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How to sort of disinvite somebody

Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by Cupid, May 12, 2010.

  1. Cupid

    Cupid Well-Known Member

    Okay, I invited my sister to visit myself and my daughter this summer on a trip we are taking. I thought she'd just come for 3 days or so, but she's getting ready to make her flight arrangements and she's thinking of staying about a week! I haven't called her back yet, my daughter is livid and doesn't want her auntie to stay that long. My sister can be a very difficult person to get along with. The last time we vacationed with her, she got mad at us on the second day and gave us the silent treatment for the rest of the week, and didn't speak to us for almost a year!

    How do I politely, without ruffling her feathers, ask her to just stay for a few days? She has not only behaved this way with us, but also with my mom and one of her dear friends, all at different times. She gets angry about some little thing, then proceeds with the silent treatment/cold shoulder the remainder of the trip.

    I think she wants to come for the entire week because the airfare rates are cheaper for the departure/return flights.

    I don't want this trip ruined, especially for my daughter's sake (she is almost 18 and graduates high school this year, this trip is for her dance competition).
  2. KatieC

    KatieC So peaceful

    Is it possible to talk to her before the trip, and mention how this trip is for your daughter, and lay down some ground rules? It's supposed to work for some people, although I confess it doesn't very often with my own sister. Or does she have anybody else to visit in your neck of the woods - like old friends that would take her out of your orbit? My sister behaves much better when someone other than family is around.

    Good luck to you, I hope it works out nice.
  3. genevieve

    genevieve drinky typo pbp, closet hugger Staff Member

    From your post it sounds like you did not clarify in your invitation that she was only expected to come for part of the trip. It does not make sense, unless it was communicated to her, that she would assume the invitation was for part of the time. Your best bet is to call her immediately (before she buys tickets!) to clarify. She probably will get mad, but look at your options:

    1) Call sis, tell her she's only invited for half week. She's pissed, and either is able to move beyond it and have a good time with you for those 3 days or holds a grudge and is terrible company for the days she's there.

    2) Call sis, tell her she's only invited for half week. She's so pissed that she decides not to come at all.

    3) Call sis, tell her she's only invited for half week. She's already bought tickets. She's pissed and either has to change her tickets or ends up spending the whole week anyway with the knowledge that she wan't welcome for the whole trip.

    4) Don't call sis, have daughter pissed off and spend the whole week walking on eggshells trying to keep sis from getting pissed and ruining the trip and prove to daughter that trip isn't ruined.

    Personally, I'd call sis and hope for #2 :shuffle:, but depending on how you handle the call, hopefully she'll get over it, come for half the week and have a good time. I see no way under #4 for you to enjoy the trip, even if everyone behaves themselves.

    On a side note, I never understand why people go out of their way to invite poorly behaving family members to things where they don't have to be included. My sister is constantly inviting my mother into situations where anyone who's ever met either of them can see will end with a lot of :argue:. I'm not saying people shouldn't spend time with their family, but this trip is about your daughter - why bring along someone who's known for causing trouble, even for half the week?
    kwanfan1818 and (deleted member) like this.
  4. AxelAnnie

    AxelAnnie Well-Known Member

    Genevieve....great advice, and I totally agree with the last bit.

    If you sister is prone to being upset...well there probably isn't any way to tell her and have her not be upset.

    When I have to do something like this...I start by putting on my big girl pants, and then just have the clearest communication (and simplest) I can.

    "Hi............Obviously I wasn't clear about my invitation. Although we would love to spend a couple of days of our vacation with you, (insert daughter's name) and I were really looking forward to having a few days just the two of us. So, would you still like to come for part of the time? If not, I would certainly understand."

    Oh - besides my big girl pants....a glass of chardonnay is quite useful. After the first part....the less said on your part the better. good luck.
  5. essence_of_soy

    essence_of_soy Well-Known Member

    Oh man, I am so with you on this one.

    What put a stop to me doing the same thing (ie. putting up with people who treated me like dirt), was to take advice from an interview Dawn French gave recently, where she said almost the same thing. That, she has no time for people who don't respect her, and won't chase after approval she knows she'll never get.
  6. overedge

    overedge Janny uber

    Is the issue how long she's staying in your area, or how long she might be staying at your house?
    You could tell her that you can't host her at your house for an entire week (which is true - you don't have to say it's because you can't tolerate her for that long), and offer to find her a hotel room in your area for the rest of her stay. Admittedly she would still be around for the whole week and you might still be expected to entertain her, but at least she would be off the premises.

