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  1. #441

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    Thank you, Gazpacho, for starting a John Curry thread in GSD yesterday!
    "Randy [Starkman (1960-April 16, 2012)] lived by the same motto as the rest of us. The Olympics isn’t every four years, it’s every single day. He just got it." --Canadian Olympic kayaker Adam van Koeverden

  2. #442

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    Thanks for starting the John Curry anniversary thread, Gazpacho.

  3. #443
    Thunder & Lightning!!!
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    Thinking about you and wishing you peace. HUGS!
    Peace & Love, Gypsy
    Even a man who is pure in heart and says his prayers by night, may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms and the autumn moon is bright.


  4. #444

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    Things aren't getting better. I don't know what to do.

  5. #445

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    Quote Originally Posted by barbk View Post
    Gazpacho,

    We're here for you. The hotline is also here for you. Please, please give them a call. 1-800-273-8255. You felt better when you talked with them before.

    I know that the hospital was a terrible experience for you before, but it isn't the case that it is always going to be that way. You're worth the chance.

    We care, and we want to see you get the help you deserve.
    Gazpacho ... I'm not a professional, so all I can do is pray and give you whatever support I can through this board. Please call the hotline, or another if you trust another group more. I know the depression is lying to you, but YOU ARE WORTH IT!

  6. #446
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    Echoing what attyfan said. ((Gazpacho))

    Also, Have you called your psychiatrist's office? He's the doctor who prescribed your medication and he should know that it's not helping you so that he can work from there.

    Also, calling your therapist would be a good idea. In my experience, it really helps to express what you are feeling and the things that are bothering you to someone. Even if all they can do is listen, expressing the things that are bothering you will help lift the burden and make the worries and anxieties less scary. Don't keep things bottled in. And sometimes we don't even know consciously what exactly is bothering us, which is why a therapist would help you work through and deal with the things that are bothering you.

  7. #447

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    Gazpacho, keep reaching out to people -- to the hotline, to the therapist, to the psychiatrist, to us. Commit yourself to asking for help as many times as you need to, and get the support that can get you through this. As attyfan said, you are worth it. You matter. Prayers and hugs.
    Charter member of the "We Always Believed in Ashley" Club and the "We Believe in Ricky" Club
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  8. #448

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    please please keep fighting. You are so very worth it. I hate to think of you all alone and hurting....isn't there anyone you can turn to?

  9. #449
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    I'm glad you're checking in, Gazpacho. Totally agree with reaching out to the hotline, to the therapist, to your doctor. Even a little step counts.

  10. #450

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    I've been trying to get in touch with my psychiatrist for a few days now, but no luck. The nurse called me to verify that it was me who made the call, and then she said she would get in touch with the psychiatrist, but I haven't heard anything.

    I've been contemplating saying something for a little while now but haven't because it may strike some people as ungrateful. Please do not misunderstand me. I am very grateful for all your support. If it weren't for FSU, I really would have absolutely nothing, and absolutely no one to talk about these problems with.

    Here is what I can't stop wondering. If I knew you in real life and told you the same things, would you be as supportive? Would you check in with me every few days to know how I was doing? No one has checked in with me in real life. No one, including a few people who do have more than an inkling of my mental illness. I bet in every one of your lives, there is someone like me. I bet every single one of you knows someone who is severely depressed or otherwise impaired by a mental illness. Some of you may not know that person's problems. Others I'm sure do know, or at least suspect, that the person is having a very difficult time in terms of mental health.

    Are you doing anything about it? Or do you sit back and passively wish that person well?

    If I were to shoot myself today, I'm sure there will be many people who know me in real life who'd say they're so sad to see me go, if only they had known they would have helped, yada yada. When I read comments like that, they usually make me sick. Why do you suddenly care so much that someone is dead when you didn't care as much when they were alive?

