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  1. #81
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anita18 View Post
    Married to Chinese men?
    Um, yes? All of my coworkers that I work directly with are married, and none of them have double eyelids...

  2. #82
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    Quote Originally Posted by Prancer View Post
    Smarter in what way?
    Smarter in almost every way I can see, but not always that much smarter.

    Quote Originally Posted by Prancer View Post
    Capable in what way? How do you assess such things?
    I can only judge based on my own hierarchy: I think the most important capabilities are 1. Meeting the obligations a person agrees to, unless circumstances, like health, cause them not to be able to 2. Balancing excellence at the key things they do without having it take over their lives 3. Being independent 4. Following through 5. Setting expectations and communicating well 6. Dealing reasonably well under pressure and changing circumstances.

    Almost all of my female friends are more capable in these ways than their husbands, and I don't include the passive-aggressive ways of getting out of housework and other things they feign incompetence at. Some are better at holding jobs, and others are better at their work than their husbands. I'm trying to think of one who is less flexible and adept at change than her husband, and I can't. The last six-seven years of the economy have shown this in many, many ways.

    Quote Originally Posted by Prancer View Post
    Most of the married couples I know have a balance between smarts and abilities, where each partner has strengths and weaknesses.
    It's not as if I think my friends are 100% more capable and smarter in every way: I think they are more capable and smarter in ways that matter to me, and, of course, I'm generally not privy to their husbands' point of view. I'm trying to think of a husband that I don't like, and I can't think of one, and some are both friends of mine, usually independently. I've pushed back when I think they're full of it and aren't giving credit to their husbands/partners. They get lots of other things from their spouse.

    Some have had massive frustrations, and one is too cheap to ever divorce her husband, although she feels he played a bait and switch -- I don't think consciously -- but they've been a more consistently happy lot than I've been, in general. They mostly like being married, and I think the ones who occasionally rue that they didn't pick/weren't picked by the citius/altius/fortius guys wouldn't have been happy on a day-to-day basis with them.
    "'Is this new BMW-designed sled the ultimate sledding machine for Langdon and Holcomb?' Leigh Diffey asked before the pair cruised to victory. I don’t know, but I know that sled is the ultimate Olympic Games product placement.." -- Jen Chaney

  3. #83
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    Quote Originally Posted by Prancer View Post
    So by virtue of where they went to school, they are smarter and more capable than their spouses? Or are you just saying that they went to more prestigious schools and thus "married down"?
    Of course not. The schools are just icing on the cake. These women are extraordinary. In one case, the Ivy League school recruited her, not the other way around. There is no balance of smarts and abilities, especially in one of the cases. The disparity is glaring. And it ended in a divorce which surprised no one.

    In the other case, there are some other qualities that make up for the difference in educational and intellectual level, at least for the woman involved, or so it seems.

    You are going to have to trust me (or not) but I am not giving out any more details as this forum is publicly available.
    Last edited by IceAlisa; 04-08-2013 at 06:53 AM.
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  4. #84
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    Quote Originally Posted by kwanfan1818 View Post
    It's not as if I think my friends are 100% more capable and smarter in every way: I think they are more capable and smarter in ways that matter to me.
    And therein lies the rub. Someone else could, looking at the same situation from a different angle, come to completely different conclusions.

    In the end, it only matters how the married couple perceives their differences.

    Quote Originally Posted by IceAlisa View Post
    You are going to have to trust me (or not) but I am not giving out any more details as this forum is publicly available.
    I was simply asking you why you defined both women by where they went to school, not asking you to prove anything.
    Trolling dates all the way back to 397 B.C. - People began following Plato around and would make fart noises after everything he said.

