people using Honeyfund for gifts. One friend did this summer. Put things like flights, hotel rooms, meals, activities, etc (split everything up so lots of people could contribute - ex, $50 towards flights, one night hotel stay...). The money went to them, and you got to print out a 'receipt' for what you contributed towards - it didn't automatically book anything, and then they used all the contributions to make their dream honeymoon.

 

[NinjaTurtles]

On another note - what's the polite way to say to people to please give us money rather than stuff? Is there one? We have a tiny one bedroom apartment that cannot fit anything else. I'm 28, he's 33 - we have all the stuff we need. Just not register and let that spread through word of mouth?

We didn't register until people started begging that we create a registry; however, it worked for the most part and we mainly received cash.

You can note that there will be a box or something for cards. Card=the less direct way of saying cash. Plus, lots of wedding venues don't have the space to place all those gifts. I find most people opt out of giving goods versus cash when they can't bring the wrapped present to the reception.

 

[Southpaw]

Nice looking venue, @oleada. Great choice!

 

[oleada]

I know of people using Honeyfund for gifts. One friend did this summer. Put things like flights, hotel rooms, meals, activities, etc (split everything up so lots of people could contribute - ex, $50 towards flights, one night hotel stay...). The money went to them, and you got to print out a 'receipt' for what you contributed towards - it didn't automatically book anything, and then they used all the contributions to make their dream honeymoon.

My coworkers used/are using this! You're right, they don't book anything and you just get the money, to my understanding. I feel a bit weird having people pay for massages or flights or whatever (IDK why) but it's an option.

Thanks, @Southpaw - we originally wanted something outside the city, but since so many people are flying in, NYC made the most sense. It feels like you're far away from the city, but it's right there

 

[skatesindreams]

My niece and her husband used something similar to Honeyfund.
They had a considerable number of contributions.

I think that most of them were used for their honeymoon trip to France.

eta: What a great venue!

 

[Vagabond]

On another note - what's the polite way to say to people to please give us money rather than stuff? Is there one?

There is no polite way to initiate this if you are the ones who would be the recipients. If asked, you can say that the best gift anyone can give you is being present at the wedding, but if they want to do something more, you would prefer cash for the reasons you have stated.

 

[TheGirlCanSkate]

This might be helpful: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/06/you-can-ask-for-cash-in-l_n_4551378.html

I like the last part - if you don't need dishes, don't register where they are sold. Register at REI or Amazon wishlist for example or . I also like the "wishing well" idea, and it could fit in with your location. I would suggest you have a family member stay where cards are dropped off, my husband worked for a wedding venue and they ended up catching employees stealing - even as far as carrying empty envelopes so cards without cash or gift cards could be replaced.

I also found this: http://www.buzzfeed.com/peggy/13-unconventional-registry-ideas-for-the-modern-wedding#.xcaXw2qoR

CONGRATULATIONS! Your wedding location is so pretty too!!!

 

[my little pony]

among the people i know, no one takes gifts to the wedding. it's just piles of cards with checks. i guess it depends on who you are inviting and what is common where they are from.

 

[quartz]

That venue is perfect!!

 

[Aceon6]

In my circle, there's no polite way to say you want cash. As others indicated upthread, you can avoid registering for anything and just remind people that you already have a household and don't need much of anything.

That said, stuff is relative. My niece had dishes and pots and pans, but they were from her first apartment days and weren't the best quality. If you'd like to get rid of your assortment of early adulthood hand me downs and donations, now is the time. Same for sheets and towels.

 

[allezfred]

Congratulations @oleada

I'm planning a wedding. Hopefully snark-free.

 

[once_upon]

Congratulations. If I made any resolution in 2016, it is to refrain from posting in wedding threads beyond congratulations

 

[escaflowne9282]

I know I'm not the only FSU-er planning a wedding right now

We got engaged in November. Now that I have a date (June 3rd, 2017) and a venue, I feel a both more relaxed and more stressed. More relaxed because we have a date and a place and it fit our budget (have I mentioned how insane the NYC wedding scene is?) and stressed because I gotta find a dress, DJ, officiant, etc, and this shit is real now

A lot of our guests are form out of town/state/country, so I am both terrified no one will come and that everyone will. My parents want to invite EVERYONE, and since they live abroad they say "So and so won't come, but we have to invite them" and feel that sending the invitation is the polite thing to do, but I think it feels gift grabby. I think I'll use that the venue only fits 100 comfortably with dancing...

