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I got engaged! Unfortunately....

Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by woodstock, Dec 26, 2011.

  1. millyskate

    millyskate Well-Known Member

    It's going to hurt a lot. To suggest that it won't is unrealistic.

    The way people react to your ring will depend on the way you present it. If they sense that you love it, they will too. If they sense you're uncomfortable, they will be as well.

    I'll just say that often, unconventional jewelery grows on you. It's like when someone gives you an item of clothing you wouldn't have chosen for youself... Either you reject it outright, or you give it a try, and work your own style around it. Often, if given a chance, it'll "take" after a while.

    If it's really too difficult to wear all the time, suggest getting a plainer, cheap ring you can wear for work, and say you'll keep the one he gave for special occasions.

    Loving someone entails taking them as they are, inappropriate gifts and all. I understand your feelings, but IMO love entails making sacrifices on important things... if they weren't important, it wouldn't be a sacrifice. And accepting and learning to like an unusual engagement ring is one of those.
  2. Desperado

    Desperado Well-Known Member

    I don't think starting a life together with an "important sacrifice" is the way to go. Life will throw enough of them your way, no need to add to the pile right off the bat.

    Woodstock, this ring just doesn't do it for you. I feel that if you don't find a caring way to tell your fiance the ring is an issue, every time you see it, for however long you choose to wear it, you will feel a little resentful towards him and that feeling might grow and come out later in a very bad way. This cannot be good for a couple about to get married.
  3. rjblue

    rjblue Having a great day!

    If this is a "major" issue for either of them, then they probably shouldn't be getting married. It's sad that the traditions of the joyous presenting of the ring got spoiled for them, but if were an actual problem to their relationship, then it would be a signal to not get married.

    It is awful when someone gives you a gift, or does something very special for you, that ends up making you sad or uncomfortable. And it's even worse when you have to tell them about it. In this case woodstock doesn't really have a choice- she can't wear the ring as an everyday piece of jewelry. If it were me, I'd keep it and wear it on very special occasions- holidays, anniversaries and such, and then go as a couple and pick matching, ornate wedding rings. I wouldn't replace it with another ring, because you get engaged with a commitment, not a ring.

    (rjblue- happily married almost 30 years, no engagement ring yet...)
  4. snoopysnake

    snoopysnake Well-Known Member

    Wouldn't your ring be hazardous then, if you work with aggressive patients? They could twist the ring so that it stabs you or otherwise causes you injury. It might also cause injury to the patients. This could be your out.

    I agree with having it made into a brooch or using it as a special necklace to wear outside of work.

    How about collaborating on rings that are meaningful to both of you. My husband and I have rings with infinity symbols.
  5. genevieve

    genevieve drinky typo pbp, closet hugger Staff Member

    I agree with your first paragraph, but I think people need to recognize that changing the ring is ALSO an "important sacrifice", because it says that finance failed at finding an acceptable ring, despite his efforts to find something that really spoke to her. As has been mentioned, his feelings will be hurt in this, and that should be as big of a consideration as hers.

    ^^ ITA :cheer2:
    rjblue and (deleted member) like this.
  6. VALuvsMKwan

    VALuvsMKwan Wandering Goy

    I would never want someone whom I cared about to feel obligated to endure wearing something so symbolically important as an engagement ring which that person did not like, and most certainly not if it caused physical discomfort - no matter how much thought or effort I had put into it.
    mag and (deleted member) like this.
  7. tarotx

    tarotx Well-Known Member

    Engagement rings aren't the important thing but pain and feelings are major. You can't live with something that makes you uncomfortable (rather it be physical or emotional) but he picked something out for you. It was important to him that he gave you something unique. I agree the best thing to do is go together and pick out ornate wedding rings.

    Communication is super important. Talk this out with him. Make sure you listen to him. Make sure he listens to you.

