Here's the deal. I feel very depressed, but not agitated depressed (on the edge between mania and depression when people are the most dangerous) like I was before my bipolar disorder was under control.
Instead, I've been stuck in bed sleeping and crying. I don't have the energy and motivation to commit suicide, if that makes any sense. Basically, if someone handed me a gun in bed, I might do it. But I don't have the motivation to buy a gun. I've thought about and researched other suicide methods throughout the years and have concluded that a gun is the way to go. Other methods don't appeal to me.
So the chances of me committing suicide are pretty slim right now because, like I said, I don't have the motivation to buy a gun. I also don't have the motivation to update the documents indicating what to do after my death and how to handle my accounts, etc. I can't stand the idea of leaving a logistical mess and also want to destroy a bunch of stuff, mostly documents, first.
On the other hand, I can't stop wishing everything was over.
Should I go to the hospital?
The very first time I was hospitalized, way long ago, the experience was so traumatizing and violating, criminally so, that I still get panic attacks and flashbacks. I was so young then, and I think they took advantage of that. The second time was better but still traumatizing. I can't go into details because I'm starting to panic just thinking about it.
About five(?) years ago, I was agitatedly suicidal because my bipolar was out of control. I hadn't made an attempt but went to the hospital trying to get admitted because I was on the edge. They wouldn't admit me unless an attempt had been made. So I left the hospital, went back a little while later, and told them that I had taken some over the counter pills in a suicide attempt, and they admitted me. They kept me there for four days, I think it was. During that time, I was told that there shouldn't be a problem with insurance. I should have verified it with the insurance company before going to the hospital because my insurance only covered some of the costs. I was left with a $7500 bill that took 2 years, many phone calls, and many tears, to pay off.
The hospital experience was both positive and negative, in different ways that I won't go into now. There were definite negatives that lingered, for example the hospital bill, and I still have very mixed feelings about whether it was right for me to go to the hospital then.
But the long term effect was probably positive because it sped up my treatment for bipolar. Before that, I wasn't even officially diagnosed as bipolar even though I had all the symptoms. I was able to see a psychiatrist immediately at the hospital, and I got on stronger medications that are appropriate for bipolar.
I don't know what to do. My psychiatrist is away, so I can't get a hold of him immediately.