Wedding/showers..advice, ettiquette, and general bitching!

[smileyskate]

I was in a similar situation last year. I was invited to a wedding but not the reception. The invitation said nothing about this, it came with directions on how to get to the reception hall and information as to where the couple was registered. When we got to the hall, I was informed that I was not "on the list" but was directed as to where I could leave my gift. Of the 300 people invited to the wedding, only about 150 were "on the list" for the reception. Needless to say, I left and my gift left with me.

Then, a couple months ago, I got invited to a bridal shower for a girl I work with. I was kind of shocked because I don't really know her that well. The shower was being held at a country club and the invitation included information as to where I could send my payment! Yup, in order to attend the shower of someone I barely know, it would cost me 50 bucks, plus a gift!

Reading about this stuff is sickening, especially when the invite even had directions to the reception AND where they were registered (which Miss Manners is against providing unless asked where to buy gifts). I think maybe some people need to be given a link to Miss Manners so they stop this selfish behavior.
On not inviting the +1 unless basically married, I think that depends on the venue/other guests. I mean, can you imagine if you are the type who wants a date (or friend) with you so that you can have a nice time since most around you are in couples? I have gone along just as a friend to receptions several times years ago and it was kind of fun. Again, depends on the situation, but if you are throwing that big of a party are you really saving that much by not inviting a few +1's and also it may lessen the fun of the intended guest.
That fact that all of this is still going on in this era as people have posted about how many of us have had our own households prior to marrying and the 60+% divorce rate is crazy. I like the idea someone posted about a party after you have achieved so many years together.
Sorry for those of you left out or not invited to the wedding after participating in the gift/$ grab.

[maatTheViking]

I think part of this is very interesting, culturally. When we had our wedding in Denmark (2000), it didn't even occur to me that people could or would bring +1 that we didn't know - I think all our invitations were directly addressed to the couple (even unmarried, dating ones), and/or whole families. I think maybe because weddings are smaller, you usually don't see the 'wedding dates'. We had 65 people invited, and we felt that was a lot of people.
The biggest wedding I know of, was a school friend who had 100 people. She invited me to her 'polter abend' (girls night out), but not wedding, apologizing saying that they couldn't fit more people in than a couple of very close friends, since the 100 people were family - both her and the groom had an unusual big family. I was fine with that, since it was an un-front, honest thing.

In general I feel that US weddings seem much bigger, elaborate affairs - from the colour coordination to the +1, to the wedding planner thing. Down payment for dresses?? wow, that is crazy! (of course, my mom making mine set me back ca. $350 in silk brocade and heavy thai silk - I guess materials are expensive).

Anita, your dress looks amazing, what a great fit for your body type! Good luck at your wedding!

[rjblue]

But these were also the days when people got married younger, and went directly from their parents' homes to living on their own for the first time. Families, friends and community came together to help the young couple set up home and start their adult life on the right foot. Nowadays - at least in my experience - couples almost always live together or on their own first, are older and have more income, may have been married before and/or already have children. They don't need the cash or household items, and if they do, then they either scale down the wedding dramatically, post pone getting married, or just don't at all. In recent years, I've found that pre-wedding events are more about celebrating the bride and/or groom, and getting to know families and wedding parties in advance of the wedding.

When people talk about manners and rudeness re wedding etiquette, it makes me sad that there is supposed to be one "correct" way to have a couple get married/have gifts.

It still is the case is the Maritime provinces (unless the bride is reading too many how-to's) that showers are for the people who AREN'T attending your wedding. It would be rude to expect people to have to buy multiple gifts. Close and nearby relatives will still go to the shower, but mainly it is your friends, aquaintances, their mothers, your remote cousins, etc. They are almost always "Ladies Please Bring Refreshments", and announced through local community signs, and through the hostess calling people and telling them where and when (now Facebook events too). Appropriate shower gifts are sets of tea towels, water glasses, pillowcases, kitchen hand tools- inexpensive items.

I've never been to a shower with the wedding guests specifically invited- it'd be really tacky here.

This custom is dying out a bit, because so many couples have lived together for years, that it would be silly to give them a shower.

