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  1. #61
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    Quote Originally Posted by 4rkidz View Post
    Gazpacho, I hope today you are finding a little more relief from your pain. I can't begin to understand what you are going through or feeling but wanted to say I enjoy reading your posts and being part of this community, a community that cares about you.

    Can't say it better myself. I enjoy your posts and I hope you'll find some help. We'll be here to support you

  2. #62
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gazpacho View Post
    Thank you all for your support. Over the past day the suicidal thoughts have become more concrete. I still haven't taken the actions (prepare the documents, shred things I don't want to others to see after I die though I know it's silly because I'll be dead then, buy a gun). But when I think about suicide, I get a sense of relief.

    The nearest ketamine clinic is over 2 hours away, but I'm going to call them and see if I can get an appointment in the next few days. About a third of people don't get depression relief, but it doesn't seem to be harmful to them either. I need to take the chance.
    Yes, please do.

    I'm so glad you're still with us and that you're giving us honest updates, Gazpacho. It really means a lot to everyone here, and I hope it's helping you too. We're all rooting for you.

  3. #63
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    I'd really, strongly encourage you to call the help line again, the one that helped a bit the other night. If your suicidal thoughts are strengthening, you've got to have help.

    Still praying for you.

  4. #64

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    {{{Gaspacho}}} Please hang in there. I'm glad you may have some treatment options. Please give them a try, and give them a chance to work. We are all here for you.

  5. #65
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    Gazspacho, please keep in touch w/us and if things are getting worse, please take that chance and go to that Clinic. Even if it's only a stop gap measure to get you through until your regular Doc is back, please go for it. You know we're here.

  6. #66
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    Again, I dunno if I can help, but I'll leave the phone on tonight. Wake me up, it's okay. :-)
    And Monday is almost here . Let us know how you're doing.
    Have a nice day!

  7. #67

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    (((Gazpacho))) ....sending you loving thoughts. I hope you get stronger in your mind and peaceful in your thoughts. Have a good night's sleep. I hope you wake up happy.

  8. #68

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    Hi Gazpacho,

    I hope you're able to get better access to resources now that we're past the weekend. Were you able to make an appointment with the clinic?
    We're still thinking about you and here to support you.

  9. #69

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    ^^^
    Seconding all the above!

  10. #70
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    (((Gazpacho))) I know how bad you feel and how desperate it can get. Please try to hold on with the help of anyone who loves you, until some kind of treatment plan is put in place. Also, try to remember that if you're feeling as bad as you describe, even getting up and dressed is a victory. Some ignorant people may dismiss such an idea, but they don't know how much you're suffering. And please keep posting. If you'd like to share what you're feeling in more detail or exchange experiences of feeling suicidal, by all means PM me. I can't promise to say anything that will make you feel better, because everyone's experience of mental illness is unique, but possibly you won't feel so alone.
    Last edited by orientalplane; 02-03-2014 at 04:39 PM.
    I hear outside a million panicking birds, and know even out there comfort is done with; it has shattered even the stars, this creature at last come home to me.

  11. #71
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    (((Gazpacho)))

    Hang in there. Remember this, too, shall pass, and there are brighter days ahead. Also, as others have said, don't beat yourself up about not applying for that job, or whatever else you don't feel up to doing right now. There will be other jobs; there always are. Just concentrate on getting better. Find little things that you can enjoy/look forward to, like the watching the Olympics (am making the assumption that you might be a figure skating fan. )

    Hopefully since the weekend is over, your Dr. will be available today. I have never heard of ketamine (looked it up when I read what you wrote about it.) Sounds interesting; it doesn't hurt to check it out and explore that option In the event that it may be able to help.

    Sending many positive vibes your way.

  12. #72

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    I second what Orientalplane wrote. You are not alone. We will support you to the extent we can, through PM or phone calls (as another poster suggested). Please try to get help from a doctor or a nurse. It's Monday now. I hope you have lots of luck finding the help you need. Please keep posting to let us know how you are doing. Hugs.

  13. #73

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    Gazpacho, does you psychiatrist only manage your medication routine or do you also receive concomitant treatments (e.g., psychotherapy)?

