The Mom Gene--do you have it?

[michiruwater]

I don't really have any interest in having kids. Teaching them will probably suit me just fine. I suppose it depends upon whether or not I find myself in a serious relationship and what he thinks. If I do have kids, the idea of pregnancy in general isn't very appealing and I would prefer to adopt. That I feel pretty certain about.

My first gynecologist was an asshole. I told him I didn't really see myself ever wanting kids, and he looked at me soooo patronizingly and said, "you're female. All females want babies."

I was so pissed. It still makes me seethe when I think about it. I told the nurses they needed have a talk with him and that I was never going back there, and I didn't.

[TygerTyger]

I had my first child last year at 35. Six months later we acquired a second child via a family adoption (SIL is a Meth Addict.) At the time, I was convinced that taking the baby was the right thing to do, and I have grown quite fond of the boy. But, frankly, it's Hell. We are a thousand miles from friends and family, and are having financial troubles. I would LOVE to get out of the house once in a while. But I did not finish college, and could never make enough money to keep the boys in day care.
Yesterday, my husband got a vasectomy Not that it was really necessary - as every time he opens his mouth I want to murder him.

[AnnieBgood]

When the teacher, probably Kindergarten, asked me what I wanted to be, I replied, "A Mommy and Nurse." I think it was because I was a Mama's girl and I admired my Grandma who used to be a Nurse. Plus, I've always wanted to take care of people emotionally.
I'm really looking forward to having children. I'm 30 and it feels like I've waited forever.
I just got married. So, maybe I can get on that, soon.

Oh, and my sister was never maternal, until she had my niece. She's great with her and balances things pretty well. Her fiance takes up the other half of the load. They're so crazy about the first one that they went for a second, two years later.

[Hannahclear]

I really loved babies until I had one I feel like I have no maternal instinct, but perhaps it's because everyone tells me I am incompetent.

I never wanted to be a mother until I was older. (And I thought we'd have waited awhile longer. WHOOPS.) I always thought I'd have a career and a life and whatnot instead of being a stay at home mom as I am right now. I never wanted a sibling, but I loved babysitting. As an adult, oddly, I wish I had a sibling so I wasn't lonely or at least had someone to share the burden of taking care of my parents, which is probably the only reason I'd consider having another baby.

I don't see why people fuss over those who don't want kids. What's the problem? Is it just because we're expected to have children? (I'm guessing that's it.)

Aww I'm sure you are doing fine. How old is your kid? I remember feeling like you. I found the first 18 months a mostly non magical experience. It gets better.

[taf2002]

I did baby dolls. Obsessively. And I took care of all the babies in the family all the time. I changed diapers starting at about age six because my aunt (God rest her soul) preferred not to and would hand me her baby of the moment and tell me to go change him (she had six boys).

And I don't have kids. Not for lack of wanting them. It just hasn't worked out. So I get talked down to by mothers I know and treated like I hate children and will accidentally injure them in my ignorance. The wife of one of my husband's friends made a comment to me recently about my (allegedly) having no idea how to change a diaper. I changed diapers before the woman was born. It is frustrating and hurtful to listen to that crap.

I think I have the mom gene. I always wanted to be a mom. I "mothered" my dolls, took care of my younger brothers, & babysat. Unfortunately, it didn't work out for me either, & even though I'm in my 60's, it still hurts at times. And people say stupid, sometimes hurtful things.

But people say stupid things when you buy a car. Even my family, knowing how I feel, have at times blurted out insensitive things. But you have to shrug it off unless you know it was said specifically to hurt. In that case, you avoid being around toxic people like that.

But feeling like you do, why did you open this thread? Do you poke yourself with a sharp stick because it feels so good when you stop? I have a hard time understanding how you find all the horrid people in life. Do you know anyone who treats you well? You are probably a nice person but you come off as very bitter & not only is that not attractive, it's not a trait that will make you happy.

[PDilemma]

I think I have the mom gene. I always wanted to be a mom. I "mothered" my dolls, took care of my younger brothers, & babysat. Unfortunately, it didn't work out for me either, & even though I'm in my 60's, it still hurts at times. And people say stupid, sometimes hurtful things.

But people say stupid things when you buy a car. Even my family, knowing how I feel, have at times blurted out insensitive things. But you have to shrug it off unless you know it was said specifically to hurt. In that case, you avoid being around toxic people like that.

