Advice Request RE My Father has a Match.com account

[Alex Forrest]

Oh god, here is the story. My wonderful Mom came down for a visit last week. My Dad was flying in two days later. She went to their mutual email account to find out what time his flight was coming in. Lo and behold there were a ton of emails from Match.com. So my Mom brings the computer to me and asks me what is all this about. I cringed. I died. I contemplated self-harm. How totally STUPID for him to set up this account on their mutual email address. So my Mom and I set up an account so we could read his page. Wow. Lies lies lies. He turns 80 this year and he claimed to be 65. He is 'separated', has two kids and would consider having more. Also he was looking for a woman between 35 and 55 (I'm the youngest and am 40, so he's really going young) His handle is so embarrassingly offensive I won't repeat it.

So, here is what I did. I contacted him. "It'sMissVixen2U". That should get his horny self going. I was not trying to set him up, I was just curious what he had to say. Or I am just the demon child from hell. Before you know, after maybe two emails, he goes blueballed sexual in his correspondence. I immediately tried to change the tone, which is odd when a Miss Vixen responds to someone whose handle refers to the size and girth of his penis. Now here's the problem. He won't let it go. I politely told him that I am really not interested, but good luck and goodbye. He is stalking me now on Match.com. He writes at least five times a day, it's just so awkward and sad. I called him up today as I was typing my response and after telling him in the email to focus on him saving his marriage and the love and respect of his children he abruptly ended the convo with me once MissVixen's email came through.

I know, it's so fecked up. I am disappointed in my Dad, number one because I am his best friend and confidant and he knows he can tell me anything and not be sneaky or dishonest. But secondly, for anyone who has experienced that heartache of finding out your spouse or partner has been cheating, you just don't see the person in the same way anymore.

I would never embarrass him or me by revealing this to him, but shouldn't I say something? Maybe allude to some random email from Match.com?
And tell him to knock it off. Oh, and my Mom is totally fine with this. She has always been repulsed by him and would love for him to have an affair so she can finally divorce him and walk away. I've been their marriage counselor since I was ten years old and understood their relationship.

Also, Miss Vixen is closed. I deleted the account ten minutes ago.

Should I randomly tell my Dad about the horrors of internet dating sites, the stalkers, the scammers? He plays this senile old goof who has no idea how to use a computer or to 'do the google' yet he's smart enough to set up a Match account and email me five times a day. I might just in a general way tell him that internet dating sites are never secure and you can and will be scammed.

[maatTheViking]

I am going to try and restrain myself from commenting on setting up a fake account and whether you set him up or not.

My honest opinion:
Don't allude to any of the match.com emails. If your mom wants to, since it is her account, let her.

Of your options, go for the random horror story thing. That has much less change of being uncomfortable.

[michiruwater]

Well, you decided to meet dishonesty with dishonesty. My honest opinion is that you already completely frakked this up, and while what he's doing is wrong, you should be completely ashamed of yourself for your actions as well.

If you think he needs to know that you all are aware of his actions, then my advice is to tell him exactly how and why you know. I don't know why you didn't just do that from the start. Just be honest, as much as you can be at this point after setting him up. Really, though, your mother should be the one to confront him - and she absolutely should confront him. If she doesn't, then you might just have to live with it.

Don't go the passive-aggressive, stupid 'horror stories' route. I'm under the impression that you are an adult, and not a young one but one with sufficient life experience. If you want to address the situation, then actually address the situation.

[Artemis@BC]

Of your options, go for the random horror story thing. That has much less change of being uncomfortable.

ITA. Particularly since your mother doesn't seem disturbed by the though of your father having a extra curricular activities. The main goal, then, is to keep your father safe both in 2D and 3D land.

If that message doesn't seem to be getting through, you can perhaps choose to disclose that you (and your mother) know about his online adventures, without going into the Miss Vixen thing. That way you can be more explicit and less coy about giving him advise about staying safe.

I too will refrain from commenting on the wisdom of setting up the Miss Vixen honey-trap in the first place ... or of your lifetime of being a marriage counsellor for your own parents ...

[sap5]

I know, it's so fecked up. I am disappointed in my Dad, number one because I am his best friend and confidant and he knows he can tell me anything and not be sneaky or dishonest.

Really? If you've done anything else to him like what you've done here, he might be thinking otherwise.

[susan6]

Yeah, the fake account thing wasn't the best way to address this. I don't think "random horror stories" will cut it; he needs a b*tch-slap. I would tell him that you know about his account (don't tell him how you know; if he asks, mention the emails) and tell him he needs to stop being a sleazeball.

Man, does this make me feel better about being single.

[my little pony]

i saw this on 30 rock. when liz met her father at the singles bar, it just made things worse.

[snoopy]

i saw this on 30 rock. when liz met her father at the singles bar, it just made things worse.

LOL. One of the best/worst zingers I ever got was when a friend and I were fighting over buying the exact same dress for Homecoming. A third party told us she saw this is exact same scenario play out by Lucy and Ethel.

[Alex Forrest]

Really? If you've done anything else to him like what you've done here, he might be thinking otherwise.

