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  1. #1

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    Princeton mom: Women have a "shelf life"

    Princeton mom: Women have a "shelf life"

    Apparently, the letter this Princeton mom wrote to the school's paper went viral.

    The part of this that bothered me (and I am a 32 year old woman who has never married), is that this woman assumes that after about 30, all single women just gets desperate and "settle for what they can get" for a husband. And they then end up less happy then they could be. I also didn't think it was correct that the only time one would find someone who is also an Ivy Leaguer is while they are in college. There must be plenty of opportunities after graduation.

    BUT - does she have a point (even if her attitude about herself is wrong) in finding someone who "matches" you? Do opposites in education or social status usually lead to incompatibility over the long-term in marriage?r

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    Hmm, I don't Michelle Kwan was focused on landing a husband when she was in school.

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    The problem with that is that during college, everyone's still figuring out who they are. And often, the more intelligent folks are more self-conscious about their place in the world. And IMO, one self-conscious person in a relationship is quite enough!

    It took me 1.5 years to figure out I was completely incompatible with my college boyfriend. And I can't really think of any other guys who "got away." Everyone I know who graduated around the same time I did are either high-flying entrepreneurs or super-laid back hippie artists. The former would intimidate me immensely, and the latter would make me lazy.

    When I did online dating, most of the guys I met were highly intelligent and graduated from great colleges. So if a woman is really concerned about her pool of suitors, it would be better to live in an area where there are a large number of highly-ranked colleges and unis. Los Angeles is definitely teeming with them, so it definitely wasn't an issue of "quality" guys with me.

    The fact that Alf was not a liberal arts college graduate doesn't bother me. He's much more interested in technology than in social issues, but I still have plenty of friends from college to discuss social issues with. He doesn't rest on his laurels and his work ethic definitely inspires me. And most of all, he has neverending support for what I do, and unwavering faith in my abilities.


    I will say, she isn't wrong that a woman needs to marry "right" to reach her full potential. Men too, actually. This translated interview of Ang Lee definitely punctuates that: http://whatshihsaid.com/2013/02/26/a...-ending-dream/ He went 6 years without a job, and his wife's undying support for him strengthened his resolve. He wouldn't be what he is today without her. Just as a woman's life would be easier with the right partner, a man's life would be easier too.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Oreo View Post
    Hmm, I don't Michelle Kwan was focused on landing a husband when she was in school.
    Marriage was probably on her mind. I wouldn't be surprised if her parents or grandparents wondered out loud if and when she was going to get married.

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    Quote Originally Posted by ilovepaydays View Post
    BUT - does she have a point (even if her attitude about herself is wrong) in finding someone who "matches" you? Do opposites in education or social status usually lead to incompatibility over the long-term in marriage?r
    My mother has a university degree, my father does not. They've been married for almost 40 years and are just as happy today as they were on their wedding day. So this woman's business of two people who must have the same education/social status/financial status in order to have a compatible marriage is crap.

    I feel very sorry for this woman's two sons. Lord help the women that marry them as this lady will be a nightmare of a mother-in-law.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by ilovepaydays View Post
    BUT - does she have a point (even if her attitude about herself is wrong) in finding someone who "matches" you? Do opposites in education or social status usually lead to incompatibility over the long-term in marriage?
    I think it matters if it matters to you and doesn't if it doesn't.

    For her:

    After 27 years together, Patton and her ex-husband finalized their divorce last month. "He went to a school of almost no name recognition," she said, declining to name the institution. "Almost no name recognition. A school that nobody has respect for, including him, really."

    But she does wish she'd married a Princetonian. "Yes! Yes. Yes, I wish I married someone who went to Princeton," she replied when I asked. "That way I could have embraced Princeton for the thirty years that I stayed away from it because my ex-husband had no respect for the hoopla, the traditions, the allegiance, the orange and black

    It obviously matters, and so someone like her should definitely not marry anyone other than someone who has the "right" degree and social status. How she must have secretly sneered at her husband all those years for it to still rankle this way. She can decline to speak on the issue all she likes; she clearly does not think he was worthy of her.

