"You take Tanith, Brian, I don't need her." responded Marina Zoueva impatiently. "I could coach" interjected Nikolai Morozov popping up out of nowhere and eyeing Tanith lascivously. "What about our programs?" asked Brian and Tanith anxiously, but Morozov had already disappeared again.
"What about us?" cried Caitlin Yankowskas and Emily Samuelson, but nobody paid any attention.
"Noooooooooo! Me! Me! Joubiedoo has to skate with me!" screamed Johnny Weir, leaping into the room dressed exactly as Joubert was dressed.
Just then a trio of leggy blonde teenieboppers walked in. At first, the crowd assumed they were just some local kids, but then Joubert saw skates peeking out of one of the girl's bags. They were chattering away excitedly in Russian when Joubert called out, "You three, over here!" As the girls made their way over, Mama Joubert pushed her way forward to reach them more quickly. "Who are you and what is your relationship to figure skating?" she demanded. "My handsome, fabulous, perfect son wishes to skate pairs but must find a suitable partner! Would any of you be interested in such an honor?"
The smallest girl stepped forward, and spoke slowly, trying to use her best English. "I am Elena Radionova, Junior Worlds Champion and I won the silver medal at Russian Senior Nationals this year. These are my friends Anna Pogorilaya and Polina Edmunds. Anna skates for Russia as well, but Polina represents the US. We are visiting Detroit to get programs choreographed for the next season, but soon we must go to California to work with Frank Carrol. He is aiming to teach us the triple axel. Already we all three can do triple lutz - triple toeloop with ease. I do not think our coaches would like it so much if we switched to try pairs skating..."
"But with my son you could do side-by-side triple lutz - triple toeloop combinations! It would be a revelation!!!" exclaimed Mama Joubert.
"I would like to try pairs skating" said Polina hesitantly, "but I don't think Frank would be too happy if I made that decision..."
"I am willing to try anything so long as I can stay away from HIM!" added Anna, who pointed a finger at Morozov and shuddered subtly in disgust. "I could be your best partner ever, I too love black mesh outfits! But I would not think someone of your age would have interest in partnering with a young girl like me, although I guess for some the age difference doesn't matter" she mused, flashing a quick death stare over Mozorov's way.
"SILENNNNCEEEEEE!" boomed out an aged voice. "Do not pair up with some beautiful blonde teenager, all they will care about is shopping, makeup, and boys, the focus will be terrible and they will complain your views are too old fashioned. You must skate with ME!" an exasperated Fumie Suguri called out. "I have experience and will never grow to be too tall for you. I refuse to let my skating career be over, so this is what I've DECIDED, B!"
Everyone in the room took a moment to take in all that had just been said...
Mae-Berenice poked Joubert in the ribs. "Well??? Who will it be? Or does little Baboo need maman to choose for him?"
"Yes, but can any of them do the Iron Lotus?" inquired Manleywoman as she strolled in arm-in-arm with Dick Button puffing on a cigarette.
Last edited by aliceanne; 03-29-2013 at 11:00 AM.
"Zee iron lotus?" said Mama Joubert. "What eez zees iron lotus? Eez eet like abs of steel? My Brian has these, oui!"
"Be quiet, you!" said Zoueva, smacking Mama Joubert across the face.
Brian opened his mouth to defend his maman, but shut it quickly when he saw Patrick smirking at him. The slimy rat! Why was he smirking? Everyone knew he didn't deserve his world title. Even Plushenko said so. Hmph!
"And you!" continued Zoeuva, pointing at Brian. "Ditch the tutu! You will skate pairs with Mai! Da!"
Mai gave her the evil eye and said, "Mais non! I cannot skate with zees man!"
"And why not?" demanded Zoueva.
"Eet is because I............
"It is because I have already promised your son I would skate with him!" announced Mae. "He hasn't tried pairs in ages and wants to represent France."
"And I," said Brian, "Will start a synchro team! Who will skate with me?"
"I will!" called out Chen, Chin and Chan, the Russian wonderbabies, Johnny, Fumie, Michal Brezina, Yuna and her entourage, as well as Yuzuru Hanyu, who had been hanging out in the corner with Pooh and the Shibs.
... many miles away, Frank Carroll and Alexei Mishin watched the events unfolding via video stream, having bribed Christine Brennan to plant a camera on the premises. Each raised a celebratory toast, knowing that they had successfully knocked out Lysacek and Plushenko's competitors and ensured a great rematch.
Or had they?
Unbenownst to Carroll and Mishin the ISU was hatching a new rule. There must be at least a dozen other skaters on the ice when the men skate their long program. It will test their agility and reaction times as they weave through the crowd to skate their program. The ISU is concerned that men's skating is not being taken seriously as a sport and this should assure some full-body contact.