[Jenny]

It still is the case is the Maritime provinces (unless the bride is reading too many how-to's) that showers are for the people who AREN'T attending your wedding. It would be rude to expect people to have to buy multiple gifts. Close and nearby relatives will still go to the shower, but mainly it is your friends, aquaintances, their mothers, your remote cousins, etc. They are almost always "Ladies Please Bring Refreshments", and announced through local community signs, and through the hostess calling people and telling them where and when (now Facebook events too). Appropriate shower gifts are sets of tea towels, water glasses, pillowcases, kitchen hand tools- inexpensive items.

A few years back a former coworker who had become a good friend was getting married. Another woman and I wanted to throw a shower and invite the old crowd who all used to work together. Well the bride absolutely flipped out. According to her, no one should ever be invited to a shower who was not also invited to the wedding. We tried to persuade her that it would be a fun, casual night, not a stuffy shower, really an excuse for the old crowd to get together, they would all love to congratulate her and fully understood they would not be invited to the wedding. Absolutely not, she said.

In the end, we were invited to a pre-wedding party hosted by the maid of honour - virtually everyone who was going to be at the wedding was there. It was actually a nice opportunity to meet the families and some of her school friends etc in advance of the wedding, so we knew who was who and already knew some people before the reception. And, we were told not to bring gifts.

I guess everyone has ideas of what's right and wrong, and more importantly probably, what they want. Weddings are a funny thing - lots of girls grow up dreaming of their fantasy wedding, as do mothers for their daughters and sons, grandparents for their grandchildren. Trying to accommodate everyone's notions of what's right and wrong, and take into account their elaborate fantasies, is where the stress comes in I think.

[julieann]

I got an invitation to a baby shower last year that only had one ticket inside and it was made clear (very nicely) if they didn't have a ticket there would be no admittance. I took it to mean you need a ticket to get in, not that it would 'univite' some people-but it did the trick.

[Skittl1321]

A few years back a former coworker who had become a good friend was getting married. Another woman and I wanted to throw a shower and invite the old crowd who all used to work together. Well the bride absolutely flipped out. According to her, no one should ever be invited to a shower who was not also invited to the wedding. We tried to persuade her that it would be a fun, casual night, not a stuffy shower, really an excuse for the old crowd to get together, they would all love to congratulate her and fully understood they would not be invited to the wedding. Absolutely not, she said.

I wouldn't let my Girl Scout troop throw me a shower for this reason, most of them didn't end up get invited to the wedding. Finally, I compromised, and we just all went out to dinner- no gifts!


I had a friend who only invited about half of the ceremony guests to the reception. But the other guests were not given ANY information about the reception, and they did do cake and punch at the back of the church (so most guests not invited to the 'real' reception probably thought that was the reception). Before weddings became big business, cake and punch on the way out was common in Texas. I haven't seen in in my generation except in cases like this though. Still, I felt like it was a little sad- these people were important enough to you to want them at the wedding, but not the reception? I know receptions are very expensive, but I hated that she basically had 'tiers' of guests.

[maatTheViking]

My horse trainer LOVES showers. She tries to be the ones to throw baby & wedding showers for when the ladies at her barn needs one.
Now that I am having my second baby, her first statement upon hearing it was 'oh, we need to have another baby shower - it will be so much fun!!'. I told her that I didn't need anything! Now that I know the sex is the same as my first, she finally relented that 'we will do a pre-baby ladies lunch for you, then. I promise it will not be a shower'.

I think personally second baby showers are a bit tacky, I am so relieved I talked her out of it

[Jenny]

While I agree that the cash grabs and making people feel like they have no choice but to invest a small fortune in gifts, tickets and draws at various events are not good things, I do think there's a reverse side to this too. Many people genuinely want to show their happiness for the bride and groom and join in the fun, and to shut them out seems a bit selfish. If there are people who really want to throw a shower, then why not? In the example I gave above, my friend and I actually felt quite slighted, and the people who we were going to invite were disappointed not to have an opportunity to congratulate the bride personally and be part of the fun.

