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  1. #241
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    Exactly. Keep at it, sometimes doctors are slow to get back to ppl. And making an urgent appointment to see a family doctor is another option too.

  2. #242
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gazpacho View Post
    I called the doctor's office for the second time in two days, and still no response.
    I don't know if this is the case with your doctor. But, many psychiatrists and psychologists don't have a staff. No receptionist, therefore, no one to answer phones. If your doctor is not getting back to you, with the level of distress that you are in, there is a problem. I suggest that you call your primary doctor. Get a physical. go over all of your meds. Consider a new psych doctor. I know that is exhausting. Starting over with a new psych doctor is overwhelming. But, you deserve an immediate call back.

  3. #243
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    Quote Originally Posted by cruisin View Post
    Gazpacho, I know that you feel that you want to be alone. I understand that you don't want to bring others into your nightmare. But, I want to reiterate, that is the depression talking. However you feel that others might be overwhelmed, they won't. People love you and care about you being around for a long time. You are important! Let someone in. Let someone help you. Believe me they want to. We, here on FSU, are very worried about you. We only know you through posts, and we have come to care for you, a great deal. I imagine that anyone who is lucky enough to know you, in person, adores you. If they don't know you are suffering, they can't help you. I suspect there would be many people who would feel that they let you down if something happened to you. Please, please, please, let someone help you. Fight the voice that is telling you that you should be isolated. You need someone. And we need you.
    Agree with all of this. We care about you so much Gazpacho.

    I know it must be so hard. But keep going. One step at a time. Call the helpline, call your primary doctor. You shouldn't be alone like this.

  4. #244

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    Love you, Gazpacho.
    "I hit him with my shoes... if he had given me the medal like I told him to, I wouldn't have had to hit him!" -- 8-year-old Rhoda Penmark in "The Bad Seed"

  5. #245
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    Echoing what crusin and others have said, I really hope you're able to see your Primary Care Doctor very soon. What's going on right now could be a drug interaction that's amplifying your Depression or a bad reaction to one of the new drugs period. I also really hope you are not alone right now and can talk to someone.

    Keeping you in my Prayers every night. ((((HUGS))))

  6. #246
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    That happened last wk to my roomie. She called and called and no response. She was sinking back down again. I said try once more maybe they all have the flu or something and voila they called her right back-everyone was at a convention and why on earth they didn't put that pertinent piece info on their answering machine is beyond me :-P

    ie quite often it's not you, it's *them*
    Give it another go
    Have a nice day!

  7. #247

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    Quote Originally Posted by cruisin View Post
    I don't know if this is the case with your doctor. But, many psychiatrists and psychologists don't have a staff. No receptionist, therefore, no one to answer phones. If your doctor is not getting back to you, with the level of distress that you are in, there is a problem. I suggest that you call your primary doctor. Get a physical. go over all of your meds. Consider a new psych doctor. I know that is exhausting. Starting over with a new psych doctor is overwhelming. But, you deserve an immediate call back.
    He has a nurse who handles his phone calls and scheduling.

    Getting a new psychiatrist is not an option, as I've explained on another thread. The only ones within an hour of here taking new patients are the ones that get awful reviews. There are psychiatrists in the city about 70 miles from here, and I used to go to one whom I liked. But I could not stand his staff, and because of the distance, I found it impossible to make regular appointments.

    My family doctor, as expected, told me to talk with the psychiatrist.

  8. #248
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gazpacho View Post
    He has a nurse who handles his phone calls and scheduling.

    Getting a new psychiatrist is not an option, as I've explained on another thread. The only ones within an hour of here taking new patients are the ones that get awful reviews. There are psychiatrists in the city about 70 miles from here, and I used to go to one whom I liked. But I could not stand his staff, and because of the distance, I found it impossible to make regular appointments.

    My family doctor, as expected, told me to talk with the psychiatrist.
    (((Gazpacho))) tell your family doctor that your psychiatrist is not responding. Tell him this is an emergency and that you feel you should have a physical exam. You, absolutely, should have blood work done.
    Get your blood sugar checked. Blood sugar can cause extreme emotional ups and downs. It can cause depression, it can cause unexplained rage. There may be physical reasons for some of what you are feeling. Don't take no for an answer. Don't let a doctor push you off on another one. Remember, your PC doc is the Gatekeeper and should be on top of everything. As always - XOXOXOXOX I wish there was more we could do for you.