Meanwhile the newly-formed synchro teams was looking for a place to practice.
Last edited by aliceanne; 03-29-2013 at 11:15 AM.
But Johnny Weir kept sneaking away from practice to the sewing machine in the penalty box, where he was sewing feathers and sequins onto fluorescent lavender pinneys, to be worn by all the men in their LP's to alert the other skaters to the one who has the right of way. Johnny's cell phone rang.
"Hello? Oh, hi, Kevin. What's Jenna wearing this afternoon? You've got to be kidding. Tell her to meet me at Versace tomorrow. I'll ditch this practice somehow. What? The ISU called you and put you in charge of the crowdweaver skaters for the men's LP at the Olympics. Those idiots...what Kevin? I said, those idd-eas. Those ideas. No. What? They're calling them The Vanderperrenettes?"
Unbeknownst to Johnny, there was an eavesdropper skulking around outside the penalty box.
Although the eavesdropper was a man, he was currently disguised as a woman, so that none of the skaters he was spying on would have the slightest inkling that he was actually...well, actually who he was. He had to admit to himself that he was probably despised by all of the skaters and the majority of the fans. But so what? He was powerful, and everyone was afraid of him. Ha! But since everyone disliked him, no one would speak normally in front of him, either.
Hence his disguise as a woman. He would slink around and find out what all the skaters were plotting. And then he would pull the rug out from under them!
He pulled out a compact and pretended to refresh his lipstick. This served the double purpose of acting in character as a female, and checking to see that his wig still sat his head at the correct angle. Frowning at himself in the mirror, he wished he'd chosen a different wig, and had opted for a simple cloth coat instead of a fluffy fur.
He realized he bore quite a striking resemblance to Tatiana Tarasova. But, he thought, he certainly wasn't as fat as that conniving cow!
The eavesdropper's eyes narrowed as he approached the penalty box. It was that poseur, Johnny Weir. His blood boiled at the sight. He thought he'd seen the last of him when Johnny had bailed out of his last competition. So what was the little slimeball doing here?
He stepped closer as he noticed him gabbing on a cellphone, and heard Johnny say, "They're calling them the Vanderperrenettes?"
"Mama Mia!" the eavesdropper burst out, in quite a loud voice. The Vanderperrenettes? Was Kevin planning another comeback? He would not have it. Never!
Johnny had stopped and stared when he heard the eavesdropper say "Mama Mia!"
The eavesdropper, who of course was Speedy, hesitated. Had his cover been blown? He did not know whether to brazen it out, or to turn and run. He decided not to run, because he was, most unfortunately, wearing high heeled platform pumps. He gave Johnny an imperious look and continued walking past the box.
But Johnny looked over and shouted, "Tatiana! You look fabulous, darling! Nice and slim!
Oh crap! thought Speedy. Now what? He certainly could not reveal that he was himself. Perhaps he should just play along and let Johnny think he was that pushy, scheming Tarasova? Yes, perhaps that was best. Maybe he could get more information that way.
"Da, eez me!" said Speedy in a sweet, sickly voice, frantically trying to think of some Russian words. "Grazie! Err, Spasibo! How are you, my little borscht?"
"Tatiana, are you ok?" asked Johnny, as he approached Speedy. "You look like...............
Last edited by Marge_Simpson; 03-30-2013 at 06:23 AM.
- Rep Power
But suddenly his eyes shifted and he shouted, "Victor! TYOMA!!" He had espied his love arriving from New York with their irresistible Japanese son, and rushed over for hugs and goo-goos.
Observing these shenanigans with a jaundiced eye, including the entry of Speedy in his ridiculous disguise, was Marina Zoueva. The event that launched all these potential breakups and absurd new teams -- the entry of Zoueva with her announcement of creative exhaustion -- was total hooey. Zoueva had not the slightest intention of letting the Olympic Gold slip through her hands while figure skating lost its collective mind. In fact she had a plan which was certain to assure her of at least one, if not two, gold medals. Two equally brilliant programs, already choreographed--one a Mercedes, the other a Ferrari-- were like magnificently sculpted wedding-cakes on a shelf in her fantastically ordered mind, and she was now busy choreographing an equally stunning, if traditional, judging controversy in which the Russian judges would drop Patrick's GOEs and Duhamel-Radford's PCS in exchange for the Kazakhstan and German judges tossing some major PCS points in Adelina's direction. Kaetlyn, Megan and Eric would be off the podium and King Patrick would be deposed, leading to complete and utter fury in the Canadian skating world, led by Benoit Lavoie, Jeff Buttle, and PJ Kwong, an uproar which would ensure if not an earned gold medal for Tessa and Scott (those proklyatie legs of hers!) then a pity-outrage gold minted especially for them. If not, Marina was covered with Meryl and Charlie.
