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  1. #61

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    I'm seeing him on Saturday, so I'll do my best to talk with him then. I'm nervous, but I know I need to have the conversation. I really appreciate everyone's input in this thread. Thank you!

    O-

  2. #62

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    Good luck with Saturday.

    I have a slightly different POV to add..........and that is the kids. If you are going out with, and enjoying a budding relationship, with someone special, and you were both single with no kids.............I would say....great. Go with it. Discover the possibilities. Enjoy. See what works for you. Although, you want to do that, it has to be done while keeping the kids needs as a primary commitment (which they are).

    What the kids don't need is to develop a relationship (love/like/hate) with daddy's girlfriend. If the two of you don't have a clear commitment for where you are going, please leave the kids out of it until you have a clearer picture. The kids need stability, security and time with their parents (which was effectively cut in half when their parents divorced). These kids are too old to "fool"....oh we are just friends.........like slumber party friends.

    And, that is my two cents
    DH - and that's just my opinion

  3. #63
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    Quote Originally Posted by AxelAnnie View Post
    Good luck with Saturday.

    I have a slightly different POV to add..........and that is the kids. If you are going out with, and enjoying a budding relationship, with someone special, and you were both single with no kids.............I would say....great. Go with it. Discover the possibilities. Enjoy. See what works for you. Although, you want to do that, it has to be done while keeping the kids needs as a primary commitment (which they are).

    What the kids don't need is to develop a relationship (love/like/hate) with daddy's girlfriend. If the two of you don't have a clear commitment for where you are going, please leave the kids out of it until you have a clearer picture. The kids need stability, security and time with their parents (which was effectively cut in half when their parents divorced). These kids are too old to "fool"....oh we are just friends.........like slumber party friends.

    And, that is my two cents
    I think it actually helps that the daughters are older and have an involved mother, in this respect. They won't get attached too quickly - they're able to understand that Dad is dating a nice lady, but no need to call her Mom or anything.

    I wonder how awkward it was for my fiance to be taking vacations with his mom and whoever-Mom-was-dating-at-the-time. He was definitely pretty young then, and kids do get easily attached when they're younger. He says it wasn't a big deal, but then again he didn't need to fill the father figure void in his life because his father didn't abandon them or anything.

  4. #64

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    Yes, AxelAnnie. I totally agree. That's been my opinion from Day One. It just seems that he wants me to get to know his kids. And from what I'm hearing, they want to get to know me too. That makes things difficult because the only person in this situation who can put on the brakes (or who seems to want to put on the brakes) is me. That's what Saturday's conversation will be about. The girls are old enough to understand the nature of our relationship. They know I stay at their dad's house sometimes (since we don't live in the same city), and they make suggestions for what we should do when I'm in town visiting him (e.g., hiking, riding bikes, going to the beach). They make suggestions about things he can get for me and restaurants where he should take me. They seem to want to support the relationship. Why? I have no idea. I've never had kids, so this is all new to me.

    O-

  5. #65
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    Quote Originally Posted by OliviaPug View Post
    They seem to want to support the relationship. Why? I have no idea. I've never had kids, so this is all new to me.
    Here's my guess...Because they like their dad and they like you (since you fit their fantasy dad girlfriend perfectly by being without kid) and they're a couple of starry-eyed romantic teenagers who want to see things work out in storybook fashion. It's like they're playing Barbie and Ken all over again but this time with real people. Of course their father wants to please them by involving them in his relationship to the extent that he is, but are you really comfortable with that? Even if you don't see them they're still asking him questions about you and getting involved on their own level. I bet those girls have all sorts of fantasies galore about your relationship even if they're not voicing them to their father.

    Brake pedal. Over there.
    The fastest thing out of New Jersey since Tricky Nicky in a Muscovian handbasket

  6. #66
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    Quote Originally Posted by OliviaPug View Post
    He suggested they all come to where I live next week for an overnight. He thought it would be fun for all of us to go out and then stay over at my place.
    While this in itself doesn't scream "red flag", that's pretty nervy on his part. You should be the one to invite his children over to your place to spend the night if you're comfortable with that, not him. Doesn't say much for his respect of your boundaries.

  7. #67

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    heckles: In fairness to him, I haven't been clear about my boundaries. Hence the need for Saturday's discussion.

    I am actually a really direct person. That's his experience with me and that's accurate, for the most part. Perhaps he figures if I was opposed, I would be direct as I always am. He made the suggestion to which I didn't respond one way or the other. Now that I've had time to think about it and all of the input from you folks, I see the importance of having this boundary discussion ASAP.

    Southpaw: I see the brake pedal and I'm keeping my eye on the emergency brake too -- just in case

    O-

  8. #68

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    It just occurred to me that a major reason why I've been avoiding this is that I don't want to hurt his feelings by pulling back. Relationships are never easy. Sigh.

    O-

  9. #69
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    Quote Originally Posted by OliviaPug View Post
    Perhaps he figures if I was opposed, I would be direct as I always am.
    True, but it's odd that he made the suggestion, rather than you.

    Good luck with the boundary discussion.