On another note - what's the polite way to say to people to please give us money rather than stuff? Is there one? We have a tiny one bedroom apartment that cannot fit anything else. I'm 28, he's 33 - we have all the stuff we need. Just not register and let that spread through word of mouth?

IME at NY weddings, everyone just gives money. I actually think I've only ever been to one wedding where they had a registry, and most people still gave cash. I would just not bother with having any kind of registry. With so many people coming from far away, you could say that for convenience you opted not to have one.

In any case, Congratulations on your engagement!!!

 

[manhn]

What a beautiful venue! And the menu! A mac n cheese station--wow! A slider bar? Love it!

 

[oleada]

Congrats, @allezfred! Good luck with your planning.

What a beautiful venue! And the menu! A mac n cheese station--wow! A slider bar? Love it!

The Mac & Cheese bar is extra so I doubt we'll splurge for that, but you can get mac & cheese balls as a passed hors d'ouvres.

I'm kind of blown away at the amount of food in most places. One venue we saw had an included pasta station as part of the cocktail hour. But pasta is a meal by itself in my mind

 

[Kultakissu]

What a gorgeous venue! Congratulations oleada

We got married 6 years ago now (wow does time fly!). We're lucky to live in a place where it's totally acceptable to outright ask for money rather than any material stuff. (In a nice "if you wish to give us something, then we are very grateful but... -way). We did what a lot of people do: we wrote out a long (A4) info sheet which we photocopied and stuffed in the envelopes with the wedding invites. It had everything from directions to the venue with an actual map (it was in the middle of nowhere), what kind of entertainment/food/bar there was going to be, that the venue did not have central heating so people should bring warm clothes for the evening, that it was going to be a PG-12 event etc etc.

In the end we added that since we were both 30+ and had lived away from our parents for 10+ years, we already had not just everything but two of everything. So, instead of stuff we would appreciate a small contribution to our "honeymoon fund". Followed by bank details for an account that we opened specifically for the purpose (we have our own accounts otherwise).

We ended up getting just about enough to cover the catering bill, since we paid for most of the wedding ourselves (it was a big one as we had a lot of guests). Of course some of our closest friends and family still brought actual presents, and some gave us both. I think a lot of people actually appreciate not having to worry about what to get, and knowing that what they do give (ie. cash) is actually going to be useful. As for physical stuff that we can look at and remember the wedding by: almost everybody also gave us a card or a beautiful note, and I noticed that people had put a lot of effort into making really lovely ones themselves - because they missed having a physical present to wrap, I suppose.

It turned out that it was a great idea to have the money go straight into an account, because later that autumn there were a few cases where the couple had also asked for money but the guests had had to bring it to the wedding in envelopes. And of course it was a lot of money and of course those envelopes were stolen during the ceremony. Yikes.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's a mill a bit like that one on my property (my grandpa, whose house I bought, was the village miller) and now I feel like I want to renovate it and rent it out as a wedding venue

At the moment it's floor-to-ceiling full of stuff from 4 generations, so maybe not

 

[alj5]

Congratulations! The venue is magical.

In my family, I could not have gotten away with just asking for cash (plus, this was about 10 years ago). We had a small registry of things we will always need or just needed a new one of (bed linens and towels, an additional 4 placesettings of my regular silverware are what I recall). But we didn't register for china, crystal, etc. We inherited set of all that stuff from our grandmothers, and to be honest I don't think I've looked at it in the 10 years we've had it. One thing we had on our wedding website was "Date night" gift cards. As our registry list sold out fast (there were literally like 25 individual items on it), we ended up with lots of restaurant and movie gift cards and a good deal of cash.

I've had friends that have gotten married recently that have put things on the invitation like: We are saving for a house, so we are requesting help with that in lieu of gifts. If you are not comfortable with that, please donate to XXX charity instead.