    Maybe you and he can go search for a new butterfly ring that you would love and be able to wear. Maybe you can make this a special time for you two. Maybe create a new tradition among the two of you. You and he can search together for the perfect gift for each other. No surprises but special togetherness time. The real gift is the together time.
  8. Japanfan

    Japanfan Well-Known Member

    People in long-term partnerships are going to hurt each others' feelings. But honesty is more important than hurt feelings because if those feelings aren't expressed, resentment builds and can turn into smouldering anger.

    So I'd advice Woodstock to start with being honest and acknowledging her partner's efforts. But first, ask yourself, why is it so important to get other people's approval for your ring? Then, ask yourself if his gesture to you is more important than others' approval?

    And talk to him honestly about all the above. Very often talking resolves the issue. If you can't talk honestly now, it doesn't bode well for a good marriage IMO. He made a sweet gesture that didn't work out as planned but there is room for negotiation. He might want to exchange the ring, especially if he spent a lot of money on it. Or, he might want you to keep it to wear very occasionally and ask you to pick out your wedding ring. Or, you might decide you want to keep it after all.
  9. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

    That's exactly how I would go about it, although the fact that the main focus of the original post being that nobody knows it's an engagement ring is IMO showing that her focus isn't really on the physical stuff. :shuffle:

    That's a fantastic idea! But again, depends on what woodstock wants her engagement ring to say. If she wants to show off a ring she LOVES on her finger, the ring has to be changed because of the various reasons she's stated.

    Granted, it would be very hard for even my mother to choose jewelry that I would like, because I NEVER talk about what I like in jewelry. So if the ring was supposed to be a complete and total surprise, unless he's a psychic, it would be a miracle if he got anything close to what she liked. :lol: The men who manage to please their fiancee with surprise engagement rings I think always go for the traditional rings with big diamonds, because that's what society says all women LOVE in an engagement ring. If you stick with that, more often than not you'll be right. :lol:

    I do think woodstock has to be honest now, especially since she hasn't gotten married yet. An engagement ring will be small potatoes compared to other things faced in a marriage...
  10. agalisgv

    agalisgv Well-Known Member

    Very well said

    Two other considerations--first, it's not always possible to return engagement rings. So I wouldn't assume that's an option. Second, many people who work in health-related settings (eg. hospitals, clinics, nursing homes, etc.) are prohibited from wearing any rings whatsoever, and most commonly rings with protruding gem stones because patients are frequently cut/scraped by such rings. So I wouldn't assume having a solitaire or other engagement ring would be any more workplace-friendly than the current one.
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2011
  11. woodstock

    woodstock Active Member

    Pre-engagement (weeks ago when he started making comments on my small hands). "yes dear, I have small fingers, size 6. I can't really wear big jewelery so anything larger than a 1/2 carat solitare would be too big for me". And on my favorites toolbar, right on top of my computer, for 3 months now, I've had three different rings linked. On the toolbar it even says "diamond" and "bridal". I mentioned that to him today, and for all the times the man was on the computer with it staring in his face at the top of the screen...he never clicked on those sites. Other than placing a printed picture right in front of his face, I put out a lot of indicators on my preferences for a ring.

    I couldn't find the exact ring online but this is the most similar design to what he got me only that the wings are smooth crescent shaped with pointy tips and the spine is small diamond chips and the band wraps around from the lower tip of the body and connects into the middle of one wing.


    Plain and simple, it's fashion jewelery. I want to beat the salesperson who told him any ring can be an engagement ring. NOBODY even realizes I'm engaged, I wore it for a whole hour at Christmas dinner before my aunt even asked about my new ring. Nobody has said anything more than "um, that's nice. It's pretty". My mother called it costume jewelery from QVC (first thing out of her mouth when I had to POINT OUT to my family that I was engaged, not "congratulations" , not "it's beautiful, I'm so happy for you". Nope the FIRST thing out of my mothers mouth was "it looks like costume jewelry from QVC"). Another person said TO MY FACE that technically people have gotten engaged with rings from bubble gum machines. One of the patients at work (not dementia, just bluntly honest in the way some old people are since they're too old to care) said "what, was he too cheap to buy you a real ring?". My fiance is not the one getting these remarks. He's nowhere around when it's being said. He says he doesn't care, but he's not the one trying to excitedly show off an engagement ring and getting hurt repeatedly in return. It's ruining the moment in a big way. Maybe he'd feel different if it was his family who saw what he gave me and was blatantly derogatory about it to his face. But he's far away when I'm getting these comments about something that is supposed to be one of the most special pieces of jewelry in my life.

