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  1. #41

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    {{{Gazpacho}}} Doesn't your psychiatrist have any backup in case of emergency? I know you don't want to go to the ER, and it probably would not help, but you should see someone soon.

    I am glad you are still posting. Please promise you will come back here and post, and wait for a response, before taking actions that would harm you.

    And I'm sorry you have had such bad experiences w/ hotlines. I have been a volunteer myself, and would never have spoken to you that way.

  2. #42

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    We will continue to be hare to support you.

    (((((Gazpacho)))))

  3. #43

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    Gaz, all I can say is that I'm happy to see your post, so you made a bunch of people happy today! I'll repeat...you made a bunch of people happy today!!!
    AceOn6, the golf loving skating fan

  4. #44

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    Glad you are still with us, Gazpacho. DO NOT beat yourself up for not doing things you think you should be able to do. One of the hallmarks of depression is that you JUST.CANNOT.DO.THINGS. I spent many, many days unable to just get out of bed, and had a counselor tell me, "I don't think you want to get better." It really didn't help having a mom who was mystified and a dad who told me to "just get on with it."
    BARK LESS. WAG MORE.

  5. #45

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    Gazpacho, so glad to see you posting again! Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you as are many other people here. {hugs}
    A good rant is cathartic. Ranting is what keeps me sane. They always come from a different place. Take the prime minister, for example. Sometimes when I rant about him, I am angry; other times, I am just severely annoyed - it's an important distinction. - Rick Mercer

  6. #46

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    Quote Originally Posted by LilJen View Post
    One of the hallmarks of depression is that you JUST.CANNOT.DO.THINGS. I spent many, many days unable to just get out of bed, and had a counselor tell me, "I don't think you want to get better." It really didn't help having a mom who was mystified and a dad who told me to "just get on with it."
    What did you find helpful, LilJen?

  7. #47
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    Quote Originally Posted by LilJen View Post
    Glad you are still with us, Gazpacho. DO NOT beat yourself up for not doing things you think you should be able to do. One of the hallmarks of depression is that you JUST.CANNOT.DO.THINGS. I spent many, many days unable to just get out of bed, and had a counselor tell me, "I don't think you want to get better." It really didn't help having a mom who was mystified and a dad who told me to "just get on with it."
    Ugh, a counselor should know better!

    There was a post on the web comic Hyperbole and a Half that dealt with depression in great detail, since the writer suffered with it, not updating her comic for more than a year. It was super eye-opening for someone who has never experienced it. I'm not sure if I should post it here because it might be triggering, but it's easily Googlable. I recommend anyone who's never had depression to read it.

  8. #48

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    Quote Originally Posted by gkelly View Post
    What did you find helpful, LilJen?
    Sigh. Tough to say. Some of it was just TIME. Some of it was educating myself about depression. *I* initially felt a lot of guilt that I just couldn't pull myself out of this, but I learned that this is NOT true. Just like you can't will yourself to stop having cancer or stop having a diseased liver, you can't will yourself out of depression. Time, finally; good therapists; good friends who listened and understood and were patient; antidepressants; and a better understanding of the way my body and brain work. It's a chronic thing with me; I've been on antidepressants for years because that seems to be what my brain needs to work "right" (rather than in the fog and continual grayness of depression). I also find myself slipping sometimes if I'm not taking care of myself--eating healthy, getting exercise, and getting decent sleep.
    BARK LESS. WAG MORE.

  9. #49

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    Quote Originally Posted by Anita18 View Post
    Ugh, a counselor should know better!

    There was a post on the web comic Hyperbole and a Half that dealt with depression in great detail, since the writer suffered with it, not updating her comic for more than a year. It was super eye-opening for someone who has never experienced it. I'm not sure if I should post it here because it might be triggering, but it's easily Googlable. I recommend anyone who's never had depression to read it.
    I'll second that -- I just got her book, and those comics did a really good job of explaining what depression is like. I'm going to show those chapters to the next person who doesn't get why people can't just jolly themselves out of depression with vitamins and exercise.

    Gazpacho, I'm still thinking about you today and hope you're able to find help.
    "Liking this sport is ridiculous, so you’re a little different for liking it, she explained. But you’re allowed to like what you like." - Robert Samuels

  10. #50

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    Quote Originally Posted by rjblue View Post
    When people are this depressed, brain scans show that the part of the brain that translates impulse to action is almost non-functional. You aren't able to do much because you physically can't. Don't beat yourself up over the things that you should be doing, but can't. Let yourself sleep and cry this weekend. Keep your goals/tasks really simple- like eating, stretching, etc. This is only "nearly" intolerable, and it will get better at some point.

