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  1. #1
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    Feeling very, very down today....

    Hi All,

    Just need somewhere to talk today. Life has been pretty difficult for the last year and a half. My mom was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of cancer and died six months to the day later. Her illness was tragic and terrible. The one year anniversary of her death is approaching. My father has not coped well and it's created much grief and strained relationships in my family. I planned a beautiful trip to Italy with a friend (was supposed to be there now), but the trip was cancelled because my friend's mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. Good think the trip was cancelled, because I have since made a trip to emergency and I'm waiting to have my gallbladder removed (no doubt, I'm quite sure stress is a contributing factor). I'm stressed about surgery and struggling day to day -- with pain and dealing with the fact that I can't eat any fat or spicy foods (no alcohol, no opportunity to go out with friends for a meal). And, yesterday I learned that a friend (not one of my best friends, but still a very beautiful person) passed away while on holiday with her husband in Europe. It is thought to be an accidental drowning but there are more questions than answers at this point. I'm just home from my best friends house (who was closer to the woman who died than I was), and she is in rough shape. She helped to care for the children yesterday after they learned of their mother's death. An unthinkable tragedy.

    With the exception of my beautiful niece and nephew who are the joys of my life, when I look around all I see is stress, grief, and loss. It's been so long since I have really felt more than brief moments of happiness. It feels like life is never going to be good again -- I joke that I have a dark cloud that is following me around. I don't want to be self-centred, because that's not who I am. I know it could always be worse and everyone has things in life that they struggle with, but life has not been kind this year.

    I've been working really hard to take care of myself -- I've been to see a counsellor, I've been exercising, eating well, sleeping regularly, talking with friends, doing things I enjoy, etc... But, I'm so tired. I feel like I want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head for a little while.

    Anyone have any words of comfort or strength today. Any words of advice to help during these dark days...

  2. #2

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    That is a whole lot of hurt your body and brain has been faced with this past year. I'm sorry.
    Would talking with a chaplain at Hospice possibly be a comfort?

    I know it seems terrible now -- and it is really, really tough -- but I believe it will get better, and you will feel better. All you can do is take it one day at a time. (I hope there is someone who can give you a little cosseting, Bailey.)

    Sending good thoughts...

  3. #3
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    ((((((Bailey)))))) That's a lot of weight for one small set of shoulders to bear.

    This might sound odd, but maybe your pending gallbladder surgery will provide some relief. Anticipating surgery in and of itself can be quite stressful, and it also sounds like you're exhausted, so maybe once you get your surgery behind you and get a little post-op rest, you'll feel a bit better.

    I'm very sorry for all the loss you've experienced, and hope that better times lie ahead for you.
    "I miss footwork that has any kind of a discernible pattern. The goal of a step sequence should not be for a skater to show the same ice coverage as a Zamboni and take about as much time as an ice resurface. " ~ Zemgirl, reflecting on a pre-IJS straight line sequence

  4. #4

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    I am so sorry. I think it is 100% natural that you feel the way you do, anyone would feel the same way. BUT you are continuing on and trying to keep living your life. That is all you can do. It is so unfortunate that one bad thing after another keeps occurring but eventually things have to turn around. You just have to hang in there until that time comes. I wish you the best.
    -Brian
    "Michelle would never be caught with sausage grease staining her Vera Wang." - rfisher

  5. #5
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    baily- oh my! you have had more than your share this year- i do know that we say the first year of any situation is the worst ( ie first year after a diagnosis- or death of a loved one) i think that you will find after the first year behind you things will start to look up- it sounds hokey i know but putting postive vibes out there and being able to receive it is also important- i leanred that a lot this year as well-
    hang in there !!!!

  6. #6
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    It does indeed sound rough, even to a persistent optimist like me. I'm so sorry about your friends and relatives.

    It's okay to take a day to yourself and crawl into bed and pull the covers over your head. It's never wrong to do that. Life is always a series of good things and bad things happening. Sometimes at once, sometimes not in order, but the darkness will never shut out the light completely.

  7. #7

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    (((((Bailey)))))

    I am so sorry that you have had to deal with so much. You are not being self centered at all. What you are describing is really really tough to deal with.

    It is good that you are taking care of yourself. Good luck with the gall bladder surgery.

    Hang in there. The dark clouds will pass and the sun will be shining in your life.

  8. #8

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    Bailey (( hugs ))

    I don't know if this helps, but know that you aren't alone. In the past year and 1/2, I have lost 6 significant loved ones, including my father and best friend. I had 2 cardiac arrests (brought on by self-neglect, stress, and the incorrect medication prescribed by my doc) and got divorced. I felt like I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel, and I too felt like a dark cloud was following me around. I wish I could look you straight in the eyes and tell you that things will get better, that there are better days to come, so that you would truly believe it.

    I do think you're doing all the right things to get through this difficult time. Keep you friends and loved ones close, really close. Keep talking. Keep taking care of yourself. Read! Choose stories that keep you distracted -- at least for a little while -- it will give your brain a chance to rest from the sadness and grief. And by all means focus on joy and joyful moments. Make sure not to miss out on your life because you are caught up in your grief.