    And even worse it the very first thing I told him after I said yes, as he was still on one knee and opened the box and proudly asked "do you like it?" was a lie. The very first thing I did to my fiance was lie to him. What else was I to do?

    The one poster summed it up perfectly...I like figure skating too, but it doesn't mean I want a skate for my bridal set. I'm traditional, my fiance knows that. He got an idea and got stuck on it and all my words and comments prior to the engagement fell on deaf ears.

    I'm playing up the "the one wing tip is shredding my finger" card. He's upset and hurt. He insists the jeweler can fix it. I pointed out how much a wedding band will probably cost to custom set to this ring. He admitted that he didn't think of that. He says he wanted something special for me and is really stuck on me having this ring, even after I was literally crying to him about how people are saying not nice things about my ring and I'm having to specifically point out to everybody that I'm engaged since nobody has a clue due to the fashion style of the ring. He still insists that we should try to make this ring work and fix the finger shredding. He said no way could we get engaged without him having bought me a ring first, and insists on this one. I said it's okay if we had looked together for something that would be on MY finger for the rest of my life, but he said that it wouldn't have been romantic and he wanted to choose something perfect for me himself.

    It's so perfect that I'm crying alot. And I'm tired of all the hurtful comments. And all my engagement memories now involved shocked/pity faces, "what do you mean your engaged? where's the ring?" and mean comments. Especially from my own mother-"you need to get a lawyer before you get married to protect your finances, as obviously money is tight for him by the looks of your ring".

    He wanted to buy me a butterfly engagement ring. He obviously didn't search the internet as I found this within five minutes yesterday. http://www.callacut.com/viewitem.asp?idProduct=75&priceRange=0x999999&curPage=2 If it fits well, then it is PERFECT for me. I think it looks plenty bridal enough for my taste, it has the butterfly for what he wants me to have. It comes with a simple wedding band. The band and engagement can easily be worn separately or together, I won't always have to wear them together as I would a custom wrapped wedding band. And the main setting is around a 1/2 carat of diamonds.

    I told him I found a really nice ring. He refuses to even look at it. He says its only romantic if he chooses my ring. I was really close to telling him how unromantic it is that I've been in tears several times now over the romantic ring he chose for me. I love my fiance. I love that he truly doesn't give a crap at what people think or say- I wish I could be as self confident as that. But right now all my memories tied into this ring are: a lie to him, people looking upon it poorly and making rude comments or just giving "looks" that you just know are negative, a painful finger, and (I love my mother, but she can be a rude negative person, and despite me knowing she is rude and negative-her opinion still has great sway on my emotions) my memories of announcing my engagement to my family are all negative because they all reacted in a "what kind of engagement ring is that?" kind of way.

    I look at this ring and it makes me sad.
  12. Auntie

    Auntie Well-Known Member

    Based on what you posted here, he truly doesn't give a crap about what you think or say either. I'm sorry that you feel guilty and embarrassed and sad about your ring and it sounds like you have every right to feel that way. If you this much disconnect as a couple about the ring I'd be wary about how you will handle the conflicts that occur during married life. :(
  13. rfisher

    rfisher Will you rise like a phoenix or be a burnt chicken

    Particularly, since you work in healthcare. To be honest, you'll probably stop wearing the engagement ring at work after the newness wears off. A plain band is much safer and easier to keep clean. Go with your job requirements. You'll be honest and his feelings won't be hurt either. You can keep the ring and wear it on special occasions if he insists. Go with work requirements. :)
  14. Nekatiivi

    Nekatiivi Well-Known Member

    My heart really goes out for you woodstock!

