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  1. #81
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    Quote Originally Posted by DAngel View Post
    What do people usually get for weddings gifts? In my culture, you are pretty much expected to give money.
    Same here. If all the guests are from the same culture, it's not an issue, but but what's a polite way of telling people to give money instead of a gift if they're from a different culture?

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    Quote Originally Posted by moojja View Post
    Same here. If all the guests are from the same culture, it's not an issue, but but what's a polite way of telling people to give money instead of a gift if they're from a different culture?
    On our wedding website, we directed people to the Wikipedia entry for "red envelope." I'm Chinese so it actually works out! Of course my relatives are already aware, and nobody on Alf's side has given us grief about it, so I think it's okay.

    I did have a friend at my bachelorette party yesterday ask me where I was registered. I assured her we didn't want any stuff! We live in a studio apartment and will probably stick to small living spaces. They're more affordable!

    She also noted that this is probably how I've stayed so calm and sane. I just forego all the "traditions" I don't want to do. No fighting about the registry, no fighting about the seating chart, no stressing out about flowers....Bliss!

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    Quote Originally Posted by cruisin View Post
    It is tradition in my culture to give a gift at the shower and money for the wedding (even friends).
    My niece had a page where she asked - discreetly, if there is such a thing, for contributions to their Paris/Amsterdam/Iceland honeymoon.
    They will be guests at the May wedding (Paris) of the couple who helped coordinate their hotel/rehearsal dinner arrangements.
    Apparently, most of their guests chose to do so.

    This was new to me.
    I felt more comfortable contributing toward the cost of her dress; so I did that, instead.

  4. #84
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    Quote Originally Posted by moojja View Post
    Same here. If all the guests are from the same culture, it's not an issue, but but what's a polite way of telling people to give money instead of a gift if they're from a different culture?
    It used to be, that you would never tell a guest to give money. However, it has become popular (recently) to ask guests to contribute to something like a honeymoon or a house. I don't love the idea, but it seems to be acceptable.

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    Quote Originally Posted by skatesindreams View Post
    My niece had a page where she asked - discreetly, if there is such a thing, for contributions to their Paris/Amsterdam/Iceland honeymoon.
    They will be guests at the May wedding (Paris) of the couple who helped coordinate their hotel/rehearsal dinner arrangements.
    Apparently, most of their guests chose to do so.

    This was new to me.
    I felt more comfortable contributing toward the cost of her dress; so I did that, instead.
    I had friends who asked for contributions for their honeymoon, but instead of asking for money they used some service where you could put in your itinerary and they guests would pick from a list of things such as hotel nights and romantic dinners. That way it felt like you brought an 'item' rather than giving money, we gave them 2 nights in Florence specifically because I love Florence (they were touring Italy).
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  6. #86
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    Quote Originally Posted by moojja View Post
    Same here. If all the guests are from the same culture, it's not an issue, but but what's a polite way of telling people to give money instead of a gift if they're from a different culture?
    I just accepted whatever the guests felt comfortable giving. For example, I had guests at my wedding that were Nisga'a (which is a small First Nations group). As part of their culture guests contribute to the wedding or reception in some way. Things like the dishes the wedding party uses, dress, suits, photography, cake, etc... are all gifts from the guests. At the reception, they gave my dad an envelope of money to contribute to the costs of the wedding. Not what I would have done or expected, but my dad just let me know so I could write the appropriate thank you.
    "Beautiful things don't ask for attention." -The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

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    Quote Originally Posted by cruisin View Post
    It used to be, that you would never tell a guest to give money. However, it has become popular (recently) to ask guests to contribute to something like a honeymoon or a house. I don't love the idea, but it seems to be acceptable.
    Other than in cultures where a money gift is the usual thing, I think it's a bad idea to hint to people like me (i.e. older people) that you want money. I find it offensive & it makes me want to not give them anything. Parents of the bride & groom are going to invite their own friends - these are people who usually are in a place in their lives where money isn't much of an issue. So you can expect a pretty nice gift. My usual gift used to be a piece of Waterford but now with registries I just get something off the list. The only time I give money is if it's an out-of-town wedding that I'm not going to, & then only if it's my idea & not requested (demanded).

    I have heard brides gripe about the value of their gifts, as though the value should be at least equal to or exceeding the cost per guest. I think people forget that weddings are a party & a rite celebrating a marriage, not a gift grab. You wouldn't give a regular party & expect your guests to compensate you for your hospitality. It's supposed to be just what the invitation says: the pleasure of your company.

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    Quote Originally Posted by taf2002 View Post
    My usual gift used to be a piece of Waterford but now with registries I just get something off the list.
    So there was a time without registries where the bride and groom might be stuck with 3 sets of China?