    A classmate committed suicide after years of being abused by his parents for being gay. He was even sent to gay "reform" camps. Then his parents said they were in so much grief, and they participated in suicide prevention fundraisers. Never once did they acknowledge their own role in his suicide. If I were to run into them today, I'd be tempted to spit in their faces.

    That's an extreme example. A less extreme, commonplace example occurs when a student commits suicide. Classmates often say they're so sad, they wish they could have helped. You know, I bet it's the same girl or boy you saw sitting alone in the cafeteria every day, and you never asked them to join you.

    The best way to prevent suicide is to give a shit about someone when they're alive. Don't just hope for the best for them. If you know or suspect someone is having mental difficulties, show them you care.

    Please reach out to someone you know in real life that you think might be dealing with severe and impairing depression or anxiety or any other mental illness. If there were people in my life doing that, threads like this wouldn't be as necessary. That's not to say that I wouldn't be dealing with any mental illness problems, just that the mental illness problems would probably be a little easier to deal with.

  11. #451
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    I'm also glad you're writing and giving a shit Gazpacho. That's important, and it's good you're doing it.

    Thank you for the reminder. I should check in with a friend of mine. She isn't depressed, but overwhelmed and anxious, and a while ago, I offered to help her with some school registration logistics that was just adding things to her plate. I know she's too proud to ask me out of the blue, so I have to offer. But I'm happy to do so, if I know what would help her most and not add to her list of things to worry about.

    A high school friend of my sister's committed suicide, and nobody knew he was in so much pain. He was gregarious, social, had lots of friends, but he never let anyone know of his pain. He kept it bottled up inside, for God knows what reason. All she knew was that he had some family problems, but nobody knew it was that bad. Everyone has family problems, right? All of his school friends felt immense guilt and were left wondering, "What could I have done?" but they could do nothing because he didn't let any of them in.

    That's why we're pushing you so hard to reach out to someone. That's why cruisin and I asked you where you were located, because FSUers are everywhere and there might be someone who could help you more specifically and not just offer kind words. I hope you can trust someone here to give them that information. Sometimes people just don't know how bad things are.

  12. #452

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    Quote Originally Posted by Anita18 View Post
    A high school friend of my sister's committed suicide, and nobody knew he was in so much pain. He was gregarious, social, had lots of friends, but he never let anyone know of his pain.
    From what I understand, that's more common in males than females. Females do it too, but a bit less than males. Our society places so much pressure on males to appear strong and unemotional.

    Quote Originally Posted by Anita18 View Post
    All of his school friends felt immense guilt and were left wondering, "What could I have done?" but they could do nothing because he didn't let any of them in.
    I say with almost 100% confidence that if he had let people know about his problems and how depressed he was feeling, he would have found himself, at best, ignored by the majority of the people expressing guilt after the fact.

    When people wonder what they could have done, most of the time, one of the following is true: a) they know damn well what they could have done and didn't do it; b) they didn't know, but it doesn't matter because even if they did know, they wouldn't have done it anyway .

  13. #453

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    Gazpacho, I am sorry you are suffering so much. I had a friend when I was in grad school who was severely depressed and suicidal. We all did support her, and do our best to help her. Some of our group took her to the student health services. She committed suicide anyway. It was very sad. So, my point is that, yes, some of us may reach out to you even in real life. I wonder, if you asked a close friend to check on you every few days, would he or she? Sometimes others don't realize the depths of your difficulties...

  14. #454
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    Gazpacho, Yes, I would be there for a loved one. I have been in situations where a friend or family needed help. I was there for them. A few times it was extremely hard for me. Because of my OCD, I have panic attacks just going near a hospital, let alone going into one. But, I had to figure a way to deal with it, to be able to help. Maybe, it's because I have struggled with depression and other issues myself, I know how painful it is. I believe that most posters here would do what they could to help a friend or family member get help. I believe that you must have someone in your life who would help you. But, do they know you need help and will you let them?

