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  1. #181

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    We went to St. Croix in December for the destination wedding of a couple in their 50s, second marriage for both who is the president of our scuba diving club. About 20 people came, some divers, some nondivers, but a group who loved dive travel and could afford the trip without problem. Once back in the States, the bride and groom held a semi-formal reception with dinner for those who traveled and many other friends who couldn't come. A lovely way to have a second wedding.

    I had to laugh remembering my late mother and one particular wedding gift my husband and I received at our wedding almost 28 years ago. It was my "mother's wedding," we just let her run with the planning for the sake of our sanity. She had gone to the wedding of a woman whose family was from our church who married in her late 30s, and my mother loved her wedding reception, so my parents booked the same venue, had the same meal, etc., which was fine, nothing was really objectional about it, it was a nice reception. My mom gushed about this woman, she was "dream bride" in Mom's eyes for her "exquisite taste." Being older, (Mom had me at age 45), my parents loved old Eastern European traditions like the bridal dance, where everyone pays a few dollars to down a shot and dance with the bride. My mom ordered these ugly shot glasses with sort of Aztec looking striped tape on them, which the guests kept as souvenirs, because, of course, "dream bride" had them at her wedding. Okay, liveable, and my Dad's boss's wife turned it into a "groomal" dance also and it was fun.

    Now, dream bride showed up at our wedding in a perfect navy blue and white ensemble, including tasteful shoes and hat. When we opened the gifts after the honeymoon, my mother kept insisting we had to call her when we opened dream bride's gift, she was dying to know what it was. Well, guess what? The beeyotch gave us a cheap ceramic vase that matched the Aztec-striped shot glasses. The decorative tape on one side was even off kilter. When we opened the gifts, we were half loaded on wine, and we collapsed laughing when we saw this. We presume she probably used it at her own wedding, and dumped it on us in lieu of buying a gift. I would have loved to have seen the expression on my mother's face when we told her by phone. She just got very quiet. We used the vase once; it cracked when we poured water in it. Our standing joke was that we'd save it for our first really, really BIG fight to throw. Proud to say the ugly piece of crap is still in our basement, unharmed. And my mother pretty much ignored dream bride when she visited our hometown after that...
    "Once you've skated together long enough, and you're really good friends, you can close your eyes, put your hand out and she's right there." Joe Dolkiewicz, 2011 US Novice Pairs Bronze Medalist

  2. #182
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    Quote Originally Posted by JasperBoy View Post
    Really, folks, when you come right down to it, all that is needed for a wedding is a bride, a groom and an officiator. City Hall or equivalent is a suitable venue. The deed is done, legalities are met, and expenses are minimal.
    Anything else is just for show.
    Disagree. Many people want to share important moments with those that matter to them, and certainly many people, especially parents, want to be part of important occasions for those they love. Many also consider a wedding to be a cause of celebration, symbolizing many things.

    Sure, for some it's just a legal act, but I think for most, it's much more than that.

  3. #183

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    Quote Originally Posted by JasperBoy View Post
    Really, folks, when you come right down to it, all that is needed for a wedding is a bride, a groom and an officiator. City Hall or equivalent is a suitable venue. The deed is done, legalities are met, and expenses are minimal.
    Anything else is just for show.
    Disagree completely.

    The most important part of my wedding was having family and friends there to celebrate with us. Yes, technically Mr. Habs and I could have tied the knot at city hall by ourselves, saved a lot of money and been done with it, but what we wanted were people around us to share our day. To show our appreciation, we treated them to a lovely sit-down dinner and a fun party afterwards. Excessive? Not at all. We stuck to a budget, had a wonderful time and NONE of it was just for show.

    Some people go overboard, sure. But to suggest that anything at a wedding other than the couple and an officiant is just for show is unfair. YMMV.

  4. #184
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jenny View Post
    We've been married a long time and so we are often asked what's the "secret." One thing we have always said is TAKE THE HONEYMOON IMMEDIATELY. I think it's really important to take the opportunity for some couple time after all the family/friends/everyone but us time leading up to the wedding. Just going back to your everyday lives (especially for couples who already live together) isn't the same, and then taking a vacation later is just that - a vacation, not a honeymoon.

