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  1. #721
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marco View Post
    1999 Worlds was interesting.

    I would have had it as follows:

    short:

    1. Bute
    2. Gusmeroli
    3. Rechnio
    4. Kwan
    5. Malinina
    6. Liashenko
    7. Soldatova
    Crazy result. No way in hell did Gusmeroli deserve 2nd in the short or Kwan 4th. You obviously are blinded by favortism for your favorite skaters. Kwan did not have better elements except the spiral sequence btw. Her combination was poorly executed, she was about the only one doing only a triple toe, and her layback was awful and one of the worst of the top 15. Gusmeroli landed most of her jumps widly, especialy her combination which was pitched forward and poorly done, her spins were also sloppy, and her spiral sequence was just a bunch of kicks in the air. Both were majorly gifted in the short to be where they were.

    Rechnio was undermarked in the short and Soldatova overmarked, that is only things you are right on. Although Soldatova still deserved her placement ahead of both Gusermoli and Kwan.
    Last edited by KimGOAT; 05-15-2014 at 12:34 PM.

  2. #722

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    Quote Originally Posted by neptune View Post
    Perhaps what it boils down to is this: According to the rules at the time, did Oksana's two-footed jumps (how many were there?) deserve any credit at all?
    In the short program the deduction was 0.3 for "[starting or] landing on two feet" and 0.1-0.2 for "touch down of free foot [or hand(s)]"

    So it comes down to the distinction between "touchdown of the free foot" vs. "landed on two feet." How much weight is on the wrong foot?

    My understanding is that in the short program even something like this would be credited as a triple lutz attempt, with 0.3 deduction for landing on two feet and additional deduction for "rotation not complete" (0.3-0.4), adding up to the maximum deduction which I believe was 0.4 at the time for an element that was actually attempted.

    This would just get the 0.1 or 0.2 touchdown deduction.

    In the free skate, the rules said no credit for jumps landed "on two feet."

    Again, what's the difference between landing on two feet (no credit) vs. touchdown of the free foot (partial credit)?

    Remember there was no instant replay for judges at the time, so if it the touchdown wasn't obvious to them in real time, they had to give benefit of the doubt or just consider it a lower-quality completed jump in their minds. If it was obvious that the free foot touched the ice but there wasn't much weight on it, they'd give lower partial credit.

    To me, this would probably qualify as a more severe touchdown. There is some weight briefly on the wrong foot, but clearly more than half her weight is on the right foot because she's able to almost immediately pick up the left and complete the landing edge. So, equivalent to the 0.2 short program deduction, however judges would translate that into reduced credit in a free skate.

  3. #723
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    Quote Originally Posted by KimGOAT View Post
    Crazy result. No way in hell did Gusmeroli deserve 2nd in the short or Kwan 4th. You obviously are blinded by favortism for your favorite skaters. Kwan did not have better elements except the spiral sequence btw. Her combination was poorly executed, she was about the only one doing only a triple toe, and her layback was awful and one of the worst of the top 15. Gusmeroli landed most of her jumps widly, especialy her combination which was pitched forward and poorly done, her spins were also sloppy, and her spiral sequence was just a bunch of kicks in the air. Both were majorly gifted in the short to be where they were.

    Rechnio was undermarked in the short and Soldatova overmarked, that is only things you are right on. Although Soldatova still deserved her placement ahead of both Gusermoli and Kwan.
    And you obviously are blinded by hatred for your hated skaters.

  4. #724
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    Quote Originally Posted by briancoogaert View Post
    And you obviously are blinded by hatred for your hated skaters.
    I dont hate Kwan and Gusmeroli. I couldnt care less about either one either way. However they did not deserve the placings the previous poster gave them, which were even higher than their already way too high placements the judges gave them (in the short program anyway). I am not surprised someone with a very French sounding name agrees with the crazy placement of Gusmeroli in 2nd in the short program though. Placing Vanessa's rather ordinary short program with several very shaky elements above Rechnio in the short is laughable. Rechnio's short was absolutely outstanding, and by FAR the 2nd best, and some aspects of it were better than Maria's winning short. The judges were on crack so placed it 6th. If she wearing a Kwan or Slutskaya mask she would have won the short program with the same skate.