And for babies especially - many women just love babies and any opportunity to buy baby things and sit around with other women talking about babies is something they look forward to. So even if it's for a second or third baby, if they want to do it, why not? Those who have a problem with don't need to participate.

[Smiley0884]

While I agree that the cash grabs and making people feel like they have no choice but to invest a small fortune in gifts, tickets and draws at various events are not good things, I do think there's a reverse side to this too. Many people genuinely want to show their happiness for the bride and groom and join in the fun, and to shut them out seems a bit selfish. If there are people who really want to throw a shower, then why not? In the example I gave above, my friend and I actually felt quite slighted, and the people who we were going to invite were disappointed not to have an opportunity to congratulate the bride personally and be part of the fun.

And for babies especially - many women just love babies and any opportunity to buy baby things and sit around with other women talking about babies is something they look forward to. So even if it's for a second or third baby, if they want to do it, why not? Those who have a problem with don't need to participate.

I definitely agree that it can be a nice gesture to throw someone a shower, or even a jack and jill. It's just when people become money grabby it starts to get offensive. Inviting people to the ceremony only, not indicating that on the invite and still expecting gifts, inviting your long lost bff from kindergarden to the jack and jill you're throwing yourself but not the wedding, ect. is just rude.

I agree that in some cases it can definitely not be money grabby at all. I had a friend who I worked with as part of a promotional/cheer squad for a major leauge sports team, and it was like a mini sorority. She joined the squad when she was already engaged and had her plans in motion, but we weren't slighted that she invited us to her bachelorette party and not her wedding because we still wanted to celebrate with her in some way. It didn't feel like she was inviting us to get some extra gifts, just to celebrate a fun night out.

I'm definitely not a miss manners freak, especially since times have changed and traditions vary by region and culture. But people still should have some general sense of tact...when people expect their friends to empty their pockets to essentially fund their lifestyle choices, that's when it becomes tacky. Single people who buy houses or go on vaction don't run around holding fundraisers to pay for them, so I don't see why it's acceptable for married people to do so.

[moojja]

And for babies especially - many women just love babies and any opportunity to buy baby things and sit around with other women talking about babies is something they look forward to. So even if it's for a second or third baby, if they want to do it, why not? Those who have a problem with don't need to participate.

Yes, but if the mother doesn't want a baby shower, then it doesn't matter if other women are happy to threw a baby shower for them.

[Debbie S]

I had a friend who only invited about half of the ceremony guests to the reception. But the other guests were not given ANY information about the reception, and they did do cake and punch at the back of the church (so most guests not invited to the 'real' reception probably thought that was the reception). Before weddings became big business, cake and punch on the way out was common in Texas. I haven't seen in in my generation except in cases like this though. Still, I felt like it was a little sad- these people were important enough to you to want them at the wedding, but not the reception? I know receptions are very expensive, but I hated that she basically had 'tiers' of guests.

I attended a wedding where the invitation invited you to a "wedding reception" and there was a separate small card enclosed inviting me to the ceremony. Kind of an odd reversal of what you usually hear about. But the wedding was at a hotel and the ceremony was in a small room (prob some type of exec meeting room) a couple floors up from the reception room and wouldn't have been able to hold everyone who was at the reception. The reception itself was a bit more informal that usual - no assigned seating, just buffet stations set up around the room and different-sized round and square tables for people to sit. There was a jazz band playing but not much room for dancing and most people didn't. I don't think the bride and groom danced. But it was a fun wedding, really.

[Jenny]

Yes, but if the mother doesn't want a baby shower, then it doesn't matter if other women are happy to threw a baby shower for them.

But why would they be against it?

[Anita18]

Anita, can't believe the wedding is coming up so soon! For those not following the "What Do I Wear" thread, we've been talking about it for a while. Are you getting excited, stressing about details, totally relaxed and in control? We will want many photos of the big day. So happy for you.

Hah, I'm actually more stressed about all the class projects I have to get done at about the same time! I'm still debating on whether that's a good thing, cause it takes me off the wedding stuff. I'm just waiting to hear back from vendors now, about the final preparations.

