The Mom Gene--do you have it?

[Spareoom]

Thanks
They are both walking a bit now, and starting to do a lot more. I'm sure that things will vastly improve in a year or so. It is just getting there...

That's a rough age for sure, and two does not make it better. My mom had four or five kids under the age of five at one point, and I don't know how she managed. We all think we had the greatest childhood ever, but I'm sure we have no idea what my mom went through to give us that!

I want to tell you what I want to tell my friends who have kids in that difficult 1-2 year age, that it WILL get better. Because it does. But I know better than to say that because it's so not helpful at this present time. But, sometimes when you're drowning in a sea of dirty diapers and grubby hands and toys everywhere, it's hard to remember that there IS life after babyhood!

Anyway, I think having a maternal instinct can possibly be genetic but I think it's also largely influenced by how you were raised, how you view kids in general and how comfortable you are with them. I'm the third oldest of eleven kids and I like to say that I've done everything regarding raising a child except physically birthing one. So motherhood is something that I know I will be reasonably equipped to handle when the time comes. But there was a couple years where I was so burned out on childcare that I didn't want to have my own kids for a very long while. I've found that as our youngest has gotten older, though, I've started to miss having babies around. Thankfully our church has a lot of new moms who keep me supplied with my needed fix of chubby cheeks and dimples. Now that I've had some time to think it over, I'm pretty sure I'll end up having kids as soon as I get married. Whenever that blessed day may come. Can't say I'll have 11, but a couple would be nice!

[vesperholly]

My SIL just loves to tell me that she envies me so much. She wishes she could afford to stay home. She even has the option of going part time for a few years, but "can't" do that either - 'cause, well, then their household income might fall below $200k for a few years.

I had a friend tell me that she desperately wants to stay home with her baby, but her husband wants her to keep working so they can retire at 50. The compromise? She gets to have three children instead of two.

[Anita18]

^^^ This Japanfan. I grew up in a post WWII development. My mother was the oddball in the neighborhood who worked, yet she was expected to have floors clean enough to eat off of and to completely eliminate the grime from my father's work clothes. Remember the "ring around the collar" commercials? It was the woman's job to get rid of the problem, not the man's to shower!

My coworker still has this expectation hoisted on her by her traditional husband and family. She gets NO downtime at all, with work and school and two kids. She's only 30, so the mindset still exists. She loves her kids to bits, but it's so hard for her, every day.

Thanks
They are both walking a bit now, and starting to do a lot more. I'm sure that things will vastly improve in a year or so. It is just getting there...

Babies are indeed temporary. I'm not a mother and the most baby time I've had was at my goddaughter's baptism. She's one of two identical twins, and even though my friends (the parents) had hired help because they're wealthy, they still had to wake up and feed both babies every few hours for the first few months. So it's not necessarily the fear of babies that keeps me from having children currently - it's the volatile lifestyle I lead right now. Fiance and I are not settled in, we're in between careers right now...having a baby is definitely out of the question for the time being. Plus I'm rather selfish and I still need my "me" time.

Babies are temporary, the same way toddlers are temporary, and even teenagers. If you weather the first 18 years well, hopefully you'll have cool kids to hang out with for the next 40+ years. My mom is having SO MUCH FUN with me and my sister, now that we're older and she can do stuff with us, instead of having to discipline us all the time.

[MacMadame]

This isn't a motherly issue reallly, but I am terrble at remembering birthdays and doing thank you cards. I always knew this from when I was little and thought I really shouldn't ever be a mom, because that seemed to be job one for mothers. Keeping organized and thoughtful at the same time. If it wasn't for the dotted i's and crossed t's, I think I'd really like being a mom.

What does performing arbitrary social conventions have to do with motherhood?

Unfortunately, enter the "Mommy Wars" and Bill Sears...

Bill Sears says that mothers should follow their own instincts and not worry about what other mothers are doing. Which is the opposite of the Mommy Wars.

Not the mommies, though. If they hightail it away from a mommy the way I do they may as well be booking a one-way ticket to Siberia for their kid.

Now that's a load of bullshit.

[Badams]

I want to tell you what I want to tell my friends who have kids in that difficult 1-2 year age, that it WILL get better. Because it does. But I know better than to say that because it's so not helpful at this present time. But, sometimes when you're drowning in a sea of dirty diapers and grubby hands and toys everywhere, it's hard to remember that there IS life after babyhood!

Absolutely! I have 3 kids, 3,6, and 10. And it makes me sad for the people who posted here that think they aren't good mothers and feel suffocated etc...because we have ALL been there! Sometimes it helps to just have that one person you can talk to about things who HAS been there and who WON'T be judgmental and will just be honest. Then you don't feel so alone or terrible or inept. Because, I will be honest...it wasn't true love and instant connection with me and ANY of my kids. It was more "FINALLY! Here they are! No more swollen everything and having to pee every 30 seconds and, oh yeah, they are cute in a newborn way but I can't wait till they REALLY get cute!" followed by about 6 months of getting used to this new person with a whole different personality and none of that fantasy world of perfection that people like to brainwash women with. But that's exactly what it is. Birth is the first introduction to a brand new person in your life. With a mind of its own and its own personality and likes and dislikes...and you have to get to know each other and each others habits. Nevermind a mom gene.