    If one can't afford the expenditure or time (aside from that I'd hold off on the wedding in that case), at least take a day or two somewhere special to start the marriage off on the right foot.
    I dont know that immediate Honeymoon translates to a long, happy marriage. I know plenty of people who went on Honeymoons right after the wedding, they are miserable or divorced. And I know people who waited, who are perfectly happy. In my daughter's situation, they can afford to go away. But, they both have school. They didn't want to wait another 2 years to finish (they are 28 & 30). They wanted a September wedding, the week after school begins. They will probably take 2 days and go somewhere, but the plan is to go to Europe when they are done with next spring's semester.

  5. #185
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    I'm in the middle of the final weeks of classes, not to mention work (with a very understanding boss) with 2.5 more weeks until the wedding, and I CANNOT imagine planning a honeymoon on top of it! It would break me.

    My aunt donated her numerous Marriott points for us to take a honeymoon at the end of the summer to Kauai. IIRC my best friend hasn't take a honeymoon yet, and they've been married a year.

    Alf did say we could do a short mini-honeymoon after my classes are done. We'll probably rent a small RV and go to Joshua Tree or something. It still wouldn't be an immediate trip, because I still have 2 weeks of classes after the wedding, but it's still sooner than August.
    Last edited by Anita18; 04-04-2013 at 07:55 PM.

  6. #186
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    Also, honestly the only reason why I DIDN'T elope (considering both Alf and I are introverted hermits and have never thrown a party before), was because I wanted to make stuff for it. It was the perfect excuse to make what I never would have otherwise! When would I be 100% in charge of fancy invitations or cake topper or table centerpieces?

    My mom agrees, she's enjoying the crafting much more than the seeing of family. Or rather, the organizing of seeing said family...

  7. #187
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    I think you've both missed my point about honeymoons, but whatever, to each his own.

  8. #188
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jenny View Post
    I think you've both missed my point about honeymoons, but whatever, to each his own.
    I think we're taking offense that you're saying we'll get divorced or at least be in an unhappy marriage if I don't unselfishly skip my last weeks of classes in probably my last semester ever, to take a vacation.

    I mean, we could have waited until next year to get married, but after I finish up these classes, we have no idea where we plan to be. The wedding coinciding with the beginning of the next stage of my life seemed to match.

  9. #189
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    You're taking offense at something I didn't say, and certainly didn't intend.

  10. #190
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    I don't see how going on a honeymoon immediately after the wedding has anything to do with the quality and duration of marriage.
    "Nature is a damp, inconvenient sort of place where birds and animals wander about uncooked."

    from Speedy Death

  11. #191

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    Quote Originally Posted by IceAlisa View Post
    I don't see how going on a honeymoon immediately after the wedding has anything to do with the quality and duration of marriage.
    ITA, I'm sure it has nothing to do with it either way. Just like celebrating or not celebrating Valentine's Day or wedding anniversaries is in no way related to the the happiness of a marriage. For some people that stuff is important. Just like for some a wedding with family and friends is important while others choose to go to City Hall.

    There really is no right or wrong way. Just different tastes and expectations. As long as both the groom and bride are happy, then all is well. Suggesting that a honeymoon right after the wedding somehow gives the marriage a better chance is, IMHO, just silly.
    A good rant is cathartic. Ranting is what keeps me sane. They always come from a different place. Take the prime minister, for example. Sometimes when I rant about him, I am angry; other times, I am just severely annoyed - it's an important distinction. - Rick Mercer

  12. #192
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anita18 View Post
    I'm in the middle of the final weeks of classes, not to mention work (with a very understanding boss) with 2.5 more weeks until the wedding, and I CANNOT imagine planning a honeymoon on top of it! It would break me.

    My aunt donated her numerous Marriott points for us to take a honeymoon at the end of the summer to Kauai. IIRC my best friend hasn't take a honeymoon yet, and they've been married a year.
    When my best friend got married, I gave them a ride home from the reception at midnight. They had a 7am flight the next morning to take a cruise and hadn't even packed yet! I vowed then and there not to do that.....

    We got married last fall and took the honeymoon 6 weeks after the wedding. We were using frequent flyer miles for our tickets so had to be flexible on dates anyway, but it worked out really well. Out honeymoon was a 3 week trip to SE Asia, and although I definitely did a lot of research and planning before the wedding (mainly because I love planning travel) once crunch time hit I could drop it and focus on wedding details. Like you I don't know how I would have managed with everything else! Our families were also out of town and we did most of the wedding planning ourselves. I was a bit stressed.

