How would you resolve this conflict?

[taf2002]

What if the friend had been doing his wash & decided to toss in the stinky gym clothes & something in the wash bled all over your clothes or his dryer got too hot & burned your clothes? Would he still owe you reimbursement? In your mind, probably yes.

It's true that no good deed goes unpunished. I think it was terrible to ask for money & it was even worse to have your conversation on your porch & not let him into your house. The way you treat each other makes it clear that this was not merely a platonic friendship. I think numbers is right & there was something else going on.

[kwanfan1818]

(And as an aside, that was the only episode of "Sex and the City" I've seen, and 1. the shoes weren't thrown out, someone stole them and 2. Carrie came across as a self-absorbed hag far too fixated on an overpriced pair of shoes the host had not stolen or tossed, frantically trying to justify her debt-level spending on footwear to herself.)

Actually, the moral of that story was that the friend, played by Tatum O'Neal, was completely unconcerned when Carrie called to say her shoes were stolen at O'Neal's character's house. (Carrie wouldn't have worn them there had she known in advance that she'd have to take them off.) Had O'Neal's character apologized and asked her what she could do to make it right, it's unlikely that Carrie would have said, "Write a check."

I think that Carrie's a self-absorbed insufferable cow as much as the next person, but in this case, O'Neal played someone who was even more of a self-absorbed insufferable cow, although she made good in the end, when pressured.

So the analogy holds quite well in this case.

(Not the cow part.)

[ArtisticFan]

Actually, the moral of that story was that the friend, played by Tatum O'Neal, was completely unconcerned when Carrie called to say her shoes were stolen at O'Neal's character's house. (Carrie wouldn't have worn them there had she known in advance that she'd have to take them off.) Had O'Neal's character apologized and asked her what she could do to make it right, it's unlikely that Carrie would have said, "Write a check."

I think that Carrie's a self-absorbed insufferable cow as much as the next person, but in this case, O'Neal played someone who was even more of a self-absorbed insufferable cow, although she made good in the end, when pressured.

So the analogy holds quite well in this case.

(Not the cow part.)

If I remember correctly, Tatum's character did start to write the check but then scoffed at the amount. I remember it being one of the few moments I agreed with the Carrie character. She was invited to a party and dressed appropriately for the event. It was the other character who insisted upon removing the shoes. What was Carrie to have done? Carried the shoes in her purse or had someone stand guard over them? When you entertain or make demands on a person (taking off shoes before entering the house/apartment) then you assume the liability.

As for this situation, I have had people leave things in my car for extended periods of time. I have disposed of them when necessary. I have also had a friend who left a bag of her clothing in my guest room. I dropped it off on her front porch. If I have something of sentimental or monetary value then I keep it with me or make assurances that it will be cared for in my absence. If something of value of mine was disposed of because I left it in someone else's care without prior arrangements, I would be angrier at myself for having let it happen. I would not ask or demand that person reimburse me, nor would I threaten to dissolve a friendship over my own error in judgment.

[DAngel]

Or Alex didn't respect his friend by expecting his friend to act as a storage facility;

Wow. Am I the only one here who think accidentally leaving things behind in your friend's place is no big deal? I've left things in my friend's place before and vice versa... No apology was ever exchanged. I can understand if it's an acquaintance or someone I don't know well, but close friends? Especially one I see often? What's the big deal?

[michiruwater]

I've accidentally left something at a friends' place, too. The only difference, and I do think it is a difference worth noting, is that when I've realized it, I've sent a quick text off:
"hey, sorry, I just realized I left my cake pan at your apartment! Do you want me to come get it right now or can I get it on Tuesday when we're hanging out?"

Something like that. It's just courteous.

[DAngel]

I've accidentally left something at a friends' place, too. The only difference, and I do think it is a difference worth noting, is that when I've realized it, I've sent a quick text off:
"hey, sorry, I just realized I left my cake pan at your apartment! Do you want me to come get it right now or can I get it on Tuesday when we're hanging out?"

Something like that. It's just courteous.

Anybody ever asked you to come get it right then?

[milanessa]

Wow. Am I the only one here who think accidentally leaving things behind in your friend's place is no big deal? I've left things in my friend's place before and vice versa... No apology was ever exchanged. I can understand if it's an acquaintance or someone I don't know well, but close friends? Especially one I see often? What's the big deal?

The only big deal appears to be in Alex's mind.

[Angelskates]

Wow. Am I the only one here who think accidentally leaving things behind in your friend's place is no big deal? I've left things in my friend's place before and vice versa... No apology was ever exchanged. I can understand if it's an acquaintance or someone I don't know well, but close friends? Especially one I see often? What's the big deal?

Alex knew about it, and didn't do anything about it, even though he keeps going on about how expensive they were, and he expected his friend to do something about it. And he's calling his "friend" a sociopath. Alex clearly shares some of the blame. His reaction is as over-the-top as his friend's.

And like I said, there's obviously more going on here.

[michiruwater]

Anybody ever asked you to come get it right then?

Yes, actually. A couple times. And I did.

[Angelskates]

Yes, actually. A couple times. And I did.

And I'm assuming it was more than 5 minutes away from you?

That's what I don't get here, Alex knew the clothes were really expensive, he knew they were left there, and knew they were only 5 minutes away. Yet Alex did nothing to go and get them or to make sure his friend was okay with them staying in his friend's car for a few day, or to let his friend know he was going to get them. He did nothing at all. Definitely more to the story, but if they were "close friends" neither party would have acted the way they chose to act.

[my little pony]

did these clothes include a bandana?

[numbers123]

To me it smacks of lover scorned, not of a friendly "friendship".

