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Ivana Komova's interview with Michael Weiss for www.overcompensation.us:
IK: Last weekend, while the greatest skaters in the world were competing in Minsk, hundreds of Americans got to hear you talk about their own national championship.
MW: Back in my day, it wasn’t all about thirteen years old girls and FaceTiming at Yale. In 2001, after the judges decided to be massive cocksuckers and put me in fourth after I had won the whole thing the previous two years, I remember I was walking back to my hotel room to read Hustler and watch Gladiator. Let me tell you, in that hotel hallway babes were complimenting my William Tell program left and right and asking me to pull my arrow out my quiver, if you know what I mean. Only men were doing the big jumps then, but now you’ve got these little girls landing triples and quadruples.
IK: Quadruples only in Russia, of course.
MW: Actually, I was a big part of the history of the quad. People think of my skating and they think of quads and the Mike Pike and the Tornado. Sometimes they should think even more about all those things, but especially the quad. You’re too young to remember this, but in 1997 I was supposed to be the first American man to successfully complete a quad toe loop. Now, you can ask any woman who’s ever spent the night or afternoon or late morning with me about successful completion and you’ll get the same answer, but those ****ers on the judging panel did not accept my quad. I would like to find those people today and show them pictures of my beautiful wife and kids and let them know they did not destroy the spirit of men and families in skating no matter how badly they wanted to.
IK: Now we are asking who will be the first skater to land a quadruple Axel. Do you think it will be an American man?
MW: I don’t know, but Tom Zakrajsek—who is married to a woman and has two kids, just like me—told me that all of his senior men can regularly land a quadruple Axel in a harness. That reminds me of my 2004 Nationals free skate, the year I skated to “Patriotic Medley” by Various Artists. After my skate, women were throwing harnesses onto the ice—not just that, but there were panties, bras, even Polaroids of erotic pictures with their email addresses on the back. I always wondered who [email protected] was.
IK: Since I was too busy to watch U.S. Nationals, tell me what some of the best moments were.
MW: Two words: Nathan. Frickin’. Chen. If you watch the video of his free skate, you’ll hear me say at least fifteen times how I was literally speechless from that virile display of manliness. If I were his parents, I would have had a bright red Hummer limo waiting outside the arena with at least two extremely hot hookers in it. Give that man the night he deserves after having to do all that frou-frou girly costume fitting with some old Asian lady. Those designer costumes are silly. Put the man in a pair of Levis and a white T-shirt with fake tattoo arms! Of course, Tim Dolonsky was wearing that getup minus the tats and he looked macho as heck.
IK: How about the pairs and dance events?
MW: Those are two of my favorite disciplines because everyone out there is paired up, one man and one woman, the way it should be. There’s no confusion about what’s going on when you use the word “partner” when you’re talking about pairs or dance unless you’re not sure whether they’re also partners off the ice, like Kevin Reynolds and that lady who won Canadians. But they aren’t partners on the ice. You know—it’s a little bit confusing, but when I feel that way I put on that tattoo shirt and a wig that looks exactly like my hair in 1998 and do karaoke to “Battle Hymn of the Republic” for my wife.
IK: One of the stories fans have been inspired by is the return to the ice of Deanna Stellato, who is actually old enough that she competed, like you, in 2000 Nationals.
MW: Boy, do I remember that. Quicken Loans Arena, Cleveland, Ohio. That was when we could get big, masculine sponsors rather than some cheap sissy pizza company. My son was only a few months old, but we needed both my kids there to show the audience that a man with a wife and two sons could demonstrate family values on the nation’s biggest figure skating stage, because if figure skating fans don’t believe in men and their families, our country is in a real sad place. My son had a bad case of the flu, but every single one of my twenty-six relatives in the audience—who were all sitting in a row so they could hold up letters spelling WE ARE PROUD OF MIKEY USA!—passed my sick kid back and forth. They made some random lady hold him during my skate so they could show the letters better.
IK: What are you looking forward to from the rest of the skating season?
MW: Anaheim, baby! I remember back in 2002 when Nationals were in Los Angeles, which isn’t too far from Anaheim. That was the year I decided to expand my style to prove I could be an international male, so my wife choreographed me programs to “Malagueña” and Poochy. Back in those days, a guy like me couldn’t walk one block in downtown Los Angeles without being approached by a plethora of prostitutes. This year I imagine it’s going to be the same for a lot of our guys—Nathan, Jason, whoever the third one is. And Keegan Messing from Canada is engaged to a girl, so when they get married he’ll become part of the legacy. Maybe do a program of patriotic Canadian songs, if they have any.
IK: And for Worlds, will you be watching from Saitama?
MW: I’ve got more important things to worry about, like going home to make passionate love to my wife and then scrutinizing my DVD of the 2003 Grand Prix Final to see if I can finally figure out the identity of the lady who screamed so loudly during the Mike Pike that I ****ed up the next jump. Lady, I know you’re out there and there’s a lawsuit with your name on it. You can’t hide forever. Face recognition technology. Testosterone. I’ve got to find the nearest Victoria’s Secret catalog!
IK: Thank you. It was interesting to speak with a fellow proponent of heterosexuality.