  5. #725
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    Quote Originally Posted by gkelly View Post
    To me, this would probably qualify as a more severe touchdown. There is some weight briefly on the wrong foot, but clearly more than half her weight is on the right foot because she's able to almost immediately pick up the left and complete the landing edge. So, equivalent to the 0.2 short program deduction, however judges would translate that into reduced credit in a free skate.
    Thanks for the detailed explanation. I can't remember whether Oksana two-footed only one jump or two. Perhaps opinions differ on that.

    As for Oksana vs. Nancy, it might be possible to justify only a 0.2 difference in their technical-merit marks. In that case, I would go with Oksana, who had much better presentation IMO. But if the difference should really be larger than that, then it would be hard to put her ahead of Nancy. Oksana did have better spins and spirals overall, I think, and probably other things as well, so it might not be that far-fetched to say that, even with her flaws, she still deserved to place ahead of Nancy.

    Actually, in terms of their skating, Sato, Chen, Baiul, and Kerrigan were bunched pretty close together overall, and it's hard to say who should've stayed off the podium. Yes, Nancy was the cleanest, but her LP did not deserve to place any higher than third IMO. I don't remember Bonaly's LP, but I can't imagine that it deserved to place in the top 4.

  6. #726
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    Quote Originally Posted by KimGOAT View Post
    Crazy result. No way in hell did Gusmeroli deserve 2nd in the short or Kwan 4th. You obviously are blinded by favortism for your favorite skaters. Kwan did not have better elements except the spiral sequence btw. Her combination was poorly executed, she was about the only one doing only a triple toe, and her layback was awful and one of the worst of the top 15. Gusmeroli landed most of her jumps widly, especialy her combination which was pitched forward and poorly done, her spins were also sloppy, and her spiral sequence was just a bunch of kicks in the air. Both were majorly gifted in the short to be where they were.

    Rechnio was undermarked in the short and Soldatova overmarked, that is only things you are right on. Although Soldatova still deserved her placement ahead of both Gusermoli and Kwan.
    I dont hate Kwan and Gusmeroli. I couldnt care less about either one either way. However they did not deserve the placings the previous poster gave them, which were even higher than their already way too high placements the judges gave them (in the short program anyway). I am not surprised someone with a very French sounding name agrees with the crazy placement of Gusmeroli in 2nd in the short program though. Placing Vanessa's rather ordinary short program with several very shaky elements above Rechnio in the short is laughable. Rechnio's short was absolutely outstanding, and by FAR the 2nd best, and some aspects of it were better than Maria's winning short. The judges were on crack so placed it 6th. If she wearing a Kwan or Slutskaya mask she would have won the short program with the same skate.
    I could accept Rechnio being 2nd in the short and was actually back and forth on that, but her spins were visibly weak to the stage that they became a burden. Both the flying camel and layback had only 7 revs (8 was required) and there was some visible travel. Steps before the flip were minimal and even the circular sequence was rather simple, compared to Gusmeroli anyway. Gusmeroli was actually holding each of her spirals a lot longer than Rechnio was. That's probably why I would prefer Gusmeroli ahead. But in no way will I agree that Soldatova deserved to be above Gusmeroli and Kwan (or Butyrskaya or Rechnio or Malinina or Liashenko) in the short.

    BTW, you (or others) can disagree with my view but that doesn't mean my view was blindly based on favoritism. There are certain qualities that I value more than others like attention to detail, posture, flow, listening to the music. You don't have to agree with them. If my view was just based on favoritism, I would have Kwan and Ruh right up there.

    Also, I didn't say Kwan had better elements, just had some better elements than Malinina, in the context of evaluating their comparative placements in the short.
    Last edited by Marco; 05-16-2014 at 05:17 AM.

  7. #727
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    Quote Originally Posted by neptune View Post
    Thanks for the detailed explanation. I can't remember whether Oksana two-footed only one jump or two. Perhaps opinions differ on that.

    As for Oksana vs. Nancy, it might be possible to justify only a 0.2 difference in their technical-merit marks. In that case, I would go with Oksana, who had much better presentation IMO. But if the difference should really be larger than that, then it would be hard to put her ahead of Nancy. Oksana did have better spins and spirals overall, I think, and probably other things as well, so it might not be that far-fetched to say that, even with her flaws, she still deserved to place ahead of Nancy.