  9. #249

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    Called the psychiatrist again, spoke in person to the nurse who said she would tell the psychiatrist and call me back.

    I don't feel like waiting.

    Edit: I'm not going to kill myself if that's what you're worried about. I don't have things in order yet.

    If that brings you a sigh of relief, please reconsider that relief because, really, dying isn't the worst thing that can happen. Nothing can be worse than what living can be like.

  10. #250

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    But dying takes away your choices. And no matter how tempting that might sound to you at this moment in your life, that's not a good thing. You can't change your mind or come back from that decision, like you can from so many others. There's no reversing it.

    There's a reason for the old saying "Where there's life, there's hope." There IS hope for you, Gazpacho. Please believe that. All of us here believe it.

    It might not be a bad idea to talk with a spiritual advisor as well, if you have someone you trust, or if you find a trustworthy recommendation. But in the meantime, please do keep trying everything you can to get hold of the doctor and the psychiatrist to help you take care of the physical and mental aspects. Your life is worth it.
    Charter member of the "We Always Believed in Ashley" Club and the "We Believe in Ricky" Club
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  11. #251

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    Quote Originally Posted by Wyliefan View Post
    But dying takes away your choices. And no matter how tempting that might sound to you at this moment in your life, that's not a good thing. You can't change your mind or come back from that decision, like you can from so many others. There's no reversing it.
    That's the line of thought that brought me to this miserable state. The closest I ever got to suicide, I pulled back a little at the last second. That's the biggest mistake of my life. Things were in order, I was ready to go. But then I thought, I'm still young. What if it gets better? I cry thinking about that because if only things were slightly different, I would be gone, and that would have spared me all the suffering I've gone through since.

    I can honestly say that even if it gets better, it will have to be "better" for decades before I think things have been worth it. And statistically speaking, that simply won't happen. Statistically speaking, I have a well over 95% chance of having multiple suicidal episodes. The brain is a complicated mechanism. There are no cure--treatments perhaps but no cures--on the horizon for psychiatric illnesses of my magnitude.

    I wish the last 20+ years of my life hadn't happened. Even on a really happy day, like the day I graduated college, I distinctly remember telling someone that yes, this was a happy day. Yes, I had accomplished something. But no, it was not worth living for.

  12. #252

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    You're absolutely right that the brain is a complicated mechanism, and you have to keep in mind that the state your brain is currently in is coloring your view of life and the world. If you can keep pushing until you get help, things may well start looking very different to you -- and it probably won't take decades, either.

    That's what we all want for you. That's what we hope and pray that you will start wanting for yourself. Please, keep hanging on. We will keep walking with you, as best we can, as long as it takes.
    Charter member of the "We Always Believed in Ashley" Club and the "We Believe in Ricky" Club
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  13. #253
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wyliefan View Post
    You're absolutely right that the brain is a complicated mechanism, and you have to keep in mind that the state your brain is currently in is coloring your view of life and the world. If you can keep pushing until you get help, things may well start looking very different to you -- and it probably won't take decades, either.

    That's what we all want for you. That's what we hope and pray that you will start wanting for yourself. Please, keep hanging on. We will keep walking with you, as best we can, as long as it takes.
    Absolutely.


    Gazpacho, choosing to die is taking choice away from a very important person - your future self. You're making choices for your future self when you're no state to do so.

    I'm mother hen to a couple young guys who sabotage themselves in relationships. "She won't ever want to be with me, I'll be alone forever, why should I even try?" I tell them, that's putting thoughts into another person's head. I tell them, let her choose. Don't be unfair to another person. Give them the choice.

    You have to give your future self the chance to have a better life. Will it guaranteed to be better? None of us knows, but neither do you. Even when you've been through the same thing in the past, the future is not guaranteed to repeat itself. You have to give yourself the chance to find out what that might be.