    I don't think opposites in most things lead to compatible relationships, but what is important that you share the same critical values OR that you are willing to bend on values critical to your spouse. If you are very politically active, for example, you can be happy with someone who shares your political views and you can be happy with someone who doesn't share them but is perfectly happy for you to go out and , but it's much harder to be happy with someone who is politically active and opposite.

    Quote Originally Posted by centerstage01 View Post
    Lord help the women that marry them as this lady will be a nightmare of a mother-in-law.
    The older one is married to a nice Princeton girl.
    Trolling dates all the way back to 397 B.C. - People began following Plato around and would make fart noises after everything he said.

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    "Because these are the best guys. You'll meet wonderful men outside of Princeton, but you'll never have the numbers in your favor the way you do now
    Elitist drivel.

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    Quote Originally Posted by UMBS Go Blue View Post
    Thanks for the links to the real thing. At least she was forthcoming about the potential controversy - she certainly is smart enough to know what she's doing! It mostly sounds like she wanted to go rah-rah for Princeton and couldn't do so because her now-ex husband didn't want to. Nothing about actually being more compatible with someone more intelligent.

    I still disagree with, "Smart women can’t (shouldn’t) marry men who aren’t at least their intellectual equal." Sheer intelligence isn't going to inspire a woman to reach her full potential. What if he's intelligent AND full of himself, so she has to spend all her energy cleaning up after him anyway?

    Sheryl Sandberg said it best: "Everyone knows that marriage is the biggest personal decision one will make, but it's the biggest career decision you will make..." A woman's potential is stymied if she marries an unsupportive man. I wish that wasn't the case, but it's just reality in this day and age, when women still have to work harder than men to get the same opportunities, and still have expectations to be a mother and homemaker. I see it every day - my coworker is studying for the MCAT and hiding it from her husband, on top of taking care of their kids (and sometimes her other relatives). I mean, what a woman, to achieve all this with NO support whatsoever. But it's a small tragedy, to think of what she COULD achieve, what the world is missing out on, if only she had a real cheerleader in her corner.

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    I know there are some nice Princeton grads around but I also know a lot of people who hate Princeton with a passion and this only fuels their perception of Princeton people being snotty and incredibly full of themselves. For example, my brother hates Princeton because has never gotten over the fact that the Princeton Alumni interviewer told him that Smith College would be a better fit for him...

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    Princeton mom on CNN.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2biZpmJvk5I

    Other than Patton's objectionable Joizey/New Yuouk accent, I don't disagree with where both speakers are coming from. College shouldn't necessarily have to be about finding a mate, but if it is for some people, then, sure, whatever floats their boats...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Yehudi View Post
    I know there are some nice Princeton grads around but I also know a lot of people who hate Princeton with a passion and this only fuels their perception of Princeton people being snotty and incredibly full of themselves. For example, my brother hates Princeton because has never gotten over the fact that the Princeton Alumni interviewer told him that Smith College would be a better fit for him...
    Yeah...what? I don't even know what kind of put-down that's supposed to be!

    The very selective colleges have a certain vibe to them, because they ARE so selective. Where I graduated from, everyone was highly intelligent but also very self-conscious about their own shortcomings. My college bf visited a close friend at Harvard, and many of his friend's classmates no longer wanted to talk to him once they found out he didn't go to Harvard too. So I get the snooty stereotype, although obviously all of them are not like that.
    Last edited by Anita18; 04-02-2013 at 05:23 AM.

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    After I graduated from college, I ended up living in the Princeton area and dated two men (one after the other, not at the same time though at some point they were roommates) who were attending graduate school at Princeton. I thank my lucky stars all the time that I didn't marry either of them.