IK: Last weekend, while the greatest skaters in the world were competing in Minsk, hundreds of Americans got to hear you talk about their own national championship.
MW: Back in my day, it wasn’t all about thirteen years old girls and FaceTiming at Yale. In 2001, after the judges decided to be massive cocksuckers and put me in fourth after I had won the whole thing the previous two years, I remember I was walking back to my hotel room to read Hustler and watch Gladiator. Let me tell you, in that hotel hallway babes were complimenting my William Tell program left and right and asking me to pull my arrow out my quiver, if you know what I mean. Only men were doing the big jumps then, but now you’ve got these little girls landing triples and quadruples.
IK: Quadruples only in Russia, of course.
MW: Actually, I was a big part of the history of the quad. People think of my skating and they think of quads and the Mike Pike and the Tornado. Sometimes they should think even more about all those things, but especially the quad. You’re too young to remember this, but in 1997 I was supposed to be the first American man to successfully complete a quad toe loop. Now, you can ask any woman who’s ever spent the night or afternoon or late morning with me about successful completion and you’ll get the same answer, but those ****ers on the judging panel did not accept my quad. I would like to find those people today and show them pictures of my beautiful wife and kids and let them know they did not destroy the spirit of men and families in skating no matter how badly they wanted to.
IK: Now we are asking who will be the first skater to land a quadruple Axel. Do you think it will be an American man?
MW: I don’t know, but Tom Zakrajsek—who is married to a woman and has two kids, just like me—told me that all of his senior men can regularly land a quadruple Axel in a harness. That reminds me of my 2004 Nationals free skate, the year I skated to “Patriotic Medley” by Various Artists. After my skate, women were throwing harnesses onto the ice—not just that, but there were panties, bras, even Polaroids of erotic pictures with their email addresses on the back. I always wondered who [email protected] was.
IK: Since I was too busy to watch U.S. Nationals, tell me what some of the best moments were.
MW: Two words: Nathan. Frickin’. Chen. If you watch the video of his free skate, you’ll hear me say at least fifteen times how I was literally speechless from that virile display of manliness. If I were his parents, I would have had a bright red Hummer limo waiting outside the arena with at least two extremely hot hookers in it. Give that man the night he deserves after having to do all that frou-frou girly costume fitting with some old Asian lady. Those designer costumes are silly. Put the man in a pair of Levis and a white T-shirt with fake tattoo arms! Of course, Tim Dolonsky was wearing that getup minus the tats and he looked macho as heck.
IK: How about the pairs and dance events?
MW: Those are two of my favorite disciplines because everyone out there is paired up, one man and one woman, the way it should be. There’s no confusion about what’s going on when you use the word “partner” when you’re talking about pairs or dance unless you’re not sure whether they’re also partners off the ice, like Kevin Reynolds and that lady who won Canadians. But they aren’t partners on the ice. You know—it’s a little bit confusing, but when I feel that way I put on that tattoo shirt and a wig that looks exactly like my hair in 1998 and do karaoke to “Battle Hymn of the Republic” for my wife.
IK: One of the stories fans have been inspired by is the return to the ice of Deanna Stellato, who is actually old enough that she competed, like you, in 2000 Nationals.
MW: Boy, do I remember that. Quicken Loans Arena, Cleveland, Ohio. That was when we could get big, masculine sponsors rather than some cheap sissy pizza company. My son was only a few months old, but we needed both my kids there to show the audience that a man with a wife and two sons could demonstrate family values on the nation’s biggest figure skating stage, because if figure skating fans don’t believe in men and their families, our country is in a real sad place. My son had a bad case of the flu, but every single one of my twenty-six relatives in the audience—who were all sitting in a row so they could hold up letters spelling WE ARE PROUD OF MIKEY USA!—passed my sick kid back and forth. They made some random lady hold him during my skate so they could show the letters better.
IK: What are you looking forward to from the rest of the skating season?
MW: Anaheim, baby! I remember back in 2002 when Nationals were in Los Angeles, which isn’t too far from Anaheim. That was the year I decided to expand my style to prove I could be an international male, so my wife choreographed me programs to “Malagueña” and Poochy. Back in those days, a guy like me couldn’t walk one block in downtown Los Angeles without being approached by a plethora of prostitutes. This year I imagine it’s going to be the same for a lot of our guys—Nathan, Jason, whoever the third one is. And Keegan Messing from Canada is engaged to a girl, so when they get married he’ll become part of the legacy. Maybe do a program of patriotic Canadian songs, if they have any.
IK: And for Worlds, will you be watching from Saitama?
MW: I’ve got more important things to worry about, like going home to make passionate love to my wife and then scrutinizing my DVD of the 2003 Grand Prix Final to see if I can finally figure out the identity of the lady who screamed so loudly during the Mike Pike that I ****ed up the next jump. Lady, I know you’re out there and there’s a lawsuit with your name on it. You can’t hide forever. Face recognition technology. Testosterone. I’ve got to find the nearest Victoria’s Secret catalog!
IK: Thank you. It was interesting to speak with a fellow proponent of heterosexuality.
I thought that was just a joke. Someone really screamed like that and distracted Mike? Did that poster do it for that purpose?