    Hang in there! And Kauai sounds awesome!
    Last edited by elka_sk8; 04-04-2013 at 09:38 PM.

  13. #193
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    Oh for heaven's sake. Try to offer some positive encouraging advice, and all you get are people taking the point far too literally or getting defensive about it. Sheesh.

    It's not the honeymoon per se, or Valentine's or anniversaries in and of themselves. It's the choice you make to commit to another person and to the relationship between each other; to say "this matters" to me and to us; and to prioritize that person and the relationship, along with and among your other priorities.

    And of course there are other ways of expressing that commitment to the relationship and expressing it and love for one another. I just think that if you are new to it all, that choosing to take time that's just about your relationship - not families and friends and school and work and everything else - is a very good way to start what will hopefully be a long and happy marriage in which you will not only celebrate all those other occasions, but every single day of your life together.

  14. #194
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zemgirl View Post
    I don't get the destination wedding thing at all. Why make it difficult and expensive for your friends and family to attend? Is this a bridezilla thing or some cultural thing I'm not getting?
    At least destination weddings tend to drop most of the religious pretense. I've always thought it was weird when a couple would get married in their hometown, but at a religious facility to which they had no connection. Most of these couples had to call around to get a facility that would host them, and eventually used a relative's church, synagogue or whatever. Then the couple never attends that facility ever again. If it was so important to have a religious wedding, maybe they should have joined that religion?

  15. #195

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    Just for the record, I totally agree about marriages being wonderful family occasions. People have a chance to get together under happy circumstances, and the generations party together. Better than meeting only at funerals, IMHO.

    What bothers me is people (no one here) who say they can't afford to get married. Or who think that a wedding has to be an extravagant affair with hundreds of unknown guests. No, it really just needs three people, and maybe a couple of witnesses.

    BTW I was married 48 years ago with about fifty close friends and family in attendance. I am currently planning a 70th birthday party and family reunion which will include as many as those same people as possible, plus others. Another good reason to celebrate.

  16. #196
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    Quote Originally Posted by elka_sk8 View Post
    When my best friend got married, I gave them a ride home from the reception at midnight. They had a 7am flight the next morning to take a cruise and hasn't even packed yet! I vowed then and there not to do that.....
    We left for our honeymoon the day after our wedding- at 2 in the morning (our reception went until about 1:30), my new in-laws were in our room getting my dress and my husband's uniform to take home with them. We woke up at 8ish, ate breakfast with the family that happened to be down at the hotel lobby and were off.

    My only regret was that a) we missed the big brunch with the family (and getting to eat the leftover wedding cake- our cake was SO good. I keep wanting to go to the bakery just to get a slice or a mini cake, but it's way too expensive) and b) it turned out to be the day the national championship football game was played and DH's team was in it. He got to watch like 15 minutes of it between one of our flights and just heard snippets of people talking about who won after another, a major bummer.

    We packed weeks before the wedding though!

    I also think we probably set a record for time spent apart on our honeymoon- we went skiing and he's a great skier and I'm a mediocre one, so we only skied together a run or two a day, then he'd meet me for lunch. So my secret to a happy marriage is to be yourself and not try to be something else. We are pretty independent, and even our honeymoon started that way. It's been 9 years and things still seem to be good though.


    My Mom planned 90% of my wedding. Not necessarily what I would have chosen on all accounts, but I loved the 'just show up and get married' aspect of it. The ceremony and reception wasn't the important part to me, the family was.


    heckles I was adamant about getting married in the church I grew up in. My parents recommended another that would be prettier for pictures, but it wasn't what I wanted. What is funny is I don't really attend church, and they go 'religiously'. But for me, I wanted to get married in the same place I got my first communion and baptism, for my Dad, a Catholic church is a Catholic church. My sister had to church shop because she needed to find a priest that would allow her father-in-law to co-officiate, they ended up finding a priest who said he only needed to say like one part of the ceremony for it to be official, so they got married there.

  17. #197

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jenny View Post

    It's not the honeymoon per se, or Valentine's or anniversaries in and of themselves. It's the choice you make to commit to another person and to the relationship between each other; to say "this matters" to me and to us; and to prioritize that person and the relationship, along with and among your other priorities.