[zaphyre14]

I had every baby doll, carriage, cradle, kitchen set, etc. ever made as a child (thanks to being the oldest grandchild, the only girl and half-a-dozen doting aunts and uncles) and plyed with them constantly and devotedly. Yet I've grown up into the least maternal and domesticated person you'd ever meet. I don't cook, clean only when necessary for hygene, andhave had absolutely no desire to have or raise kids of my own. If there is a mom gene, then mine mutated into something else along the way.

[Southpaw]

Now that's a load of bullshit.

My outside observer POV is my POV. I'm just not a voice that you agree with.

Plus I'm rather selfish and I still need my "me" time.

Now here's what I'm calling bullshit on...this idea that people without kids are selfish and parents aren't. Just because a person chooses to invest their free time and energy into themselves and their own development instead of starting from scratch and channeling it into a kid that they created out of thin air doesn't make them selfish. It simply means they are allocating their energy (and money) differently. Parents get a payoff from the child rearing transaction. If they didn't you wouldn't hear how much they love being parents and couldn't imagine their lives without their kids and how becoming a parent has made them a better person despite all the drawbacks. Well, I'm doing a lot of things that are making me a better person, too. It's just that kids aren't part of my self-actualization plan, just like playing basketball isn't or even eating sushi. Doesn't make me any more selfish than a parent, though. It just makes me...different. And isn't that what parents are telling their kids all the time? That's it's OK to be different and to follow your own path? Why yes, yes it is!

[Badams]

I became a mother because I got pregnant. Not because I wanted to channel my unfulfilled dreams into a new person or because I felt like I owed the world another human or because I wanted to be a better person or any of that other crap. I got pregnant. I became a mother. End of story. My kids don't owe me or the world anything other than one day becoming a productive member of society. Anything more is up to them.

[Anita18]

Now here's what I'm calling bullshit on...this idea that people without kids are selfish and parents aren't. Just because a person chooses to invest their free time and energy into themselves and their own development instead of starting from scratch and channeling it into a kid that they created out of thin air doesn't make them selfish. It simply means they are allocating their energy (and money) differently. Parents get a payoff from the child rearing transaction. If they didn't you wouldn't hear how much they love being parents and couldn't imagine their lives without their kids and how becoming a parent has made them a better person despite all the drawbacks. Well, I'm doing a lot of things that are making me a better person, too. It's just that kids aren't part of my self-actualization plan, just like playing basketball isn't or even eating sushi. Doesn't make me any more selfish than a parent, though. It just makes me...different. And isn't that what parents are telling their kids all the time? That's it's OK to be different and to follow your own path? Why yes, yes it is!

Depends on your approach, I think. I consider it selfish because right now I'd rather be able to sleep when I want instead of getting up every 2-3 hours to feed a baby. I also consider myself pretty lazy at times, but I'm likely comparing myself to the wrong people. Like my coworker who get NO time to herself like, ever.

[Southpaw]

My kids don't owe me or the world anything other than one day becoming a productive member of society. Anything more is up to them.

I'm sure your kids will be very grateful for your philosophy and one day they'll get on the Interwebz and say "My mom's AWESOME!" instead of "My mother is driving me NUTS!!!!"

[Southpaw]

Depends on your approach, I think. I consider it selfish because right now I'd rather be able to sleep when I want instead of getting up every 2-3 hours to feed a baby.

But how on earth is it selfish because you'd rather spend your time sleeping than feeding a baby? Who are you harming by sleeping? I think selfish behavior is something that benefits yourself while taking away from someone else. You're not taking anything away from anybody by snoozing. You're minding your own business is what you're doing. And maybe your fiance's.

[Badams]

I'm sure your kids will be very grateful for your philosophy and one day they'll get on the Interwebz and say "My mom's AWESOME!" instead of "My mother is driving me NUTS!!!!"

I can only hope. I'm sure I'm doing something that they will determine has completely ruined their lives for ever and ever!!! I still have to make it through the teen years...

[TygerTyger]

[QUOTE=MacMadame;

Bill Sears says that mothers should follow their own instincts and not worry about what other mothers are doing.
:[/QUOTE]

Right ... he does say that ... Then he spends most of the text writing approvingly of women who stay at home, and embrace a parenting style that no career woman could sustain.

Not that I haven't borrowed from AP at times. But women go insane trying to live up to the Sears standard - happens all the time

[Southpaw]

But women go insane trying to live up to the Sears standard - happens all the time

That dude thinks he's Holden Caufield.