  5. #85
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  6. #86
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    The chick who sat next to me in 11th grade English spent the entire year asking me for answers about Silas Marner and Julius Caesar and whatever else we had to read in junior year. Meanwhile, I was practically napping at my desk and counting down the days to graduation so I could finally get out of that teenage hellhole and I was like what the hell, this chick is supposed to be so damn smart why does she keep asking me for the answers? She ended up going to Princeton. She was amiable enough but she never struck me as particularly remarkable, she just struck me as a chick who knew how to take a test and how to give the answers that teachers wanted to hear. I, on the other hand, wasn't always so good with that teacher pleasing thing.
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  7. #87
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    Quote Originally Posted by Prancer View Post
    And therein lies the rub. Someone else could, looking at the same situation from a different angle, come to completely different conclusions.

    In the end, it only matters how the married couple perceives their differences.
    Of course. But when friends explicitly list the trade-offs they make -- perhaps unreliable witness testimony -- intelligence and capability aren't things they often list on the pro side in emphatic terms, except for the two who chose exceptional fathers who've been the kids' primary caretakers. (For one this was intended; for another, it happened by circumstance.) "Smart enough" is a common description, or, as one of my male friends says when he tells me has a new girlfriend and I ask what she's like and what she looks like, he'll answer, "She's as cute as anyone needs to be." It's like a minimum level has been met, but there's a lot that wasn't on all of their lists to begin with, especially the ones who partnered young and are still with the same guys 35+ years later. They found mensches, or, in the case of one, did what she described to me as what her mother did: she found a guy who wasn't as smart, capable, or good-looking, but who adored her and thought he had won the lottery when she agreed to marry him. (They've been together for over 50 years.)
    "'Is this new BMW-designed sled the ultimate sledding machine for Langdon and Holcomb?' Leigh Diffey asked before the pair cruised to victory. I don’t know, but I know that sled is the ultimate Olympic Games product placement.." -- Jen Chaney

  8. #88

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    I"ve never been attracted to men who were less smart or capable than I was.
    The few real "prospects" I met had already been discovered by women who were searching for the same thing.

    At my advanced age, I haven't given up hope; but, as the years pass. finding such a person seems less likely.

  9. #89

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    Quote Originally Posted by MacMadame View Post
    After I graduated from college, I ended up living in the Princeton area and dated two men (one after the other, not at the same time though at some point they were roommates) who were attending graduate school at Princeton. I thank my lucky stars all the time that I didn't marry either of them.

    My husband has no college degree and he's no dummy but he's no intellectual either. We've been married going on 24 years and, if we ever do get divorced, it won't be because of that, but because we grew apart and didn't do the work necessary to avoid that -- you know, the normal stuff that gets basically compatible people who've been together forever once the kids grow up.

    Anyway, I think she's an idiot. First of all, the right person for you isn't necessarily exactly your intellectual equal. In fact, if you have two competitive, driven people with high intellects, that can actually be a bad thing, especially if you are competing all the time. Sometimes it's better to be complementary in skills and attitudes than it is to be the same. A partnership where one person's strengths is another person's weaknesses can lift you both up.

    I agree with most of what you say. Two extreme career driven person, when do they have time for their relationships?

    However, I think it's more important to find a person that compliments you emotionally and spirtually.

    Imo opinion, it's better to not be married, live your life than it is to settle and marry. The author of the article does not mention the many educational, career women who "settle" in relationships that don't make them happy. For that matter, the number of women who settle for relationships who don't make them happy because they feel then "need" or "should" be in a relationship. How about we see research about that.

    I swear it seems that some women culturally are right out of 1850.
    "“My bronze feels like gold,” said the bronze medalist Carolina Kostner

  10. #90
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    I think in 1850 the odds of finding a mutually fulfilling relationship were much better as people had a lot fewer unrealistic expectations or competing 'life goals.'

    And settling is never good because settling breeds resentment. Better to be single than be someone you eventually hate for not being what you wanted, just what was available.

  11. #91
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    Quote Originally Posted by danceronice View Post
    I think in 1850 the odds of finding a mutually fulfilling relationship were much better as people had a lot fewer unrealistic expectations or competing 'life goals.'

    Life of women in 1850.

    Not my idea of a good time and not my idea of mutually fulfilling relationship, either.
    Trolling dates all the way back to 397 B.C. - People began following Plato around and would make fart noises after everything he said.

