Children's Behavior and Discipline

[maatTheViking]

In reply to your original post, haribobo, it sounds to me that the problem isn't the 'parenting strategy' that your friends employs, but rather that she is depressed and unhappy with her life, so she has no capacity left to take care of her child beyond basic physical needs.

Is there a way you can encourage her to seek some help for herself? Maybe offer babysitting if she sees a counselor or something?

Once she is in a better state she will be better capable to set some limits for her child (which is sounds like she should).

rest of thread:
children are very capable - I remember being 8 or so and helping my mom iron, and clean the bathroom mirrors. I loved cleaning mirrors when I was little. Why do I not still?

[vesperholly]

I had a similar experience - fairly self-motivated and wasn't much of a partier in high school. My mother told me years afterwards that her theory of parenting was to be the most "strict" when the child is younger, when they need the most boundaries and discipline, and as they get older, you get less and less strict.

My siblings and I aren't perfect people, but we are independent adults who can function well in society.

[milanessa]

children are very capable - I remember being 8 or so and helping my mom iron, and clean the bathroom mirrors. I loved cleaning mirrors when I was little. Why do I not still?

That was the very first thing I introduced my kids to as far as cleaning. We had floor length mirrors in the bedrooms and I'd spray them and they got to wipe them off. At least the bottom half. They were about 5 and 6. Of course I'd have to redo them but I never let them see that.

[maatTheViking]

That was the very first thing I introduced my kids to as far as cleaning. We had floor length mirrors in the bedrooms and I'd spray them and they got to wipe them off. At least the bottom half. They were about 5 and 6. Of course I'd have to redo them but I never let them see that.

My son's Montessori preschool have a spray bottle (with water) and rag for them - they 'wipe' the window off he is 20 month old - you bet I will get him to clean as soon as I can trust him to not eat the cleaning agents

[milanessa]

I should have started them earlier.

[Anita18]

I actually don't know people like that... I know many who don't cook/dust/etc because they don't want to, but none who actually want to do it but are just too scared of it...

From what I've seen, they're scared of making mistakes. They are only willing to do something if they know they'll be good at it, but that means they never learn anything new...

So that leaves two possibilities IMO: 1) Their parents convinced them that if you load the washer/dryer wrong or if you burn your food, the house will explode or 2) Their parents convinced them that only perfection was tolerated.

I'm always telling people, "What's the worst that can happen?" and they look at me like I'm insane. So your white socks turned out lavender or your burnt your eggs a little? Not the end of the world. For most people, they'd have to try pretty darned hard to blow up their house. Even with knitting, you can make a mistake (or eff things up completely like I have many many times), you just undo and hey, you even still have your yarn!

I had a similar experience - fairly self-motivated and wasn't much of a partier in high school. My mother told me years afterwards that her theory of parenting was to be the most "strict" when the child is younger, when they need the most boundaries and discipline, and as they get older, you get less and less strict.

My siblings and I aren't perfect people, but we are independent adults who can function well in society.

That's what my mom claimed she brainwashed us when we were young. Although it was more like, "Don't shame our family! Do your best!" And then she was like, "Whatever" after middle school and my sister and I never got into trouble and always did our best.

Our situation is unique though, since many many classmates I knew were afraid of their parents and that's why they never got into trouble. We were taught to think really long-term, and that getting into trouble would not be in our best interests or use of our abilities.

My son's Montessori preschool have a spray bottle (with water) and rag for them - they 'wipe' the window off he is 20 month old - you bet I will get him to clean as soon as I can trust him to not eat the cleaning agents

That's fairly important.

[DAngel]

I'm always telling people, "What's the worst that can happen?" and they look at me like I'm insane. So your white socks turned out lavender or your burnt your eggs a little? Not the end of the world. For most people, they'd have to try pretty darned hard to blow up their house. Even with knitting, you can make a mistake (or eff things up completely like I have many many times), you just undo and hey, you even still have your yarn!