    For the sake of your relationship I think it would be best to be honest with him and tell him how unromantic and hurtful it is that he dosen't care about your feelings in this matter at all. I would also point out that you did give him hints what kind of ring you would like to have and he dismissed all these hints. He can only blame himself for the situation.
  15. cruisin

    cruisin Banned Member

    Getting engaged should be a joyous time. You should not be sad over the ring. It is sweet that your fiancée wanted to get you something unique, but he should save that for another occasion. You should have an engagement ring that you love, or at least like. The fact that it hurts you and is impractical, makes for an even more compelling reason to exchange it. My daughter has already told her boyfriend that he should take me with him whenever the time comes for choosing a ring. She has sent me photos of what she likes. If your fiancée can't afford a center diamond, he could get a traditional setting and put a semi-precious stone in it, for now. A diamond could go in later.

    I think you should be honest with him. I am sure that he would want you to wear the ring and if you can't wear the one he picked, he should understand.

    Congratulations! And I wish you great joy and happiness. But, exchange the ring. If you don't, you'll never be happy with it and will feel guilty for not wearing it.
  16. AndyWarhol

    AndyWarhol Well-Known Member


    If you are going to spend your life with this man, you must be able to tell him you want a different ring. You deserve something you love and are going to be proud of.
  17. millyskate

    millyskate Well-Known Member

    I think that's extremely unfair to the fiance. Men generally don't get hints, full stop. Unless he'd been told "I want a solitaire and don't like fashion style rings", he would not have understood. He, I'm sure, put a lot of thought and care into picking the ring, and in his mind, making it a surprise was romantic. His feelings are just as valid as the OP's. I'm not sure if he's been told about the family's reactions, but if he has that would have been completely crushing and devastating to him. Of course, he would react defensively.

    I think the ony people truly at fault in this story are the incredibly rude, insentive family members.

    There are two people in this, and dismissing his feelings is not going to help the overall situation. I think presentation is all important, and appealing to his romantic nature is quite possibly the way to move things forward. Rather than telling him what he did was unromantic and inadequate, say you appreciate his ring because of the thought that went into it. Nevertheless, you've got an unfulfilled dream of a princess style classic solitaire that is unfulfilled, and you'll always be a bit disappointed if that doesn't ever happen. Maybe suggest an anniversary / occasion where he could make that dream come true for you.
    His dream was picking out a special ring for you, don't break that for him.
  18. succubus

    succubus Well-Known Member

    I don't know how to solve your ring issue, but I think your mom's being kind of a poop imo. Right or wrong, she could be a tad bit more constructive in her criticism.

    Best of luck to you and hope you soon are able to enjoy what's happening!
  19. Cupid

    Cupid Well-Known Member

    When I got engaged, my mother looked at the ring and asked me if I were sure he bought it for me. I didn't know what she meant by that, and then she explained that maybe he bought it for someone else and it didn't work out and he had it anyways, and gave it to me. I guess she couldn't believe that someone would actually buy me a diamond ring!

    That ring is very lovely, appropriate as a wedding ring, resembles the butterfly he wants you to have, and YOU like it. Please return the ring he gave you. You will never look at it and feel happy, ever.