    Actually, in terms of their skating, Sato, Chen, Baiul, and Kerrigan were bunched pretty close together overall, and it's hard to say who should've stayed off the podium. Yes, Nancy was the cleanest, but her LP did not deserve to place any higher than third IMO. I don't remember Bonaly's LP, but I can't imagine that it deserved to place in the top 4.
    The 2foot on the flip was much more severe and the touch down of the free toe on the toe was much lighter. I would give her full credit for the lutz, loop and sal, and around 80% for the toe and only 30% for the flip.

    Baiul might have better presentation in the artistic sense, but her whole performance was severely lacking in various technical aspects of presentation such as skating on one foot, skating in both directions, having a well balanced program including sufficient spins (she only had 3 small ones), footwork (none) and really any sort of in-betweens (or transitions as we call them under COP) other than a spiral or two.

    I disagree that Baiul had better spins. She only showed 3 when everyone else did 4. She didn't do any change of foot spins or spins with change in basic positions, and 2 if not 3 of her spins were under-revved. Kerrigan was not a good spinner in any sense but her spins were adequate and checked all the boxes. Baiul couldn't have been better at "other things" because she didn't really do other elements other than jumps, spins and posing.

    Staying off the podium - well Sato popped the lutz combo in the short which was fatal to her not medaling. In the free, Chen and Sato were as clean as Kerrigan even though they didn't have a 3/3 - they both had 6 triples (pretty much) which was more than Kerrigan anyway (5).

  8. #728

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    Quote Originally Posted by Marco View Post
    Not disputing your last statement.

    Kwan had the better lutz combination, better and harder spin combination, spirals and footwork than Malinina. Malinina had the better and harder solo jump, and of course 2axel. Their layback and flying spin were about the same but Kwan did the harder flying spin. Kwan had a 0.4 deduction whereas Malinina had a 0.2. I don't see how Malinina's advantage (if any) in the first mark can overcome Kwan's advantage in the second. They both had complex programs but Malinina slept walked through hers, didn't sell it one bit, and didn't relate to it much, if at all. I would have Kwan 5.3/5.8 and Malinina 5.4/5.5 or 5.6.

    Care to explain why you feel Soldatova's skating deserved more credit other than being clean? She attacked it throughout but was also on two feet throughout. Her jumping and spinning quality was average. Her combination spin was weak and bordenline under-revved on both legs which was probably as much a deduction as Malinina's mistake on the lutz combo was. Her basics do not compare to Malinina's and Liashenko's, let alone Kwan, Butyrskaya, Rechnio and Gusmeroli. That pumping hurt my soul. She would exactly be in 7th or even lower if she skated for some obscure country, like Belarus which she represented after 2001.

    If it comes down to it, I would rather have Kwan below Malinina than have Soldatova above any of the top 6. She didn't belong. At around 2001/2002, both lost their consistency and both were representing weak nations, Malinina's scores held up when she skated decently but Soldatova's dropped like a stone.

    Funnily enough, I felt Kwan was held up back in 1999 when the competition went along but 15 years and having watched a lot of skating later, I feel her ultimate placement was right (but would still have Malinina 3rd overall).
    Soldatova landed 6-7 triples when she skated for RUS. She was doing like 2.5 when she skated for BLR. That's the main reason her scores dropped so much. Anyways, in regards to 99 Worlds, I always thought Lavrenchuk and Liashenko both should have been top 6, no problem. Lavrenchcuk had very good fast spins, great triples (although weak steps into the flip but better than Rechnio at least), 2axel was small but clean and the footwork was easy even for 6.0 standards. Pumped her back but she was twice as fast as anyone else; it's even evident on Youtube. Liashenko had a choppy combination but everything else was competent which was better than most this year. Ukraine wuzrobbed!!!!

    15 years later I might have scored it like this....