    My husband has no college degree and he's no dummy but he's no intellectual either. We've been married going on 24 years and, if we ever do get divorced, it won't be because of that, but because we grew apart and didn't do the work necessary to avoid that -- you know, the normal stuff that gets basically compatible people who've been together forever once the kids grow up.

    Anyway, I think she's an idiot. First of all, the right person for you isn't necessarily exactly your intellectual equal. In fact, if you have two competitive, driven people with high intellects, that can actually be a bad thing, especially if you are competing all the time. Sometimes it's better to be complementary in skills and attitudes than it is to be the same. A partnership where one person's strengths is another person's weaknesses can lift you both up.
    "Cupcakes are bullshit. And everyone knows it. A cupcake is just a muffin with clown puke topping." -Charlie Brooker

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    I found my best friend in college. We've been best friends far longer than any man in either of our lives. BFF degree FTW.

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    pml, the article about this I found yesterday focused not on Patton's dissing of women in general, but the fact that she's actively trolling for a wife for her younger son at his school and he must just WANT TO DIE right about now.
    Q: Why can't I read the competition threads?
    A: Competition forums on the board are available to those with a Season Pass or a premium membership How to View Kiss & Cry

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    Apparently the nutty mother never bothered to consider that through the miracle of modern biological science, women can now freeze their eggs so that their, uh, shelf life can be extended tremendously.

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    This is after all 2013 - thank goodness women don't have to marry at all and don't need a partner to have children. I don't think it's true that all the 'good men are taken' by the time a woman reaches 30.

    And a lot of men and women do meet up and marry during their university years or the first years of their career (25 or so). Some of those marriages work out, but some don't.

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    Like it or not, certain traits make you more highly prized in the single market and if you don't fall in this cathegory then your choices are more limited. The choices you face become tougher the older you get, and that goes for everyone. But one should consider this, there was an old Newsweek article many moons ago that says some people who have all the right physical qualities are much less likely to be faithfull because they are so pupular with the opposite sex. So perhaps hooking up with a perfect 10 may not be what is best in the long run. Then there is the way rich Chinese men search for wives...

    http://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/10/bu...anted=all&_r=0
    “Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.” William Shakespeare

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    Quote Originally Posted by Buzz View Post
    Like it or not, certain traits make you more highly prized in the single market and if you don't fall in this cathegory then your choices are more limited. The choices you face become tougher the older you get, and that goes for everyone. But one should consider this, there was an old Newsweek article many moons ago that says some people who have all the right physical qualities are much less likely to be faithfull because they are so pupular with the opposite sex. So perhaps hooking up with a perfect 10 may not be what is best in the long run. Then there is the way rich Chinese men search for wives...

    http://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/10/bu...anted=all&_r=0
    Are you referring to physical traits? Cause from what I've seen, physical traits mean very little when it comes to the success of a relationship. For single people looking for a mostly sexual relationship? Sure, but not necessarily for marriage.

    Besides, people find different physical traits attractive. My college bf actually had a type - short and curvy, which is decidedly NOT me. But his wife is both.

    Bleck, reading that article, I'm glad my grandparents and parents never moved back!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Anita18 View Post
    The problem with that is that during college, everyone's still figuring out who they are.
    I always find these kinds of comments really bizarre. Firstly, because I believe we spend our entire lives figuring out who we are (and I don't actually think we ever really know fully), and secondly, just because you have a partner, doesn't mean you can't figure out who you are. It's the relationships we make (romantic and platonic) that help us understand ourselves and each other. I think it's some ridiculous myth that people "find themselves" after college, or a trip away, or anything else. We can be, and IMHO should be, constantly working on who we are, and who we want to be, discovering new ways to do things, trying new things, continuing with old things, learning etc. - it's called life. Very few people reach their potential, very few people ever know their full potential; some people - maybe even most - are very happy just doing what they're doing, without even thinking about whether they're reaching their potential. Because let's face it, there's always more we can do to better ourselves, our lives, and the lives of others (and for some, this means working less, getting married, getting divorced, not going to college, going to college etc).

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