    Ketamine could provide possible short-term relief; however you'll likely have to pay out of pocket for an infusion, as it is not an approved treatment for depression. If the clinic is two hours away, you should probably have someone drive you there and back (if possible). Many of the effects of Ketamine can impair driving.
    Sometimes I think I lost something really important to me, and it turns out I already ate it.

  14. #74

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    Well, this has been a disappointing day. The nearest ketamine clinic (over 2 hours away) said that I'll first need to go for an evaluation and then will have to have at least once weekly, preferably 2-3 times weekly, infusions for 6 to 8 weeks. I don't know why that's their policy. I asked about getting it one time, and they said no, they only do it over an extended period. I can't figure out why except that maybe they're gathering the data for research purposes. So that's out of the question.

    I got a hold of the psychiatrist's assistant who got a hold of the psychiatrist, and I was able to speak with him briefly. My psychiatrist had never head about ketamine treatment for depression. He said to go back on Wellbutrin. I reminded him that I went off Wellbutrin because it didn't work. I had tried it a couple years ago, two different doses, and then 3-4 months last year. It's always been like water--no effect. But he said that maybe the dose wasn't right, so he wants me to try another dose.

    I don't want to try Wellbutrin yet again when it's never done anything before. He was pushing Pristiq last time I saw him, but now he says he doesn't want to try that for another month or two.

    I can't go on like this. I need to try something new. My psychiatrist is probably thinking, as long as I'm this down, I won't commit suicide because I don't have the energy or motivation. That's acceptable to a doctor who undoubtedly has had patients commit suicide. But it's not acceptable to me.

    NinjaTurtles, I was seeing a therapist regularly, but in the past two months, I've been so down that I can't even get to her office.
    Last edited by Gazpacho; 02-03-2014 at 11:49 PM.

  15. #75

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    Gazpacho --maybe consider calling the helpline and seeing if they can help you get connected to someone soon? It doesn't sound like your current psychiatrist may be the help you need. Or, perhaps getting a second opinion might open up some new avenues.

    Can you call your old therapist and talk with her? Can she provide therapy on the phone? (I don't know what is possible on that front.)

    Is there a way any of us can be helpful?

  16. #76
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    What about seeing your family doctor or any other family doctor if yours is booked? Family doctors are able to prescribe anti-depressants and often do. The important thing is that you see a doctor as soon as possible.

  17. #77

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    Quote Originally Posted by iloveemoticons View Post
    What about seeing your family doctor or any other family doctor if yours is booked? Family doctors are able to prescribe anti-depressants and often do. The important thing is that you see a doctor as soon as possible.
    I think it's a good idea. The family doctor could even recommend a psychiatrist to you, and you could get a quick appointment.

    I think seeing the past therapist may be a good idea too. He/she may be able to do something, like prescribing a drug that you feel comfortable with.

    As long as you do something about it, you are on the right track. If you don't feel you have the energy to do something, is there a family member or a friend that could give you a ride?

  18. #78

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    I'll admit to not knowing much about ketamine, but I do know that some treatments, when given via infusion, have to be repeated several times. Maybe it's one of those.
    Charter member of the "We Always Believed in Ashley" Club and the "We Believe in Ricky" Club
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  19. #79
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    That's not acceptable to me either esp from a professional who is supposed to be *helping* you. I think all the suggestions made sound like avenues to try. Try one then the other then another. The need for new is valid and perfectly understandable. It's out there! Sometimes it just appears! I hope you find it v v soon. Thanks for keeping us updated :-)
    Have a nice day!

  20. #80

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    Can you ask exactly WHY you must go for the ketamine infusions for 6-8 weeks and not try it once? I do know people use Ketamine as a drug so perhaps they want to make sure it is going to people who truly need it for depression? If you are desperate enough, perhaps you could go for the infusion and not go back? Not very honest but you could always say it didn't work or you didn't like the side effects. If you do think it works you may find you have the energy and motivation to keep going back even if it is a long drive. That is my hope, it would work and make you want to keep going back. If it doesn't work, make sure it is safe (that you can stop cold turkey, etc) and don't return.
    -Brian
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