    SP
    1 Butyrskaya 5.7 / 5.8 11.5
    2 Liashenko 5.5 / 5.6 11.1
    3 Kwan 5.2 / 5.9 11.1
    4 Lavrenchuk 5.6 / 5.4 11.0
    5 Soldatova 55 / 55 11.0
    6 Rechnio 5.4 / 5.6 11.0
    7 Gusmeroli 5.4 / 5.5 11.0

  9. #729
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    I loved Liashenko. She always had wonderful programs.

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    I believe if Rechnio represented Russia or US or another country with powerful skating federation, she would have had better achievements. I think the fact that she knew she had to be completely clean and actually better than others to have a chance for medal, paralysed her. She’s one of the skaters who unfortunately didn’t use her potential.

  11. #731
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    The short program results should have been:

    1. Butyrskaya 5.8, 5.9
    2. Rechnio 5.8, 5.8
    3. Soldatova 5.7, 5.6
    4. Malinina 5.6, 5.6
    5. Liashenko 5.5, 5.6
    6. Gusmeroli 5.4, 5.7
    7. Poth 5.4, 5.6
    8. Kwan 5.1, 5.7

    There might even have been others who deserved to beat Kwan, but I didnt see any other skates.


    Long programs:

    1. Butyrskaya 5.9, 6.0
    2. Rechnio 5.7, 5.7
    3. Malinina 5.8, 5.6
    4. Kwan 5.5, 5.8
    5. Soldatova 5.6, 5.5
    6. Gusmeroli 5.3, 5.7

  12. #732
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    Quote Originally Posted by frillit View Post
    There might even have been others who deserved to beat Kwan, but I didnt see any other skates.
    We get it. Michelle Kwan is the worst skater there ever was. You can give it a rest already.

  13. #733
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    Quote Originally Posted by asdf334 View Post
    We get it. Michelle Kwan is the worst skater there ever was. You can give it a rest already.
    Yes ! You are right. I find some comments here about MK very funny.

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    Quote Originally Posted by asdf334 View Post
    We get it. Michelle Kwan is the worst skater there ever was. You can give it a rest already.
    The Kim fans may be the looniest fans in the world. But Kwan fans take sensitivity to the highest level. Why must her more sensitive fans make such hyperbolic comments like that when someone dares to not give a tongue bath for her bad performances? Kwan sucked in the short program. Many of her required elements were shaky, sloppy and she skated like a zombie. Seriously at her biased fan who judged that performance a 5.9 on the second mark. 8th place would not have been out of line at all. It would have been far more appropriate than the gift 4th place. And I adore Kwan as a skater and person. Okay I don't know really know her but she seems as genuine and good as they come. What's not to adore about her? I have argued on her behalf many times about placements she was robbed of. Hello, 1995 worlds. 2001-02 GPF long program, 2002 Worlds LP, 2005 worlds SP but I can also be honest when she's given below par skates, and boy, did she do that in the short program. Maybe because I'm a skating fan more than a fan of any skater and like to see it treated like a real spot. Maybe her lackluster skates was due to a cold like Frank Carroll was so happy to repeat tirelessly until he had her fans were saying it on autopilot even 15 years later. Well played, Frank. Honestly, I think she was exhausted from that insane schedule she carried that season. All those proams would have done anyone in even a teenager in the best shape of her life. I wonder if there was any competition she turned down because she was quick to show up to all the flufflier stuff and fluff or not, it was grueling, especially that stupid proam where she skated 35 programs in 3 days. I think her eagerness to skate so much bit her in the behind at worlds. She was, what, 18?, but she was lumbering through her programs like an old person with arthritis in her back.
    Last edited by fenway2; 05-16-2014 at 05:38 PM.

  15. #735
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    "...She was, what, 18?, but she was lumbering through her programs like an old person with arthritis in her back."

    Who you talking about? I lived and died watching Surya Bonaly doing her thing in her era! Talk about over-skating, looking a bit old at times; no one worked harder at their craft! Loved her significant finish at 2000 GWG over Yuka Sato and other legends! It was a great finish using that Cuor Senza Sangue program by Emma Shapplin!

  16. #736
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fiero425 View Post
    "...She was, what, 18?, but she was lumbering through her programs like an old person with arthritis in her back."