But this was not all that was boiling in Zoueva's ever-fertile imagination. After all, how many Olympic gold medals can you produce before getting bored of it all? How much of Speedy's idiocy and power mania can you take? No, she hungered for more than an ice rink in Canton, Michigan covered with pictures of champion skaters. The future Zoueva had in mind was much more lucrative and for once she herself would enjoy the spotlight... as the Mayor of Detroit! Why not? All these years in skating had sharpened her political instincts to a swordpoint. She had a power base of past and present skaters and their parents and fans, a rolodex full of zamboni operators and hockey players, and quite a few Russian friends in the, er, waste management industry who would love to get their hands on the government contract pipeline that would always flow into Detroit, Kwame Kilpatrick or no Kwame Kilpatrick. Hell, Vova Putin was on her rolodex. What's more, Marina (contrary to popular opinion) had not completely burned her bridges with Igor. She would need his help to smoothe out her recent resume. But hey, he would make an excellent parks and recreation commissioner for Detroit... a job he could (and probably would) do in his sleep while continuing to run around the world with his skaters. Thanks to Zoueva, Detroit had already won Skate America. Small potatoes, sure, but a start. As Mayor, Zoueva would get Detroit the 2022 Olympics! After that, who knew? Perhaps she would run for President. Mitt Romney was on her rolodex too!
But there was one detail Marina had overlooked...
....and that was Barbara Fusar-Poli, who was also in disguise, although she still looked scary. Marina snickered to herself as she saw Barbara tiptoe into the rink. Who did she think she was kidding, with that blond wig? She still looked like a transvestite as far as Marina was concerned. What was the snooty bitch up to? Marina took a seat in the bleachers and pretended to be looking at her cellphone, while she waited to see what those two Italian sneaks were doing.
She giggled to herself as she watched Speedy try to creep around in his platform shoes. Perhaps she should get a photo? It might come in handy for blackmail purposes. She toyed with the idea of snatching his wig off and exposing him, and wondered idly if he wore a wig when he wasn't masquerading as a woman. She'd always thought he wore a toupee - he usually looked as if he had a dead ferret sitting on his head. What a clown!
Just then Marina realized she'd been so busy smirking at Speedy, she had lost sight of Barbara. Damn! Where was she?
Suddenly someone behind Marina whispered, "Silencio!"
Marina turned to find Scary Babs, making a "hush" motion with her finger over her mouth.
"What are you up to?" demanded Marina. "And don't try to fool me, I know you are Scary Babs, I mean Barbara Fusar-Poli!"
"Shhh!" whispered Barbara. "Be quiet and listen. I have a plan to remove this bozo Speedy. And I need your help!"
Marina was intrigued. "Hmmm, what do you want me to do?"
"Here is my plan. We sneak up behind Speedy and we..........."
throw him into ze rink where ze synchro practiza. Brian Joubizo leefta heem eena Detroitera anna speena heema outta heez meezery!"
Adrenaline kicked in and Marina and Babs quickly ambushed Speedy and flung him over the boards as Joubert was preparing to catch Fumie Suguri in synch as Chin and Chen pirouetted around him.
BAM! Patrick barrelled in and body-slammed Joubert (it being very difficult for snoopysnake to keep typing Brian without a last name meaning anyone but Boitano) launching him into the air, where he luckily was caught by Yuzuru Hanyu and Yuna Kim.
"Thank you yu yu yuyuyuyuyuyuyu," gasped a stunned Joubert.
Meanwhile, Patrick, who had already allowed Speedy to crash into the ice and slide helplessly into the boards, breaking off the six-inch heel of his left shoe, grabbed him mercilessly by both elbows and dragged him to center ice. Adrenaline kicked in again. (Those Tim Horton's coffees have magical secret powers!) Before Speedy could bleat "Negative GOE," Patrick has hoisted him over his head and Detroitered him until his eyes were turned inside out. Just as well, because he this spared him from seeing.....
None other than Frank Carrol himself. "Wow!" exclaimed Frank. "Patrick, you are very, very strong for a boy of your stature, I am very impressed. Carlemango says you skate like an ice dancer, but have you ever given consideration to pairs skating?" Patrick looked up, embarrassed that Frank had witnessed his hulk-like moment of rage, and stuttered, "Thanks...I um, well, I mean, of course I am strong, I'm good at everything after all...but as for pairs, I guess I would need a very short partner. But let's be honest here, you just want me to switch disciplines so you can coach another skater to Olympic gold, and for as long as I'm around, in the men's discipline, that won't happen."