  12. #92
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    Quote Originally Posted by IceAlisa View Post
    I don't disagree with the idea that one should aim to marry one's intellectual equal. I just don't see why it has to be done in college. If one is graduating from an Ivy League, chances are good that one would encounter other prestigious university grads in the course of one's career and social life. Getting married while in college is not for everyone, not everyone is ready for a serious, hopefully lifelong commitment.
    I do believe that marrying one's intellectual equal is crucial to a good relationship. Let's put it this way: it won't guarantee a good marriage, but if two people are on completely different levels, it's definitely not going to work in the long run. And no, you don't have to find your intellectual equal in college. In my case, I'm about to get a master's degree from, well, an Ivy League university (let's just say it's in the Boston area). My husband is a machinist by trade who never finished college. (We met at a party.) But he has an IQ of 147 and is mechanically and musically gifted. My talents are a bit different but we always have plenty to talk about.

  13. #93
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    I think it depends on what you are looking for in a relationship. If you are looking for someone to nurture you, their IQ is probably somewhat irrelevant as long as it reaches a certain level. If you are looking for people to have fascinating conversations with, then it matters more.

    One of my Princeton men had an IQ at least as high as mine, probably higher. Part of what made him freaking annoying was his utter conviction that he was always the smartest one in the room. And it wasn't annoying because it wasn't true either. He frequently was the smartest one in the room. He's also in his late 50s and never married. So I guess I wasn't the only one put off by his attitude.
    "Cupcakes are bullshit. And everyone knows it. A cupcake is just a muffin with clown puke topping." -Charlie Brooker

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    Compatible IQ scores were never part of the discussion when my husband and I were dating. Neither of us even knows what they are, nor do we care!

    We met when he picked me and a friend who was a neighbor of his, up at a bus stop. We hung out for a bit, then the friend had to go home. I stayed with him and we spent almost the entire night sitting on the swings at the local park, talking. If I had judged him then, because he was a high school drop out, I would have missed out on 32 years of love!

  15. #95

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    In most of the marriages I see that are rocky, it is precipitated by 1) financial pressures followed by 2) differences in response to those financial pressures. #2 seems to depend on compatibility wrt common sense/practicality versus education/IQ.
    Figure skating is hard.

  16. #96
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anita18 View Post
    I know very few couples where the woman has more degrees than the male partner. (And in all cases, the man still makes more money. ) The happy relationships in that aspect, are ones which are vastly untraditional in terms of power structure. There's bound to be animosity when the wife wants to go to medical school, but the husband wants her to stay home and take care of the kids and clean the house...
    I know a few couple like this, but most of the couples I know are on par with regards to education/salary. I actually know quite a few couples where the man is more than content to live off the woman. A friend of mine is currently working two jobs while finishing her masters at a prestegious university, while her fiance is content to work 15 hours a week at the local corner store . Of course, he can't work full time because he's going back to the local community college in the fall, to finally scrounge up enough credits to transfer to a state school after 10 years of half-assing it.

  17. #97

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    Quote Originally Posted by quartz View Post
    And Southpaw, you keep on lovin' your Kenmore! Mine is a cute little lime green canister, it's the only brand of vacuum I will ever buy! Loyalty and commitment; its the only way to be!
    I still haven't found the right vacuum cleaner. : I own about four and none of them meets my needs. I guess that makes me promiscuous as well as unsatisfied on that front.

  18. #98

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    Quote Originally Posted by gkelly View Post
    I still haven't found the right vacuum cleaner. : I own about four and none of them meets my needs. I guess that makes me promiscuous as well as unsatisfied on that front.

  19. #99
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    Quote Originally Posted by gkelly View Post
    I still haven't found the right vacuum cleaner. : I own about four and none of them meets my needs. I guess that makes me promiscuous as well as unsatisfied on that front.
    Me neither. I have 3. None work great, but all function.

    My neighbor's laud their Rainbows, but I just can't fathom spending that much on a vacuum.

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    Uh oh.....I have a feeling there are now going to be the potential husband vs vacuum function comparisons happening in 3. 2. 1.........

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