    Quote Originally Posted by taf2002 View Post
    I have heard brides gripe about the value of their gifts, as though the value should be at least equal to or exceeding the cost per guest.
    I think there are some customs that expect that... I think in Japan the expected monetary gifts are from $200 and up, depending on the location of the wedding, how close you are to the couple etc etc...


    Anita, I think what you did with the wedding website is a very nice idea

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    Waterford is not a set of China. It is cut leaded glass. And haven't you ever heard of returning duplicates? BTW, registries don't eliminate the problem of duplicates. Some people aren't savvy enough to have the clerk take their choice off the registry.

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    Yeah, I know people who have gotten duplicates from a registry, so it's definitely not a guarantee that you won't get any.

    Anita, I know tons of people who are already living together, so they forgo the registry too. I tend to give money, just because most of the weddings I've been to don't have a registry.

    Awkward situation...my friend has been hosting lots of "ladies night" bonding type of events so all of her female friends could get to know each other before the wedding....I got to know one of her friends pretty well, and she had recently sent me a facebook message saying that she was super bummed out that she had been UNINVITED to the wedding !!

    Apparently, a few distant family memebers had originally RSVPed "no" so the bride used her "no's" to invite some extra friends. Well....one of those family members changed their RSVP to a "yes", so she decided to uninvite one of the "extra" friends.
    Is that something that is considered ok? Am I out of line to think my friend is being super tacky and rude?? Honestly, I would just suck it up and pay for the extra person to come, and if that wasn't possible, I would inform my distant family memeber, that unfortunately, their last minute change of plans could not be accomodated. I wouldn't dis-invite a guest a WEEK before the wedding!

  11. #91
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    Quote Originally Posted by maatTheViking View Post
    I had friends who asked for contributions for their honeymoon, but instead of asking for money they used some service where you could put in your itinerary and they guests would pick from a list of things such as hotel nights and romantic dinners. That way it felt like you brought an 'item' rather than giving money, we gave them 2 nights in Florence specifically because I love Florence (they were touring Italy).
    Yes, I've heard of that. I do like that better than just asking for cash. Though, as I already said, Italians give money at weddings. It's cultural - the "boosta bag" ! And, again, it is customary to "cover your plate". But that is just a guesstimate, hopefully no one would actually tell guests what they are paying per person.

    Quote Originally Posted by DAngel View Post
    So there was a time without registries where the bride and groom might be stuck with 3 sets of China?
    I am sure that at one time there were no registries. But, I am married 31 years and there were registries when I got married. They just were not on store computers or on line (obviously ). So, you almost had to go to the store they were registered at. Not just Macy's, but the Macy's they went to. Now all of that is shared. And there are web sites that have all of the couples choices at all of the registry stores combined into one list.

  12. #92
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    Quote Originally Posted by Smiley0884 View Post

    Awkward situation...my friend has been hosting lots of "ladies night" bonding type of events so all of her female friends could get to know each other before the wedding....I got to know one of her friends pretty well, and she had recently sent me a facebook message saying that she was super bummed out that she had been UNINVITED to the wedding !!

    Apparently, a few distant family memebers had originally RSVPed "no" so the bride used her "no's" to invite some extra friends. Well....one of those family members changed their RSVP to a "yes", so she decided to uninvite one of the "extra" friends.
    Is that something that is considered ok? Am I out of line to think my friend is being super tacky and rude?? Honestly, I would just suck it up and pay for the extra person to come, and if that wasn't possible, I would inform my distant family memeber, that unfortunately, their last minute change of plans could not be accomodated. I wouldn't dis-invite a guest a WEEK before the wedding!
    That is beyond rude and tacky! It is one thing not to be invited, people understand budgets. But to be uninvited because someone else changed their mind - wrong, wrong, wrong! You either explain to the first invite that there is no longer room, or you suck it up and have both. They chose to invite the second choice, they should honor that.

  13. #93
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    Most caterers have a few extra meals ready just in case - they should have accommodated both guests. Honestly if I got uninvited to a wedding like that, it would be a relationship dealbreaker for me.

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    My favorite "general purpose" wedding gift is a set of crystal candlesticks.
    Brides and Grooms alike seem to appreciate it; yet, it's something they don't think about.

    I can tailor the choice to suit how much I'd like to spend.

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    Quote Originally Posted by skatesindreams View Post
    My favorite "general purpose" wedding gift is a set of crystal candlesticks.
    Brides and Grooms alike seem to appreciate it; yet, it's something they don't think about.

