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Feeling very, very down today....

Discussion in 'Off The Beaten Track' started by Bailey_, Sep 25, 2012.

  1. Bailey_

    Bailey_ Guest

    Hi All,

    Just need somewhere to talk today. Life has been pretty difficult for the last year and a half. My mom was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of cancer and died six months to the day later. Her illness was tragic and terrible. The one year anniversary of her death is approaching. My father has not coped well and it's created much grief and strained relationships in my family. I planned a beautiful trip to Italy with a friend (was supposed to be there now), but the trip was cancelled because my friend's mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. Good think the trip was cancelled, because I have since made a trip to emergency and I'm waiting to have my gallbladder removed (no doubt, I'm quite sure stress is a contributing factor). I'm stressed about surgery and struggling day to day -- with pain and dealing with the fact that I can't eat any fat or spicy foods (no alcohol, no opportunity to go out with friends for a meal). And, yesterday I learned that a friend (not one of my best friends, but still a very beautiful person) passed away while on holiday with her husband in Europe. It is thought to be an accidental drowning but there are more questions than answers at this point. I'm just home from my best friends house (who was closer to the woman who died than I was), and she is in rough shape. She helped to care for the children yesterday after they learned of their mother's death. An unthinkable tragedy.

    With the exception of my beautiful niece and nephew who are the joys of my life, when I look around all I see is stress, grief, and loss. It's been so long since I have really felt more than brief moments of happiness. It feels like life is never going to be good again -- I joke that I have a dark cloud that is following me around. I don't want to be self-centred, because that's not who I am. I know it could always be worse and everyone has things in life that they struggle with, but life has not been kind this year.

    I've been working really hard to take care of myself -- I've been to see a counsellor, I've been exercising, eating well, sleeping regularly, talking with friends, doing things I enjoy, etc... But, I'm so tired. I feel like I want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head for a little while.

    Anyone have any words of comfort or strength today. Any words of advice to help during these dark days...
  2. barbk

    barbk Well-Known Member

    That is a whole lot of hurt your body and brain has been faced with this past year. I'm sorry.
    Would talking with a chaplain at Hospice possibly be a comfort?

    I know it seems terrible now -- and it is really, really tough -- but I believe it will get better, and you will feel better. All you can do is take it one day at a time. (I hope there is someone who can give you a little cosseting, Bailey.)

    Sending good thoughts...
  3. BittyBug

    BittyBug And the band played on

    ((((((Bailey)))))) That's a lot of weight for one small set of shoulders to bear.

    This might sound odd, but maybe your pending gallbladder surgery will provide some relief. Anticipating surgery in and of itself can be quite stressful, and it also sounds like you're exhausted, so maybe once you get your surgery behind you and get a little post-op rest, you'll feel a bit better.

    I'm very sorry for all the loss you've experienced, and hope that better times lie ahead for you.
  4. BigB08822

    BigB08822 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry. I think it is 100% natural that you feel the way you do, anyone would feel the same way. BUT you are continuing on and trying to keep living your life. That is all you can do. It is so unfortunate that one bad thing after another keeps occurring but eventually things have to turn around. You just have to hang in there until that time comes. I wish you the best.
  5. victoriajh

    victoriajh trying to ignore rod and find the eurosport feed

    baily- oh my! you have had more than your share this year- i do know that we say the first year of any situation is the worst ( ie first year after a diagnosis- or death of a loved one) i think that you will find after the first year behind you things will start to look up- it sounds hokey i know but putting postive vibes out there and being able to receive it is also important- i leanred that a lot this year as well-
    hang in there !!!!
  6. Anita18

    Anita18 Well-Known Member

    It does indeed sound rough, even to a persistent optimist like me. :( I'm so sorry about your friends and relatives.

    It's okay to take a day to yourself and crawl into bed and pull the covers over your head. It's never wrong to do that. Life is always a series of good things and bad things happening. Sometimes at once, sometimes not in order, but the darkness will never shut out the light completely.
  7. Vash01

    Vash01 Fan of Yuzuru, Medvedeva, T&M, Shibs, P&C


    I am so sorry that you have had to deal with so much. You are not being self centered at all. What you are describing is really really tough to deal with.

    It is good that you are taking care of yourself. Good luck with the gall bladder surgery.

    Hang in there. The dark clouds will pass and the sun will be shining in your life.
  8. OliviaPug

    OliviaPug Well-Known Member

    Bailey (( hugs ))

    I don't know if this helps, but know that you aren't alone. In the past year and 1/2, I have lost 6 significant loved ones, including my father and best friend. I had 2 cardiac arrests (brought on by self-neglect, stress, and the incorrect medication prescribed by my doc) and got divorced. I felt like I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel, and I too felt like a dark cloud was following me around. I wish I could look you straight in the eyes and tell you that things will get better, that there are better days to come, so that you would truly believe it.