I think I have done em all.. I have burnt a couple of pots, explode stuffs in the microwave (chilli, eggs ), destroyed a hand knit hat in the laundry And yet, the house still stands

[AnnieBgood]

It seems like my two year old niece knows exactly what she's doing. lol
She's extremely curious and tests her boundaries. Then, as soon as she knows that we won't give into a tantrum, squealing, or whatever, it passes pretty quickly. Not that she doesn't try to test the same thing more than once, but it gets less and less. Plus, she has a memory like a trap, so we better hold our ground from the get go.

[PDilemma]

It seems like my two year old niece knows exactly what she's doing. lol
She's extremely curious and tests her boundaries. Then, as soon as she knows that we won't give into a tantrum, squealing, or whatever, it passes pretty quickly. Not that she doesn't try to test the same thing more than once, but it gets less and less. Plus, she has a memory like a trap, so we better hold our ground from the get go.

Kids are smarter than usually assumed. We have often watched the four year old child of some friends of ours work his parents quite deftly. One of his very effective routines is to scream and whine for four or five things at a time. He wants to have popcorn, juice, do a puzzle and watch a video before getting ready for bed for example. He screams this list over and over and parents say he can't. Then he takes one item of the list and continues. They continue saying no. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. And soon enough, he has a glass of juice and his video is playing. He is looking smug and his parents are telling us they don't know why he screams at them like that about everything.

[Anita18]

I think I have done em all.. I have burnt a couple of pots, explode stuffs in the microwave (chilli, eggs ), destroyed a hand knit hat in the laundry And yet, the house still stands

I have blown up an egg in the microwave trying to cook it. Good times!

I also do extensive research when it comes to washing anything that isn't obviously machine-washable, because if I paid good money for it (or spent a lot of time making it), then I'd better not destroy it trying to wash it. This is how I came to wash my newly acquired used wedding dress in my bathtub with Tide.

It seems like my two year old niece knows exactly what she's doing. lol
She's extremely curious and tests her boundaries. Then, as soon as she knows that we won't give into a tantrum, squealing, or whatever, it passes pretty quickly. Not that she doesn't try to test the same thing more than once, but it gets less and less. Plus, she has a memory like a trap, so we better hold our ground from the get go.

Ah, the terrible twos. My coworker is at odds with her headstrong two-year-old daughter right now. Coworker has OCPD, so she really really REALLY needs things to be in their proper order. Daughter insisted on putting on 6 completely mismatching shirts the other day and my coworker nearly had a heart attack. There are other behavioral problems as well (the girl can be physically aggressive), and she's at her wit's end, since timeouts don't work anymore, nor does punishments like taking away toys or pulling her from school that day. The little one simply doesn't care.

I have no idea what I was like at 2, so the only thing I can do is assure her that the phase is temporary.

[Artistic Skaters]

I agree with mag--the Jesuits even had a saying, give me a child for five years when he is young (meaning like 5-7) and he is mine for life. What you establish early on is a lot more important than what you try to do with tweens and teens when patterns and expectations are already set.

Oh my, I don't think I would have wanted to give a Jesuit my child for five years when she was young. A Salesian, yes definitely, but not a Jesuit - at least not the Jesuits I experienced when I was that age.

[Moto Guzzi]

I took a machine sewing class in a sewing studio and a girl of 7 or 8 was there with her mom. The teacher was a little concerned about her handling the sewing machine since supposedly kids don't have optimum coordination until 9 or 10. But she allowed the girl to sew, under her mom's watchful eye and she did all right.

I learned to sew when I was 7. I watched my mother and one day decided to try it for myself. She saw me sewing and told me, if I was going to sew, I needed to learn to do it correctly and she taught me. My first project was making a blouse with a collar, short sleeves, and buttons down the front. It was a light turquoise and I made a pleated skirt out of a printed turquoise fabric to go with it. When I was 9 or 10, I wanted a two-piece swimsuit but my mother wouldn't get me one because my one-piece tank suit from the previous summer still fit. While she was at work, I made it into a two-piece suit. She was surprised and told me it was a clever idea. She tended to take me with her when she went clothing shopping because she said that even at a very young age I was good at matching colors and would tell her that a blouse we saw in one store would match a skirt we saw in another. By the time I started high school, I was making most of my clothes and a lot of hers.