Frank turned red, perturbed and taken aback by Patrick's words. Now he understood why many people had complaints about this young man. Just as he was about to respond to Patrick, Johnny Weir made a dramatic entrance onto the ice and worked his way toward Frank. "Patrick is right you know, Frank." He said. "And I'm not just saying that because you coached my biggest rival to an Olympic Gold using hair gel, tanning beds, overused music, and arm flailing to distract the judges from his lack of a quad and a triple axel that is truly a triple salchow...I know what you are up to, it's quite obvious. I met your new charges in the coffee shop. You are starting up a synchro team, one where girls must be pretty, long-legged, and blonde to join, and they will do 3lz-3t in synchronicity to distract the judges from the fact that they have no experience skating synchro. What are you going to call this team anyways, the Rockettes on Ice? Good luck with that one. Also I think one of the stars of your little scheme is planning to leave you to skate pairs with Brian Joubert...Yeah, good luck convincing her out of that one..." and with that, Johnny twirled away with his nose in the air. "That ought to put Frank Carrol in his place!" he thought.
Just then, some high-pitched screams emerged from the far end of the rink. Mama Joubert, Mae Berenice Meite, and Anna Pogorilaya were having a cat fight, arguing over who was going to skate pairs with the amazing Brian Joubert. Much to the onlookers' surprise, Anna and Maman were holding their own against the ripped Meite, and in a heated rage, Anna began to resemble a vampire even more, with blood dripping down one side of her mouth where Maman had punched her, and her troubled yet diva-esque facial expression putting Kristen Stewart's to shame. Maman had become beet-red in the face, flustered by the feistiness of the two skaters, while Mae had preceded to break out some kung-fu moves on the ice.
The ladies were so caught up in their own little argument that they didn't notice everyone in the rink was staring at them in awe until..
Suzanne Bonaly came riding in on her broomstick over the ice.
She laughed wildly as Morozov entered with his new inamorata, MICHELLE KWAN. "NO!!!!" shrieked the entire rink, "you're my role model!!" "No more nice girl for me" replied Michelle airily, "and by the way, I'm not your Kween anymore!" she called out as she sped away in her souped-up Ferrari with Morozov hanging on for dear life. Frank Carroll chuckled maliciously. Mama Joubert turned and said to Marina Zoueva...
Last edited by aliceanne; 03-30-2013 at 06:04 PM.
..."Was that Suzanne Bonaly??? If so, you MUST help me!!! She will destroy my little Baboo!!!"
Marina flashed Maman Joubert an are-you-crazy look. "Why would she do that? Surya and your Brian never competed against each other and never will."
"It has nothing to do with Surya," said Maman Joubert, making frantic gestures. "This is about the *other* child of the house of Bonaly."
"Other child?" Marina wondered if she had heard right or if this was the result of a bizarre language barrier.
"Oui," said Maman Joubert. "Suzanne Bonaly is the real mother of Patrick Chan!!!"
- Rep Power
Around this time the hot coffee in Detroit got to be too much for Patrick. The Canadian Fed efficiently squelched the rumor about his birth certificate --whoops, make that his parentage. Patrick proposed to Tess -- and it was a complex proposal indeed: marriage... dropping her mom as coach... and moving far from either Canada or Detroit in order to focus totally on preparing himself for the hunger games in Sochi. Tess said Yes! So the young couple packed their bags and moved to...... where the three-time World Champ would work with...
"Oh, good lord, woman! You are totally nuts!" scoffed Marina. Everyone knew Maman Joubert was bonkers. It was a wonder that Brian hadn't arranged to have her run over by a Zamboni long before this.
"You doubt my word?" pouted Maman. "I have zee proofs!"
"Da, da," said Marina. "Now go away, I must find Speedy and see what that Italian skatina is up to!"
"You must listen!" insisted Maman.
"You must go away, this instant!" said Marina.
"Mais oui! I will call the men in the white coats to come and take you away!"
"Jamais!" said Maman. "I call Brian and he will make you listen. BRIAN! Come to maman, ma petite Joubidoo!"
Marina got busy on her cellphone, just as Brian came trotting over. Thankfully he had removed the tights and tutu, but he looked puzzled as he tried to assess the situation.
"Maman, c'est que-sais? Marina, what have you done to maman, she looks all hot and bothered!"
"Your mother has gone off the deep edge!" declared Marina.
Just then two EMS technicians burst into the rink, looking around for someone who looked crazy.
"Over here!" shouted Marina. "This woman! Get her and take her away!"
"Non!" shouted Brian, as he tried to block the shot. But it was too late. Maman was taken down by a tranquilizer dart and hauled away on a stretcher.
"Excellent!" purred Marina, then turned to look at Brian. "Forget about your maman. She will go to psychic hospital and stop bothering everyone. Now, come help me find Speedy!"
Brian hesitated, then said............
So the young couple packed their bags and moved to Chemnitz, Germany where the three-time World Champ would work with Frau Jutta Mueller, former coach of Katarina Witt.