    Who you talking about?
    Kwan at 1999 worlds. She accepted every invitation that season and probably would have shown up to an
    opening of an envelope. And to her credit, she was spectacular in nearly every fall and early winter competition. Undisputed Kween. No one could touch her. By the time nationals showed up she was starting to show signs of fatigue. I never watched the short program broadcast but I saw it live and she was slow as molasses in the short and very uninspiring in the long. The crowd ate her up though because she is so beloved not because she gave great performance. I was glad when she turned down 4 Continents because I thought it would give her enough time to regroup and recapture her glorious performances from earlier in the season and win worlds in a landslide. But she showed up at worlds looking rough. She was off at worlds and looked like she was skating on tired legs, Frankly, she just looked exhausted like an old man. She was magnificent in 2000-03 once she toned down her schedule though. But by 2005 it was rather depressing. She would skate around in warmup and practices holding her lower back and looking very old and kind of dowdy. My roommate and I used to joke that her next big endorsement might be the stairlifter or Ben Gay. It's always sad to watch your favorite athletes start looking old (relatively speaking) when they're trying to hang on in competition but from 96-2003 she was phenomenal, sans the last half of 99, and will always be one of my all-time favorites.

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    I used to drive the Kwan fans crazy on old ESPN board back in 2005; posted pictures of her picking herself up off the ice! People were to come up with captions! The best:

    - I'm just no good before my first cup of coffee
    - I'm getting too old for this $#!t
    - I must have dropped a contact somewhere around here
    - Wow, the colors; the colors

  18. #738
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marco View Post
    The 2foot on the flip was much more severe and the touch down of the free toe on the toe was much lighter. I would give her full credit for the lutz, loop and sal, and around 80% for the toe and only 30% for the flip.
    So that's only about 4 jumps.

    Baiul might have better presentation in the artistic sense, but her whole performance was severely lacking in various technical aspects of presentation such as skating on one foot, skating in both directions, having a well balanced program including sufficient spins (she only had 3 small ones), footwork (none) and really any sort of in-betweens (or transitions as we call them under COP) other than a spiral or two.
    How much of that should have been reflected in the presentation mark? What scores would you have given Baiul and Kerrigan in the LP?

    Baiul couldn't have been better at "other things" because she didn't really do other elements other than jumps, spins and posing.
    Well, she was definitely better at posing.

    In the free, Chen and Sato were as clean as Kerrigan even though they didn't have a 3/3 - they both had 6 triples (pretty much)
    Well, Chen had that touch-down on her triple flip, and Yuka's last triple shouldn't have counted. Overall, though, Chen probably deserved the gold. Nancy was fortunate to have the performances of her life at the O's, but she was definitely not an OGM-caliber skater in terms of her body of work over the years.

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    Probably:

    Chen 5.8/5.9
    Sato 5.7/5.9
    Kerrigan 5.7/5.7
    Baiul 5.5/5.6

    Chen dipped on the flip but was the only one of the top 4 to have 2 lutzes. So 5.5 triples and 2 2axels for her, along with the most complex program. Sato had 6 triples and 1 2axel but their quality was worse than Chen's. I was told back in the days that the split jump she did before the last sal would make it a sequence (much like the split - 3toe that Bobek liked to do so much). Sato had the best spins and footwork of the top four.

    In my opinion, having them as top 2 was undisputed. Too bad the judges didn't agree.

    Kerrigan was just a solid but unimpressive skater. I don't think rotating the 3flip would make much difference in my judgment of her. Perhaps bumping her up to 5.8/5.7 but that's it.

    Baiul was the most musical and charismatic but she hardly displayed much of the presentation criteria to earn a higher 2nd mark. She didn't have a program at all. She was the anti-Kerrigan.

