Freaked Out! Dating a man with kids!

[Southpaw]

I think it would be ballsy for her to offer it as well. It's something they should discuss before EITHER makes the suggestion. He seems to have skipped an entire step.

Yes I agree. The reason why I'm saying it's ballsy on his part is because he wants Olivia to open her home to the sleepover.

Olivia, just because this guy isn't verbally communicating things to you doesn't mean that he doesn't have plans and ideas rolling around in his head. This sounds to me like one of those plans and ideas finally falling out of his mouth so now its up to you to state your case about why you don't think its such a good idea. He needs to see things from your point of view because he has his "I have kids and want you to accept them as part of my life" point of view and you have your "I don't have kids and don't really want them in my life" point of view and, well, those two points of view aren't exactly natural allies.

[skatesindreams]

How he reacts to your Saturday conversation will tell you a great deal about him - and the future course of your relationship.
These are things that you need to know/discuss before you become more "invested" than you already are.

[OliviaPug]

Southpaw: I think you're right -- that he has and has had ideas rolling around his head -- and that they're coming out now. I think the impetus has been the kids knowing of my existence coupled with their liking me. I think I'll start off the conversation by telling him how strongly I feel about not intruding on the kids' alone time with him. I really do feel very strongly about that. Then I'll segue into the importance to me of keeping a "kid" boundary -- at least for now. I'm usually pretty good when put on the spot, but I feel so nervous about all of this.

O-

[OliviaPug]

How he reacts to your Saturday conversation will tell you a great deal about him - and the future course of your relationship. These are things that you need to know/discuss before you become more "invested" than you already are.

You are completely and totally right on, which is probably another reason why I'm so nervous about this conversation.

O-

[genevieve]

re: his assuming that he & the kids are invited to your house - Have you ever slept over at his house while the kids are there? if so, it may just be an assumption of reciprocity. Even if you are emotionally distant from the kids and don't see staying at his house as anything to do with them, it would be very reasonable for all three of them to see it a little differently.

BUT - if you've never stayed at his house while the kids were there, yeah, that's ballsy and a little weird.

[leesaleesa]

It sounds like he's serious. You really need to make it clear that you are not ready for a serious relationship yet. Better to get it out now than later. Who knows? Maybe you can have a Woody Allen/Mia Farrow type of relationship. Minus the part where Woody Allen is a creepy icky weirdo, of course.

[nubka]

OliviaPug, I hope this goes well for you. Have you prepared for the possibility that if this conversation backfires you could loose him in your life?

I'm not judging either way, honestly, I'm not. I'm a Libra, so I tend to way-over-analyze everything...

You know yourself better than anyone, so it's good that you are honest about what you do and don't want. Good luck this weekend.

[skatesindreams]

leesalessa, I believe that Olivia already has some serious feelings/a relationship with this person.
However, she needs clarification about what his idea of a continuing relationship is; and to share her feelings about the same - before she determines if it should continue further.

[heckles]

So. Yeah. You're a good catch.

I second this. A woman on a dating site who is over 25 and doesn't have kids is considered a great find to a lot of men. You might be underestimating yourself here.

[OliviaPug]

genevieve: I have stayed at his house many times, but never with his children there. Up until recently, they didn’t know about me and the guy and we only saw each other when his ex had the kids. The thought of me being in one room with their dad while they're in another ... um, no. I'm surprised he doesn't feel that way because he is protective of his kids and generally very conservative. It definitely surprises me and makes me wonder a little.

leesaleesa: LOL! I don’t know what kind of relationship I ultimately want. All I know is that I’m comfortable with how things are right now and it looks like he’s moving toward trying to change that dynamic.

nubka: No, I really haven’t prepared for the possibility that I could lose him if the conversation backfires. That didn’t occur to me, but possibly hurting him did. I feel it’s an important enough conversation to have regardless of the consequences. I would be very sad if things went badly, but I guess then I would have my answer.

skateindreams: That’s pretty much on the money. Thanks.

heckles: I tend to underestimate myself. That’s what I do. I’d rather be pleasantly surprised then unexpectedly disappointed. The thing is, I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I wasn’t looking for this guy. It just happened. And now I’m in it and I like him. Maybe even a little more than like.

Thanks for everyone’s well wishes. We talked on the phone last night, but I didn’t go there. I think that it’s subject matter for a face-to-face conversation. I noticed I had a stomach ache yesterday and a little today. It was either the anxiety of this situation or the stuffed eggplant I ate.