    Also, though I am not a professional in the area, it sounds like you have situational depression as I did last year. I chose not to go the medication route, but I did seek out therapy (and I still go once a week).

    Take care and focus on just the moment in front of you. Before you know it, things will be better.

    Sending all positive thoughts your way.

    O-

  9. #9

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    ((((BAILEY))))

    I will keep you in my prayers.

  10. #10
    KWEEN 2016! YES WE KWAN!
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    Something happy to watch:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHfgjszz_Tk

  11. #11

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    (((((((Bailey)))))) you have been through so much!! It sounds like you've been doing the right things in taking care of yourself. Luxuriate in the forced rest that will accompany the gallbladder surgery. Be well!
    BARK LESS. WAG MORE.

  12. #12

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    Bailey, I'm so sorry for your loss, and I hope you have a good support network, and someone to talk to in real life.

    I don't have any words of wisdom, but I will suggest that you record the brief moments of happiness you are having - they are there! If you record them (in any way, with a sentence, a photo etc.) they may help you in the rougher times, by looking through them. Hopefully they will get more and more.

    I'm glad you felt like you could share with us here. ((((((Bailey)))))

  13. #13

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    You have had a sucky year Bailey. If I'm feeling really down, I sometimes watch sometimes watch things like this:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7QxK3-pANw

    funny and stupid. But it takes me away from whatever it is for a couple of minutes. If you can smile or even laugh, it all helps.

    Hope things improve for you.

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anita18 View Post
    It's okay to take a day to yourself and crawl into bed and pull the covers over your head. It's never wrong to do that. Life is always a series of good things and bad things happening. Sometimes at once, sometimes not in order, but the darkness will never shut out the light completely.
    That is great advice. I think trying to be cheerful when life is filling you with grief can add to one's burdens.

    When I get overwhelmed, I go outside and look at the stars in the sky and think about what a tiny part of time and the universe I am, and that my troubles will soon pass. It sort of disassociates me from my emotions, and I can go back inside and get on with what I need to do. A repetitive prayer can sometimes do that too.
    ‎"You emerge victorious from the maze you've been travelling in." Oct 21,2012- Best Fortune Cookie Ever!

  15. #15
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    It is completely natural to still feel the affects of loss for a long time when we lose someone dear to us. The first year is especially hard as we face the "firsts" of each holiday without them. It may not make you feel better, but at least you know it's normal to be deeply impacted. And then when you add the other stresses to it, I can see how it becomes too much very quickly.

    Unfortunately there is no easy answer. You just need to keep doing the right things and be ready to accept it when the good things happen and you find your mood is lifting. It sounds like you're really doing what you should and all I can offer is my virtual support and good wishes for some good luck in the coming year.
    "The Devil is joining in, and that's never a good sign." Phil Liggett

  16. #16

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    (((Bailey)))

  17. #17
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    (((Bailey))) I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. Take good care of yourself and hang in there. Hope you feel better soon.

  18. #18

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    Bailey, it's no surprise you're feeling down and exhausted. Grieving your mother who you lost only a year ago and coping with the strain on your family caused by your dad's difficulty coping is in itself completely overwhelming.

    On top of that, you're having to support your friends, one whose mom has lung cancer and another whose good friend just died. And deal with the potential loss/loss of those two people as well. Let's face it - lung cancer is usually fatal.

    So, you've got multiple reasons to grieve.

    And on top of that, there is your own gall bladder to deal with. Surgery is always scary. And you can't eat the foods you like or have a drink, both of which could be comforting or take the edge off. And as you say, this limits your ability to enjoy spending time with friends who could support you, which is yet another loss.

    Go ahead and spend as much time in bed as you like. Don't worry if you can't always be there for your friends or your dad right now.

    When will you have your surgery? That situation is at least temporary. Once the surgery is over, things should get easier I would think.

    In the meantime don't be hard on yourself or beat yourself up for feeling down.
    Last edited by Japanfan; 09-27-2012 at 01:54 AM.

  19. #19
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    I am so sorry.

    When my mom died she was at the peak of health and finally had the life she deserved and it was all gone in an instant. I had a really hard time; it was terrible.

    I too did all the things I was supposed to do but I wasn't taking any happiness in my kids, I was going through the motions of living. I was seeing a therapist and finally talked to my doctor. He gave me an rx for just the short term.

    It really helped me - it was only about 4 weeks, but it was enough where I started to see a little brightness. When the rx was over, I just felt more capable of joy. The next years were hard, but more manageable.

    So don't be afraid of telling your doctor that activities that were pleasurable are not any longer, of how you feel.

    I felt like a loser for taking the meds. I've heard others say negative things about them- how they never would. But I had to go to work every day. I couldn't stay in bed as much as I wanted to just sleep. I had two kids who needed a mom who wasn't withdrawn or crying.

  20. #20
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    Sorry for your loss and troubles. Know that you are in our prayers and I'm sending lots of hugs & good vibes your way.

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