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  1. #1

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    Unintentionally Funny Writing (Inspired by Sandra Lee's Novel)

    Like many posters here, I find Sandra Lee deeply disturbing and unintentionally hilarious. Her recently published novel, The Recipe Box, wasn't the trainwreck I had hoped for, but after reading it (library book--I didn't buy it) I thought it might be amusing to collect hilariously bad writing, particularly--but not necessarily exclusively--published fiction: a sort of FSU version of the Bulwer-Lytton Awards.

    Here are my initial contributions:

    "Dancing with Mike, holding his muscular fireman's shoulders, feeling his cheek rough upon hers with the twinkly chandelier overhead and the moon rising over the park outside, Grace felt a glow, and she was pretty certain it wasn't the champagne. Mike dipped dramatically, his hand firmly pressed to the small of her back. Yes, he was a man who literally had her back."
    -Sandra Lee, The Recipe Box, page 218

    "Almost any sausage will do."
    -Sandra Lee, The Recipe Box, page 197

    The opening sentence to the short story "X" by Bernard Cooper (a well-respected contemporary writer) would've made me choke if I had been drinking something while I read it:
    "The DJ is sampling new cuts by Migraine and Rank Amateur when Nelson comes on to the drug."

  2. #2

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    "Almost any sausage will do."
    -Sandra Lee, The Recipe Box, page 197
    Sometimes, jokes simply tell themselves

  3. #3

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    I dunno, those excerpts from Nasty Sandy's book make me want to read it, even if it isn't as trainwrecky as we hoped.

    Does the book have russipees and tablescape instructions?
    You should never write words with numbers. Unless you're seven. Or your name is Prince. - "Weird Al" Yankovic, "Word Crimes"

  4. #4

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    Yes, there are many russipees, and one is for some sort of balls, which reminded me of one of my favorite semi-ho episodes, Holiday Cocktail Party. No tablescapes, sadly.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by Aerobicidal View Post
    Yes, there are many russipees, and one is for some sort of balls
    As Rex says, sometimes the jokes just write themselves.

    Does the book have the recipe for the Kwanzaa KaKe or the Hanukkah cakewreck?
    You should never write words with numbers. Unless you're seven. Or your name is Prince. - "Weird Al" Yankovic, "Word Crimes"

  6. #6

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    Those cakes come with instructions and warning labels. You don't cook them so much as you construct them.

    Hmmmm, I miss having nasty Sandy around to snark on.

    Judas Priest - if Cuomo makes it to the White House, he'll marry her and she'll destroy the kitchen. And make all the furniture white.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by overedge View Post
    As Rex says, sometimes the jokes just write themselves.

    Does the book have the recipe for the Kwanzaa KaKe or the Hanukkah cakewreck?
    Sadly it does not. However, I just glanced at the recipe index and realized there are recipes for both Swedish Balls and Swedish Buns. Sadly there are no Swedish Sausages, but maybe those will be in the sequel.

    ETA: This brief clip from her Carnival Foods episodes is a perfect microcosm of Sandyland, with its phallic lusciousness and crimes against literacy.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by Rex View Post
    T

    Judas Priest - if Cuomo makes it to the White House, he'll marry her and she'll destroy the kitchen. And make all the furniture white.
    Well, what else would you expect her to do in the White House?
    You should never write words with numbers. Unless you're seven. Or your name is Prince. - "Weird Al" Yankovic, "Word Crimes"

  9. #9

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    Came across one today, in Laura Childs' 'Fiber and Brimstone':

    "Her luminous dark eyes looked even more serious than usual, and she twisted a delicate hand in her flowing dark hair. Always dressed in her ubiquitous preppy style, Gabby today wore a yellow cashmere twinset with tailored khaki slacks and Tory Burch flats." (p. 31)
    You should never write words with numbers. Unless you're seven. Or your name is Prince. - "Weird Al" Yankovic, "Word Crimes"

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by overedge View Post
    Well, what else would you expect her to do in the White House?
    Who, HER? I think she should be a tourist, nothing more.

  11. #11

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    I don't even think she should be let in as a tourist. She might hide some white paint and tablescape ingredients in her purse and go on a redecorating spree as soon as she got inside.
    You should never write words with numbers. Unless you're seven. Or your name is Prince. - "Weird Al" Yankovic, "Word Crimes"

  12. #12

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    Quote Originally Posted by overedge View Post
    I don't even think she should be let in as a tourist. She might hide some white paint and tablescape ingredients in her purse and go on a redecorating spree as soon as she got inside.
    I know, right?
    Maybe she would get bum-rushed by a Secret Service man.

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