Freaked Out! Dating a man with kids!

[OliviaPug]

Update: He never even brought the subject up about this week and the kids coming. I was hoping he would, so that would have been the conversation-starter. But things are never that easy! I eased into the subject by asking what he had planned with the kids for their week together. He mentioned a few things, but said he hadn't planned too much. I then bit the bullet and told him how I felt about the situation, how I felt comfortable with things "as is." I told him I thought his kids were great and that I really like him and very much enjoy his company, but that I wasn't ready to take the next step. I reminded him that it had been a long time since I was able to take care of myself, and that I was still recovering and healing in many ways from my former relationship, my health crisis, and my divorce. I told him that I wasn't counting out the possibility in the future, but that right now this is the way I felt. I told him he should feel comfortable talking with me about his feelings on the subject -- even if he thought he might hurt me in the process.

He was remarkably generous in his response, but he is a great guy and I expected as much. I fear, however, that I hurt him and he just won't tell me or let it show. I even verbalized that I was afraid to have the conversation because I like him and didn't want to hurt him in any way. He smiled and held my hand and thanked me for sharing my feelings with him. He didn't say much more than that.

I guess we'll see what happens next, if anything. I hope he thinks over what I said and that we can continue to talk about this -- especially if he needs to share his feelings. I'm afraid, though, that he'll shut down and that will be that.

I suppose we shall see.

O-

[Anita18]

Update: He never even brought the subject up about this week and the kids coming. I was hoping he would, so that would have been the conversation-starter. But things are never that easy! I eased into the subject by asking what he had planned with the kids for their week together. He mentioned a few things, but said he hadn't planned too much. I then bit the bullet and told him how I felt about the situation, how I felt comfortable with things "as is." I told him I thought his kids were great and that I really like him and very much enjoy his company, but that I wasn't ready to take the next step. I reminded him that it had been a long time since I was able to take care of myself, and that I was still recovering and healing in many ways from my former relationship, my health crisis, and my divorce. I told him that I wasn't counting out the possibility in the future, but that right now this is the way I felt. I told him he should feel comfortable talking with me about his feelings on the subject -- even if he thought he might hurt me in the process.

He was remarkably generous in his response, but he is a great guy and I expected as much. I fear, however, that I hurt him and he just won't tell me or let it show. I even verbalized that I was afraid to have the conversation because I like him and didn't want to hurt him in any way. He smiled and held my hand and thanked me for sharing my feelings with him. He didn't say much more than that.

I guess we'll see what happens next, if anything. I hope he thinks over what I said and that we can continue to talk about this -- especially if he needs to share his feelings. I'm afraid, though, that he'll shut down and that will be that.

I suppose we shall see.

O-

You can't start assuming things like that. Otherwise you'll put thoughts in his head that he never had in the first place.

Take him at his word. It won't be your fault if he fails at his end of the communication. You've done your best.

[Aussie Willy]

You did the right thing and had the conversation that had to be had. But I agree with Anita18 that you probably shouldn't make assumptions. Sounds like it went okay. I wouldn't overanalyse is too much.

[Anita18]

Yeah if you start verbally worrying over every little thing he says, he'll simply not tell you anything. This is why I don't tell my dad anything. Gotta keep things in perspective. Just because he doesn't have anything to say to you right now may mean he simply doesn't have an opinion at this moment, or needs to think about it more before verbalizing. Some people think out loud, while others think first before saying anything.

[skateboy]

Add me to list of those who commend you for doing the right thing.

You've been honest with him, try not to worry. Your feelings were never going to remain bottled up forever, so whatever happens, happens. Hoping for the outcome that YOU want, Olivia!

[OliviaPug]

Thanks for all your responses Trying to be a responsible, mature adult is hard work! I don't expect to see him this week since he'll have the kids, but I usually hear from him. I'll put this aside as I have a busy week ahead. At this point, we have plans next Monday night.

O-

[Japanfan]

It sounds to me like the conversation went remarkably well, Olivia Pug.

[skatesindreams]

Don't assume anything.
He needs time to consider what you said.

You were open and honest.
He knows you care.

Hoping for the outcome that YOU want, Olivia!

As do I!

[PRlady]

I also think you did the best you could and it sounds like you were straightforward and mature. And he does need time to digest, so hang in there.

[OliviaPug]

Thanks, everyone I'll let you know how the week goes.

O-

[nubka]

It's now Monday evening, so be sure to give us an update...

[OliviaPug]

Hi, all

The weekend went well. Thanks for asking, nubka. I didn't bring up the subject of the kids except to mention that I was glad we talked about it, and mentioned again that he should feel free to talk about it with me, if he wants. He did open up a bit. He's generally very good with how things are between us, which is a relief. I think the issue is that the kids are putting pressure on him to spend time with me. He says that they are curious about me, my work, my home, my likes/dislikes (totally understandable), my dogs, etc. He talks with them about me, so I'm guessing they may feel a little left out. Remember, though, that the time I spend with him isn't to the exclusion of the kids; they're with their mom during those times. But, it is a new adventure for their dad. He continues to express how happy they are that he's happy. He loves his kids and obviously, if they're expressing an interest in spending time with me, I'm sure he'd like to pursue it. I don't think he wants to tell them that I'm hesitant to move forward, so he probably just makes a lot of excuses. Excuses would be easy considering our distance and our busy work schedules. Then again, how long can he put them off before they begin to wonder?

O-

[OliviaPug]

Maybe he should just tell them that we're taking our relationship slowly? I really dislike the idea of making excuses or downright lying to children of that age. Also, I am very adamant that our time doesn't infringe on his one-on-one time with his kids. Sigh. It's tough to know how best to handle. But I'm not the parent here and I don't want to tell him how to handle it. He's the dad. They're his kids.

O-

[skatesindreams]

Could you ask him to let the kids know that for the moment, you are taking things slowly?

[OliviaPug]

Could you ask him to let the kids know that for the moment, you are taking things slowly?

Yes, I could. I only just thought about that approach while writing my above posts. That will be another difficult conversation (for me, anyway), but I'll do it. I'll see him this weekend. Can't think of a conversation-starter for that one!

O-

[kwanfan1818]

He might try to explain to them, but I wouldn't be surprised if they looked at him like he was from Mars. In general, the three relationship memes are 1. Joined at the hip 2. Having a good time/fling, and 3. Star-crossed lovers, especially in romantic comedies.

That two people are serious, cautious, and have self-control (not circumstances imposed) just doesn't fit the standard memes, especially for pre-teen and young teenage girls.

[Southpaw]

I wonder how much of his daughters' questions about you and what your life is like are coming from their mother? I would imagine she would be interested in knowing what kind of girlfriend is spending time with her daughters and what her potential role in their lives said girlfriend might eventually have.

[OliviaPug]

kwanfan1818: Interesting. I think they see us as "joined at the hip" because the younger made a comment to him (her dad) that one of his company's offices is near mine and he could work there, which, of course, he would never consider.

Southpaw: Very possible. I have no idea. I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of, but my life is not up for scrutiny. I haven't spent much time with the kids at all. I suppose if she's curious enough, she can ask her ex. That's all between/among them. I have to make decisions based on what feels right to me. Not spending time with the kids isn't about being secretive; it's just what I feel comfortable with right now.

O-

[skatesindreams]

It doesn't matter if their mother is really the curious one.
That's the message you want to send - in any case.