[PRlady]

Thanks for everyone’s well wishes. We talked on the phone last night, but I didn’t go there. I think that it’s subject matter for a face-to-face conversation. I noticed I had a stomach ache yesterday and a little today. It was either the anxiety of this situation or the stuffed eggplant I ate.

Posting on a skating listserve is not an absolutely reliable indicator of mental health but you seem pretty sane and well-balanced about yourself and the situation. Good luck tomorrow.

[OliviaPug]

Question: Why does it always seem like it's the woman who feels the need to discuss "where the relationship is going"? I know I'm generalizing here, but ...

I'm thinking guys for the most part just take action and assume you'll "see" where the relationship is going. Am I right? Do I hopelessly misunderstand men?

O-

[OliviaPug]

Posting on a skating listserve is not an absolutely reliable indicator of mental health but you seem pretty sane and well-balanced about yourself and the situation. Good luck tomorrow.

I've been on FSU for 10 years! Sane? Maybe not. And, truthfully, there are some pretty smart and insightful folks on this board. Thanks for the good luck wishes

O-

[PRlady]

Question: Why does it always seem like it's the woman who feels the need to discuss "where the relationship is going"? I know I'm generalizing here, but ...

I'm thinking guys for the most part just take action and assume you'll "see" where the relationship is going. Am I right? Do I hopelessly misunderstand men?

O-

Hell no you don't misunderstand men. Women only have to say each other that it's time to schedule the relationship talk for other women to understand. Show me a man who initiates that conversation and I'll show you a guy whose heterosexuality is in doubt.

ETA: As to why, well, it means actually dissecting emotion and listening and "not fixing" and many other things men are traditionally (not always) bad at. Also men are terrified that their women think they might be more committed than they are. The one serious relationship I had with a man who loved discussing the relationship...he ended up exemplifying that adage to beware of men who cry. They are extremely sensitive to feelings -- their own.

[OliviaPug]

PRlady:

OK. At least I've learned something after all these years ...

O-

[skatesindreams]

Any independent, responsible adult woman needs to ask these questions.
Consequences - which don't always seem to exist for men - ensue, if she doesn't.

[Anita18]

Hell no you don't misunderstand men. Women only have to say each other that it's time to schedule the relationship talk for other women to understand. Show me a man who initiates that conversation and I'll show you a guy whose heterosexuality is in doubt.

My fiance first brought up the possibility of marriage. "If you want to talk about it...I'm open" were his words. Then again, he'd had a bit of wine.

The convo OliviaPug has to have with him also doesn't really necessitate an all-encompassing "relationship talk." This is just one issue, and it's best to tackle one issue at a time. Now, if the underlying issue is that she's afraid they're moving too fast, then the conversation can start to lean that way. But the approach should be about boundaries and the kids.

We personally don't really do "relationship talks." As you said OlivaPug, men want to "fix" things. If you complain, they want to fix. There has to be something in there that they can do to help. I'm a bit like that too, but at least I'll listen without freaking out I can't fix.

I personally don't believe in "relationship talks." We have an idea of what we'd like our life to be together, but as they say, nature has a penchant for ruining well-laid plans.

[OliviaPug]

All true, Anita18. I didn't want to have this talk, but circumstances are necessitating it. If he really believes it would be OK to have the kids stay with us at my place ... and have us sleeping in the other room ... a boundary discussion has to take place. Pronto. And, there is a very easy "fix," so he should be happy!

O-

[JasperBoy]

Throwing in another perspective here...that of the kids.
I base this on the reaction of my young grandsons to their parents' new relationships.

Kids can get attached and invested in the relationship, too. If it the relationship does not progress, or breaks up, the kids can feel they have lost an important person in their life. They are hurt.

Only proceed if you are really interested in the man and hope to remain in a relationship. More than one heart may be broken if it fails.

[PRlady]

There are probably 1000 different scenarios.

My ex-husband (#2) was a childless stepparent, much older than me. He thought he was wonderful to my daughter and true, he really cared about her. But he was and is a finicky, self-absorbed man with 19th century standards, with a very short fuse, and that's a bad combination with a teenager...

When we finally split up four years ago and I watched my then college-age daughter relax into our little rental apartment, I realized she had told me the truth -- she DID think we should get divorced and waiting til she was done high school and gone was probably a mistake. She was so much happier not living with him.

Postscript: they want to the Nats game last night and had a great time. Daughter continues to see him even though she doesn't have to, just like my own stepchildren see me. She just doesn't want to live with him and thought it was a bad marriage.