[NancyNC]

Late to the thread, but if there is a maternal gene I am most definitely missing it LOL. I had some dolls when I was little, but was never really that interested in them and far preferred climbing the nearest tree and imagining I was in a spaceship. (Yes, a nerd even as a young child. ) My mother told me once that she never expected grandchildren because I "didn't have a nurturing bone in my body." (Kind of harsh...but kinda true...)

I didn't get married until I was 33 and never heard my biological clock ticking and never longed for children. I had a close friend who was almost clinically depressed over the fact that she was not yet married at 30 and thought her chances for motherhood were ticking away. She couldn't understand why I wasn't anxious about it like she was and I couldn't relate to her desire. My husband never wanted children either, so it was a match made in heaven. And have I ever heard the "you're selfish" from "well-meaning" commentators...

However, I am the honorary "aunt" to my close friends' children and love to spoil them. I really enjoy spending time with them. And I really enjoy giving them back at the end of the afternoon.

[Bostonfan]

Between my 5 siblings, I have a combination of 15 nieces and nephews. I myself am not married and I'm in my early 40s. I didn't want to bring a child into this world without a husband to help. (My respect to all single parents out there- don't know how you do it). At this point though if I do get married, I won't have children. Once I hit 40 y/o, I just realized I didn't want to do it. And I waited for my clock to start ticking at an unbearable volume. But instead - nothing.

If any of my siblings passed and I had to care for my nieces or nephews, I'm confident I could do it well. I have the mom gene in the sense that I think I'd be a good mom. But I have no desire to have children.

[OliviaPug]

If this thread and the responses to the OP prove anything, it shows how we are all individuals with our own experiences. Some fell into parenthood. Others chose it. Others fell out of it (by not getting married and not wanting to be a single parent). While others decided against it. And everyone's experiences are really all over the map. Parenting isn't easy. Period. I don't think any of the above makes anyone good, bad, better, worse. If I had decided to parent, I hope I would have been a good one -- I am a true nurturer -- but who knows. That was one of the reasons I decided against having children. I knew I'd be obsessed and neurotic. Didn't want any child to have to put up with that and didn't want to drive myself crazy in the process.

I enjoy being an auntie to my nephews and my friends' kids. I love it, actually. And, like NancyNC, I enjoy giving the kids back

Just another point about the whys of having children and selfish vs. unselfish. In pre-industrial times, family planning was very different. Couples often had children to "man" the farm and share the labor, and usually had more children because of the higher mortality rate. I don't think anyone criticized that reasoning. Nowadays, we don't have the same considerations. People are criticized for just about every choice they make ... working, not working, having kids, not having kids, age of having kids, how many kids to have, breastfeeding or not, how long to breastfeed, and the list goes on and on.

We've become a very critical society, I guess, because we're not busy working on the farm

O-

[modern_muslimah]

But how on earth is it selfish because you'd rather spend your time sleeping than feeding a baby? Who are you harming by sleeping? I think selfish behavior is something that benefits yourself while taking away from someone else. You're not taking anything away from anybody by snoozing. You're minding your own business is what you're doing. And maybe your fiance's.

IA with you. If you're not harming anyone then your actions aren't selfish. I'm also pretty lazy and I love to sleep in. I know at this point in my life, I would be so cranky and pissed if I had to get up every two to three hours to feed or change someone. I have read blogs by moms where they discuss this and I feel so happy that's not me. I also read blogs by Muslim mothers and they talk about giving up going to the mosque for Ramadan prayers because they have to care for babies (who make it virtually impossible to do the night prayers that last for hours). I think that sucks. I also wonder what the hell the fathers are doing. Then I realize there is no way I should be having children right now. Maybe when I get older, my feelings will change but right now, the idea of interrupting my sleep, prayers or anything else and constantly bonding with a little one who is completely dependent on me makes me .

[heckles]

In pre-industrial times, family planning was very different. Couples often had children to "man" the farm and share the labor, and usually had more children because of the higher mortality rate.

Read: "Couples in the good ol' days had a lot more sex for fun than they cared to admit, so they said they had a lot of kids in order to help out the farm."

[Southpaw]

And years ago if a man worked in a coal mine and was killed on the job the oldest son was sent into the mine to take his place so that the family could continue living in the mine housing. So having children was an act of self-preservation for the people in control of the situation, ie, the parents. As long as they kept providing workers then the mine kept providing shelter. I don't need to have children to assure my housing - I pay my rent to my landlord and if I were to die he'd be sad and he'd miss me terribly , but he'd eventually move on and simply find a new tenant to take my place to help pay his mortgage and finance the lifestyle to which he's become accustomed as property owner. I'm pretty sure my employer would easily be able to find a new ass to plunk in my seat, too. So how some people could think that I am selfish for not creating a replacement for myself is beyond me. Now, I suppose the argument could be made that I'm not replacing my tax-paying debt-incurring self with ANOTHER tax-paying debt-incurring entity, but anybody who thinks I'm going to put myself into jeopardy in the present just to bankroll a man-made economic system that has run its course and is in its death throes, well, they can kiss my grits is what I have to say about that.