I totally agree. When my Mom and I set up the account it was only for the purpose of seeing what he had to say. Whether it was because I was angry at his stupidity or his utter lack of discretion, I decided to contact him. Believe me, my moral compass was sounding off. I knew what I did was wrong, dishonest, and totally below me. But in a strange effed up way I thought that if he had a penpal maybe he'd feel better, because frankly he is a very lonely man. Then the tone changed to blatant sexuality and I stopped.

I have not told any of this to my Mom, for one she really doesn't care nor does she need the embarrassment.

Why I even bothered to reveal this less than exemplary behavior of mine is because I don't know how to approach this with him. Within a few emails he became stalkerish, and who knows if this is how he is with others who have responded to him. It would be extremely humiliating to my family if my Dad got out of control and some woman went to the police.

[Vagabond]

Oh, where, oh where are SceneIt and magnolia when we need them?

[BittyBug]

I'm going to give you an entirely different perspective: your dad is an adult and he has the right to live his life however he chooses, especially since he doesn't have that much of it left. Just as I'm sure you wouldn't want your parents meddling in your personal life, you shouldn't be inserting yourself into theirs. If your mom has any issues with his behavior, let her deal with them and support her (or not) as you may choose to do. But otherwise, I don't think you should say anything.

[OliviaPug]

I'm going to give you an entirely different perspective: your dad is an adult and he has the right to live his life however he chooses, especially since he doesn't have that much of it left. Just as I'm sure you wouldn't want your parents meddling in your personal life, you shouldn't be inserting yourself into theirs. If your mom has any issues with his behavior, let her deal with them and support her (or not) as you may choose to do. But otherwise, I don't think you should say anything.

I tend to agree with this advice. I would just take it one step further and make sure your mother knows there may be repercussions to her because her husband is using her email account. It doesn't sound like either of your parents are very technical-savvy. I look at it from the standpoint of: "Is he hurting anyone?" Well, he could hurt your mom by "involving" her email account in his sleazy activities. And then, there's always the really horrible example of the "Tall Hot Blonde" story and harm that can come via the internet:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/arti...ous-rival.html

O-

[SceneIt]

It's too bad you cancelled the MissVixen account. Your dad might just be lonely (I know, your Mom is there, but he might still be lonely) and maybe just wanted an adult sexy penpal.

If you wanted to see if he would act on his words, you could have made plans to meet him somewhere for coffee or a drink and then see if the old toad actually showed up. I'm guessing he would not have and would have made some excuse.

But if he did ... then I'd have the talk about the dangers of the internet.

And on the other hand, if your mom doesn't seem to mind, then you should just butt out.

[Michalle]

I would NOT at all costs tell your dad about the MissVixen thing. It was a mistake, you know it, and telling him will only make things horrifically awkward for both of you, especially him. What I would focus on is figuring out whether there is real potential for negative consequences of his use of his email account, and if so, how to bring that issue up with him in a way that will actually have the potential to bring about positive change in his behavior.

[Fergus]

80yo and still horny? Mazel tov, Pops.

[Vagabond]

Speak of the devil and he doth appear.

[Anita18]

ITA. Particularly since your mother doesn't seem disturbed by the though of your father having a extra curricular activities. The main goal, then, is to keep your father safe both in 2D and 3D land.

If that message doesn't seem to be getting through, you can perhaps choose to disclose that you (and your mother) know about his online adventures, without going into the Miss Vixen thing. That way you can be more explicit and less coy about giving him advise about staying safe.

I too will refrain from commenting on the wisdom of setting up the Miss Vixen honey-trap in the first place ... or of your lifetime of being a marriage counsellor for your own parents ...

I agree. No need to go into the MissVixen thing. It was definitely stupid of him to use their mutual email address in signing up. Unfortunately such naivete doesn't bode well for him actually meeting online dates in real life...you have to be able to protect yourself in case of a scammer, or worse. You could explain all of that without having to go into the honey trap, because that would just be....really awkward. And accomplish nothing.

And what's stopping your mom from divorcing him? She's got the Match.com emails right in her inbox, she can use that in court, can't she? And well, there's always the catch-all "irreconcilable differences."

[heckles]

Should I randomly tell my Dad about the horrors of internet dating sites, the stalkers, the scammers? He plays this senile old goof who has no idea how to use a computer or to 'do the google' yet he's smart enough to set up a Match account and email me five times a day. I might just in a general way tell him that internet dating sites are never secure and you can and will be scammed.

So far you know that Pops is online cheating on his wife, lying about his age and marital status, and bothering at least one uninterested woman five times a day. Your father doesn't need to be warned about online scammers-- he is one. The women on Match.com should be warned about your father, not the other way around.

[Anita18]

So far you know that Pops is online cheating on his wife, lying about his age and marital status, and emailing at least one uninterested woman five times a day. Your father doesn't need to be warned about online scammers-- he is one. The women on Match.com should be warned about your father, not the other way around.

I think only financial status determines which one is the scammer and which one is the mark.

Pops is just a creep.

[Southpaw]

I say the dude knew EXACTLY what he was doing when he used his wife's email address to set up his profile. He's been married to a woman who has found him repulsive for 40 years, why the hell WOULDN'T he use it?? That's his way of sticking it to her.