Anita, I can't believe you found that stunning dress for only $65!!!! What a steal You are such a beautiful bride! Please post a couple of pics of you on your big day!

I am actually going to show the website where you found your dress to my friend who is getting married. She actually ended up not being able to afford her dress, and the deadline to pay in full is today, so unfortunately she is out of her deposit. I personally wish she would wait a few years, but if she wants to get married now, that's what she's going to do, so I might as well try to help her save some $$.

I actually bought mine on ebay. But Preowned Wedding Dresses is a lot easier to shop, and more legit, I think. I was really just pricing how cheap I could go with the dress, since the general cost of weddings are . It just really did not make sense to me how women are expected to spend hundreds upon hundreds (or even thousands) on a dress that they'll only wear for like, 8 hours max.

It was a leap of faith, really, because the photos of the dress on the listing were TERRIBLE. I was actually the only bidder for it. And I contacted the seller a few times to make sure it would fit around the top. It's not perfect - there are a few splinter around the train and it's dirty around the hem and heavy scrubbing with Tide didn't take it out, but you probably won't be able to see them in photographs. I'll be having an outdoor ceremony anyway so it would get dirty again in no time!

Anita, your dress looks amazing, what a great fit for your body type! Good luck at your wedding!

Thank you.

[maatTheViking]

But why would they be against it?

Well, I'm opposed to having a shower for my second baby, as I think it is a bit tacky - and I have all the baby stuff I need!

there can be lots of reason you don't want a traditional shower - maybe you think the games are silly, maybe you fear you will end up like my friend who received sexy underwear from her MIL to hers (through mail - and my friend thought it was funny, but others might be mortified).

I think if you are throwing a party in honor of someone you should respect their wishes. They point is for them to have fun, right?

[ballettmaus]

They probably didn't put that info on the invitation because they figured you wouldn't bring a gift if you knew ahead of time. That is beyond obnoxious!

Well, yeah, I figured and I so agree with you. I'd even go as far as to say it's brazen and in an impertinent way.

[Habs]

Well, I'm opposed to having a shower for my second baby, as I think it is a bit tacky - and I have all the baby stuff I need!

there can be lots of reason you don't want a traditional shower - maybe you think the games are silly, maybe you fear you will end up like my friend who received sexy underwear from her MIL to hers (through mail - and my friend thought it was funny, but others might be mortified).

I think if you are throwing a party in honor of someone you should respect their wishes. They point is for them to have fun, right?

Agree, but that doesn't mean no party at all.
I'm anti-games at baby showers ( ) and my friends know this, so when Mini-Habs arrives soon, they've already planned an afternoon tea meet-and-greet with no games, gifts optional.

[Anita18]

People play games at showers?

I already dictated no games at the wedding reception, and I think my mom has been to too many big weddings already, because she was suggesting some really embarrassing ones where I'm sure Alf would just leave and not come back.

[skatesindreams]

That's a great idea. Habs.
I think those shower games are tacky, rather than fun.

[Skittl1321]

That's a great idea. Habs.
I think those shower games are tacky, rather than fun.

Does anyone think they are fun? I hate shower games, and quite honestly I avoid showers like the plague because of them. (The only remotely 'fun' game at my wedding shower was when I had to answer questions asked of my husband, and I got them all right- all the while his Mom was argueing with me that that wasn't his favorite, movie, book, whatever -6 or seven things and I was clearly wrong, and my bridesmaid being like "but that's what he wrote down")


Games at a wedding reception? That's new to me. We just had a ton of drinking, dancing, and eating. (I've been to a few with 'dollar dances', which I usually do to give them a buck, but am not a fan of at all.)

[Habs]

Does anyone think they are fun? I hate shower games, and quite honestly I avoid showers like the plague because of them.

One of the worst afternoons of my life was at a baby shower for a good friend who LOVES shower games. You name it, we had to play it. I couldn't wait to leave.

The only game we played at my wedding shower was an ice-breaker at the very beginning - say two truths and a lie about yourself and everyone had to guess which one was the lie. It was fun and got everyone talking with each other. Other than that, zero games, just the way I wanted it. Happy to say it's the same friends throwing the baby shower.