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  1. #21

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    Quote Originally Posted by Rex View Post
    "He reached over to kiss her luscious (slightly boozy-tasting) lips, when suddenly he felt a gurgling and rumbling in his stomach, underneath those washboard abs...a wave of nausea came over him as he realized he should not have eaten her Slow Cooker Meatloaf...."I-I-I have to go...can't make it...t-t-t-to the bathroom!", he dumped her off of his sturdy lap onto the floor, a heap of blonde extensions, Wal-mart lingerie and seasoning packets..." He barely made it to the toilet before his romantic meal started to come out at both ends...

    My favorite part. As close to real life as it gets.
    Sounds biographical to me too
    The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are--Joseph Campbell

  2. #22

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    I've already reserved this crispy delicious treat from my local aquaworium--I mean library. I found her memoir unreadable rather than unintentionally funny. Hopefully this will be the opposite.

  3. #23

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    Quote Originally Posted by overedge View Post
    And you didn't go?!? What is wrong with you?!? I'm sure she would have happily emptied the bottle herself before signing it for you.
    Yeah, the bottles could be worth something one day. You know, like Hitler's watercolors .

  4. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by Aerobicidal View Post
    I've already reserved this crispy delicious treat from my local aquaworium--I mean library. I found her memoir unreadable rather than unintentionally funny. Hopefully this will be the opposite.
    "Joooze"
    "Duhhhhhlishus"
    And my all-time pet peeve: "Expresso"

    It's espresso. Espresso. ESPRESSO! You're the de facto 1st lady of NY and your man is Italian - learn the proper pronunciation of one of the world's most popular caffeinated beverages!!!

    Ugh, now I need a glass of melk. With a shot of vodka or 2, of course.

  5. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rex View Post
    Yeah, the bottles could be worth something one day. You know, like Hitler's watercolors .
    Hey, be nice! Hitler was a halfway talented painter!

  6. #26

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    Quote Originally Posted by Rex View Post
    Yeah, the bottles could be worth something one day. You know, like Hitler's watercolors .
    I think she might have them lined up on her dresser in her boudoir like perfume bottles
    The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are--Joseph Campbell

  7. #27
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    I like Rex's version better than the excerpt. Can you be her ghost writer?

  8. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rex View Post
    Yeah, the bottles could be worth something one day. You know, like Hitler's watercolors .
    OMG if I could rep you I would.

    Also, I'm sure this has been posted here before but I feel it is worth revisiting: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDBntbxAXAY

  9. #29

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    Quote Originally Posted by Whitneyskates View Post
    I gotta feeling this book is going to be like the drunk lovechild of Jackie Collins and Danielle Steel.
    No...Sandra would make Ms. Collins and Ms. Steel's books read like award-winning literature, by comparison!

  10. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scintillation View Post
    OMG if I could rep you I would.

    Also, I'm sure this has been posted here before but I feel it is worth revisiting: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDBntbxAXAY
    "Ya know....I don't have any black friends...but I HAVE seen Soul Food!"

    I still can't get over how closely that frosting resembles diarrhea.

  11. #31

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    Quote Originally Posted by succubus View Post
    "Ya know....I don't have any black friends...but I HAVE seen Soul Food!"

    I still can't get over how closely that frosting resembles diarrhea.
    And yet, she has CHEF friends and can't cook...

  12. #32

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    Quote Originally Posted by Rex View Post
    And yet, she has CHEF friends and can't cook...
    Maybe because she gets them joosed up on cocktails like this?
    My job requires me to be a juggler, but that does not mean that I enjoy working with clowns.

  13. #33

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    Her autobiography is "bargain priced" at Amazon. Someone is selling a used copy for 84 cents
    http://www.amazon.com/Made-From-Scra.../dp/B002B55XJK

    Also, according to this story, the first fiction book (with another to come) was supposed to be released this past summer. What happened? Was Nasty Sandy too joosed to dictate her vague ideas to the ghostwriter too busy with all her other wonderful projects to finish her manuscript
    You should never write words with numbers. Unless you're seven. Or your name is Prince. - "Weird Al" Yankovic, "Word Crimes"

  14. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by overedge View Post
    Her autobiography is "bargain priced" at Amazon. Someone is selling a used copy for 84 cents

  15. #35

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    Quote Originally Posted by succubus View Post
    "Ya know....I don't have any black friends...but I HAVE seen Soul Food!"

    I still can't get over how closely that frosting resembles diarrhea.
    I will never forget the the most infamous comment by a reviewer made on the FoodNetwork site concerning her recipe
    " I TOOK SHITS THAT LOOKED BETTER THAN THIS!!!"

    Ole Puddin'Cups is now an author. I cannot wait to read the part where the male love interest pops balloons filled with perfume and gets a rash from the pixie stix that have been spread on his sheets.
    I'll read it while devouring a bowl of vanilla ice-cream shaped like a baked potato and covered in soggy discarded pie crusts.

  16. #36
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    At school we've decided we're going to get drunk and write a shitty romance/cooking novel to compete with Sandy's masterwork. And since we've decided that she's essentially fallen for the Brawny paper towel man in her book, we're going to include a lot of tangents about how incredibly absorbent Brawny paper towels are. The cover will probably be a smashed vodka bottle with a destroyed angel food cake in the background. There will be romance, intrigue, and plenty of easy DIY recipes that will include either Lipton's onion soup mix, Betty Crocker confetti cake mix, or both. And talk of paper towels.

  17. #37

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    Scintillation, please post it!!

    Actually I had forgotten about russipees for Nasty Sandy's "fiction" book. I wonder if it will be like one of these horrible books:

    http://www.laurachilds.com/teashopmys.html

    [and yeah, I know they're horrible because I've read them }
    You should never write words with numbers. Unless you're seven. Or your name is Prince. - "Weird Al" Yankovic, "Word Crimes"

  18. #38
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    A titillating excerpt:

    "It seemed ages that they stared deeply in to each others eyes, before Sandra remembered what she needed to do. 'Gary, hand me a bowl," she whispered. 'I need to bake this cake.' 'Oh yes,' he purred, 'yes you do.' Gary handed her a bowl and the Betty Crocker funfetti delight box of cake mix. Without looking away, he handed her the necessary spatula and whisk. She couldn't help but think how amazingly erotic this simple act had become. Would he count how many times she whisked the cake before she poured in to the 8" cake pan? Her mind in a haze, she grabbed 2 eggs and some water. Suddenly her mind went blank. 'Oh,' she murmured, 'oh-'
    'Oh don't worry,' Gary said. 'I didn't forget the oil.'
    'Oh thank you,' Sandra sighed. 'But we're also going to need some paper towels. You have no idea where that frosting could end up.'"

    We're gonna need a lot of whiskey for this.

  19. #39

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    This is awesome!!!
    You should never write words with numbers. Unless you're seven. Or your name is Prince. - "Weird Al" Yankovic, "Word Crimes"

  20. #40
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    That book is about as exciting as a song I remember from the B52's.

    "ummm! How about a Devil's Food cake!"

    "How about a Pineapple Upside Down Cake!"

    "You know, I read where it takes a long time to RISE!"

    "oooh, yeah! Let's get this thing in the oven!"
    Angie
    “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” ~ Thomas A. Edison

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