    And of course there are other ways of expressing that commitment to the relationship and expressing it and love for one another. I just think that if you are new to it all, that choosing to take time that's just about your relationship - not families and friends and school and work and everything else - is a very good way to start what will hopefully be a long and happy marriage in which you will not only celebrate all those other occasions, but every single day of your life together.
    Absolutely. Well said.

  18. #198
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    Quote Originally Posted by IceAlisa View Post
    I don't see how going on a honeymoon immediately after the wedding has anything to do with the quality and duration of marriage.
    Quote Originally Posted by mag View Post
    ITA, I'm sure it has nothing to do with it either way. Just like celebrating or not celebrating Valentine's Day or wedding anniversaries is in no way related to the the happiness of a marriage. For some people that stuff is important. Just like for some a wedding with family and friends is important while others choose to go to City Hall.

    There really is no right or wrong way. Just different tastes and expectations. As long as both the groom and bride are happy, then all is well. Suggesting that a honeymoon right after the wedding somehow gives the marriage a better chance is, IMHO, just silly.
    ITA - the honeymoon itself, leaving for a vacation after the wedding does not indicate a success or failure of a marriage.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jenny View Post
    It's not the honeymoon per se, or Valentine's or anniversaries in and of themselves. It's the choice you make to commit to another person and to the relationship between each other; to say "this matters" to me and to us; and to prioritize that person and the relationship, along with and among your other priorities.

    And of course there are other ways of expressing that commitment to the relationship and expressing it and love for one another. I just think that if you are new to it all, that choosing to take time that's just about your relationship - not families and friends and school and work and everything else - is a very good way to start what will hopefully be a long and happy marriage in which you will not only celebrate all those other occasions, but every single day of your life together.
    Jenny - the way that you described it in this last post (emphasis is mine), I can understand what you mean. I do think that you can do this without the dream honeymoon or leaving the area or being totally out of contact with the world. There could be situations where the disconnect from the world allows for the minor things that may or may not have happened during the ceremony/reception/other family celebrations to blow up into big things because you have no other perspective to help you.

    In the end, a marriage is more than the wedding, reception, showers, gifts and honeymoon. My mom and dad have been married for 61 years. Their wedding was small (about 25 or so in attendance), their honeymoon was a one day stay at a local hotel because both had to be at work on Monday morning. My niece had a wedding that included 7 attendants, a reception that had 200+ family members and friends, they left for a honeymoon in Jamaica the next morning for a 10 day stay. That marriage ended 3 years later with a mountain of debt. Difference? my parents committed to each other despite the lack of a real honeymoon. my niece and her husband did not commit to each other even with the 10 day get away.

    regarding destination weddings - 3 of my nieces have had destination weddings, 2 of my nieces had weddings that I have had to travel 3 or more hours for, 1 niece and 1 nephew had weddings that were planned in 2 weeks because of deployment of the grooms and then had wedding renewal ceremonies upon their return to the states, in the end it was what they wanted. 3 destination weddings had a reception upon their return. They could afford to do the weddings and had no expectations that others attend.
    Last edited by numbers123; 04-04-2013 at 10:00 PM.

  19. #199

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    Quote Originally Posted by IceAlisa View Post
    I don't see how going on a honeymoon immediately after the wedding has anything to do with the quality and duration of marriage.
    We waited about a year to go on a major trip - it didn't feel like a honeymoon in any way. We both went to work the day after our wedding. So I feel like we never had a honeymoon. None of our trips together have ever had the type of romance that I imagine a honeymoon has. Obviously it hasn't affected our actual marriage but it is something that is missing & will always be missing. Not a major big deal in the scheme of things but a trip right then was doable & we put it off, which I regret.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jenny View Post
    Oh for heaven's sake. Try to offer some positive encouraging advice, and all you get are people taking the point far too literally or getting defensive about it. Sheesh.
    Your original post came across rather negative. I had mentioned that my daughter and her fiancee were waiting to take their honeymoon. You said this:
    We've been married a long time and so we are often asked what's the "secret." One thing we have always said is TAKE THE HONEYMOON IMMEDIATELY.
    That would certainly imply that people who don't take a honeymoon right after their wedding are not headed for a happy marriage. You may not have meant that, but that is how it came across. Not going on a honeymoon immediately after the wedding hardly means that the relationship doesn't matter. I simply means that the two people, who make up the couple, have decided that it will work better for their needs to wait. That is respecting each other.

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