    When my Aunt tried to kill herself, the first time, the family tried to get her help. I was about 20 at the time, so this was 40 years ago. She refused help. They did not have the meds for depression and OCD that they have today. Ultimately, she tried again and died. I think it can be very complicated to get a loved one help. If the person doesn't want to get help you can't force them. Commitment is very hard to do, you need two psychiatric evaluations and a judge to sign off. Then you run the risk of that person hating you and never trusting you again.

    Dear Gazpacho, I'm going to ask you a tough question. If there were a person who would be willing to come and help you, would you let them? I sense that you don't want to be a burden and that you don't want to disappoint anyone. You also have to figure out what your expectations of help are. Would that be someone who could go with you for treatment, take you to your doctor, help you run errands? Or would you want someone to sit with you, but not interfere? If someone is going to help you, they will want to get you help, not watch you suffer. I hope this doesn't come across as harsh. The first time I dealt with full blown OCD, I refused to get help. I couldn't leave the house, felt I would die if I did. I ultimately went voluntarily, after my family threatened to put me in a hospital. But, it took 3 months to convince me. I was at a point where I wished I had something that could be cured surgically. I felt hopeless. Then, the med I was put on was horrible to get used to (Imipramine, this was 27 years ago). I didn't like my doctor, but stuck it out for a year and a half. I felt much better, and was weaned off the meds. 5 years later, it came back with a vengeance. But, I recognized it and got help quickly. Went to a doctor who had treated a family member. I knew him and liked and trusted him. I have been with him off and on for 22 years. I have been on and off different meds for 27 years. But, I have had to see the signs in myself and head it off by getting help before I go over the edge. I know I will always be OCD, I know I will always have a high risk for depression and panic, and I know I will always have an eating disorder (whether or not I am active in it). I have to fight it and know when I can't do it alone. I don't know if any of this helps. I guess I just want you to believe that you are not alone and that it can get better. I know it doesn't feel that way, right now. But you have to fight, you have to believe you are cared for, and you have to ask for help. It may be that people want to help but don't know how or are afraid of upsetting you.

    Please reach out! XOXOXOXOXO

  15. #455
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    Gazpacho, first of all I truly wish you can somehow get the help you need.

    But to answer your question, a few years ago I had a very dear friend who I sensed was going through a hard time. I checked in with him, invited him to events, and he declined, and declined, until the last couple of months he started getting out of the house and going to see ballet (something we both loved). I altered my schedule several times just to go to the ballet with him, and that meant canceling plans, exchanging tickets, to accommodate his schedule. The last time we went the show was completely sold out and I got last-minute standing room tickets and we stood in the very top of the auditorium. We had a great time. I thought he was on the mend. We even emailed that night.

    Two days later his partner called me. He told me that he had arrived home from a brief business trip and my friend had ended his life. To this day it hurts me to think about it.

    It is great you are reaching out online. But in the end, we aren't you, and I don't think any of us are enough mental health professionals to give you the help you need. It sounds as if you are isolating yourself in real life. Do you have anyone you could call? Anyone who could come over, and take care of some routine chores if that's too much for you?Please try to reach out to someone. Don't assume that people don't care.

  16. #456

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    Quote Originally Posted by cruisin View Post
    Dear Gazpacho, I'm going to ask you a tough question. If there were a person who would be willing to come and help you, would you let them?
    That's a good question, and I thank you for asking it.

    The answer is, I truly don't know. The problem is trust. I've learned that some people are trustworthy, others are not (this applies to far more than mental illness), and you usually don't learn who isn't trustworthy until it's too late.

    Over the years, I have experienced negative repercussions of various forms from revealing a mental illness or reaching out for help. I don't think my experiences are unusual. "Friends" will say they want to help. If you ask to talk to them once, they'll listen and say supportive things. A second time, they'll kind of blow you off. The third time, and they ditch you because they don't want to be around such a downer.

    I even had one "friend" who starting making fun of me to other people. He wrote a little poem calling me "[my name] the mad girl".