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    Quote Originally Posted by fenway2 View Post
    Kwan at 1999 worlds. She accepted every invitation that season and probably would have shown up to an
    opening of an envelope. And to her credit, she was spectacular in nearly every fall and early winter competition. Undisputed Kween. No one could touch her. By the time nationals showed up she was starting to show signs of fatigue. I never watched the short program broadcast but I saw it live and she was slow as molasses in the short and very uninspiring in the long. The crowd ate her up though because she is so beloved not because she gave great performance. I was glad when she turned down 4 Continents because I thought it would give her enough time to regroup and recapture her glorious performances from earlier in the season and win worlds in a landslide. But she showed up at worlds looking rough. She was off at worlds and looked like she was skating on tired legs, Frankly, she just looked exhausted like an old man. She was magnificent in 2000-03 once she toned down her schedule though. But by 2005 it was rather depressing. She would skate around in warmup and practices holding her lower back and looking very old and kind of dowdy. My roommate and I used to joke that her next big endorsement might be the stairlifter or Ben Gay. It's always sad to watch your favorite athletes start looking old (relatively speaking) when they're trying to hang on in competition but from 96-2003 she was phenomenal, sans the last half of 99, and will always be one of my all-time favorites.
    You must have missed Kwanita's Konfession then ...

    Announcer: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to a speshyul summer edition of The Smeeta Smitten Show. Before this eveningís show commences, we would like to take the opportunity to remind you to switch off your cell phones. And now, without any further ado, please put your hands together to welcome the showbiz kitten herself, FSU-TVís very own Smeeta Smitten and her speshyul guest Maya Usova!

    [A red velvet curtain that covers the set rises to reveal an empty stage. As the music begins, a lone spotlight focuses the audienceís attention on a solitary figure at the left of the stage. The audience applauds heartily when they realize that it is Maya Usova. She is dressed in a tight-fitting black blouse and matching pants]

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    (sung to the tune of ďLife Is Just A Bowl of CherriesĒ from Big Deal)

    Maya Usova:
    Life is just a pack of ciggies
    Don't take it serious
    Life's too mysterious
    You skate
    You smoke
    You worry so
    But you can't take your fags
    When you go, go, go

    So keep enjoying your ciggies
    And have a drink or four
    The good things in life
    To you were just loaned
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    [As the music rises to a crescendo, a black translucent screen at the back of the stage rises and the audience roars as Smeeta Smitten, wearing a long-sleeved black lace blouse over a black sleeveless tank top and black pants, appears and sashays gracefully to the front. After flashing a dazzling smile at the audience, she puts on a black bowler hat that she is carrying in her right hand. On cue, a phalanx of attractive and well-defined dancers, all wearing figure-hugging black outfits and bowler hats, join her onstage. A photograph of Christine Brennan is lowered from the top of the proscenium]

    Bye Bye Brennan

    (sung to the tune of ďBye Bye BlackbirdĒ from Liza with a ďZĒ)

    Smeeta Smitten and chorus:
    Pack up all your angst and woe
    There you go
    Feeling low
    Bye bye Brennan
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    No one here can love or understand you
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    Smeeta:
    Where nobody waits for you
    What to do, ainít it poo
    Bye

    Chorus:
    Bye

    Smeeta:
    Bye

    Chorus:
    Bye

    Smeeta:
    Brennan

    Chorus:
    Shoo shoo shoo shoo shoo shoo!

    Smeeta:
    No one here can love or understand you

    Chorus:
    No no no

    Smeeta:
    Oh what wretched insults they hurl at you

    Chorus:
    Oh oh oh

    Smeeta:
    So we hope that you just might
    Disappear by tonight
    Brennan Ö..

    [Dance Break: Smeeta and the chorus break into a slinky, snazzy jazz routine a la Bob Fosse, much to the delight of the audience]

    Smeeta:
    Weíll keep hoping that you might
    Disappear by tonight

    Smeeta and chorus:
    Leave your cave before you die
    Toodle oo!
    Farewell!
    Bye bye!

    Smeeta:
    Brennan

    Chorus:
    Brennan

    Smeeta:
    Brennan

    Smeeta and chorus:
    So take a hike you no-look Hagrid Ė bye!

    [Thunderous applause fills the studio as the audience rises to its feet for a sustained standing ovation. Joined by La Usova, Smeeta and the chorus take their bows]

    Smeeta: Oh thank you very much pussycats! A very big thank you to my lovely chorus and speshyul guest Maya Usova too. Welcome to Smeetaís speshyul summer show! Smeeta canít tell you how nice it is to be back in the studio with you, she has missed you so much, mwah mwah!