But feeling like you do, why did you open this thread? Do you poke yourself with a sharp stick because it feels so good when you stop? I have a hard time understanding how you find all the horrid people in life. Do you know anyone who treats you well? You are probably a nice person but you come off as very bitter & not only is that not attractive, it's not a trait that will make you happy.

Wow. You just feel like attacking someone this morning or what? I'm not the only one who expressed some feelings about people's attitudes about the issue of having or not having children in this thread. Including you. In this very post I have quoted.

And I didn't say that I considered that woman's comment intentionally hurtful. What I actually considered it was another case of women in our culture automatically making certain assumptions about those who do not have kids. The only reason I found it frustrating is that a lot of women make those assumptions--that if you don't have kids you are missing something besides a child, that you lack certain skill sets and even emotions. I have had comments thrown at me about it that I find hilarious actually. My favorite was when an old friend told me in an online chat conversation that I'm lucky that I don't have to do laundry since we don't have a child. I said, of course, because everyone knows childless people go to a special store that sells self-cleaning clothes and doesn't admit parents. She realized she had said something kind of dumb.

I truly do think that people need to be more careful about making assumptions about why someone doesn't have kids. I have a relative who had six miscarriages before she stopped trying. The last one at 18 weeks which is a very emotionally painful experience. Some assumptions and comments that have been thrown at her by people who have no idea what she went through have hurt her very much. Just people moaning about how hard it is to have kids punched her in the gut for awhile after the last one.

And I just have to say that you must be the one with nasty friends and family. I have never heard anyone I know make any sort of negative comment about someone's car purchase.

[Matryeshka]

I think Motherhood as we think of it today is a brand spanking new post WWII concept. We idolize days of yore as being one where the family, especially the mother, was the central institute of society. This is true, but our concept of family has changed drastically. It was considered duty and stability and a way to ensure a legacy or more help with the chores and extra workers. Feelings of love and companionship were there, but definitely secondary.

We have this idea that stay at home mom=lots of time nurturing children, helping with homework, drying eyes, etc. But that's not true. On average, two working parents of today spend double the time with their children than the stay at home mom of the 1950s. Well to do wives and mothers had nannies and governesses who did the majority of rearing; children of non well-to-do wives and mothers went to work.

For whatever reason, we looooove to romanticize the past to show how society today is going to hell in a handbasket instead of acknowledging that we live in a brave new world. Of course lots of women find they don't like motherhood; it's new. We've had maybe at most three generations of Motherhood. Women of yesteryear that had children did not grow up with the idea that they had to devote their lives to raising children. Begetting them yes--that was a woman's main function in most societies--but raising them, no.

So it doesn't surprise me at all that women express in secret or only to their closest friends dissatisfaction with Motherhood. Of all my friends that have children, which is now most of them, I think only one is happier with children than without. Most are like Prancer, and it's more of a lateral movement. A few would much rather go back to where they were before, and one is miserable to the point that I sometimes worry she might go crazy and drown her kids and herself in the bathtub. Her mother--who, btw, is a horrible bitch and was beyond a lousy mother--makes her feel guilty and small and stupid for putting her oldest child in day care three days a week, which the doctor recommended as she's language delayed. She has three kids under two--none twins--and her husband is a good man and a good father but rather depressed himself and lacking in common sense.

It's like we as women pressure the next generation into being what we imagine we should have been, when that should have been never existed.

And personally, I don't put much stock into what kids wanted to do when they were five as indications of what we want to do as adults. As a child, I wanted to be a: squirrel, a mermaid princess, a rock star, a nurse, a lawyer, and a classical pianist. By the time I was 18, none of those had any appeal (except the mermaid princess). There was no indication that I would be a teacher, much less like it, or somewhat enjoy public relations. I wouldn't have thought that ten years ago.

[Hannahclear]

Very wise post, Matry. I think you pretty much said it. There's a new book out by a feminist blogger, Jessica Valenti, that discusses this issue. It looks like a good read. I've got it on reserve at the library and am looking forward to reading it.

[taf2002]

Wow. You just feel like attacking someone this morning or what? I'm not the only one who expressed some feelings about people's attitudes about the issue of having or not having children in this thread. Including you. In this very post I have quoted.