[Angelskates]

To me it smacks of lover scorned, not of a friendly "friendship".

To me, it smacks of a soap opera, as in, not real. Or reality TV, deliberately making drama.

[michiruwater]

And I'm assuming it was more than 5 minutes away from you?

Generally this was while I was in college, so 10-15 at most during the year I lived a little further out of town.

[DAngel]

Alex knew about it, and didn't do anything about it, even though he keeps going on about how expensive they were, and he expected his friend to do something about it. And he's calling his "friend" a sociopath. Alex clearly shares some of the blame. His reaction is as over-the-top as his friend's.

And like I said, there's obviously more going on here.

I do think calling the friend a sociopath is over-the-top, but I can understand the initial anger.

Yes, actually. A couple times. And I did.

I see...

Definitely more to the story, but if they were "close friends" neither party would have acted the way they chose to act.

I think I agree with that

[PDilemma]

Wow. Am I the only one here who think accidentally leaving things behind in your friend's place is no big deal? I've left things in my friend's place before and vice versa... No apology was ever exchanged. I can understand if it's an acquaintance or someone I don't know well, but close friends? Especially one I see often? What's the big deal?

A couple of weeks ago, I left a pair of yoga pants in the office at the back of the kitchen at my sister-in-law's coffeehouse. Didn't realize I had left them there until three days later. Then forgot to ask her for another two days. When I did, she said, "Oh...those are yours. I could not figure out whose they were. They're still there". So my husband picked them up when he was going by there a day after that.

No hurt feelings. Nothing thrown away. No apologies needed.

I guess we're doing something wrong.

[Vagabond]

(And I think apologising to get an apology in return, as someone suggested early in the thread, defeats the purpose of an apology.)

Well, excuuuuuuuuse me!

As that "someone" who made the suggestion, I do believe you misinterpreted my post (and some of what Alex Forrest wrote upthread, but that is a different matter).

I didn't think the original poster should apologize in order to get an apology, but rather to make amends for anything he did wrong. In doing so, he might increase the chances that the other person would also apologize, but, ultimately, where there is fault on both sides, it is up to each person on his own to make amends.

Yes, the original poster could have (and probably should have) called his friend as soon as he realized that that he had taken his gym clothes back home with him. I think that if I were in Alex Forrest's position, I would have apologized for not calling and taking back my belongings immediately. Still, the other guy was way out of line, could have done any number of other things short of throwing out the gym clothes, and should have apologized, regardless of whether the original poster did so too.

[Japanfan]

I would never have thrown out my friend's gym clothes even if they stank. If I was doing laundry I might have thrown the clothes in the load. Or I might have put them on the porch.

I have had issues with people leaving their stuff here because we have a small space. Several times I've said "I will keep this only until ____", which I consider adequate warning.

I guess you have had an apology of sorts. But were it me, I would be wary of this person. This is just because I've had people dump me for seemingly insignificant reasons, one or twice no reason was really provided. In one case a friend ended communication with me after I asked her to send me an email letting me know how she was, instead of just sending me links to jokes. And that was the end of that - and this from someone I was very fond of.

I known I can be blunt, but I've gleaned several pieces of wisdom about friendship over the years:

1) A friend is someone who forgives your failings
2) Trust is earned, not given
3) A friend is someone in whose company you feel good about yourself.

Of course talking about the issue and working it out would be ideal. I've just never had much luck with that. I can talk things through with my husband, but have had rather lousy luck in my attempts to do so with friends.

[Alex Forrest]

I'm really intrigued by the different opinions and the assumptions being made. There is always more to a story, or at least a back story. But in this case, it was a simple situation, nothing more nothing less. We are strictly friends, never been more, never will be, and we've been friends for years. So that's not an issue. In the past this person has disappointed me and let me down, but I figured over the years it has evened out. And he is a good person at heart. I'm not perfect, I have issues, I'm not always the best or nicest friend I can be, so I give him some slack. But there is a history of behavior there which I don't feel the need to get into which has probably shaped my response to this situation. "Sociopath" is too strong a word, and I shouldn't have said that, but he's done things in the past that were outright hurtful to me to which his response was "Oh it was just a joke!" and again, no apology.

I'm just surprised that MY actions are so criticized. Sunday to Wednesday, three days, to me is not a big deal. It's not three weeks we're talking about. Why didn't I call to remind him that my gym bag was in his car???? Well, because it was clear that it was in his car. Why would I call to say "Oh I left my bag in your trunk"? Of course I left it there. It's not like my bag would move itself from the trunk. But I knew I'd be over in a couple of days. He has a busy life, I have a busy life. Three days is nothing. And I didn't think they were particularly stinky, and if they were I expected a call saying "Alex, your clothes STINK. Come get them." God, some of you. I can tell immediately who I would never be friends with on this board. Man, some of you guys are nasty and probably insufferable in real life.

This friend can absolutely afford $100, it's not like he has to go without heat for the winter now that he paid me. Sheesh. Just like I could 'afford' to write a $500 check if I was in the wrong like this, I wouldn't like it and I would probably lie low for a week or two and not go out to make up for the loss. He'll be fine.

Yeah, the Carrie Bradshaw episode isn't quite the same. It would be more similar if say Carrie had a one on one Sunday lunch at Tatum's house and somehow left her shoes there but was coming back over on Wednesday, and Tatum threw them awaybefore then because they stunk without even a courtesy call. Kinda like that.

But oh well, it's done. This wasn't a big blow-out melodrama in real life. It seems more dramatic on this board what with all the crazy assumptions. He called and we talked for an hour tonight, and not once was this brought up. And we're going to brunch tomorrow. That's how I roll.

[milanessa]