    Now hold on to your fur balls pussycats, for Smeeta has a Smeetalicious treat for you: Despite her busy schedule and multitude of commitments, our guest has kindly agreed to spend the evening with us, so please put your fluffy paws together to welcome the Kween of ladiezzz figure skating herself, eys itís La Kwanita, the five time world champion and nine time US champion -- Michelle Kwan!

    [Michelle Kwan, looking resplendent in a royal blue halter neck dress, walks through the double doors of the set and she is greeted with tumultuous applause]

    Smeeta: Welcome to the Smeeta Smitten Show, Michelle! Youíre looking absolutely beautiful, as always.

    Michelle Kwan: Thank you Smeeta, itís great to be back.

    Smeeta: It seems like youíve been very busy with college and public engagements since we last saw you on this show.

    Michelle: Eys, Iíve just finished classes at the University of Denver and Iíve been appointed a public diplomacy ambassador for this country too. Oh by the way, I loved your little ďtributeĒ to Christine Brennan Ö..

    Smeeta: Thank you dahlink, letís hope she gets the message and disappears from this world so you wonít find her dumpster diving at your home again.

    Michelle: (laughs) Itís quite funny when you think about it now, but at the time it was really frightening Ö..

    Smeeta: Of course, who wouldnít be terrified to find a hairy, eleven foot monster rifling through their trash at two in the morning, but thatís another story Ö..

    [The audience bursts into spontaneous laughter]

    Smeeta: So will we ever see you back on the ice again, competing for another national, world, or even that elusive Olympic title?

    Michelle: Well, to be honest, Smeeta Ö..

    Kwanitaís Konfession

    (sung to the tune of ďThe Oldest ProfessionĒ from The Life)

    Michelle Kwan:
    Iím worn out and weary
    I ainít no machine
    My hips hurt
    My feet hurt
    And everything in between Ö..

    Iím getting too old for the skating profession
    Iím getting too tired and too slow
    Iím getting too old for each long training session
    I guess Iíll finally turn pro

    Iím getting too old to do triple jumps now
    Time to put this madness to a stop
    Iím getting too old to try out for pairs now
    Or to ice dance my way to the top

    I canít seem to manage
    Kwanatics who manage
    To manhandle me every time
    To tell you the truth
    After my hip surgery
    I think Iím past my prime

    When I was sixteen
    It was fun doing tricks
    I needed the money
    And I wanted some kicks
    Now I ainít sixteen
    I have turned twenty six
    Itís time to come in from the cold
    Looks like Iím getting too old Ö..

    Smeeta Smitten: Now you say that youíve been training at the highest level for ten years, how much time do you think youíve spent practising on the ice?

    Michelle: I donít know Smeeta, but get your calculator and letís figure it out.

    [Smeeta produces a calculator from the coffee table on the set and hands it to Michelle]

    Michelle:
    Say five hours a day
    Six days a week
    Of course, that was back in my prime
    Thatís thirty hours a week
    Fifty weeks a year
    ĎCause I always take a long break in summer time
    So thatís thirty times fifty
    Multiplied by ten Ö..
    Holy Tatas of Kwan, let me do that again!

    After ten years on the ice
    Iíve really paid the price
    It says that Iíve practising
    For fifteen thousand hours!
    Lord have mercy Ö..

    [An audible gasp can be heard from a section of the audience where the Kwanatics are seated. rfisher, Head Priestess of the Church of Kwan, begins the first decade of her rosary]

    Michelle:
    Iím tired of posing for product endorsements
    And haggling over the price
    Iím tired of attending public engagements
    You never meet anyone nice

    Iíve done everything a diva can do
    But how God damn much can Kwanita go through
    Iím getting too old for the constant attention
    Iím getting too old for Olympic obsession
    Iím getting too old for the skating profession
    Iím getting too old for the ice Ö..

    Iím tired Ö.. tired Ö.. tired Ö..
    Iím we-e-e-e-e-e-a-ry
    Iím getting too o-o-o-o-o-ld ÖÖ for the iceeeee!!!

    Smeeta: Well thatís all the time we have for this speshyul summer show, pussycats! Thank you very much for your time Michelle, and we wish you all the very best! Good night and God bless!
    Men and I are like pianos - when they get upright, I feel grand!

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