    I do think you're doing all the right things to get through this difficult time. Keep you friends and loved ones close, really close. Keep talking. Keep taking care of yourself. Read! Choose stories that keep you distracted -- at least for a little while -- it will give your brain a chance to rest from the sadness and grief. And by all means focus on joy and joyful moments. Make sure not to miss out on your life because you are caught up in your grief.

    Also, though I am not a professional in the area, it sounds like you have situational depression as I did last year. I chose not to go the medication route, but I did seek out therapy (and I still go once a week).

    Take care and focus on just the moment in front of you. Before you know it, things will be better.

    Sending all positive thoughts your way.

    Gypsy, Jem X, euterpe and 3 others like this.
  9. euterpe

    euterpe Well-Known Member


    I will keep you in my prayers.
  10. UMBS Go Blue


  11. LilJen

    LilJen Reaching out with my hand sensitively

    (((((((Bailey)))))) you have been through so much!! It sounds like you've been doing the right things in taking care of yourself. Luxuriate in the forced rest that will accompany the gallbladder surgery. Be well!
  12. Angelskates

    Angelskates Well-Known Member

    Bailey, I'm so sorry for your loss, and I hope you have a good support network, and someone to talk to in real life.

    I don't have any words of wisdom, but I will suggest that you record the brief moments of happiness you are having - they are there! If you record them (in any way, with a sentence, a photo etc.) they may help you in the rougher times, by looking through them. Hopefully they will get more and more.

    I'm glad you felt like you could share with us here. ((((((Bailey)))))
  13. pat c

    pat c Well-Known Member

    You have had a sucky year Bailey. If I'm feeling really down, I sometimes watch sometimes watch things like this:


    funny and stupid. But it takes me away from whatever it is for a couple of minutes. If you can smile or even laugh, it all helps.

    Hope things improve for you.
  14. rjblue

    rjblue Having a great day!

    That is great advice. I think trying to be cheerful when life is filling you with grief can add to one's burdens.

    When I get overwhelmed, I go outside and look at the stars in the sky and think about what a tiny part of time and the universe I am, and that my troubles will soon pass. It sort of disassociates me from my emotions, and I can go back inside and get on with what I need to do. A repetitive prayer can sometimes do that too.
  15. Garden Kitty

    Garden Kitty Tranquillo

    It is completely natural to still feel the affects of loss for a long time when we lose someone dear to us. The first year is especially hard as we face the "firsts" of each holiday without them. It may not make you feel better, but at least you know it's normal to be deeply impacted. And then when you add the other stresses to it, I can see how it becomes too much very quickly.

    Unfortunately there is no easy answer. You just need to keep doing the right things and be ready to accept it when the good things happen and you find your mood is lifting. It sounds like you're really doing what you should and all I can offer is my virtual support and good wishes for some good luck in the coming year.
  16. shan

    shan Well-Known Member

  17. iloveemoticons

    iloveemoticons Well-Known Member

    (((Bailey))) I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. Take good care of yourself and hang in there. Hope you feel better soon.
  18. Japanfan

    Japanfan Well-Known Member

    Bailey, it's no surprise you're feeling down and exhausted. Grieving your mother who you lost only a year ago and coping with the strain on your family caused by your dad's difficulty coping is in itself completely overwhelming.

    On top of that, you're having to support your friends, one whose mom has lung cancer and another whose good friend just died. And deal with the potential loss/loss of those two people as well. Let's face it - lung cancer is usually fatal.

    So, you've got multiple reasons to grieve.

    And on top of that, there is your own gall bladder to deal with. Surgery is always scary. And you can't eat the foods you like or have a drink, both of which could be comforting or take the edge off. And as you say, this limits your ability to enjoy spending time with friends who could support you, which is yet another loss.

    Go ahead and spend as much time in bed as you like. Don't worry if you can't always be there for your friends or your dad right now.

    When will you have your surgery? That situation is at least temporary. Once the surgery is over, things should get easier I would think.

    In the meantime don't be hard on yourself or beat yourself up for feeling down.
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2012
  19. TheGirlCanSkate

    TheGirlCanSkate Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry. :(

    When my mom died she was at the peak of health and finally had the life she deserved and it was all gone in an instant. I had a really hard time; it was terrible.

    I too did all the things I was supposed to do but I wasn't taking any happiness in my kids, I was going through the motions of living. I was seeing a therapist and finally talked to my doctor. He gave me an rx for just the short term.

    It really helped me - it was only about 4 weeks, but it was enough where I started to see a little brightness. When the rx was over, I just felt more capable of joy. The next years were hard, but more manageable.

    So don't be afraid of telling your doctor that activities that were pleasurable are not any longer, of how you feel.