    I can tailor the choice to suit how much I'd like to spend.
    Sorry if this comes off as rude, but to me this is one of those gifts that is graciously accepted, but not necessarily 'appreciated' (other than that the giver gave a gift at all, which to me is always appreciated). At least, if someone gave me crystal candlesticks I'd sure wonder why they did. (I got a lovely Waterford candy bowl decorated in a Christmas theme at my wedding. After 6 years of it being in the storage closet I gave it to my Mom who uses that sort of thing.)

    Of course, you know the people you give gifts to, so I'm assuming you wouldn't give it to someone who lives a casual lifestyle and didn't register for anything similar. My sister registered for tons of China, formal silver, crystal goblets- formal dining, I didn't register for any of the traditional things like that.


    I feel ackward giving people my age money, but it is a gift that you really can't go wrong with (unless of course it is a culture that doesn't do such a thing. Does that exist? To me, it is rude to ask for money, but perfectly okay to accept it.)

  16. #96

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    ^^^
    Sorry, if I offended you!
    To each their own.

    Even people who have "casual lifestyles" can enjoy a little "romance/glamour" now and then.

  17. #97

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    Quote Originally Posted by cruisin View Post



    I am sure that at one time there were no registries. But, I am married 31 years and there were registries when I got married. They just were not on store computers or on line (obviously ). So, you almost had to go to the store they were registered at. Not just Macy's, but the Macy's they went to. Now all of that is shared. And there are web sites that have all of the couples choices at all of the registry stores combined into one list.
    Registries were not really common when I got married in Denmark 13 years ago. We included a note with the invitation saying that my mom were gift coordinator or some such thing - basically people would call her and tell what was picked. We got a few more dinner plates than we wanted, but nothing really duplicated, so it worked.

    Quote Originally Posted by Smiley0884 View Post

    Awkward situation...my friend has been hosting lots of "ladies night" bonding type of events so all of her female friends could get to know each other before the wedding....I got to know one of her friends pretty well, and she had recently sent me a facebook message saying that she was super bummed out that she had been UNINVITED to the wedding !!

    Apparently, a few distant family memebers had originally RSVPed "no" so the bride used her "no's" to invite some extra friends. Well....one of those family members changed their RSVP to a "yes", so she decided to uninvite one of the "extra" friends.
    Is that something that is considered ok? Am I out of line to think my friend is being super tacky and rude?? Honestly, I would just suck it up and pay for the extra person to come, and if that wasn't possible, I would inform my distant family memeber, that unfortunately, their last minute change of plans could not be accomodated. I wouldn't dis-invite a guest a WEEK before the wedding!
    That seems incredible rude. I would either have told the family members it was past the RSVP date, sorry, or accommodated an extra guest.
    I also think in general it would be strange to 'second class' invite...
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    We had a few "second class invites", though I prefer to think of it as second round, not second class. We had to cut a number of people on our first list because we wanted to keep the guest list below 200. When flights turned out more expensive for family members they decided to not bring their kids, so we had room available. People who weren't invited originally, but knew about the wedding were extended verbal invitations. ("hey, what are you doing New Years Eve? If you want to come to the wedding, you should!") Most accepted, a few attended the ceremony but went to pre-planned parties, a few skipped the ceremony and came just to the reception. I think in all it was about 10 people. I felt really bad about not inviting them in the first place, but there is only so much money... I did lose a friend permanently who wasn't invited to the wedding, she did not understand at all (and since I didn't see her in the days proceeding the wedding, she was not one who got a last minute invite, so that isn't waht offended her.) I've since not been invited to good friend's weddings, and I understand- you can't have everyone.

    One thing we thought was weird was a guest had a +1, who was also a friend of my husband's, but didn't get her own invitation. The day before the wedding, the +1 called to see if she could bring a date. We had space so we said yes, but I've never heard of a +1 taking a +1!



    skatesindreams-no no, you didn't offended me. That wasn't the point, in fact, I hope I didn't offend you. Rather that to me, that would have been one of those ??? presents I was talking about. You're right though- to each their own. To me, it's unwanted clutter, to you it's romance.

  19. #99
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    Quote Originally Posted by maatTheViking View Post
    I also think in general it would be strange to 'second class' invite...
    I imagine it happens but the 'second class' people shouldn't know that

  20. #100
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    In my 20s, second tier invites were common. Weddings for people getting married that young were usually paid for by parents, so everyone understood that there was a budget and that family came first. Plus, people that age often have a lot of friends from high school and college, and it was usually understood that only the closest friends rather than the wider group would be on the main list. If spots opened up, those additional friends were happy to be able to come.

    One couple I know dealt with this challenge by suggesting that some of their single friends bring some of the wider group as dates, and it worked out quite nicely.

    And I admit we do this today when we throw parties - we confirm that a date is going to work with our closest friends before we send out emails to a broader group of friends and then depending on who is coming, we might also then invite a few additional people as well.

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