My sister in law did that last summer, and she had only about $150 to the charity and ended up with about $20K in cash.

 

[paskatefan]

Congrats!

 

[made_in_canada]

That's a beautiful venue, oleada!

We're kind of in the same boat as far as gifts except that we end up entertaining quite a bit and do need some extras of things so we'll register for that. Most of our guests are travelling though at considerable expense so I hope they don't feel obligated to give a gift too.

I wouldn't worry too much about too many people coming. Our wedding is this July and already I think we're down a couple of dozen people from our initial list just because of other things going on in their lives and we haven't even sent out invitations. Also, if people are travelling a long distance, we're finding that only one or two people from the family are coming not everyone in the family. I just need to get my dad to stop telling people they're invited to the wedding without talking to me first, lol.

 

[antmanb]

I have no advice to give but love the venue! It looks gorgeous!

 

[Angelskates]

That's a beautiful venue, oleada!

We're kind of in the same boat as far as gifts except that we end up entertaining quite a bit and do need some extras of things so we'll register for that. Most of our guests are travelling though at considerable expense so I hope they don't feel obligated to give a gift too.

I wouldn't worry too much about too many people coming. Our wedding is this July and already I think we're down a couple of dozen people from our initial list just because of other things going on in their lives and we haven't even sent out invitations. Also, if people are travelling a long distance, we're finding that only one or two people from the family are coming not everyone in the family. I just need to get my dad to stop telling people they're invited to the wedding without talking to me first, lol.

I missed your news, I think. Congratulations!

Your venue is lovely, oleada!

@alj5 - 20K that stuns me!

 

[oleada]

Thank you for the well wishes, everyone! We're very excited .Well, mostly me. My fiance cares very little about the details and would probably be just fine eloping, but he's dealing with the wedding for me.

There's a mill a bit like that one on my property (my grandpa, whose house I bought, was the village miller) and now I feel like I want to renovate it and rent it out as a wedding venue

At the moment it's floor-to-ceiling full of stuff from 4 generations, so maybe not

Hey, renovated bars/mills/whatever are all the rage for weddings! You'd probably make a killing, if you can deal with the hassle.

 

[alj5]

@alj5 - 20K that stuns me!

Well I'm pretty sure a good portion came from their parents so they can buy a house.

 

[AxelAnnie]

There is no polite way to initiate this if you are the ones who would be the recipients. If asked, you can say that the best gift anyone can give you is being present at the wedding,

That, a thousand times. One does not ask for money for themselves. It is rude and self-serving. You can always say "no gifts, please. If you don't want gifts because you have a small place......ask for people to make a donation to one of several charities. Or, find a place to store the gifts that were lovingly chosen for you. I assume you plan to have a bigger place at some point. I had a very, very small wedding. Some good friends of my husband's gave us a crystal I guess it is a cake plate. I use it every Friday and place my challot on it. I think these people every time I reach in the cabinet for the plate.

When one asks for money, what is really said is: I want the cash so I have some money to pay bills or help pay for my new house, car, trip, whatever. And, if people are traveling from overseas, that, in and of itself is a huge gift.

As to inviting people.....invite people who are important to you, as long as you are paying for the wedding. If our parents are paying, they should have a say as too who is invited. As to inviting people who you think won't come............well, that doesn't make a whole lot of sense unless these people are close to you. If you are having proper invitations, you can always include a card that says something like: We understand that this may be much too far for you to travel. We just want you to know that you are loved by us, and we would love to celebrate with you. (there is some very nice way to say that so it removes guilt, and allows them to make a choice that works for them).

Good luck with all the decisions, and keep in mind that the wedding is not the important thing, the marriage is

 

[taf2002]

Congratulations @oleada. Your venue is beautiful. I agree with others - there is no polite way you or your fiancé can ask for money. But there's no reason that someone else can't spread the word for you. I can understand you not wanting to clutter up the apartment with a lot of unwanted stuff but replacing some of the stuff you have now like sheets or towels for better quality stuff won't take up more room. Maybe you don't cook much now but that doesn't mean you'll never need good kitchen equipment & you'll eventually want nice things for entertaining. I know your own family is far away & can't store things for you but what about your fiancé's family?