  10. #70

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    Quote Originally Posted by heckles View Post
    True, but it's odd that he made the suggestion, rather than you. Good luck with the boundary discussion.
    Yeah, I know. What's up with that? I guess that's part of what I'm trying to figure out -- why he wants the interaction with his kids when things seem perfectly fine "as is". Thanks for the good luck wishes. I am thinking I will need them!

    O-

  11. #71
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    Olivia is a great catch for this dude, I'm not surprised that he's pushing the kids in her direction. As I said before she's a woman without kids and who (I think) made it known to him that she's not interested in birthing any and she's got a good head on her shoulders, that's a rare find in the marketplace at this age. He's got it pretty good with Olivia. Now if he can just get her on board with accepting the kiddies into her life....
    The fastest thing out of New Jersey since Tricky Nicky in a Muscovian handbasket

  12. #72

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    Southpaw: I'm so out of it (the dating scene, etc.), I wouldn't even know if I'm a good catch or what other types of women are out there. I seriously have no idea. I don't know what kind of men are out there either, for that matter. Good to know that some folks think I'm a good catch! So far, he's been anything but pushy. He's sort of approached this relationship in the same way I have -- kind of casually. This is the first sign of his level of commitment. But it's not something he's verbalized to me. I guess actions speak louder than words.

    O-

  13. #73
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    Quote Originally Posted by OliviaPug View Post
    Southpaw: I'm so out of it (the dating scene, etc.), I wouldn't even know if I'm a good catch or what other types of women are out there.
    Why not check out the women's ads on dating sites just to see what you're up against out there in the post-marriage world?

    You know how women are often complaining about how there aren't any good men out there and they're all nuts and blah blah blah? As it turns out there are plenty of batshit women out there, too. The men don't have the market cornered. And some of them come with batshit ex-husbands and batshit kids and all sorts of complications. Bottom line - there's lots of batshit out there in both camps.

    So. Yeah. You're a good catch.
    The fastest thing out of New Jersey since Tricky Nicky in a Muscovian handbasket

  14. #74
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    Quote Originally Posted by OliviaPug View Post
    It just occurred to me that a major reason why I've been avoiding this is that I don't want to hurt his feelings by pulling back. Relationships are never easy. Sigh.

    O-
    If he's a mature guy, he won't mind. It's a boundary thing, for sure. You can't be afraid of hurting your partner's feelings by being honest with your own. I mean, you don't have to be a jerk in wording it, but you definitely should be honest. Lack of honest communication is where a lot of couples are done in.

    Now if he freaks out or gets defensive, not only time for the brake pedals, but out of the car.

  15. #75
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    Quote Originally Posted by OliviaPug View Post
    Why? I have no idea. I've never had kids, so this is all new to me.
    My guess is that it's pretty simple. They want their dad to be happy and think you help with that.

  16. #76

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    Southpaw: OK. Now I'm curious! I'll have to spend some time checking out all the batshit men and women!

    Anita18: You're so right ("You can't be afraid of hurting your partner's feelings by being honest with your own.") That has been my mistake in the past -- disregarding my feelings in favor of my partner's. I will have the conversation ... and keep the car door open while the discussion is underway ...

    wickedwitch: That seems like a benevolent enough reason. I hope they do want their dad happy because he's a phenomenal father who loves them so much.

    O-

  17. #77
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    Well sure the kidlets want their father to be happy, but a big component in making their father happy is by accepting THEM wholly and completely. But that's where your angsting is coming into play which is why you started this thread in the first place. You're not ready for that yet. You're not ready for sleepovers and I'm with heckles on this, that was pretty ballsy on his part to suggest that. That is something that is for you to offer and not for him to expect.
    The fastest thing out of New Jersey since Tricky Nicky in a Muscovian handbasket

  18. #78

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    I'm a little bothered about the whole "ballsy" aspect of this recent development. It seems so unlike him. Maybe a side of him I haven't yet seen ...

    O-

  19. #79

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    Quote Originally Posted by Southpaw View Post
    Well sure the kidlets want their father to be happy, but a big component in making their father happy is by accepting THEM wholly and completely. But that's where your angsting is coming into play which is why you started this thread in the first place. You're not ready for that yet. You're not ready for sleepovers and I'm with heckles on this, that was pretty ballsy on his part to suggest that. That is something that is for you to offer and not for him to expect.
    I think it would be ballsy for her to offer it as well. It's something they should discuss before EITHER makes the suggestion. He seems to have skipped an entire step.
    Team Peeps!

  20. #80
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    Quote Originally Posted by OliviaPug View Post
    Anita18: You're so right ("You can't be afraid of hurting your partner's feelings by being honest with your own.") That has been my mistake in the past -- disregarding my feelings in favor of my partner's. I will have the conversation ... and keep the car door open while the discussion is underway ...
    Yeah, and at the same time, it's definitely helpful to know when the issue is with you. I mean, if you're bothered by something that you know is partly just you, let your partner know to get it off your chest, but don't make it their job to fix it completely. Say that it's something you're working on, but that you would really appreciate it if they could try and help too.

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