    I felt like a loser for taking the meds. I've heard others say negative things about them- how they never would. But I had to go to work every day. I couldn't stay in bed as much as I wanted to just sleep. I had two kids who needed a mom who wasn't withdrawn or crying.
  20. Buzz

    Buzz Well-Known Member

    Sorry for your loss and troubles. Know that you are in our prayers and I'm sending lots of hugs & good vibes your way.
  21. skateboy

    skateboy Well-Known Member

    Bailey, if it might help, I would like to suggest listening to this video (with headphones, if you have them). It's just a little over 13 minutes long and I have found it very effective during stressful times.

    Sending you best wishes during this difficult time.

    Gypsy and (deleted member) like this.
  22. Gypsy

    Gypsy Watching the Leaves Change!

    (((Bailey))) I am so sorry to hear you are going thru so much right now.

    Just take it one day at a time and be kind to yourself.
  23. danceronice

    danceronice Corgi Wrangler

    I'm going to suggest slightly different things. Once you're in the clear after surgery, seriously think about a vacation if at all feasible. I'd booked a trip before I found out the museum I worked for was closing (for no reason other than the college decided they wanted the space for a bookstore, meaning I and the exhibit designer, who'd been with the college's museum NINETEEN YEARS, flat-out lost our jobs while the director is sort-of working for the city, mostly finding grants to try and get a new museum location going). I thought about cancelling my trip, and everyone, including my parents, said don't do it. Go, have fun, relax, worry about it when you get back. And they were right--that was the first time in months I actually slept every night without acid heartburn trying to eat its way up my throat. I was relaxed, I enjoyed myself, I was able to not think about it for a while. Being on the water helped, too, I think--I find lakes and the ocean soothing. Getting away helped me just NOT STRESS for a while, far more than hearing "Have you found a job yet?" "I'm sorry about the museum," "What happened?" from people constantly. (It's a small town. We had a lot of seniors who volunteered with us. They meant well.) Changing the scenery and the routine can really, really help reset your body and mind to deal with the dress better.

    Also, unlike the modern overexamining trend, which I've dealt with and found ineffective, I find the Stoics helpful, especially for someone prone to overthinking depressing situations or needing to be in control all the time. You can only control what you can control. Sometimes that's just your own mind and body. Sometimes it's not even those. Accept that you can't. Categorize that which you can't control, and accept it for what it is. Work with what you can (that doesn't include anyone else's feelings, health, life or death, state of mind, financial situation, or even necessarily your own health.)
  24. skatesindreams

    skatesindreams Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time.

    It's no wonder that you are overwhelmed.


    Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel.
    Be kind to/don't blame yourself.

    Find someone to talk to, including a professional, if appropriate.
    It will give you perspective; and in my experience, burdens are less awful, if shared.
    Take it one day at a time.
    The "darkness" does lessen, and fade.

    Recognize that you are not alone.
    Many people care for you.

    Thank you for sharing/trusting us.
  25. Really

    Really I need a new title

    I hope your world gets better soon!
  26. skipaway

    skipaway Well-Known Member

    Bailey, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
  27. Meredith

    Meredith what a glorious day!

    I'm sorry to hear life has thrown so many pitchforks your way, Bailey.

    When my mother-in-law (with whom I was very close) passed away last year, my BIL and I sat down and talked about how we would remember her. This was probably brought about by the photographs all around us. There were specific mental images that he shared with me and I with him. As a result, my mental image of Mom is the vibrant, funny, loving women she was for nearly all her life. I think of my parents and sister in the same way - younger, stronger versions of themselves when they died.

    I hope you can will your mind travel to the happy places, Bailey. Be well.
  28. Bailey_

    Bailey_ Guest

    Hi All,

    Thanks you so much for your very kind words of support. My week has been a little brighter. The news this week of my friend's death was very difficult. Given all that I've carried this year, I just don't feel like I have much emotional reserve to deal with much more. But, I've been back to work and things have been a little better. I really do appreciate all of your suggestions. Your kindness means so much.

    Oliviapug, I just wanted to express my sympathy for the terrible year you have had. Thank you for sharing. I wish you brighter days in the future too!!
  29. skatesindreams

    skatesindreams Well-Known Member

    Bailey, I'm glad that you are beginning to feel better,
  30. Scrufflet

    Scrufflet Well-Known Member

    We hear ya Bailey!
    This summer, I realized that only one person among my wide circle of friends had been healthy and relatively issue-free! We celebrated with a glass of wine.
    As someone who daily battles serious health concerns, I have realized that there will be good and bad times and that I have only partial control over which ones will show up. I have to roll withit and truly appreciate those good moments when they arise and then buckle down to the best of my ability when the bad ones hit.
    Sometimes it IS the best idea to just go to bed for a while! Cuddle a cat, keep going to the counsellor, stay around those with positive energy, indulge in your passions (skating, of course) and prepare as best you can for your operation. Hang in! Keep talking!
    From the responses here, you can see that there are many who have never met you but respect your struggle and truly wish you well!