    Another time, I confided in someone at work. This person was much senior but not my superior. I knew her, but not well. She wore a National Mental Health Awareness Week button, so I thought, finally, here is someone I can talk to. I confided in her that I had go to to the hospital, and that I had been diagnosed with bipolar. She sounded quite supportive.

    Two years later, she used it against me when she wanted her favorite to receive a raise rather than me. She said it out loud at a meeting. I wasn't there, but I heard about it. I didn't know her well and confided in her because of the button she wore. I've since found that she has a reputation of playing office politics to her advantage and screwing over random people. So even if there are solid signs that they would be supportive, such as wearing a button, I've learned that I can't be sure they're trustworthy.

    For several years, I refused to see any mental health professionals. I had been seeing one before, but my confidentiality was illegally violated, and it had some real tangible serious negative consequences. I get so angry thinking about it and don't want to go into details.

    These experiences have made me reluctant about reaching out.

  17. #457

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    I'm happy you feel comfortable sharing with us here on FSU, Gazpacho. We're with you.
    "I hit him with my shoes... if he had given me the medal like I told him to, I wouldn't have had to hit him!" -- 8-year-old Rhoda Penmark in "The Bad Seed"

  18. #458

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    You make an excellent point, Gazpacho. Sometimes people just aren't trustworthy. Or they are flaky and say that they care and then just sort of drop out of view. Or the second or third time they hear your spiel they're tired of it and are ready to move on to something else. Or they'll stab you in the back as your coworker did. Unfortunately.

    The thing is, you'll never know if someone could be a wonderful support IF YOU DON'T ASK. Better even is to ask a few people, so that the 'burden' of supporting you doesn't fall on any one person and overwhelm them. It's very possible that any of the hotline numbers we've posted could connect you to people in your community who can help with this kind of thing. Yes, most people are really bad at dealing with people struggling with mental illness, but I bet there are a few people out there, near you, who would understand or would be willing to learn what you need and what would be most helpful. Having been through my own bouts of depression, I feel at least I have SOME clue about how devastating mental illness can be, which helps me understand others who are struggling in a similar way, and I bet there are others who have been there as well.
    BARK LESS. WAG MORE.

  19. #459

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    You've raised some great questions here, Gazpacho.

    Personally, I seem to attract people who are looking for a sympathetic ear. They seem to flock from far and wide! I don't know why; I've heard that this often happens to INFJs like me, but I couldn't say why it happens. It's not like I wear an "INFJ" sandwich board. However, for whatever reason, they keep coming, and I do my best to help. I'm not perfect and sometimes I mess up, but I do try. My faith helps me a lot -- it reminds me that I'm not carrying people's burdens all by myself, but that there's Someone much bigger and more capable than I am, who's helping the person in trouble and also helping me to be a good friend.

    LilJen made a very good point about the importance of persistence in asking for help. Please keep doing this. I know we all wish we could be there for you in person, but since we can't, we want you to find people who can.

    And I'm terribly sorry you've been hurt by the people you mentioned. Unfortunately, there are people out there who will do awful things like that. But there are also good people who can help you. I hope and pray you find people like that.
    Charter member of the "We Always Believed in Ashley" Club and the "We Believe in Ricky" Club
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  20. #460

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    Quote Originally Posted by Wyliefan View Post
    And I'm terribly sorry you've been hurt by the people you mentioned. Unfortunately, there are people out there who will do awful things like that. But there are also good people who can help you. I hope and pray you find people like that.
    Reaching out entails a risk. People take risks because there are potential awards. But there are also potential hazards. It wouldn't be called a risk otherwise. People invest in the stock market because they might make money. But they might lose money too. It's a risk.

    And in general, the greater the potential reward, the greater the potential downfall, as illustrated by the stock market example.

    The same applies to reaching out. The more you reach out, the more risks you take. The more potential positive results, and also the more potential negative results.

    Some people are risk averse (stay on the safe side), and others are more risk tolerant. In almost everything, I tend to be risk averse. Taking more risks feels so scary for me.

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