    Will it also only be romantic if you choose his wedding band? Will he have any say? Are you picking just a plain old gold band? If he insists you keep the ring he picked for you, I would get something equally inappropriate for him and see how he feels when the shoe is on the other foot. Maybe pick out a bumble bee or firefly, something to "match" the ring he gave you:shuffle:
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2011
  20. Louise

    Louise Banned Member

    Does he have enough money to buy a more traditional engagement ring? If so, keep the butterfly for special occasions and wear the one you want all the time. The only time I've ever heard of a couple returning an engagement ring was when my friend realized that her fiance didn't spend three months salary on her ring, since she was led to believe that is common tradition. Her fiance made a bit over $100K/year and she expected a ring in the 25-30K range. I was appalled, never heard of that 'rule'. Has anyone else heard of that rule? I asked her if that meant three months pay after taxes, bills, insurance, house payments, etc and she was adamant that it was right off the top. (They are now divorced btw and she sold the ring for $20K).
  21. Cupid

    Cupid Well-Known Member

    I just googled it and it said two-months' salary is a good starting point. :lol: Seems a little steep, especially if you made a good salary.

    Most people would be happy with a one-carat perfect/near-perfect diamond. Not sure what that goes for these days.

    I'm starting to think that maybe this is a prank on his part. To see whether she truly loved him enough to keep the ring and not say anything about it. Maybe he will present her with that ring she linked here on New Year's Eve?? I sure hope that's the case!
  22. cruisin

    cruisin Banned Member

    Just wanted to add, that I agree with those who have said that anyone who was insensitive about the ring was inappropriate. The ring decision is between you and our fiancee. You are the only two that matter in this. But, that sad, you should be just as happy with the ring as he is. Yes, it was romantic and charming for him to get what he did. But, if you're unhappy, that defeats the gesture. If you can keep the ring and wear it on the other hand as a cocktail ring, that might solve the problem. If he can afford both.
  23. rjblue

    rjblue Having a great day!

    Once again- I must reiterate- If this is such a big issue for you that you are crying for days- you should not be getting married.

    You and the man you love have made a decision that you love each other enough to commit for the rest of your life. What the Fcuk does a silly ring have to do with that!

    My wedding date was set for a year from when my husband and I decided to get married. My roommate said "You are not really engaged", because I didn't have a ring. We were students, and had better uses for our money than jewelry. We bought plain gold bands, and had a weekend at a nearby town for a honeymoon. SHE wouldn't marry her boyfriend until she could have a proper ring and honeymoon. She is divorced twice, and as I said- 30 years later, I still don't have a fancy ring.

    Stop thinking about this piece of jewelry (and other peoples reaction to it), and think about the man you want to make your life with.
    FunnyBut, HisWeirness, timing and 7 others like this.
  24. flyingsit

    flyingsit Well-Known Member

    The whole "two months salary" cliche was actually started and promulgated by DeBeers, the diamond consortium. Not exactly an unbiased entity, but it was taken up and marketed by the bridal industry.

    A ring doesn't symbolize the depth of commitment, or actually being engaged, any more than an enormous wedding reception symbolizes how much two people love each other.
    rjblue and (deleted member) like this.
  25. Wyliefan

    Wyliefan Well-Known Member

    The wedding-industrial complex strikes again. :rolleyes: I can't believe the expectations some women have. At this point I'd be over the moon if I could find a man who'd spend a week's salary on a ring.
  26. genevieve

    genevieve drinky typo pbp, closet hugger Staff Member

    I'm still not willing to lay all of this at the fiance's feet - I mean, the constant crying?!? no wonder he's digging in his heels, it totally comes across like she's choosing other people over him - but I agree that this is a warning sign.

    There's no way to go back to the "it hurts my finger/it's not suitable for work" angle. It is obvious you don't like it and that you need a traditional ring. This is going to take work to ensure that neither of you feel resentment every time either of you looks at a ring that is supposed to symbolize love and a commitment.

    and ps, how about shooting some of this anger toward your mother? what a crass and ugly thing to say to a daughter on the announcement of her engagement.

    I can't believe people are suggesting she keep this ring AND get another engagement ring. Perhaps the right solution is that she keep this ring, but that she buy the ring that she will wear all the time and show to her family for approval. I definitely don't see why he should have to buy two rings.
    Habs and (deleted member) like this.
  27. MacMadame

    MacMadame Cat Lady-in-Training

    It's dumb.