    ETA: Oops, just noticed that she's coming on the trip with you, so you will all be at a hotel, and keeping her out of your house isn't the issue.
    Your solution about "we will be too busy with the competition to spend much time with you for the whole week" is very sensible.
    Last edited: May 12, 2010
  7. Japanfan

    Japanfan Well-Known Member

    What will the consequences be of telling her you only want to be with her or have her for half a week? In some situations grinning and bearing something is better than the consequences of trying to change to it.

    Will she take it in her stride or get really upset? Is there any way you can hedge around the real issue and have plans for the other days that don't and couldn't include her? For example, maybe you could say that some of your daughter's friends will be visiting or that you have plans with them.
  8. Meredith

    Meredith what a glorious day!

    How about:
    5) Don't call sis. If she wants to spend the entire week at your vacation destination, it's up to her. If she gets a burr under her saddle on day 2 and stops talking to you and your daughter, more the better. Let her pout. If she gets no attention from either of you, she does not win.

    That's my take.

    MOIJTO Banned Member

    Family can be so hard sometimes!

    Best advice, you've made your bed so I this time you must lie in it.

    Next time...keep your mouth shut!!!!
  10. Stormy

    Stormy Well-Known Member

    Well, the only thing I'd say to this is if it's for Cupid's daughter and she's there for a dance competition then the last thing the daughter probably wants distracting her is her aunt being an asshat about some little thing. If she's there for a competition, that's what she needs to focus on.
  11. Cupid

    Cupid Well-Known Member

    Yes, daughter threw a fit and said the exact same thing. I let my sister down gently today, via email, explaining how I would have to hover around the hotel for food runs for her during breaks, etc., and how I would probably just be poolside until the actual competition Wednesday evening. (Sister HATES hanging poolside because she refuses to wear a swimsuit and doesn't tan :lol:) I said she might be better off coming to stay with us starting Wed afternoon to see the actual competition, or even the next day on Thursday if she'd like (crosses fingers here). I said my time and daughter's would free up after Wednesday. So the most she would stay would be 4 days (instead of the 7 she was talking about!) Every little bit helps!

    And I will tell daughter to not get too upset with her, since she is just one of two benefactors in my sister's will. That will shut her up! :D
  12. genevieve

    genevieve drinky typo pbp, closet hugger Staff Member

    Sounds like you handled it well (although email can be tricky). You made great points about why it's better for sis to come later, and hopefully she'll agree with you for the reasons you stated :)
  13. skaternum

    skaternum Grooving!

    And hopefully next time you'll NOT INVITE YOUR ANNOYING SISTER to go on a trip with you.
  14. essence_of_soy

    essence_of_soy Well-Known Member

    I knew there'd be a reason for allowing your sister to behave the way she does.

    It reminds me of my mum and her older sister, although my auntie managed to trick the family out of three quarters of a million dollars when it should have been shared equally across five siblings.
  15. Buzz

    Buzz Well-Known Member

    I got one of those "uninvited" calls once. The caller said everything BUT I do not want you coming with us anymore. LOL It did not take long to get the message, so I told her I changed my mind and would have to decline her invitation. I did not throw a fit but have since been VERY reluctant to accept anymore invites from that person. :shuffle:
  16. Cupid

    Cupid Well-Known Member

    Did you ever figure out "why"?;)
  17. KatieC

    KatieC So peaceful

    I was uninvited once too - the husband of a supposed friend called me to get the names and phone numbers of several common friends to invite to a surprise birthday party for his wife. I gave them to him and I thought that was it. He then called me again about three weeks later to stammer out that I wasn't invited - too many people or some such crap. I was laughing by the end of the call since I didn't want to attend anyhow, but he was an ass. His wife is the kind of friend you want to keep in front of you - never behind - the bleeding would be too severe.
  18. allezfred

    allezfred Master/Mistress of Sneer Staff Member

    Obviously, you know the situation best, but isn't being nice to somebody because they might leave you something in their will a tad mercenary? :shuffle:

    I remember my mother being absolutely devastated after getting nothing in an aunt's will. The aunt had told her for years and years she'd get something.
    skaternum and (deleted member) like this.