And I just have to say that you must be the one with nasty friends and family. I have never heard anyone I know make any sort of negative comment about someone's car purchase.

I didn't post to be mean. I sincerely feel that you come off on your posts as a bitter, unhappy person, & that is something that I hate to see. If that's not true, I'm happy to hear it.

It's true that people make assumptions & say hurtful things. You can either dwell on all your slights, or you can ignore the idiots & go on.

ETA: re stupid things when you buy a car: why did you buy that car, it's impractical, you paid too much, etc. People often open mouth, insert foot.

[KikiSashaFan]

I really loved babies until I had one I feel like I have no maternal instinct, but perhaps it's because everyone tells me I am incompetent.

From everything I can see you are a great mom and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. And he's seriously adorable too

[CantALoop]

I just had a great conversation about this with a female friend, and she said something along the lines of this:

"Mom gene? Do they mean the instinct to nurture or to spawn? I'd gladly be a surrogate if you or another gay friend ever wanted babies, but I'd rather be an aunty than a mommy.

If a mouse had my copies of the mom gene she'd probably eat her own babies after they annoyed her enough."

[Prancer]

I think Motherhood as we think of it today is a brand spanking new post WWII concept. We idolize days of yore as being one where the family, especially the mother, was the central institute of society. This is true, but our concept of family has changed drastically. It was considered duty and stability and a way to ensure a legacy or more help with the chores and extra workers. Feelings of love and companionship were there, but definitely secondary.

That, and it wasn't like people had much choice about having or not having kids. My mom used to tell me all the time that she was glad she wasn't me for whom everything was a choice, because that placed demands on me that she never had to experience.

I really loved babies until I had one I feel like I have no maternal instinct, but perhaps it's because everyone tells me I am incompetent.

Oh, hon, everyone knows how to raise your children better than you do and they all want to tell you how you are screwing it up.

This will never end. In fact, I get more criticism now that my kids are 18 and 16 than I ever did before. If I think people have a point, I consider it. Otherwise, I just roll my eyes.

Not that it was really necessary - as every time he opens his mouth I want to murder him.

When my bestest friend ever was pregnant with her first, she asked me all kinds of questions about labor. I told her not to worry about labor, because labor ends. One of the things she needed to be aware of was that she was going to be really angry at her husband for about three years and she needed to keep that in perspective.

She told me later that that was the best advice I gave her .

[spikydurian]

A friend once swore that she didn't want any children and could not stand children. When she got married and had kids, she couldn't leave them out of her sight! Couldn't holiday without the kids!

[michiruwater]

It's true that people make assumptions & say hurtful things. You can either dwell on all your slights, or you can ignore the idiots & go on.

In other words, PDilemma, taf is encouraging you to ignore the mean and assumptive things she has said to you in this thread and move on. It's the only thing she said to you that I agree with.

[pat c]

I really loved babies until I had one I feel like I have no maternal instinct, but perhaps it's because everyone tells me I am incompetent..........

No one knows your child like you do. Your child loves *you* and will adolize *you* until they turn 5 if not before. Ignore the know it alls as much as you can.

I was a sahm and then I went back to work part time when my kids hit school. I could not abide yakking about my kids and nothing but my kids. Luckily, I had friends who were the same. We talked about the damndest things, drank coffee or alcohol, ditched our kids at the first opportunity or dragged them along. And damn they survived. My kids were not my whole life, nor am I theirs. Nor should it be like that. Wings and roots and all that.

And I love them to pieces, I tell them so, and support them in what they do.

[milanessa]

In other words, PDilemma, taf is encouraging you to ignore the mean and assumptive things she has said to you in this thread and move on. It's the only thing she said to you that I agree with.

I think taf was spot on. Not be be mean but assumptions can be drawn from PDilemma's posting history.

[IceAlisa]

i LOVED doll clothes, loved changing the clothes, sketching new ones, taking material to the seamstress to see if she could make them stuff. but i never pretended they were my babies. sometimes i pretended we were fleeing nazis across the alps and they needed surgery on the way.

I think it means you have the fashion gene.

[jlai]

Speaking of, where's the latest fashion thread? I need to bitch about my shoe shopping!

(((shout out to everyone who's had a tough time on anything related to topic)))

[IceAlisa]

I've been looking for it myself--perhaps not hard enough.

[numbers123]

You mean this one?