    When I got engaged, there were lots of stories in the news about thieves cutting people's fingers off to steal their rings and I had lots of other things I'd rather spend my money on -- like computers and big screen tvs.

    I think we spent 1/2 month's household income on my ring. I had a stipulation that I didn't want to spend four figures on it so it was under $1000.
  28. FigureSpins

    FigureSpins Well-Known Member

    My guess is that he couldn't afford a traditional diamond ring, so he bought you the most meaningful thing he could within his budget, assuming that you'd love it because he gave it so much thought. He's not willing to say that out loud, though, because of his pride, plus his ego is hurt because you didn't proclaim it to be perfect.

    My DH stupidly gave me a pretty gold cocktail ring for Christmas the year before we were engaged and I was incredibly disappointed that it was just a gift, not a proposal. Count your blessings that he didn't give you this ring without the proposal. I still remember opening that (bleeping) velvet box and feeling my heart drop when it wasn't what I expected, lol. (He still hasn't lived that faux pas down.)

    He chose my real engagement ring as a surprise and I love it, even though it's not what I would have chosen. It matches our wedding bands perfectly, although I don't wear it any longer. (I wear knit gloves to coach and the princess setting gets caught, pulling the tines away and loosening the diamond. I save the ring for special occasions instead.)

    In my opinion, a non-traditional engagement ring should be chosen together and both parties have to agree on the ring. My niece and her then-fiancee chose a beautiful antique square-cut aquamarine and it was/is perfect. She's not into jewelry or traditions -- they semi-eloped at a Japanese tea garden with only their parents and her sister present.

    Your "finger-killing" butterfly ring does sound like a cocktail ring moreso than an engagement ring, so you need to present it and say "We went with something non-traditional." It's the promise to marry that counts, moreso than a showy rock. (Yes, 2-3 months' salary is the Bridal Guide suggestion, courtesy of the jewelry industry. Ridiculous to start married life in debt, so use your own judgement.)

    In your case, the ring he presented is impractical and you can't wear it at work. You didn't want a non-traditional ring, so you're not willing to explain/defend it right now. He feels you're being ungrateful.

    Go back to the jeweler with him and see what they can do about making it less painful and more practical. Admire the rings you do like and try to have a frank discussion about how important this is to you. Be willing to compromise on the style, the stone, the cost, etc. Ask him to compromise because it matters to YOU, putting aside others' opinions and the comments you've received. This is between the two of you and what you both want.

    ITA that the crying is not a sign of readiness for marriage. Some pre-marital counseling is definitely in order, sooner, rather than later. Know that, if the engagement is broken over this stumbling block, it wasn't meant to be in the first place. Better to find out that you aren't compatible before the wedding. If the woman breaks off the engagement, she should give back the ring. Appropriate since he likes it so much.
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2011
  29. Garden Kitty

    Garden Kitty Tranquillo

    I'm concerned that the majority of your post focuses on other people's reactions to the ring and the rude comments that your family made. You acknowledge that your fiance is hurt and upset, but that seems to be a minor point and in fact you indicate that he should have people saying rude things to him about the ring as well.

    You say you love him, but the focus on the engagement seems to be on telling other people and having them be impressed by the ring rather than on the life you're building with him. Depending on other people's opinions and reactions for your own joy is rarely a recipe for a happy life.

    His refusal to consider changing the ring or seeming oblivious is also a bit troubling, but I don't know what he's thinking about all this. Are you sure that in your comments about the ring, the underlying message about really valuing him and wanting to be with him are coming through?

    I'm sorry that what should have been a happy time for you has turned into a source of worry and unhappiness. I understand the ring is important to you and I hope you can find a solution that works for both of you, but don't let the ring overshadow the other good things going on at this time.
  30. victoriaheidi

    victoriaheidi New Member

    Agree with everything.

    Also, I don't think it's just woodstock who's coming across as not ready. His stubbornness over this is just...well, a definite character trait that will come up in the future.