    I have a good friend who is bipolar, and he told me that many people with his diagnosis have a horrible teens and twenties, but as they gain more experience with their condition, they can manage their medication and find what works for them. It is such a trial and error process, and the disease causes such fluctuations that it can be a long road to stability.

    eta- And get to the doctor on Monday!
    eta again (I'm sure you've heard all that stuff many times before, but I couldn't leave your last sentence unanswered)
    ^Good advice. Please don't be too hard on yourself, Gazpacho. Just do you what you can, and get help as soon as you can, and take care of yourself. Prayers are going up for you, and hugs coming your way!
    Charter member of the "We Always Believed in Ashley" Club and the "We Believe in Ricky" Club
    Old, lonely, pathos-hungry, and extremely gullible

  11. #51

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    (((Gazpacho))) Please try to see a psychiatrist on Monday or get someone else to help you (like a nurse may be) if the psychiatrist is not available.

    Don't be too hard on yourself, OK?

    Sending positive vibes your way.

  12. #52
    having a nice day
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    Just one more day to Monday! I wish you well :-)
    Have a nice day!

  13. #53

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    Quote Originally Posted by immoimeme View Post
    Just one more day to Monday! I wish you well :-)
    Me too!
    A good rant is cathartic. Ranting is what keeps me sane. They always come from a different place. Take the prime minister, for example. Sometimes when I rant about him, I am angry; other times, I am just severely annoyed - it's an important distinction. - Rick Mercer

  14. #54

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    Thank you all for your support. Over the past day the suicidal thoughts have become more concrete. I still haven't taken the actions (prepare the documents, shred things I don't want to others to see after I die though I know it's silly because I'll be dead then, buy a gun). But when I think about suicide, I get a sense of relief.

    The nearest ketamine clinic is over 2 hours away, but I'm going to call them and see if I can get an appointment in the next few days. About a third of people don't get depression relief, but it doesn't seem to be harmful to them either. I need to take the chance.

  15. #55

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    Quote Originally Posted by LilJen View Post
    Sigh. Tough to say. Some of it was just TIME. Some of it was educating myself about depression. *I* initially felt a lot of guilt that I just couldn't pull myself out of this, but I learned that this is NOT true. Just like you can't will yourself to stop having cancer or stop having a diseased liver, you can't will yourself out of depression. Time, finally; good therapists; good friends who listened and understood and were patient; antidepressants; and a better understanding of the way my body and brain work. It's a chronic thing with me; I've been on antidepressants for years because that seems to be what my brain needs to work "right" (rather than in the fog and continual grayness of depression). I also find myself slipping sometimes if I'm not taking care of myself--eating healthy, getting exercise, and getting decent sleep.
    My experience largely mirrors your own.

    My thoughts continue to be with you as you find your way to the best therapist, treatment and support.
    Take it one moment at a time; and don't give up.

  16. #56

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gazpacho View Post
    The nearest ketamine clinic is over 2 hours away, but I'm going to call them and see if I can get an appointment in the next few days. About a third of people don't get depression relief, but it doesn't seem to be harmful to them either. I need to take the chance.
    That's good, Gazpacho. Keep concentrating on positive steps that you can take. Your life is worth it. You are worth it. Life gives you options and possibilities -- death takes them away.

    We care about you and we're here to support you.
    Charter member of the "We Always Believed in Ashley" Club and the "We Believe in Ricky" Club
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  17. #57

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    Hi Gazpacho,

    The ketamine option sounds very exciting. I hadn't heard of that before, but when you mentioned it I looked it up. How good that you're finding some options.

    Remember, the help line is there whenever you need it. As often as you need it.

    We care. Lots.

  18. #58

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    (((Gazpacho))) Hang in there. I know what you're experiencing. It feels unbearable right now but remember that it's temporary. Death, though, is so permanent. Please keep posting. We're all here and we care.
    "If people are looking for guarantees, they should buy appliances at Sears and stay away from human relationships."~Prancer

  19. #59

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gazpacho View Post
    Thank you all for your support. Over the past day the suicidal thoughts have become more concrete. I still haven't taken the actions (prepare the documents, shred things I don't want to others to see after I die though I know it's silly because I'll be dead then, buy a gun). But when I think about suicide, I get a sense of relief.

    The nearest ketamine clinic is over 2 hours away, but I'm going to call them and see if I can get an appointment in the next few days. About a third of people don't get depression relief, but it doesn't seem to be harmful to them either. I need to take the chance.
    Gazpacho, suicide is not 'relief'. Please call for help (locally) ASAP. Tell them it's an emergency and you need help immediately. Don't wait.

    I hope you feel better soon. Things do change. Your tough times will pass. I can guarantee you that. Life is definitely worth living, no matter how difficult the situation may appear. Don't throw away this wonderful gift. Better days are ahead of you.

    (((Hugs)))
    Last edited by Vash01; 02-02-2014 at 10:59 PM. Reason: I hate typos!

  20. #60
    GPF Barcelona here I come
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    Gazpacho, I hope today you are finding a little more relief from your pain. I can't begin to understand what you are going through or feeling but wanted to say I enjoy reading your posts and being part of this community, a community that cares about you. Sending hugs (()) and please update us on how you are feeling, there is some good advice on this thread.
    Thanks to PI .. I discovered I'm actually a Nontheist

    "Love is better than Anger, Hope is better than fear" Jack Layton 1950-2011

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