    ((HUGS))

  14. #254

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    Quote Originally Posted by Wyliefan View Post
    Please, keep hanging on. We will keep walking with you, as best we can, as long as it takes.
    THIS. [[hugs]]
    You should never write words with numbers. Unless you're seven. Or your name is Prince. - "Weird Al" Yankovic, "Word Crimes"

  15. #255
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    If you don't want to wait, then you could make an urgent appointment with another family doctor (not your own). If that isn't possible, you could maybe try a walk in clinic/urgent care?

    Everyone has said it so well. I believe that God created each of us and put each of us in this world for a purpose. You are here because there is a great purpose for you to be here. Choosing to die would tremendously hurt the people around you and society at large, because you would be taking away your talents and gifts from others. Even in this small part of your life that is this message board, we enjoy reading your posts and your friendship so much. We need you, the people in your life need you, and society needs you.

  16. #256
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    Gazpacho, it is reassuring that you said you are not going to kill yourself. However, the word yet terrifies me. It seems that it is only the fact that your affairs are not in order, that is stopping you. I have read every post in this thread. I am blown away by how much everyone cares about you. They (and I) care, because you are special. You are bright and talented. You have so much to offer. I love what Anita said about your future self. Please don't deny your future self a life. I know that I (we) have been harping on this, but please see a doctor. Even if you have to go to an ER. You are not just casually imagining suicide. You seem truly ready to die. There are breakthroughs in medicine every day. A new drug or treatment could be on the horizon. If you end your life, you will never know if you could have lived without suffering. My mother's sister killed herself. She was OCD and had some other problems. This was in the early 70s. She couldn't take the feeling of being out of control anymore. They didn't understand OCD back then and didn't have meds to treat it. And she refused to see a psychiatrist. Now, OCD is treated fairly successfully. Had she not take her life… It devastated our family, her friends.

    As Wyliefan said, so eloquently, We will keep walking with you, as best we can, as long as it takes. Please let us XOXOXO

  17. #257
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    Quote Originally Posted by cruisin View Post
    If you end your life, you will never know if you could have lived without suffering. My mother's sister killed herself. She was OCD and had some other problems. This was in the early 70s. She couldn't take the feeling of being out of control anymore. They didn't understand OCD back then and didn't have meds to treat it. And she refused to see a psychiatrist. Now, OCD is treated fairly successfully.
    A similar thing happened to a friend of mine. Her mother had MS and she killed herself only a year or two before the first, successful medications were available. She wasn't in an advanced stage yet, she just would have had to hold out a little longer. My friend, her daughter, has MS, too, and she's living a normal life. She's recently had a baby boy, her absolute joy and pride. She's told me how there are trials now that might make the MS medication available to take orally, as pills, so that would mean she wouldn't have to have infusions anymore.
    And remember, there even is a vaccine against a form of AIDS now. It seemed impossible but people do the impossible every single day. Walt Disney said, it's fun to do the impossible. I guess, these people are not only taking his word for it, they try it themselves and I'm sure they're having fun or they wouldn't be so dedicated. And there really seems to be nothing that is impossible! Just remember that. There's always light at the horizon and there's a sunrise every minute of the day somewhere in the world! Hope doesn't die, it's inside you, too, and it will eventually silence those doubts! You'll make it through this!

  18. #258

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  19. #259

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    {{{Gazpacho}}} I am sorry you have suffered so much. I cannot imagine the depths of pain which you have felt. Or the helplessness. I can only say that I will be here to listen. {{{Gazpacho}}}

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    Gazpacho, I hope you won't mind if I post a link here. I was reading this story in the paper tonight and I suddenly thought of you. It was the story of a musician who survived a prison camp in WWII, and one of the things she said much later was "Life is wonderful and worthwhile, even when it is difficult."

    (I especially loved that she was inspired by Beethoven; he's my favorite composer too, though I don't consider him a "religion"! )

    You're fighting your own battle now. I know it's a hard and horrible one. My prayer for you is that you will be given strength and courage to hold on until you reach the place where you, too, can say that life is wonderful and worthwhile. God bless and keep you.
    Charter member of the "We Always Believed in Ashley" Club and the "We Believe in Ricky" Club
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